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In several cases, the adult children of my parent's friends did not let them know when the person was very ill or dying. In some cases they never even let my parents know when they died. For that matter when a close friend died, her husband never let me know and I had to hear it second hand from someone who by chance saw it in the out of town paper where it was published.
I hope that people will go through my address book and notify friends, but maybe it needs to be made even clearer with a list of people to be notified if I die or get very sick.
In several cases, the adult children of my parent's friends did not let them know when the person was very ill or dying. In some cases they never even let my parents know when they died. For that matter when a close friend died, her husband never let me know and I had to hear it second hand from someone who by chance saw it in the out of town paper where it was published.
I hope that people will go through my address book and notify friends, but maybe it needs to be made even clearer with a list of people to be notified if I die or get very sick.
Was this because of simple neglect, or because they have a hangup talking about/acknowledging death?
Elderly people often push their friends away. They are depressed. They don't want to see their elderly friends on their last leg, in some deplorable condition. They see this condition in themselves and it horrifies them. So many times my sisters and I would offer to drive our mother to see a friend for an afternoon ("we'll drop you off and come get you, we'll get a coffeecake to bring," etc) but toward the end, all her remaining (alive) friends were either in nursing homes or in some condition like with oxygen, etc. It infuriated us that she didn't want to be there for them, we thought that friendship is supposed ot include hard times too. We could not understand why she would even refuse to see elderly family members. Let's be honest, end of life is nothing to look forward to. The last generation were fighters to the end and hated to see their faculties diminished in themselves and their friends.
Oh my; this is so true. I can't understand why my father does not keep in touch with his friends back home. They have quit calling because he never, ever calls them!
We go home often enough that it would be nice for him to re-connect; have lunch, etc.
I strongly feel that he does not have enough (or any, right now) appropriate social contacts and this furthers his depression.
I'm hoping his doctor will put him on an anti-depressant. He mind is still clear (well, mostly); he can get around and walk some; he loves to eat out ~ the man needs a friend instead of laying around in bed with his jammies on all day getting more depressed. Fingers crossed that his life gets better and for those living with him too!
I suppose a family intervention could be staged for the stubborn FIL of the OP and he could potentially be encouraged to accept some help but if the old guy still has his faculties, anything attempted "for his own good" without his consent or against his will would IMO be intrusive, possibly only helpful to a very small extent, and finally, more helpful to the family to assuage guilt and worry rather than to the elderly person being helped. (quote)
My husband is the ONLY child. Then, there's me (wife) and our 2 children. Knowing that others are dealing with the same is sad. My FIL is a hoarder also.
We want him to have his independence but not be a danger to society. There's a fine line and we have now seen validated changes in the past year. That's a concern to us.
How is he a danger to society (the only way I can think of in terms of most people is being an incompetent driver)? Robyn
My husband is the only one. I don't know if guilty is the right word - I think it's more like caring about someone and in this case, it's my FIL. I found my mom on the floor one time after she fell and I just have visions of that with my FIL. I don't wish that on anyone.
The driving thing has just become an issue. He only drives around his immediate neighborhood. We just found out his license has been expired for over 6 months and that he failed the eye test. He says his eyes are fine.
He does have an eye visit scheduled. We plan to make that call. He has a slight dent in the front of the car but can't remember what it's from. This is a great concern for me.
I want his last years to be happy ones. My husband does as well but feels very alone. I mean, he has me but I didn't live his childhood.
Whoops. In that case - take away the car keys. And - since you don't have POA - report him to the appropriate authorities to get the car impounded. Robyn
I am sorry for those of you who are experiencing this with your relatives. Hope all works out.
I have not had to see any of this myself at least not yet. My grandparents were more or less healthy until a short time before they passed. They were not taking a lot of medications so that may be a factor for some of the behaviors that posters have mentioned. I have noticed many of the behaviors on your list occuring in some people beginning around 40 plus years old like forgetting, misplacing items, afternoon napping at work, messy homes, hoarding, etc etc.
Does anyone really look forward to advanced age after reading this thread???
I don't know. My 92 year old father has a 79 year old girlfriend . Robyn
Wyoming, I asked my question in all sincerity, sorry if it was misinterpreted and it had nothing to do with money. Believe me, my Dad died penniless in a nursing home after living there 8 years on a feeding tube...it was tragic. I really don't know how a family member could have someone like the OP FIL removed from his home and taken to an assisted living/nursing home or whatever, even it is for the best. What happens if the family or paramedics try and he just flips out and becomes violent. Everybody I know who has had to leave their homes did so not really willingly but quietly. But in the OP situation, I just don't see him leaving under any circumstances unless he has a serious fall or other medical emergency. I feel very sorry they are in this situation.
As far as seeing friends, I agree, when my dad died, his best friend who was in bad shape himself came to his funeral and told me he just couldn't bear to see my father the way he was, so he just stopped coming (even though my dad would have loved to see him, he was so lonely there). This brings up such sad memories.
I've read all these messages. The FIL sounds like a stubborn old coot who's no Martha Stewart (when we cleaned out my in-law's refrigerator after my MIL died - after a lengthy illness - my FIL had been taking care of the house while my MIL was sick - we thought we had the makings for a whole new generation of antibiotics - couldn't even recognize what 1/2 the stuff in the back of the refrigerator was).
I'm not sure why anyone thinks he or she has to control every little thing in a parent's life unless the parent presents a danger to society. As in the case of driving. Or a big risk to themselves. Like if they have medium to advanced Alzheimer's and will go on a walk one day and wind up wandering in the middle of the interstate. Or they're in a real mess medically. Like they just had a stroke.
What I've heard here makes me think the driving issue is important - but there doesn't seem to be much evidence of Alzheimer's. Old age yes - Alzheimer's no. Like my brother the doctor says of our 92 year old father - the engine is fine but the chassis is falling apart. FWIW - my father doesn't only nap. He sometimes falls asleep while we're having lunch together at a restaurant. And he lives in an independent senior living facility that provides 2 meals a day - maid service - etc. - etc. Since he does have a girlfriend - he bathes . He keeps his place pretty warm (most elderly have circulation problems). Only exception to that I can recall is my FIL keeping the heat down in the winter to save money. Like I said - he was cheap. My MIL spent a lot of the winter inside under blankets during the last years of her life.
In terms of how my father got to the senior facility here - he got a girlfriend almost immediately after my mother died in 2005. Sold his house and moved in with her. Got engaged fast and was planning to get married. But when he asked her to sign a pre-nup - she actually kicked him out - in the middle of the night. My brother had to pick him up on the street! And after looking at senior facilities in south Florida - he decided he liked the one I like here in north Florida better. He was miserable for a year until he met his current girlfriend (not uncommon for long time married guys to be miserable when their wives die).
Sometimes - you just gotta let people be. About the only observation I have of senior seniors (people over 80) is - in general - as people get really old - whatever qualities you didn't like in them when they were 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 just get worse. E.g., my late FIL was thrifty when he was 40 - cheap when he was 60 - and a total skinflint when he was 80 (even though the older he got - the more money he had).
If this were my FIL - the only thing I'd do now is deal with the driving issue - until the sh** hits the fan. Because whatever money FIL has to take care of himself in his old age will disappear in an instant if he winds up in an auto accident and hurts someone. Robyn
Take care of the driving problem and arrange for his grocies and someone to check on him every day or so. Ultimately he will do something, like fall and break his hip and then your decision will be easy.
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. Robyn
