Christmas dinner/lunch - elderly parents

[Bette]

All the restaurants we even thought of were closed so that was out of the question. As far as going to a hotel, all totally booked weeks ahead. Even where our son works, totally booked.

We're in South Florida. We love our tourists!!

Anyway, had never done this before but we went and got Honey Baked Ham stuff. The ham and roasted turkey were good. The sides - not so great but fortunately, we had picked up this awesome cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory called Dream Extreme Oreo Cheesecake and that was a hit (plus ice cream). My FIL and his sister both have a sweet tooth and definitely want dessert (usually we have pie).

My husband still had the long drive but it was an easier fix and that made it easier to spend more quality time with them when they were at our home.

It's been a quick Christmas for us.

[imcurious]

You sound very kind-hearted and your father-in-law sounds very selfish.

I feel sorry for your husband. No matter how good-natured and non-confrontational he is, he must be suffering. No one should have to drive eight hours in one day to appease another person. I am surprised he does not resent his father. I just think that is too much. What about your husband's heatlh and well-being? Who is concerned about that (sounds like no one, including him). He could have health repercussions from this - it's something to consider, at least.

[Bette]

I am very concerned. Fortunately, my husband likes to drive but yes, he wants a day off also.

When he took them back last night, he was walking up the driveway with them - it was dark - he had a flashlight to lead the way. My FIL refuses to turn the outside lights on early b/c it costs money. As a result of the darkness, both my FIL and his sister fell. He tripped over a sprinkler head and when he fell, she was right behind him and he was his way down and she fell as well.

They ended up in the emergency room. He has a broken finger and she bruised her elbow.

When she leaves, we really need to work on him to get him into an independent living place or something like that. He is very stubborn and we have been living with this for 8 years since my MIL died.

It's so sad to see the home that my MIL so loved in such disrepair but he just refuses to fix anything. We are trying - just got the one carpet cleaned today - first time ever - orange ugly shag. I think they brought it from their old house too (before me).

That's our next project LOL. We just want him to be happy, safe and secure. He does not want to move but we fear for his safety once his sister leaves. He will be alone at that point and there is no way my husband can go down there every day. He has told me that already. The home is easy to break into; I am a female and I could do it.

[imcurious]

Four hours of driving on a holiday is insane (in my world).

Did your husband have to take them to the emergency room too?

It is beyond ridiculous - again from my vantage point, sorry (I have issues with entitlement mentality and irrationality).

Your father can be reported to Adult Protective Services for endangering his own well-being and not being competent enough to make good decisions for himself.

Too bad your husband cannot be more assertive and shut the house down and bring him to live with you or in an assisted living facility. Many elders do not want that to happen, but sometimes someone has to step in and do the right thing - especially if their cognitive ability to make decisions is negatively impacting them.

Can you hire an eldercare consultant to help you figure this out?

When you post, you sound helpless, but there really are options.

You and your husband have just given your father-in-law too much power (at least in your own minds).

[Bette]

Years ago, my FIL would not even do anything for my husband, his only son. He - my FIL - is just very stubborn and is a miser and a hoarder. Both qualities have been there for a long time. He's a nice man, though, just depression era mentality.

My husband had a legal issue he had to fight and the cost was enormous. Years ago, he had to his dad and ask. He said OK. So, he was able to help my husband with that and grateful is not even the word. Of course, we never expected it to cost as much as it did. Because of his help, my husband had great counsel and won the case. (He was innocent; just had to prove it). It was tied into the work he does.

So, now that is over, however, the tap has been turned off. Even though my parents are now both gone, they were cool. They didn't get upset over some of the things I'm doing with now. It's hard b/c my husband is the only one. (Our children sometimes help out but they have their own lives).

I'd love the assisted living place or independent living - I'll just have to plan a day when there's a bunch of nice ladies lurking about and maybe......(he loves to dance). I think he'd be so much happier but I also realize this home is his memory.

[JanND]

Originally Posted by Bette

My husband is an only child; my in-laws had very few friends and even if they had, most are gone now.
So, everything falls on him.

They do not understand the work situation today. They think everyone works 9 to 5, off on the weekends and goes home at 5. I don't know but I've never been able to have a 9 to 5 life.

So, they wait eagerly for any communication and I know they are very lonely. Some of which my FIL brought on himself - he was a loner and discouraged friendships. Now, I'm sure he regrets it.

I get that you think they don't understand. Being old doesn't make us stupid...Explain to him that in future...You'll be bringing dinner to them. You and your hubby make a weekend trip, stay near their home...Either take them to dinner, or take things w/ you. If their house is so deplorable that you can't stand to cook or be there...Than it is too deplorable for two elderly folks to live there. Fix that, and make accommodations for holidays easier on them...Go there..Do the things that need to be done...And, if it is only a few hours away, go there a few times a year, help them in person w/ the house and spend some time. Sounds like it would benefit all of you.