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Yes! Forgot about that. And the up-all-night caretaking, etc. I'd throw in all the home-cooked meals, all the years of help with homework, and while on a roll, how much I loved them.
What adult kid would tolerate a 'dressing down' and what would it solve other than making a parent feel good for a nanosecond? 'Letting them have it' only serves to validate what they already might think of you.
Treat your neglectful child with the same respect you would a friend. Be courteous and hear them out. Find out why. You'll probably get a convoluted response but it shows that you care about what they're feeling.
If I fly in the face of a friend then I'm slamming a door, grabbing the last word from my high horse. You think it will be interpreted differently by an adult child?
Oh sure, I agree with all that. I'm talking about the adult kids who have closed the door and refuse to engage anymore, the self-centered brats who think they were raised by a fairy godmother. The ones who are not just "negligent" but disrespectful and may go so far as to keep the grandkids away.
You start with calm and respectful talk for a number of years, and it that doesn't get you anywhere, imo all means are open. As I said, if the relationship is absolutely dead, what would a parent have to lose by just "losing it"? Yelling doesn't really have to be part of it, but just talking in no uncertain terms. "We raised you lovingly, we raised you to be respectful, we helped you at every turn, and you treat us like this? What the h*ll is the matter with you?"
I know of five women my age, two of them my sisters, who won't say boo to their "professional" offspring who are just as cold and selfish as they can be. These aging parents are afraid of their own kids (one daughter is a doctor who treats my loving sister like you know what). After years of pussyfooting around them, nothing has changed, and my shoulder is still in the same place for them to cry on. Excepting now I'm saying stand up to them, tell them a thing or two, you have nothing to lose. But their fear prevails.
How about parents who don't speak to their adult children over silly reasons?
I know one couple who no longer have relationships with their adult children by the parent's choice.
I could understand it if the adult kids were drunks, druggies, in jail, etc., but they are not! Both are successful adults, and one even owns his own successful company.
Their offenses? One left the religion he was raised in and joined his wife's church, and the other has a long term (5 years) boyfriend, but is not married, with no plans for marriage. They are both happy with their choices. Mom and dad were not, so they stopped speaking to both.
Utterly and completely ridiculous, IMO.
I agree. Some parents are better left abandoned; others are just unfortunately and undeservedly maligned.
no, but there is a tendency of people who have had unhappy marriages to project that all marriage is "hell on earth.". Or that people who have nothing to do with family members is the norm.
Hammer never wrote the walton as "ideal." there was a lot of conflict between the grandparents and between the parents. Hammer's mother was not accepted by his parents ... Until they were married for three years when there was a reconciliation.
not sure what you're getting out. My marriage was pretty happy, and unfortunately did not last long enough. As far as families getting together, i know some people who do that on holidays and otherwise, but also know many who are not estranged, but do not have strong bond with their family of origin. Over the years, many such people spent holidays with me and my husband instead of their family, for a host of reasons. What's the norm? I think it depends on how you were socialized and the experience you had in your family growing up.
Regarding waltons, people who write about their childhoods ,if it was generally happy, do so through the lens of nostalgic memory, and that lens is distorted. Memory is selective and we sometimes choose the memories and how we view them. I'm certain that walton's childhood was a generally positive experience, but it was not the television version.
I'd like to thank the people who told their stories of estrangement here. I've read the ENTIRE thread and it felt like a good book!
I feel that someday I could be at risk for estrangement myself, although not yet! By reading this thread, I think I'd be pretty relaxed on getting TOO involved or make harsh judgments regarding my children's choices. When they are adults they will make their mistakes, and I will try to allow them to, and help if they ask, although I imagine this is easier said then done.
By reading this thread, I think I got a good perspective on how a variety of older people think. For me, this thread has been about educating myself. Thanks again.
This may sound weird, and most of you will probably not agree, but sometimes I wonder if parents of adult children should just "let them have it." Yes, this involves anger and an attempt to instill some "guilt," but is guilt always such a bad thing? Maybe some adult kids who neglect or estrange themselves from their parents should be dressed down. What's the worst that could happen? The end of the relationship? There isn't one anyway. Maybe a good yelling (like my mother used to do if one of her daughters went a single week without phoning) session would knock some sense into these self-centered "kids." Never insults of course, but a loud reminder of what it meant (and cost) to the parents to raise them, and for what. Of course the "kid" could just hang up, but maybe their brains would retain something to think about. Just my thoughts near midnight....
It depends whether the kid has some (real OR imagined - doesn't matter) complaint. In that case a 'dressing down' could cause irreparable damage.
It depends whether the kid has some (real OR imagined - doesn't matter) complaint. In that case a 'dressing down' could cause irreparable damage.
Perhaps "dressing down" was a bit strong for all cases. What I mean more is, just talk "real" without any inhibition or fear. If the kid has some real or imagined complaint, a parent could say hey, what's eating you, what did I do wrong, let me have it, we're adults, I may not be able to make it up to you but I sure can listen and own up to my part in our estrangement. When are you free for coffee? If it doesn't work, are the parents any worse off in those cases in which their kids have completely estranged themselves for years? (Note, I'm not talking about parents who were definitely abusive in any way; I'm responding to the pain of those whose kids just cut them off for no apparent reason, or for some comparatively minor offense like not lending them money, etc).
Perhaps "dressing down" was a bit strong for all cases. What I mean more is, just talk "real" without any inhibition or fear. If the kid has some real or imagined complaint, a parent could say hey, what's eating you, what did I do wrong, let me have it, we're adults, I may not be able to make it up to you but I sure can listen and own up to my part in our estrangement. When are you free for coffee? If it doesn't work, are the parents any worse off in those cases in which their kids have completely estranged themselves for years? (Note, I'm not talking about parents who were definitely abusive in any way; I'm responding to the pain of those whose kids just cut them off for no apparent reason, or for some comparatively minor offense like not lending them money, etc).
Yeah, I would definitely give this a try, unless the kid is a hopeless drama queen. In fact, I think this - talking "real" - is a highly appropriate way to communicate with all adults. And most children. It tends to save a huge amount of mis-communication and confusion.
What adult kid would tolerate a 'dressing down' and what would it solve other than making a parent feel good for a nanosecond? 'Letting them have it' only serves to validate what they already might think of you.
Treat your neglectful child with the same respect you would a friend. Be courteous and hear them out. Find out why. You'll probably get a convoluted response but it shows that you care about what they're feeling.
If I fly in the face of a friend then I'm slamming a door, grabbing the last word from my high horse. You think it will be interpreted differently by an adult child?
Just don't try that 'feel good' stuff with my brother. He'll mock and ridicule you behind your back. I know; I was his personal help hotline for over thirty years. He bad-mouthed everyone--my parents, siblings, his wife, children, in-laws, friends. I guess he had to talk to someone else about me.
Just about a year ago I told him exactly what I thought of him and haven't talked to him since. It's his loss. Now he probably has to pay someone to listen to him.
I don't think anyone who is not or has not been estranged from an adult child is equipped to hand out information on the painful subject. I suggest finding a forum like Daily Strength and going to Parents Of Estranged Adult Children Everywhere (PEACE) where you'll find other parents who've actually been there, done that. Another good group is HOPE, Haven of Peace for Estranged Parents, also Daily Strength. HOPE is for parents further along and accepting of their situation. Good luck and blessings to all struggling parents.
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And the up-all-night caretaking, etc. I'd throw in all the home-cooked meals, all the years of help with homework, and while on a roll, how much I loved them.
