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Yeah, some parents do buy their kids' love, either overtly or indirectly. For the parent who isn't wealthy, that can really hurt and I feel for you.
The thing is, when you have to buy that love with money, the love lasts only as long as the money keeps coming. It's a very poor substitute for what the kids really need, and it certainly doesn't do the kids any real favors in the long run.
The thing is, when you have to buy that love with money, the love lasts only as long as the money keeps coming. It's a very poor substitute for what the kids really need, and it certainly doesn't do the kids any real favors in the long run.
Very young kids only know that one grandma is giving them all sorts of cool and costly things and the other may be giving too, but much less materialistic things. What kid in this culture could resist the former?
The thing is, when you have to buy that love with money, the love lasts only as long as the money keeps coming. It's a very poor substitute for what the kids really need, and it certainly doesn't do the kids any real favors in the long run.
Very young kids only know that one grandma is giving them all sorts of cool and costly things and the other may be giving too, but much less materialistic things. What kid in this culture would not come to prefer her?
I was accused of buying my niece and nephew's love because I bought them cool stuff/clothes for Christmas when they were younger and that comment just broke my heart. I will never forget it and it changed my feelings completely toward the person who said it (grandmother) although I guess they all felt that way. I told her that I did it because I loved them, I had no children/family of my own, and I really enjoyed picking things out of them for Christmas. I didn't have a lot of money but I enjoyed doing it out of love and I'm a generous person. I also bought all of the adults very nice gifts too (even the other aunts, uncles and grandparents) so I wasn't just that way with the kids. I didn't expect them to love me more, which they didn't, but apparently the adults had more issues with it than the kids but IMO that's on them. Interestingly enough, nobody ever, ever refused any of my gifts. I never viewed it as a "contest", but I guess I was very naïve that way, but I'll never regret doing it (at least as far as the kid's gifts go).
1st - newenglandgirl, I'm talking about my grown son who is 41. He is in and out of an institution and it is so difficult to deal with him. He's a charmer and, as his mother, he melts my heart & knows it. BUT, when he is off meds or not lucid, he has threatened to kill my family and his father's also. At that point I had to step back and let the mental health professionals do what they have been trained to do.
2nd - loveatumn; my sister did the same thing and it hurts the parent when you are buying the kids things that they can't afford to get them. My brother had children later in life and, because of what my sister had done, I always asked him what I should get my niece and nephew. That way he had a say in it and there were no hurt feelings.
1st - newenglandgirl, I'm talking about my grown son who is 41. He is in and out of an institution and it is so difficult to deal with him. He's a charmer and, as his mother, he melts my heart & knows it. BUT, when he is off meds or not lucid, he has threatened to kill my family and his father's also. At that point I had to step back and let the mental health professionals do what they have been trained to do.
Now I see what you're saying. Heartbreakingly, some people who need therapy and meds either don't stick with it or they outright reject treatment. Since your son is getting and accepting treatment, that's a great blessing.
2nd - loveatumn; my sister did the same thing and it hurts the parent when you are buying the kids things that they can't afford to get them. My brother had children later in life and, because of what my sister had done, I always asked him what I should get my niece and nephew. That way he had a say in it and there were no hurt feelings.
Very wise thing to do. In my case, the other grandma is lavishing all kinds of material goods on our grandchildren (she's the mother of the kids' mother, so that's probably natural). I have bought the twins one nice present to share for Christmas, a window bird house, and am giving their mother a check in each of their names for their education fund. Anything I would buy for them is just more stuff to add to their too many things.
Very young kids only know that one grandma is giving them all sorts of cool and costly things and the other may be giving too, but much less materialistic things. What kid in this culture would not come to prefer her?
I think kids should get more credit than that. My parents had the means to indulge, but gave my kids the gift of their time. They would record themselves reading books, and send the tape and the book as a gift. They wrote lots of letters. They did give material gifts, but only one, and it was never over-the-top, but it was always something they knew the boys would enjoy.
We're in this situation right now, with a 2 yr old grandson. The other grandparents are extremely wealthy. I can't begin to compete with the mountain of gifts they shower him with, and I don't want to. I can't see myself ever spending more than $100 per occasion, but each item will carefully chosen. I have one thing on my side, and that's experience raising three little boys. I think it will see me through.
Very young kids only know that one grandma is giving them all sorts of cool and costly things and the other may be giving too, but much less materialistic things. What kid in this culture would not come to prefer her?
I have to disagree. My kids knew by the age of four which grandparent enjoyed being around them (and which didn't). All the toys and gifts in the world didn't change that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveautumn
I was accused of buying my niece and nephew's love because I bought them cool stuff/clothes for Christmas when they were younger and that comment just broke my heart. I will never forget it and it changed my feelings completely toward the person who said it (grandmother)...
It would do the same to me. It's hard to understand some people...you'd think that by the time one reached grandparenthood, h/she would have put their own childhood issues away.
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