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If he isn't having accidents with his car I'd just leave him alone for now and let him be. Disappearing for a couple of hours may be what he wanted to do, he still has a right to his privacy.
My dad is 86 and still gets around in his car. Though the skills may be somewhat diminished, I'd still let him drive anywhere with me as the passenger. In fact, if he chopped it into 300-350 mile driving days, I'd wager my dad could still drive cross country.
Post this in the Caregiving forum. There are countless posts there with situations like yours.
In short, your FIL is very old, probably has dementia and is a hazard to himself and others, especially when he gets behind the wheel. You will have to insist he change, and it will be hard. He should not be living by himself. Your husband will have to become the parent, as his father is returning to childhood dependence.
I have posted there and several people have been helpful throughout our journey. We are fortunate to have the caregivers. He will not move. We have tried all these things. Even the attorney whose mother lives right behind him. No go.
We have a great senior community close to us and I called them. The girl there told me at age 91 she wouldn't even take him - that he sounds like he would be such a problem. Just not adaptable.
I think a lot of the posters on the retirement forum are generally from 57 to 77 and many have elderly parents or have lost them in the past few years. Just wondering how they handled some of these issues.
His wish is to stay in his own home and we now have these 2 lovely women coming in and there is now a routine. Right now, the driving is the only thing really bothering me and the fact that he can be mean one minute and then 5 minutes late, he's OK. (He was a bully most of his life so....maybe it's that side).
We are very familiar with Alzheimers - my MIL had this lovely disease and then my own mother (slightly).
This is our last parent left which is sad in itself. We just want him to be happy. (We also have a wonderful Alzheimers center in our city but he would never go - such a shame too).
I think a lot of the posters on the retirement forum are generally from 57 to 77 and many have elderly parents or have lost them in the past few years. Just wondering how they handled some of these issues.
We did the hard thing with my MIL: took the keys and hid the car battery, after checking with our county attorney to make sure we weren't breaking any laws. He suggested we also deflate the tires (we didn't) and assured us that as long as we didn't take the car, there wouldn't be any problem. We were confident her reduced mental competency would preclude her calling a locksmith and obtaining a new battery. Just in case we told all the neighbors not to help her in getting back in the driver's seat, that if they truly wanted to help, just offer her a ride. That turned out to be a good move because she spent several weeks going around to them asking for help in getting the car going again.
It worked. Downside was DH became the least favorite child and sibling. His 3 siblings opted to remain stuck in the hand-wringing ~but she's mom! who deserves her independence and dignity! even if she's a menace on the roads!~ mode. DH said "Fine, I'll be the bad guy, lay it all on me." MIL sputtered, spat, cursed, and gave him the evil eye every day, complained loudly about his betrayal to anyone who would listen. Took about 6-8 months for everyone to sort out their feelings and DH to regain his favored-child status. 3 years later, car is long sold, DH is his mom's and siblings' hero.
Two things that made it work: 1) as said, DH was willing to stand firm, despite his mom's and siblings' protestations; and 2) we live close enough so that MIL was never without transportation. There was someone (usually us) there daily, to drive her where she needed to go.
I would send two letters: One to his doctor, advising that you have observed he is not competent to drive, and the other to your state Department of Motor Vehicles. You can report him anonymously. They will follow up. He probably could not pass a test.
It is imperative that you get him off the road. One of my friends had a child of hers killed by an elderly driver and you know it happens more than we would like to think. I forceably took my mother's keys away - she had a fit, but I was not going to have that on my conscience, since she was clearly a danger to herself and others (and she said she did not even care if she were to kill others - that was just "tough").
It is imperative that you get him off the road. One of my friends had a child of hers killed by an elderly driver and you know it happens more than we would like to think. I forceably took my mother's keys away - she had a fit, but I was not going to have that on my conscience, since she was clearly a danger to herself and others (and she said she did not even care if she were to kill others - that was just "tough").
Exactly.
Approach it as if he's a toddler or teen for whom you have to take charge and define what he cannot do. As toddlers and teens do, he will vociferously protest and fight for his independence. Since you love him dearly, want what's best for him, and recognize his limitations, you grit your teeth and do the right thing.
I would not try to involve the DMV and doctors. I don't have a solution but I can offer some ideas to think about.
First, does he have any activities or interests besides watching TV and eating? Consider anything that would get him out of the house and around other people.
Second, what would happen if the car stopped working?
Go to the DMV and request that they test him because you feel he is not competent to drive. They will send him a letter to come in and be road tested or they will pull his license. Then you can blame the DMV and not be the villain. If he still tries to drive without his license, take the coil and coil wire out of his car. He does sound like he is beginning to have dementia symptoms, but they can come and go for a long time based on the circumstances. My MIL has good days where you'd think she was perfect, and then on another day she can't remember words or family members and gets so frustrated when she can't find something and it's right there where it always is.
I would send two letters: One to his doctor, advising that you have observed he is not competent to drive, and the other to your state Department of Motor Vehicles. You can report him anonymously. They will follow up. He probably could not pass a test.
It is imperative that you get him off the road. One of my friends had a child of hers killed by an elderly driver and you know it happens more than we would like to think. I forceably took my mother's keys away - she had a fit, but I was not going to have that on my conscience, since she was clearly a danger to herself and others (and she said she did not even care if she were to kill others - that was just "tough").
This. NOW.
Absolutely involve the DMV. In California you can do it anonymously. We did.
My FIL's doctor told dad not to renew his license. He was passing out in public places. It never happened behind the wheel but it could have. He did drive after it expired - thinking no one would know. We have found out about accidents and fenderbenders they would not tell us about from neighbors.
We then reported MIL to the DMV - and she went in - and PASSED the written test but failed the behind the wheel test. This put them both into a panic - and helped us help them decide to move to assisted living.
You will be angry with yourself if your dad gets in the car and kills someone. It will make his life way more miserable than it would be if he had his car taken away.
I would send two letters: One to his doctor, advising that you have observed he is not competent to drive, and the other to your state Department of Motor Vehicles. You can report him anonymously. They will follow up. He probably could not pass a test.
It is imperative that you get him off the road. One of my friends had a child of hers killed by an elderly driver and you know it happens more than we would like to think. I forceably took my mother's keys away - she had a fit, but I was not going to have that on my conscience, since she was clearly a danger to herself and others (and she said she did not even care if she were to kill others - that was just "tough").
Last August or September, he took the eye test! For some reason, they do not do a driving test (I wish). He passed. Every time, he sees me he pulls out his license and shows me he passed and talks about how great a driver he is.
I know he thinks I'm behind this or something. I'm not.
The doctors will not help. There's another poster on here who said the same thing. We'll try the DMV.
I married my husband almost 30 years ago - he was a poor driver then (fast, doesn't come to a stop at lights - rolling stop).
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Just wanted opinions on how others have handled
