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WHILE I basically agree with you, you might have a different view if it happens to you, and your are the recipient of being shunned---by all your children rather than just one. Though at the moment, only one is doing it, the other one has distanced herself from us, though not cut us off(however she could since she did it in the past right after we paid a $2000 bill she had that was heading to jail time for her). Oddly, they were both devastated when their grand parents and cousins and aunts and uncles did this to them, and still talk about how it affected their lives, they seem to have supreme blinders on, when it comes to them doing exact the same thing to their parents, and now the parents got it from both their parents and their children.
After awhile, you think about essentially paying them to have contact with you. Its simply a transaction: you want the inheritance, then take the time to interact with your elderly mother or father. After all, in my case, I used my early hand to mouth money to pay for your early life, your college education, your first and even second car, and even a down payment on your house.
Loneliness for contact with your children will make you think differently.
As to whose fault it is, I have described over and over again here, that dysfunctional alcoholic family members(where there is alcohol or not) are often subjected to shunning for breaking the family rules. I know that people who never experienced that kind of dysfunctional family simply cannot understand, and believe it has to be the parents fault. My wife is in that category, and so she apologizes for things that she didn’t do or that she did do but which in a normal family are perfectly appropriate. And when you do that, then you make yourself responsible, which means you make yourself the scapegoat. There is nothing good when the family starts labeling you the scapegoat, nothing good in any way.
People usually believe that the kids are blameless and that the parents did something to them, but they don’t understand that in dysfunctional families, all love and affection is continually conditional. It doesn’t matter if last year you provided them enough money to buy a house. If this year you didn’t come to their house for Christmas(regardless if this was a considerable hardship to you), this is ground for shunning, because it proves you don’t care about them. This is totally irrational, but its true.
Ah HA ! AND there we have it!!! Jail time?? YOU paying the $2,000 bill for your adult baby?
Jail time. Hmmm? Wonder how that came to be. What self centered irresponsible action led to that little debacle?
WHILE I basically agree with you, you might have a different view if it happens to you, and your are the recipient of being shunned---by all your children rather than just one. Though at the moment, only one is doing it, the other one has distanced herself from us, though not cut us off(however she could since she did it in the past right after we paid a $2000 bill she had that was heading to jail time for her). Oddly, they were both devastated when their grand parents and cousins and aunts and uncles did this to them, and still talk about how it affected their lives, they seem to have supreme blinders on, when it comes to them doing exact the same thing to their parents, and now the parents got it from both their parents and their children.
After awhile, you think about essentially paying them to have contact with you. Its simply a transaction: you want the inheritance, then take the time to interact with your elderly mother or father. After all, in my case, I used my early hand to mouth money to pay for your early life, your college education, your first and even second car, and even a down payment on your house.
Loneliness for contact with your children will make you think differently.
As to whose fault it is, I have described over and over again here, that dysfunctional alcoholic family members(where there is alcohol or not) are often subjected to shunning for breaking the family rules. I know that people who never experienced that kind of dysfunctional family simply cannot understand, and believe it has to be the parents fault. My wife is in that category, and so she apologizes for things that she didn’t do or that she did do but which in a normal family are perfectly appropriate. And when you do that, then you make yourself responsible, which means you make yourself the scapegoat. There is nothing good when the family starts labeling you the scapegoat, nothing good in any way.
People usually believe that the kids are blameless and that the parents did something to them, but they don’t understand that in dysfunctional families, all love and affection is continually conditional. It doesn’t matter if last year you provided them enough money to buy a house. If this year you didn’t come to their house for Christmas(regardless if this was a considerable hardship to you), this is ground for shunning, because it proves you don’t care about them. This is totally irrational, but its true.
So who did the rule breaking here? You and your wife were shunned, you say,,,,, ? I guess I am in the category of 'not getting' it. If you and your wife didn't create this dysfunction, who did? Your parents?
Agree 100%. There are so many safety nets for America's inhabitants that nobody should go hungry.
While it is true there are safety nets did you ever look into qualify for them? I did (not for me but to help someone else) and I was "shocked". You'd have to be in the system most if not all of your life to qualify. If your middle class and suddenly need help for what ever reason you're in for a rude awakening.
I don't think inheritance is earned. Whatever happens to be left, it will be divided equally between my three sons.
After my death is not the time to make a point.
There are no truer words. Attempting to make a point after you're dead is nothing other selfish and laughably self-righteous... but if it makes you feel like a hotshot while you're still breathing, go for it.
Ah HA ! AND there we have it!!! Jail time?? YOU paying the $2,000 bill for your adult baby?
Jail time. Hmmm? Wonder how that came to be. What self centered irresponsible action led to that little debacle?
And yes.... I would do it again to keep my child from jail time. I do believe that any caring parent would.
She had college loans. Some company offered her a better interest rate than the Federal Government, so she took it. Then she lost her job, and could not get another one for a period of time. In the mean time, if she had still had the federal loan, the Feds would have discontinued required payments until she got a job. But the private company moved on her. Since she had no assets, they were threatening extremely nasty criminal suit for fraud, and were threatening jail time.
Then she did get a job, but it was not enough to pay the back balance, or barely live on with the payment they wanted per month. So she was paying what she could. They were threatening to garnish her wages for the full amount, which might have put her back on welfare. it was a nasty complicated situation.
We paid the balance that the company was harassing her for. She got back on her payments, and by 5 years later had paid it all off.
There is no adult baby here. But your response is disgusting and typical of what people think they can say on the internet. I seriously doubt you would have said such an obnoxious comment to my face.
We don't have a debtor's prison system here in the US to my knowledge. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never heard of anyone going to jail simply because they missed a few loan payments.
But that's beside the point. The real point is this: You have a daughter that's already accepted $2000 from you to "keep her out of jail" or whatever. She's shunning you now too? Along with the other kids?
Don't grovel. No one respects that. And respect is the cornerstone of every good relationship.
We don't have a debtor's prison system here in the US to my knowledge. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never heard of anyone going to jail simply because they missed a few loan payments.
....
People are often jailed for failure to pay municipal fines.
Why do you think they cut off all contact with you? There must be reasons. I could see if it was one of the three children, but when all three have nothing to do with you anymore, you need to start taking a long, hard look at yourself. I'm sorry, I'm just being honest here.
Exactly! There are a few here that have ALL of their kids not speaking to them and 1000 excuses. Give me a break. As a mother of 4, if ALL of my children are estranged, it's time to look within!
I've already asked about this and all I get is "alcoholic family = you wouldn't understand" but the OP says it was their father that was an alcoholic not these adult kids parent. Idk...
We don't have a debtor's prison system here in the US to my knowledge. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never heard of anyone going to jail simply because they missed a few loan payments.
But that's beside the point. The real point is this: You have a daughter that's already accepted $2000 from you to "keep her out of jail" or whatever. She's shunning you now too? Along with the other kids?
Don't grovel. No one respects that. And respect is the cornerstone of every good relationship.
You are correct. They only way she could be arrested is for a possible warrant for missing court but even that would be rare to enforce...
As the OP, I have gotten what I wanted from this thread.
It has now degenerated into other discussions, and attacks on me for my choices by people who simply do not understand, nor do they wish to understand, the often irrational responses to circumstances in a dysfunctional alcoholic family, or in how these families propagate in further generations even when drinking no longer exists.
Thanks to all who replied with conscientious responses and answered my question.
Mod cut.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 01-05-2018 at 09:01 AM..
Reason: The Terms of Service do not permit "I am leaving" posts.
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