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I am new to this site, I also have a child with severe RAD, we adopted her when she was 2. She is now 14, It was a living hell. No one wanted to help us. Are problem was she was trying to kill us at the age of 5. We went to many therapist, programs, etc but no change. Finally at age 9 we got her into a great program in Oregon. Today she is much better, not perfect but better. She is not living at home. I want to let you know I understand so much what you are going through when you deal with it every day. We kind of go into survial mode. I know our family did. The most important thing is to take time "away" from them. And when dealing with a RAD child who usually has more disorders with it, don't let them see you are mad and upset, then they are in control which is what it is all about. There is help out there but it takes alot of work. I feel for you, what you are going through living with a child like that it wears you out. I use to think I cannot go another day I did that for years. Our case was rare but I know there is more like our child, that try to kill. She did kill our animals and one of our family, and attempted to kill the foster mom where she stayed before we got her into a good program. She will be on probation until she is an adult.
I wish you all the best of luck and if I can help please feel free to ask.
My God in Heaven. This sounds like you are living my life. My wife and I have two great biological sons. No problems. We adopted a girl and a boy (12 years ago) when they were 2 and 1 1/2 years old. We had no knowledge of RAD then. Wow we know about it now on a PHD level! Long story and many many hellatious times. We experienced every characteristic of RAD and many other psych conditions with both children. The girl lied on one our sons and on all of us and we had all of our family taken away. Triangulation.. Lies Lies Lies.....!!!! Stealing etc....... OH WOW!!! We gave up parental rights with her after 9 years. Could not take anymore.. We kept the boy and to this moment I don't know why. He seems way worse than his sister. At 13 he has been arrested twice. Removed from every school and care facility. We don't have any friends or family that will or has ever helped uis with these children. Their behavior has directly affected our biological children, which are now yound adults and moved away. We have lost over 10 jobs each because of these children for one reason or another. I too can not imagine the upper teenage years.!
We have absolutely NO Trust with ANYTHING that this boy says. We lock up everything. He destroys anything. Harms animals etc... Steals, And does not ever tell the truth without extreme measures of cornering him with evidence that he is caught. And that rarely works.
He needs to be institutionalized. Meds don't seem to work. He has to be watched 24/7 and then you still can't trust him.
My story is repeated over and over by so many people that I have read about and met personally. It is so sad. All wee were doing was to try and help some kids to have a good home, and life.
I do not recommend adoption ecept without extreme detailed background search and pre adoption therapy.
T
Hi new to the site I have a child that they say has rad ,bipolor,and it seems the list keeps going noone in my family seems to care even my husband he sees nothing wrong she is so mean to me and lies like us wont believe destories everything thinks we are made out of money if you buy and let her do what ever shes pretty good ,if you tell her no all h brakes loose. But noone gets it like me says its my fault for everything that has ever happened in her life even if kids are mean I catch it when she comes home from school I'm about to loose my mind and can't seem to get help shes in theraphy 2 a month now they say she needs to see a rad doctor but we dont have ant in are area.
Wow! I hate to hear that everyone else is going thru this. At what point, Tzadeek, did you decide to terminate rights for your daughter? We still struggle with our son. He's back in public school (was homeschooled a while) and seems to be enjoying causing chaos with whomever happens to be in his vicinity. I hate that you've lost jobs over these things. We've emptied our 401K because of the expenses incurred because of our son's actions (if not directly, then indirectly). He hasn't been arrested but that's probably because he isn't allowed to go outside without us watching him (or being with him). We too, have 2 biological children and 2 adopted children. Last year, my husband took our daughters on vacation and my son & I stayed home. He was much better when it was just he & I, and my husband & the girls enjoyed themselves & were able to destress without our son's constant 'picking'. Of course, the vacation had to end and within moments of everyone coming home, things were back to 'normal' again.
The lying is toughest on me. I know that everything that is said is a lie & still it hurts. We have the routine that we check all pockets before leaving the house & the store. Our son has a clear backpack & we still check it. He has destroyed his clothes dresser & furniture, so he has only a bed in his room - clothes get hung up, he has clear boxes for folded clothes and hanging nets to put things in (we can see everything when we look in his room). Anything out of place is searched. We keep constant dialogue with his teachers. They know that they cannot give him anything without telling us first or else we will think that it is stolen. Conversely, if they see him with anything from home (without me sending a note telling them of it) they will presume that it is stolen. And on & on & on....
It is exhausting and I'm trying to find peace with the idea that he may be 'as good as he gets'. I am seriously thinking that we need to do a writing & calling campaign to our legislatures. How can anyone afford care for these kids? How can anyone afford residential treatment with an average stay of 9 - 18 months? We were once told to send our son to a place in another state that charges $9,000 per week! And the family had to attend family therapy sessions so the whole 6 of us would have to go & 5 of us would have to stay in a hotel or host family!
Are you aware of the mental health parody bill that was signed with the first bailout package in October? I don't know the details but I believe that if you have healthcare insurance through your employer (more than 50 employees) and they provide mental health coverage, then the coverages & payments (deductibles, number of visits, etc) for mental health must be the same as a physical illness. The bill takes eff. 10'09. Many employers will probably wait for Jan '10 to include it. I know it won't help everyone but it's a good start. I sure hope that it doesn't make employers give up healthcare coverage altogether to get out of it.
I think that we need to alert our legislatures of our problem. I know that there has been a few programs on TV about it over the years but we need to keep it in the forefront. Everyone is talking about healthcare reform now... we need to let them know that we need help for these kids and for the families!!! What will happen to our kids when they grow up? They'll hurt someone & themselves, then go into prison, where they'll hurt someone & themselves, & on & on & on. They will have kids & won't be able to take care of them, so then their kids will get RAD or we'll be taking care of them because our kids will not be able to take care of them. Do we want to raise our grandchildren??? No! This illness is preventable, but the resources have to be there (and they aren't now!)
I don't have any answers. I wish everyone the best. It hurts my heart to hear others going through the same struggles & pain that our family has been through. For those that haven't yet done the research - do it. Learn everything you can about RAD. Try whatever you can. I've found that what works today, doesn't work tomorrow. Some days I stay calm, other days I can't. Our son has lots of techniques to calm himself down, tricks to keep focused, ways to 'get along' and yet, he won't do them unless we make him. His anger is his comfort place. My personal theory on this is that you can only justify being mean to others when you keep yourself angry... at some point, you have to calm down & look at yourself. Anger keeps all of that at bay. When you can use anger as an excuse then you don't have to be civil or rational. Besides... it's fun. As my son says, "I wanted to see what they'd do". (it's fun).
My husband & I joked one day that we should be on one of the reality TV shows like Wife Swap or The Nanny just to see what they would do to fix us. Tempting as it is, we decided we'd better leave well enough alone.
I have my daughter at a place called Ranch for Kids in Montana. Its not 10K a month, its actually 4K including her counseling. They specialize in kids adopted from eastern europe. Its a very structured enviornment that just cant' be provided in a home setting. A pshychologist comes in from outside once a week to work with the kids (contracted separately from the parents).
Anyway my daughter is doing well in the program there. Something to check out to se eif its a fit. I understand there is one or two more programs out there like this one as well.
I started this thread quite awhile ago. We are all going through some really wicked and evil things. ((RAD))
I felt like you do right now. If you read my post, you could see how much our family was going through with our daughter. She is now 13 and has been home with us for a few months now. I have learned quite a bit and have learned how to deal with her to make our lives together more stabilized.
Attachment is regarded as the primary source of a child's security, self esteem, self control and social skills. Through the attachment relationship, a baby learns how to identify her own feelings and how to read them in others, such as the mother or the care-giver. It is deeply rooted in our genetic heritage. When a child is born to a mother who is abusive, neglectful or abandoning, the baby's attachment needs are not addressed and the baby is at risk for developing an "attachment disorder." Children with this disorder suffer from the inability to love and to be loved. The lack of being able to "connect" can be displayed in forms of cruelty to other people and animals, lack of remorse or trust, aggression and anger, lying, stealing starting fires, violent behavior, ect.
The early abandonment that these children have experienced is embedded in their heart and in their soul. The good intentions of a loving and caring family cannot and will not convince the child that they are lovable.These children embark on a lifelong journey to protect themselves from further hurt, often to the point of trying to get even. These children chose to love once and did not get back the love they had hoped for. Their personal needs were not met in the first few months or years of their lives. To begin to depend on someone for their own personal needs and to receive love and caring means death in their way of thinking.Resisting love is the only way these children know how to survive. Dysfunctional and destructive behavioral patterns have been ingrained in these children.
Trying to raise children with attachment issues require a different approach than raising a child which has no attachment issues.
My heart and prayers go out to all of you that are struggling with the attachment issues. It is pure and simple hell.... For you, your family and for the hurting child.
My family and I are about to adopt 2 boys age 3 and 4 that have RAD, they been with us 1a year and a half, the state is pushing the adoption. We have reseaved no help and we see signs of dangerous behaviours. I am very concern. fearful mom
My family and I are about to adopt 2 boys age 3 and 4 that have RAD, they been with us 1a year and a half, the state is pushing the adoption. We have reseaved no help and we see signs of dangerous behaviors. I am very concern. fearful mom
Sadly, many parents embark on the task of raising an adopted child who are ill prepared for understanding or coping with the behavioral manifestations of a child who often fells like a throw away kid.
There is a controversy in the field of adoption about HOW MUCH information prospective adoptive parents should be given regarding the medical and psychological backgrounds of mothers who relinquish their children for placement, as well as risk factors for the child.
Many adoptive parents find that undiagnosed medical and psychological problems in the children end up costing thousands of extra dollars per month. Representatives of adoption agencies sometimes admit they are in a difficult position with regard to placing children for adoption. Keep in mind: these agencies are often unaware of any potential risk factors for these children, simply because they don't know ALL THE DETAILS about the background of the biological mother or the family.
The financial and emotional burden for handling these children still most likely exclusively fall on the adoptive family. Don't maintain the mistaken belief that children with challenging backgrounds just need loving homes.
It is simply not true.
You have every reason to be concerned. Especially if you are seeing that kind of behavior at this young age. These kids can't always be helped and when they can they definately DO require services. I would rethink the decision to adopt if you don't have services available.
My conversations with my social worker led me to believe that services were available and thats simply not true in many states. My daughter's therapist here even suggested that I move to Boston to get help for my daughter. Instead she is at Ranch for Kids and seems to be doing very well. But the cost is about $4000.00 mnth including counseling for a period that could be 6 months to a year.
You have to be realistic about whether or not you have the resources to help these kids. Just like a kid with physical needs, these are definately special needs kids.
I started this thread quite awhile ago. We are all going through some really wicked and evil things. ((RAD))
I felt like you do right now. If you read my post, you could see how much our family was going through with our daughter. She is now 13 and has been home with us for a few months now. I have learned quite a bit and have learned how to deal with her to make our lives together more stabilized.
Attachment is regarded as the primary source of a child's security, self esteem, self control and social skills. Through the attachment relationship, a baby learns how to identify her own feelings and how to read them in others, such as the mother or the care-giver. It is deeply rooted in our genetic heritage. When a child is born to a mother who is abusive, neglectful or abandoning, the baby's attachment needs are not addressed and the baby is at risk for developing an "attachment disorder." Children with this disorder suffer from the inability to love and to be loved. The lack of being able to "connect" can be displayed in forms of cruelty to other people and animals, lack of remorse or trust, aggression and anger, lying, stealing starting fires, violent behavior, ect.
The early abandonment that these children have experienced is embedded in their heart and in their soul. The good intentions of a loving and caring family cannot and will not convince the child that they are lovable.These children embark on a lifelong journey to protect themselves from further hurt, often to the point of trying to get even. These children chose to love once and did not get back the love they had hoped for. Their personal needs were not met in the first few months or years of their lives. To begin to depend on someone for their own personal needs and to receive love and caring means death in their way of thinking.Resisting love is the only way these children know how to survive. Dysfunctional and destructive behavioral patterns have been ingrained in these children.
Trying to raise children with attachment issues require a different approach than raising a child which has no attachment issues.
My heart and prayers go out to all of you that are struggling with the attachment issues. It is pure and simple hell.... For you, your family and for the hurting child.
I am going to ask you to rethink your adoption plans.
I want you to look at what will be paid for by DCS. I want you to think carefully about possibly remaining just a foster parent. Don't let the state push you into adopting.
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Not residential care but something
My rad world. . . .
)
