Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
$10,000 is cheap where i live, and is also cheap where i grew up, which has a low cost of living.
if the person truly wanted advice, i'd just tell them that they should pay for their wedding with money they have, and not go into debt because of it.
who knows what they can afford? maybe they saved up extra money for a while to pay for a wedding. $10,000 is modest on a wedding. that's my opinion. i'm sure there are some towns where it's not modest, but i can't imagine there are many.
I have never seen the appeal of a big whoop-de-do wedding. Seems to me like alot of attention and expense for a few hours. You are just as married either way you do it.
Speaking as someone who got married in her mother's back yard, had a picnic with sack races and water balloon fights -- I totally agree. And considering that we're going strong 27 years later I have to say our crazy wedding took rather well.
What gets me is that a wedding seems like its no longer about getting married, it's about the Broadway Production of it, with Busby Berkeley directing...
But at the same time -- people want it. And want it bigger and better than someone elses.... so why not?
Speaking as someone who got married in her mother's back yard, had a picnic with sack races and water balloon fights -- I totally agree. And considering that we're going strong 27 years later I have to say our crazy wedding took rather well.
What gets me is that a wedding seems like its no longer about getting married, it's about the Broadway Production of it, with Busby Berkeley directing...
But at the same time -- people want it. And want it bigger and better than someone elses.... so why not?
and some people want designed purses or shoes. some people want nice cars. some people want nice stereo or home theater. some want a nice tv.
if one saves for what they want, then who cares? if the OPs friend is asking for advice about going into debt for a wedding, sure, offer the advice. but if they saved the $10k and are financially alright otherwise, then it's no one's business if they spend that.
to the medicaid point, it's a state run system that gets federal dollars, sure, but if they qualify, they qualify. it's based on income. if they manage to save enough for a wedding on income that qualifies for medicaid, that's kudos to them. and it's not anyone's business how they spend the money they save.
I didn't really know in which forum to post this, but here goes:
A co-worker is getting married next year and is planning on spending both her & her fiance's tax refunds and more on the event. Between the two of them, they have 5 kids and net less than 50,000 a year. She has had serious health problems and been out of work off and on.
How can I convince her that she's watching too many wedding shows on TV and it's ludicrous to have TWO dresses, a wedding party of 14, etc.?
She's a really sweet person and a (so far) cancer survivor, but 20% of your annual income????
We're all looking for inexpensive venues and have offered to do the food (we're restaurant people,) but her head's in the clouds...and secretly, it's bothering me that they can actually afford this, since medicaid paid hundreds of thousands for her cancer surgeries, while I'm scraping by to pay my very basic health insurance. GRRRR. But that's a whole 'nother issue.
Any thoughts or advice? Thanks!
and is planning on spending both her & her fiance's tax refunds and more on the event.
so she and her fiance are spending their tax refunds on this wedding, right? so that is their money, right?
Between the two of them, they have 5 kids
did the kids she has now come from a divorce or was she not married and still had them? do you understand why I ask this question?
and have offered to do the food
so you offered to help w/the food? that is what you have said here, not she asked me to help w/the food.
medicaid paid hundreds of thousands for her cancer surgeries,
medicaid stepped in when she had to have surgery for her cancer, right? and how do you know how much medicaid paid, and IF she is your friend which it doesn't sound like it because you refer to her as a co-worker, but lets just say she is your friend, aren't you happy that there is a program which was able to step in to save her life and let her children continue to enjoy having their mother around?
while I'm scraping by to pay my very basic health insurance. GRRRR. But that's a whole 'nother issue.
No, I don't think it's a whole 'nother issue, I think this IS the issue w/you. Do you not see how jealousy is poking its head in your statement? Are you jealous because you did not have the nice, expensive wedding that she will have? Did you not get to wear two dresses even though given the chance/money you would have loved to have had two dresses? Does it bother you that when it came to a life-threating disease, she was able to get passed it through government help and yet here you are having to pay for basic insurance when you could certainly use that money on something else but because you have not been hit w/ a major, major illness, you feel that the money you are spending on insurance is a waste?
She's a really sweet person and a (so far) cancer survivor,
her head's in the clouds...
She's a really sweet person
they have 5 kids
Don't you think she deserves to have her head in the clouds considering what she and her family have gone through? Can you see that this wedding is probably a celebration of her still being here on this earth and she wants to celebrate it (at a cost of 10k) w/her family and friends and enjoy such a special day? Don't you think that when she is in her coffin (because who knows if the cancer comes back), that those who attend her funeral will fondly remember her wedding day and how happy she looked, and how beautiful she looked?
This wedding may seem expensive to you and you are resentful because she got helped when she most needed when it seems that no one is helping you. Would you like to trade places w/her?
This wedding is a happy occasion, if you can not see that then you are really filled w/bitterness. But if you can get past your jealousy, then I would urge you to see it as a celebration of her life and hopefully a celebration of many, many years to come for her, her husband and children. After all, that is what we all want (ok, mostly).We want our family, after that we want good friends. Can you be a good friend to her? I hope you can because you can probably learn a lot from her.
This wedding is a happy occasion, if you can not see that then you are really filled w/bitterness. But if you can get past your jealousy, then I would urge you to see it as a celebration of her life and hopefully a celebration of many, many years to come for her, her husband and children. After all, that is what we all want (ok, mostly).We want our family, after that we want good friends. Can you be a good friend to her? I hope you can because you can probably learn a lot from her.
I think you are reading a lot into this that isn't there. There are a great many people in this world that think spending 10K on ANY wedding is ridiculous.
It's just an opinion.
And it's one I understand. I'd rather have the 10K myself. That doesn't make me bitter.
I had an amazing wedding (by our weird standards) and my mom spent less than 1000 bucks on it.
But I also had to bow out of a wedding soon after my father died, when I realized that I had to cover the cost of my education expenses, and the bride was intent on outdoing Princess Diana. I just couldn't afford it... and her insistance on everything being about her really hurt me.
Not kidding -- I called her to tell her my dad had just died the night before and five minutes later she was complaining about her dress not being right and for the next twenty minutes I had to cope with her wedding woes..... a week later I called her and bailed -- and didn't look back.
And that's why I told the OP she should do the same. I'm still friends with my friend 30 some years later, and that's more important than a wedding. By taking herself out of the equation, it won't bother her, and she can enjoy herself at the wedding.
I am paying way less than 10k for my wedding but it is not my place to complain about how someone else spends their money. Different strokes for different folks. If they want a 10k wedding then I'd be fully supportive of them as a friend and cancer survivor.
I think you are reading a lot into this that isn't there. There are a great many people in this world that think spending 10K on ANY wedding is ridiculous.
It's just an opinion.
And it's one I understand. I'd rather have the 10K myself. That doesn't make me bitter.
I had an amazing wedding (by our weird standards) and my mom spent less than 1000 bucks on it.
But I also had to bow out of a wedding soon after my father died, when I realized that I had to cover the cost of my education expenses, and the bride was intent on outdoing Princess Diana. I just couldn't afford it... and her insistance on everything being about her really hurt me.
Not kidding -- I called her to tell her my dad had just died the night before and five minutes later she was complaining about her dress not being right and for the next twenty minutes I had to cope with her wedding woes..... a week later I called her and bailed -- and didn't look back.
And that's why I told the OP she should do the same. I'm still friends with my friend 30 some years later, and that's more important than a wedding. By taking herself out of the equation, it won't bother her, and she can enjoy herself at the wedding.
Speaking from your experience you think the best thing she can do is just not help out w/the wedding so that she doesn't feel taken advantage of, am I reading that correctly?
IF I am reading it correctly then I'd like to point out that she was the one who offered to help, at least that is what was said in her original post. Because she is helping out and getting to see all that is being spent, then she seems to be feeling resentful for her co-worker spending so much considering how little money she has. So I agree w/you that if helping out is augmenting her negative feelings towards the wedding, then yes, she should excuse herself from helping and just keep things cordial between them.
As far as the expense of this person's wedding, the OP pointed out that most of it is coming from their tax refund and that $4k is left to cover the 10k cost. So since it is their money and since it is 4k that will perhaps be owed in credit cards or what have you AND because I really think this is a celebration of her life and still being here w/her loved ones, then $4k is a small amount considering how blessed she is.
Yes, I agree that 10k is a lot for a wedding. I could mention how we did our wedding to keep it less than $800 or there abouts, but it is not what I think about how much someone should spend on their wedding. Yes, I agree that $10k could be spent on something else that would be more lasting, but this is how she wants to spend it and why not? Why not treat herself a little bit when she came so close to going to the grave? Why not?
Perhaps I am reading more into this than what is there and certainly this is only MY opinion. But the OP has asked for input and we all know that whatever is written in forums like this one are opinions. Certainly you can disregard them if they don't fit w/your belief system. I also know that by writing my opinion, I too can get slammed, hey it comes w/the territory. But I can choose to let it affect me or just ignore it.
Last edited by Moorhen3; 09-20-2010 at 07:58 AM..
Reason: added
I'm really amazed at how many people don't get what the OP is saying, I saw a few get it, but I didn't expect some of the replies that I read.
Like everyone else, here is my 2 cents. A true friend does not want their friend to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a brief wedding when there will be 7 people to feed, provide shelter for, provide clothing, school supplies, lights, water, etc., on less than $50,000 per year. A true friend tries to stop their friend from running in the street and getting hit by a car, they don't keep their mouth shut and watch the carnage happen.
There is a difference between being nosy and offering your friend sound advice. If her friend was marrying someone with an extensive criminal record, you warn them because you care about them, but of course in the end, you have to let them make their own decisions.
Oh...I am happy that your friend beat cancer, so maybe their is something psychological about her wanting to have a big wedding because she overcame a tremendous obstacle, but when it comes down to it, we can't "live each day like it were our last", we have to plan, make smart decisions, and be practical.
Give your friend advice, do it tactfully...if she rejects it that's her decision.
how many people are invited to this wedding? i mean, i grew up in a small town where a wedding would typically cost about $35pp for the hall, food, drinks, that's like the cheapest place you can get besides a firehall. a dress can easily be had for under $1,000, even under $500. thrifty people can be creative. flowers and photographer. i mean, you can cut, cut cut, but how much is acceptable for a wedding?
maybe i'm skewed but $10,000 for all the costs of a wedding if you have 100-150 people attending doesn't seem expensive to me. now, if you're saying 100-150 is too many people, different story.
i wonder what an "average" wedding costs? i don't feel like googling right now
^^ Well that's the tradeoff, isn't it? The underlying common sense rule is that you don't spend more money than you have. So if you have $6K, you either spend less per head or you invite fewer people. It's not really that hard to figure out.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm amazed
