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I guess this is really what it comes down to. I can afford a $350k house. I can afford a $25k engagement ring (God save me). I can afford a baby. I can not afford all 3 at that level. If you were my girl and knew that I had to pay for all 3, how would you want me to divide it up?
babies are expensive! i will try to find the blog, someone priced out all the first year costs for their baby.
If i were you i would sit down and go through all the finances and try to plot out what you will need to pay for a mortgage, pay for a baby, have an emergency fund and to be able to save a little each month. Then, based on that, it may help you to get an idea what to spend on the ring.
That may be true, but if her younger siblings ALL are already married with kids, then his fiancee may not be too traditional anyway and may be better equipped to handle it.
It's funny reading the different responses and seeing how people view The Ring and its message.
I have personally only known one person who outwardly complained about her ring, and they ended up divorced. She was an insecure person who constantly compared her ring (and everything else they had and did) to all of ours in our circle of friends. Even when she took it to a jeweler and had it changed, as you can imagine that did not fix the problem.
If OP and his fiancee are a united front and feel the same way about engagement rings, they will be fine and they will be able to fend off snotty comments.
But OP really needs to be SURE of his fiancee's attitude toward engagement rings. If she wants a big ring up front, a placeholder may not be a good idea.
I would give you another rep point but can't...
My fiancee is not necessarily less traditional. She went the more traditional routes and it didn't work out the first time.
Regardless of what I get her, she would not outwardly complain (unless it's absurd). The problem is what she would feel inside (including how others comments would affect her). I love her, and want her to be happy and proud. I don't want her to look at her ring and see excuses, embarrassment, cheapness, etc. Nor do I want her to see frivolous spending, the reason we don't have a nice place to live, or the reason we are "counting coppers." (GoT reference for anyone that cares )
We are not truly a united front on engagement rings. This doesn't bother me because it's just an engagement ring. We're either united or complimentary in almost every area that it actually matters.
My fiancee is not necessarily less traditional. She went the more traditional routes and it didn't work out the first time.
Regardless of what I get her, she would not outwardly complain (unless it's absurd). The problem is what she would feel inside (including how others comments would affect her). I love her, and want her to be happy and proud. I don't want her to look at her ring and see excuses, embarrassment, cheapness, etc. Nor do I want her to see frivolous spending, the reason we don't have a nice place to live, or the reason we are "counting coppers." (GoT reference for anyone that cares )
We are not truly a united front on engagement rings. This doesn't bother me because it's just an engagement ring. We're either united or complimentary in almost every area that it actually matters.
All this pressure you are putting on yourself to please and live up to expectations is not healthy and will wear thin after a few years. But it sounds like you kind of know that and are willing to put up with it anyway. I honestly think that if you weren't expecting a baby, I would tell you to get the Big Ring.
However, now that a baby is on the way, all that goes out the window, and you have to be practical.
I still believe you should hold off on the house. Don't you dare even think of paying $25K for a ring. You can get an amazing ring for half that.
You probably have some idea of what kind of ring she likes. Do that, focus on having the baby, sock away any $$ you can for a down payment, and in a couple of years, when you have a realistic grasp of what it takes to raise a baby/toddler and what kind of house will make that easier, look for a house that will work.
I can't have this conversation with my girl. It's not acceptable from her culture / upbringing. Just talking about it with her would ruin the romance, make me less of a man, and automatically make her re-think things. I'm supposed to buy what I want her to have, and it better match her stylistic desires and monetary expectations relative to my wealth.
Could you show her this article and gauge her reaction?
This is the CNN article I was talking about earlier:
Personally, I wanted my now husband to propose. If he had chosen a ring I truly just hated, I would maybe have said something eventually (probably when buying the wedding band). There aren't too many things I would have hated though. I'm very into jewelry (I make it, after all) so he had some ideas about what I would like. What my family thinks about my ring is of no importance to me. I'm sure some of our family members on both sides think it is weird that I have an aquamarine ring. I really don't give a hoot though. I could afford to go buy a $50,000 ring right now if I wanted to, but I have other priorities.
I think you are probably worrying more than you need to. If you know your gf needs a fancy ring to be happy and you can't afford a diamond then maybe just get something that looks like a diamond and don't tell her (white topaz, white sapphire, etc.). In the long run, the ring doesn't matter. Honestly, if she is pregnant there's a good chance her hands will swell and she won't even be able to wear it! My sister wore a cheap $20 set from Target when she was pregnant (from like 6 months onward) and for awhile after until she went back to normal.
I can't have this conversation with my girl. It's not acceptable from her culture / upbringing. Just talking about it with her would ruin the romance, make me less of a man, and automatically make her re-think things. I'm supposed to buy what I want her to have, and it better match her stylistic desires and monetary expectations relative to my wealth.
I'm puzzled at the thought of a culture that doesn't allow an open discussion of finances but doesn't seem fazed at a pregnant bride.
You could get engaged with one of those. Get a plain band for the wedding, then buy her a nice rock after you two are settled in a house, the baby has already been born, and you have a handle on post-baby finances.
Good way to avoid the trade up thing.
Also? Sparkly. Very eye catching if chosen wisely.
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I thank you both for the input and you mean well, but you're both missing a key part of this. It's not that our relationship is bad and that's why I can't talk to her about this. It's that I'm not supposed to. You might as well say that a guy from the 50s has a serious problem with his relationship because he feels the need to ask the girl's shot-gun toting dad for permission.
Also, please do not call her my "baby mama." That term is dripping with derogatory innuendo, and as such, I find it offensive.
I'd take a nicer house over a nicer ring all day long.
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