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Hmmm.... I still say they need to compromise, even if the parents are paying and you say the cost isn't the issue... I would think the Mom would want to have some say in some areas but not all. I think if I were the Mom here, and cost wasn't an issue, unless my daughter specifically asked me for help, I'd step back and let her plan her dream wedding. That's just me though, i try not to be one of those overbearing moms who have to be involved in everything.
As a family they should be able to work together on this--generally parents when paying want more guests and more people invited so let them--but I would work on compromises on the food and venue--
They should be able to meet halfway on this if they sit down and discuss their ideas and visions for the wedding. The bride and groom should have a majority of the say in terms of what they want within the budget. The parents had their wedding day and shouldn't try to "relive" through their daughter.
This is now happening to a gal friend of mine. She's getting married October of 2010, and her folks are willing to follow the tradition of paying for the wedding (versus she and fiance paying for the wedding themselves, as that is becoming a trend these days). Now, in their minds, as long as her folks could afford it, she and the fiance should be able to dictate how many people to invite, where to have the wedding (and reception), what type of food to have, etc. Basically, she and fiance think that they should be able to have total control of their wedding, even w/ her folks paying for the entire gig (within the budget).
Well, I guess that's not what her folks have in mind. They are now starting to "exercise" control over their wedding, with the justification of "well, since we're paying for your wedding, we should be able to dictate how your wedding should be."
I wish I could tell her how to navigate this, because my husband and I went on to pay for our own wedding, so I really had no experience on how she can solve this issue of what she wants in her wedding vs. what her folks want for her wedding.
Any advice?
If it were my friend I would advise her to have a serious sit down with her parents and try to talk this out.
It's not completely unreasonable for her parents to want some say so in things, since they are coughing up what will likely be A LOT of money. BUT, to turn this into a battle of wills or fight for control would be so sad.
Tell her to make a list of her 3 most important "must haves" and see if she can get her parents to agree to them. Then, she should allow her parents to do the same.
The reality is, in a situation like this lots of compromise is called for
As a wedding photographer, I've run across this kind of problem a few times. The parents are offering to buy a gift (wedding), so they should be able to select the gift. If the bride and groom don't like what's being offered, they should refuse it and pay for their own wedding.
If you were the parents asking for advice, I'd suggest that you just write the check and be available to help with the wedding plans when asked, but that's not the case. The bride's parents are entitled to restrictions if that's what they want.
This reminds me of a wedding I shot a few years ago. The bride's parents were from wealthy families and had plenty of money to host the wedding event of the year. But there were restrictions: no alcohol at the wedding and no living together for the last month before the wedding. The bride was still in college, and the groom was too young to have a fat bank account.
Oh yeah, and the parents refused to even attend the wedding (let alone pay for it) unless the couple agreed to their demands. It saddened me. I knew the bride's grandfather quite well. If he'd still been alive, he'd have stepped in and straightened things out. A bride should be able to plan her wedding the way she wants it (within budget).
In this case they did compromise -- a lot. I think the bride moved back home for a month and they didn't serve alcohol until after the reception dinner. When the dinner was over, Mom and Dad left the reception, the bar was opened, a keg was tapped, and the party began.
My best advice for you... is to stay completely out of this mess. It doesn't matter if we think your friend wrong or even right. I've seen this situation go both ways in many families. Your gal friend might have been raised to be an indulged "princess" and that would ultimately be the fault of her parents who raised her.
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