Making friends with your new neighbors in Hawaii (Volcano, Leilani Estates: move, estates)

[1hotnspicy1]

With the water hose reply, I was really sad. Guess that kind of thing is funny internally?

But I realize now, after wading through the posts here, that my experience over this 48 hours is not unusual.

I'll stick with decent forums that have decent people and real advice.

If y'll didn't move to a place that made you this way, I'm sure it'll be no time until YOU make it this way!

[HiloDiver]

Well yah, there is a lot of negativity on this forum. BUT...

But your style of "friendliness" seems downright invasive to me...and I've lived in a variety of places throughout my life. Your set of expectations of others is totally unrealistic...anywhere, not just Hawai'i. I would not appreciate having someone so pushy for a neighbor. Instead of hating on the regulars who post here, perhaps you could reflect on what your definition of "friendliness" is. Neediness is not friendliness.

[HiloDiver]

And, to address the topic...

When we moved here, our neighbor gave us the "advice" that we should hug and kiss each new person we meet.

EWWWW!!!!!

Well, I'd actually be ok with that, if it really were the local custom...but I read others' body language very well and I didn't feel that most people would be receptive to such an invasive first greeting.

I told the neighbor that I'd gone to the local library and met some nice librarians and she admonished me, "you DID give them a big hug, right?" UH, negative on that, dear neighbor. I'm friendly, but I'm not a personal-space-invading creepazoid.

ANYWHERE (not just HI), want to make friends? Read body language. I always start with a big smile, and a wave and/or a hello/good morning/good afternoon and see where that leads. If someone is receptive to taking it further, it will be obvious. Expectations will sour a potential friendship from the get-go.

If you have to invade someone's privacy and knock on their door, the kind thing would be to say "I know you are busy, I just wanted to introduce myself" and then make a hasty goodbye, unless you perceive that they really want you hanging around. Giving them your phone number and/or e-mail in case of emergency is a friendly gesture.

Sometimes you don't actually want to be friends with your neighbors. All the moving around I've done, I've been friends with some neighbors (and still am) and not with others. The last two places where I lived, I had lots of friends who were not neighbors...and the neighbors were people I just didn't want to be forced to spend precious free time with.

Bottom line: it is very easy to make friends in a new city, but they may not necessarily be neighbors. Seek out people with like interests. Don't be the creepy weird neighbor!

[CyberCity]

Originally Posted by 1hotnspicy1

I'll stick with decent forums that have decent people and real advice.

Best of luck with your future research elsewhere.

[OpenD]

Originally Posted by 1hotnspicy1

OpenD, me think you're talking about a poverty striken area where fear is the king. You talk about "Hawaii" as though it's one of those Secondary High Schools, the place where troublemakers who may still have a chance go because no normal high school will take them.

You seem to have mistaken me with someone else.

I hope you're just painting a sad little picture for whatever reason. If that's the kind of place you live, you need to move immediately!

Yep, you've definitely got the wrong guy.

I've lived on Maui before for 8 years and we did stints on Oahu, so it's not like I'm new to the Islands.

But that wasn't the Big Island. It really is different here. Moreover, the Kona side is very different from the Puna side, and Pahoa is very different from Pahala. Just as there are vast differences between local microclimates on the island, there are also big differences between small community areas.

I happen to be located in an area that was historically Japanese. And even today people of Japanese descent are prominent in the community. I think that has shaped the culture here to what I earlier reported on as being the right approach for this area ... take your time, be friendly, be open, don't be pushy. And if you notice, a number of others chimed in with very similar sentiments. We're not talking through our hats. The approach you mentioned would definitely be weird for a lot of people here.

Originally Posted by 1hotnspicy1

When there's a 3 acre separation between neighbors there tends to be less community, for sure, maybe that's what you're experiencing.

Yes, clearly you are mistaking me for someone else. And PS, you're projecting a lot of other stuff that doesn't fit either. I'm a happy guy, not sad. And read my previous posts on the artist colony that Volcano is, and the restaurants and B&Bs here, and the marvelous cultural opportunities. The average adult educational level here is "some grad school." I like hanging out with smart people. But I'm entirely realistic about the weather here not appealing to everyone. It's about as unlike the tourist brochure view of white sandy beaches and palm trees as it gets. But it definitely works for me.

Originally Posted by 1hotnspicy1

And there's crappy people everywhere spewing crappy things in every hood.

Around my community they are mostly clustered in one small neighborhood, over on the edge of things, well away from the village... which unfortunately is exactly where that cute little house was located. It's the same hood where a very large drug bust was made a couple of years ago, and an explosives bust, and where a guy was badly knifed last year. Which is why those of us in the know give it a wide berth. But the rest of the village is delightful, and my neighbors are college professors and artists and professionals who commute in to Hilo, and scientists, and park rangers and I love it here.

Be friendly, be open, don't be pushy.

And I'll add a favorite line from Stephen Covey which seems to fit... "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

[mangodog]

Does anyone else agree with the sentiment of meeting and greeting "some" of one's new neighbors either just moving into a community or reaching out after one is settled to greet incoming ? I have come to learn so much from reaching out to others. (and I am not at all projecting being nosey or beligerent, or a nuisance in the quest.) Thank you in advance.

[HiloDiver]

Yes, certainly, a non-invasive friendly hello is nice, if you're careful with timing, don't try to strike up a convo when they are obviously busy, and don't knock on the door with the intent of a visit! My way has been to wait until the person is outside, not looking like they are in a hurry (i.e. not getting in the car to leave) and a friendly wave, hello, I see you've just moved here, my name is, welcome to the neighborhood! If they want to be friendly, they will answer in kind; if not, they won't be. Some people really just want to be left alone and that's ok. It's all about reading people. No one solution size fits all! As OD quotes, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

[oregonwoodsmoke]

Something is really bothering me. I've worried about it all night.

If someone expects their neighbors that they haven't even met yet to run over and move their heavy furniture and move their boxes, all for free, shouldn't that person, in turn, go over to their neighbor's house and wash the neighbor's car and do it for free? Instead of charging the neighbor to wash their own car?

[HiloDiver]

I'm sorry you got all sleepless over it, but I do think that expecting heavy work from a brand new neighbor is pretty awful!!!

Once a true friendship is established, it's nice to do such things for one another, and I've had many such neighbor relationships over the years, including spending holiday dinners with neighbors.

I would not want a new neighbor underfoot while I was moving in. Nor would I want them scoping out my possessions as I'm moving in. The whole idea is just too creepy.

[Serengeti]

I'm not sure why this is such a big deal...one has to treat each situation/circumstance on an individual basis....know when and when not to. Also, I understand the Islands is different from the Mainland, and certainly most would not want to be offensive, but to say leave that Mainland attitude in the mainland is certainly naive. People spent most of their lives there are not going to do a complete 180. I would hope they have some common sense to respect the culture of the Islands and not try to encroach/trespass on that; but, to completely drop their lifestyle, culture, and everything they know, is ridiculous. I've been to Hawai'i several times in my life, only once briefly on the BI, thanks to NCL, and would never do that, can't speak for other(that I'm sure will); but, I'm not going to not be me. The diversity is what has made things great and things bad; people has to be conscience of that....i think most people just see things their way, and totally ignore, or don't think to consider others.