Making friends with your new neighbors in Hawaii (club, moving)

[lanormun]

I would like to add that anywhere you live these days, people move away. Sure there are a few natives and some communities that still have a lot of extended family and such. However it just isn't the norm anywhere any more. In my neighborhood there are only three of us who have been here for the past 20 years. I have never hesitated to make friends with someone just because they might move, or even if I know their plan is to move. I feel my life is made richer by all the people I have known. Also, just because they move away does not mean the relationship has to end, some, stay friends no matter where they are. I don't buy the "they don't want to invest themselves and make friends with someone who might move away, excuse. Right next door I have had 5 different neighbors and I was friends with all of them, some closer than others, but I enjoyed knowing all of them.

[OpenD]

Originally Posted by lanormun

I don't buy the "they don't want to invest themselves and make friends with someone who might move away, excuse.

No disrespect meant, but this is the kind of goofy thing people do all the time here...

People who actually live in Hawai'i say how it is in Hawai'i, and then people who don't live in Hawai'i argue with them about how it is in Hawai'i.

Instead of arguing that it can't possibly be the way it is, based on not being here to see for yourself, I think it would probably be more productive to try to understand WHY it is the way it actually is .

For starters, the deep culture of the islands is more oriented around extended family (ohana) than anywhere else in the country. It's even written into several features of Hawai'i real estate law that you will not find elsewhere. It affects everything. Everything. And if you are a newcomer, you are not ohana. Sorry, that's just the way it is.

Second, there's also a long history of people moving to Hawai'i but not staying long. Lots of things confront people, from not being able to find a job, to the distance from friends and family, to not being able to reconcile the difference between their fantasies and reality, etc. The size of the cockroachs. Not being able to buy fresh blueberries whenever you want. All kinds of things. In any case, more than anywhere else I've ever lived, I've seen people move to Hawai'i and then unexpectedly turn around and leave rather suddenly after 6 months, a year, two years, for whatever reasons. As a result there is a widespread reticence to get too close to malahini until they've been around a couple of years and seem to be sticking around. Not that people aren't friendly... they are... but getting close tends to take time.

[lanormun]

sorry,
but I didn't say that isn't how it is there, just that I personally would not make that choice. Maybe saying I don't buy that excuse wasn't quite the right words. For better or possibly worse the world is changing. I understand that Hawai'i is unique, and I don't wish to take that away, its just sometimes this forum sounds very negative. Also, not that it is wrong mind you
but sometimes just because that is how it has always been doesn't mean it is the best way. I don't go around thinking Hawai'i is paradise either. As far as I can see it is like anywhere in that it has advantages and disadvantages each person should be realistic and weigh those things judiciously, ( which is why you won't hear me say I'm moving without enough money or resources just because I want to etc etc). I would hope, and I do believe, the people are friendly and not mean spirited. In addition, just because someone is not native (or skinny enough or rich enough or smart enough etc) doesn't mean they are "less than".

[CyberCity]

Originally Posted by lanormun

sorry, but I didn't say that isn't how it is there, just that I personally would not make that choice.

The reality is that you, as a newcomer, will be on the receiving end of the "slow to allow you into the ohana" concept.

Originally Posted by lanormun

I would hope, and I do believe, the people are friendly and not mean spirited.

It has nothing at all to do with folks being less than friendly, or being mean spirited. It is based upon the constant flow of people coming and going, thus a reluctance to put wholehearted effort into a strong bond with a newcomer until they've shown they will be around awhile.

Friendly, pleasant, fun ... that can come quickly and easily. But a close strong bond .... ohana feelings ... expect that to take time.

[1hotnspicy1]

What a mess those videos are; how hideous and embarrassing for both parties.

Eugene, is that his name? Something is really wrong with him.

But dude's still taping while his wife cries that she needs help. It looks like a contest.

We built our fence 3' in from each neighboring property line in the hope of avoiding this kind of thing.
They'd have to come onto our property to mess with our fence or us. 'fraid fer my life officer!

[whtviper1]

Ok, I'll say it, in the Hilo/Puna area, perhaps the frogs and roosters keeping everyone up all night, the drearyness/clouds, pouring rain, meth issues in the area, low pay and high costs, and depressed housing costs are factors in neighbors not so overtly friendly.....

[OpenD]

Talking to one of the village elders, Auntie says this "slow to allow you into the ohana" is nothing new, but has been going on a very long time.

Some of it traces back to native culture, she says, which is warm and welcoming but only up to a point; and some back to plantation days, when lots of temporary agricultural workers came in from Asia or Latin America, and then went back home at the end of a season. And the military personnel rotations and the same at the National Parks replicated that pattern. So it's pretty deeply ingrained in the culture that you don't know whether someone new to the islands is going to "stick," until they've been here a couple of years.

[mangodog]

It has been great candy for me to observe these writings ! ( It is all about location location location . )

[lanormun]

Sorry If any one felt offended. I do get the "why" it has been stated here many times. I am a nurse in behavioral health so I am practiced at seeing things from different perspectives. We are often times asking our patients (not that you all are patients) to step out of their comfort zone. Many times the way they have learned to cope can hinder them in life. I understand the uniqueness of Hawai'i being an island, its history and the large native population. I understand this is "how it is" but I would also say this happens in many areas to varying degrees. There are many towns that are seasonal and more than half the town vacates seasonally which can include the"wealthy lock and leaves' and a large part of the labor force. Believe it or not college towns deal with this a lot as well with a whole influx of (sometimes rowdy) college students and they have a huge impact on the locals. Landlords have to deal with the fact that they are a large part of their clients and they are not always responsible. Businesses have to balance needing more employees with the potential of training someone who will likely leave etc. Sometimes what I am also trying to say is that where Hawai'i may have a different twist on these issues which may make it not for a lot of people, you aren't all alone when it comes to some of these things. We have neighbors at the cabin you would swear were operating a junk yard with the number of not running cars and piles of junk. It is hard for me to understand this when they live in such a beautiful place where a person can get away from all that stuff.

[lanormun]

ps
I try to make friends with them anyway. It is not ethical however to make friends with my patients