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By the way, I know I sound argumentative - first I DON'T want to move her to Assisted Living, and then I DO want to move her to Assisted Living.
Actually, I don't want to yet but it's also not an option yet either due to the wait list. I was just trying to find some sort of way to be sure she takes her meds in the interim, and apparently that's a long shot. I thought she would take them, but after observing the differences today from the way she was a week ago when I KNOW she was taking them, I think she's simply not going to be compliant or cooperative. I don't know why I ever thought otherwise. Actually I didn't believe she'd be cooperative, I was just fantasizing about it.
I'm pretty down about her and her quality of life, and sad about the fact that we don't enjoy each other's company. I thought we did sometimes in the past, but now that I think about it, it was always when my dad was around, and he was sort of the moderator. I loved spending time with him - Mom was along for the ride if that makes sense. With Dad gone, Mom's bizarre behaviors, which he expressed frustration with but also sort of enabled and minimized, are front and center and there's no one there to help her navigate life except for me. And she doesn't even like me.
I didn't think you sounded argumentative. I understand what you mean -- and I also think that there are times when family members can't be as effective. Medication or anything of that ilk falls into that category. I think your mom will be MUCH more compliant taking her meds if someone of "authority" is there making her do it. Even if it's a layperson. If it's YOU asking her to take her meds, you're going to get either faking, or an argument about it.
It's just the way it works with family members overseeing things.
I know what you mean about worrying about quality of life as well. It is SO hard to try to do things to improve or entertain or lift their spirits but in the end it just seems futile because of all the complaints, the stubborness and unwillingness to change, the arguments, and so on.
I bet you would be able to enjoy her company more if someone else was doing the heavy lifting of overseeing her care. That's why there are always "golden children" -- the non-caregiving family members who breeze in and are all fresh and giving and a listening ear to the elderly one while we exhausted and drained caregivers have nothing left to give.
It sucks. But you know what Kathryn? You are doing an AMAZING job in a tough situation. I admire you for that.
Just talked to my bizarre mother who informed me that she is not and will not be taking her medicine. Ever.
Now I don't know what to do about this. I really don't. The waiting list for Assisted Living is months. I don't want to move her to a different facility. I am going to talk with them Tuesday where she's at - she seems OK with that place. I'd like to keep her there and just move her over but they've been pretty adamant about that waiting list.
This is so upsetting. She is SO much clearer and calmer on her meds! Now she's in a totally ridiculous state. Maybe she will have a complete breakdown and the decision on how to handle this will be taken out of my hands completely. Who knows?
Just a few minutes ago, I called and asked her if she had taken her meds tonight and she said brightly "Yes, I took my meds - I chewed them up with a cookie." I said, "Mom, they are time released - you're not supposed to chew them. Besides that, that would seem to taste awful and they're just tiny pills." "No, it wasn't so bad, but OK - I won't chew them anymore," she said, again brightly and cheerfully.
So then I said, "Mom, I know you were up all last night - which makes me think you're not taking your medications. You need to tell me the truth - Are you taking your meds?" There was a long pause and then she said, "I wish you would read up on these medications." I said, "MOM. I HAVE read up on them. All medications have potential side effects, but the good outweighs the possible risks, and you've been on these medications and done fine. You are so much better on them - you're not as confused, you sleep better, you eat better. "
She then got that haughty tone to her voice and said, "Well, you have your opinion and I have mine. I am not going to take the medications. I guess we will have to go our separate ways." Yeah, right. I said, "WE CAN'T GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS. We are in this together, Mom. You need my help. I can't believe you are saying all this and that once again you've been lying to me. You are the one always talking about being a team and being partners, but you're steadily lying to me. You're not being a team player." (No surprise there.)
She said, "I haven't lied to you." I said, "You just told me you chewed up your pills tonight with a cookie - but you didn't, did you? That's a lie, Mom." She said, "Oh, good grief," (still in that haughty tone), "I did not lie to you. That was a different time. That was a long time ago. I'm very tired. I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Off the chain.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 05-28-2017 at 07:47 PM..
Just talked to my bizarre mother who informed me that she is not and will not be taking her medicine. Ever.
That sucks.
Unfortunately, people have the right to do this, and it is the source of much distress and heartache for the families of those with mental illness.
When does she see her psychiatrist? Sounds like she needs to be seen pretty regularly. At least every 2-4 weeks until she is stable on meds. Maybe you can call ahead, and fill them in.
So.... you can't hire RN at the Assisted Living to does her meds while she is on the wait list? Mom could still refuse, but ....
Oh, and she was up pacing all last night, and her size 10 pants (she is 5'10" remember) are so loose on her that she doesn't even have to unbutton or unzip them to put them on. SO - today at church, she had her pants on backwards, and two different colors of socks on, and the tongues of her shoes were all twisted up and when I took her shoes off because she had to go to the bathroom to turn her pants around, she had these ridiculous cut up insole sort of things crammed down in her shoes as well. THAT'S why she's been complaining about her shoes hurting her feet!!!!!!!
She also had on a sweater and a jacket and then another jacket. Nothing matched. She looked like a bag lady. In backwards pants that had slipped down so that her underwear was all hanging out - hence the emergency trip to the bathroom to redress her, and hence the discovery of the weird shoe insole things.
I said, "Mom, this is really concerning me," and she just said mildly, "I'm doing the best that I can."
This is the person who just got haughty with me and told me that she is much better off her meds than on them and that we would just have to go our separate ways. Yep, that's my mom.
Unfortunately, people have the right to do this, and it is the source of much distress and heartache for the families of those with mental illness.
When does she see her psychiatrist? Sounds like she needs to be seen pretty regularly. At least every 2-4 weeks until she is stable on meds. Maybe you can call ahead, and fill them in.
So.... you can't hire RN at the Assisted Living to does her meds while she is on the wait list? Mom could still refuse, but ....
I can hire an attendant but my mom will not take the meds, I'm pretty sure. So it would be money thrown down a hole - and very expensive for that matter. It would cost around $1500 a month just for an CNA to do this - and then they can't even touch the meds or make my mom take them. All they can do is pour them into her hand and "encourage her" to take them. Which means that she will just hide them in her mouth, pretend to swallow and then spit them out as soon as they leave.
RNs will not even go out there without doctor's orders. For love or money. And I'm sure that if we did manage to get a doctor's orders for an RN, it would be a LOT more than $1500 a month. Assisted living is $800 a month more and an RN on staff gives them their meds.
Maybe I can work something out with the facility so that the RN comes and gives her the meds till an apartment in assisted living opens up. There's an RN on staff just down the freaking hall!!!!!!
The thing about assisted living is this - if she doesn't take her meds, they are at least set up to deal with her other symptoms.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 05-28-2017 at 08:18 PM..
Spend her money on the assistant. This is driving you crazy with worry. And who knows she might cooperate.
The assistant cannot give her the meds! It has to be an RN. That's my frustration!!!!!! And RNs won't go out there without it being ordered by the doctor. And the doctor won't order it because it won't be "approved" by insurance - but I don't care about insurance. But they do.
She's doing this to test how far you'll go on your threat (which you should stand on). If the facility can't intervene, then that $1500/mo is a cost your mom should be eating up until a room opens up for her. Too bad if she has to sacrifice every other little thing she likes about where she is now.
She's doing this to test how far you'll go on your threat (which you should stand on). If the facility can't intervene, then that $1500/mo is a cost your mom should be eating up until a room opens up for her. Too bad if she has to sacrifice every other little thing she likes about where she is now.
$1500 a month DOES NOT BUY MED ADMINISTRATION though (sorry, not yelling at you, just yelling in general). All it buys is a CNA who will "encourage" her to take the meds. They won't even TOUCH the meds.
I am going to see if we can work something out with the RN on staff over on "the other side" till she can get into assisted living. If they won't work with us then I am going to check into other facilities.
They won't be as nice and she won't be able to bring her cat, and I can only imagine the show down at the hoe down trying to pry her out of the current apartment and facility but honestly I think they are going to tell me she can't stay in independent living in the state she's in. They have a waiting list so it's no skin off their nose.
What a mess.
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