Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I am glad you are seeing a counselor. I think that is a mature thing to do at this point.
I also think you need to take a salary for the hours you are putting in on your dad's estate. It is not fair that you are doing this gratis, when it has proven to be so complex. I do think you need to get your sibs to agree about this up front though. Or, you could notify them that you are doing so. I think your state probably allows someone to do this, but you could check with your attorney first.
While you are working so hard on your dad's estate, let your mom alone for a few days. She can probably get along without you for a short period of time. She also needs to make friends at her new home.
I hope you can get through the estate stuff in shorter order than you imagine, and that you achieve equilibrium soon. God bless.
In through your nose, out through your mouth. Again.
Sit with your hands by your side and turn your palms upwards.
Say......"I am here with myself now." slowly. repeat until you feel some calm.
File an extension for your own taxes too lol!!!!
Pay professionals for whatever you can. It sounds like this estate is well over whatever is needed to cover your mom's expenses for life as well as leave you and your brothers a healthy inheritance. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish. Let the professionals deal with it. Ask only of them to give you a plan to simplify/consolidate all the assets so you don't have this continued stress in years going forward.
You can do this. This too shall pass. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth!
In through your nose, out through your mouth. Again.
Sit with your hands by your side and turn your palms upwards.
Say......"I am here with myself now." slowly. repeat until you feel some calm.
File an extension for your own taxes too lol!!!!
Pay professionals for whatever you can. It sounds like this estate is well over whatever is needed to cover your mom's expenses for life as well as leave you and your brothers a healthy inheritance. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish. Let the professionals deal with it. Ask only of them to give you a plan to simplify/consolidate all the assets so you don't have this continued stress in years going forward.
You can do this. This too shall pass. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth!
Just wanted to add that I am letting the professionals - CPAs, estate attorneys, financial advisors, etc - handle stuff but because there it is a large and complex estate, they want a lot of information from me. Also, it's just things like bills that come in constantly - quarterly IRS stuff, utilities, property taxes, changes in insurance coverage, medical stuff, yada yada yada - every day there's something else new and unexpected and strange in the mail it seems.
So even with professionals handling a lot of it, I still find myself working on stuff at least a couple of hours a day - and this was BEFORE tax season. I have to say, I'm not one to just load everything up in a shoebox and take it to the CPA - with my own stuff or anyone elses - and I also just don't know where all this information is. I'm sure it's in my dad's stuff - but the thing is, there's a LOT of stuff. I have to go through it all and gather info and it just seems overwhelming sometimes.
Just wanted to add that I am letting the professionals - CPAs, estate attorneys, financial advisors, etc - handle stuff but because there it is a large and complex estate, they want a lot of information from me. Also, it's just things like bills that come in constantly - quarterly IRS stuff, utilities, property taxes, changes in insurance coverage, medical stuff, yada yada yada - every day there's something else new and unexpected and strange in the mail it seems.
So even with professionals handling a lot of it, I still find myself working on stuff at least a couple of hours a day - and this was BEFORE tax season. I have to say, I'm not one to just load everything up in a shoebox and take it to the CPA - with my own stuff or anyone elses - and I also just don't know where all this information is. I'm sure it's in my dad's stuff - but the thing is, there's a LOT of stuff. I have to go through it all and gather info and it just seems overwhelming sometimes.
I'm sure I'll get through it though.
As, I said earlier, if YOU were not there. If YOU were not doing all this work, it would still get done. They would hire someone to go through your dad's files, or they would contact the companies, banks, etc. to get copies of the documents.
It isn't like many people who are forced to do the "grunt work" to save a couple of hundred dollars.
When my widowed best friend passed away and her children were still minors, everything and I mean everything was done by professionals. All the mail was forwarded to the attorneys handling the estate. They even sent a letter notifying people of her death along with returning the Christmas cards that they sent her (her death was unexpected and many friends were not notified at the time). Of course, it is different because your mom is still alive, but IMHO, you should be able to delegate more things to other people.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-05-2017 at 08:16 AM..
I just got off the phone with my dad's CPA. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear for about two years now and just let the estate fall apart if it has to. OMG. What a TON of paperwork - and not my paperwork - I have to go through and get to them! Business AND personal. And they sold property. And they own property in two states. And there are two businesses. She said, "Oh, it's not a big deal - we just need (and then she rattled off a list of things that made me want to cry because WHERE IS ALL THIS STUFF - AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DIS!!!!!)..."
I also talked with the estate attorney and that is a whole other big bunch of mess. I have an appointment with him Friday and he will need copies of everything. Everything in the world, apparently. Every scrap of paper ever manufactured since 1937.
Now keep in mind that my husband and I also own a small business and have our own personal and business taxes to get ready, and that's usually what keeps me pretty busy this time of year. Add my mother, her ongoing needs, her property, my dad's estate, and their taxes to this mix.
So...that's it. I am officially overwhelmed. So I added one more appointment to my mix and made an appointment with a family counselor. I told her, "I am overwhelmed - so overwhelmed that I don't want to do anything. What happens if someone just doesn't DO ANYTHING? Oh, that's right - all hell breaks loose. I need help. My husband wants me to get help. I DON'T WANT TO DO ALL OF THIS STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If there is adequate money in the estate to do it, could you just haul all the stuff down to whoever does that kind of stuff, pay them, and let them handle this? Could you tolerate it maybe not being done to quite the same high standards as your own would have been? I think as executor you have the right to do this.
Just wanted to add that I am letting the professionals - CPAs, estate attorneys, financial advisors, etc - handle stuff but because there it is a large and complex estate, they want a lot of information from me. Also, it's just things like bills that come in constantly - quarterly IRS stuff, utilities, property taxes, changes in insurance coverage, medical stuff, yada yada yada - every day there's something else new and unexpected and strange in the mail it seems.
So even with professionals handling a lot of it, I still find myself working on stuff at least a couple of hours a day - and this was BEFORE tax season. I have to say, I'm not one to just load everything up in a shoebox and take it to the CPA - with my own stuff or anyone elses - and I also just don't know where all this information is. I'm sure it's in my dad's stuff - but the thing is, there's a LOT of stuff. I have to go through it all and gather info and it just seems overwhelming sometimes.
I'm sure I'll get through it though.
I'm sure your father's files made sense to him, but it can be tough to work with other peoples files.
It might be easier if you start rearranging them to make sense to you and what needs to be done sooner rather than later.
His check register and all his tax returns for last year should give you a checklist of all the bills to be paid and or documents/info required for this years taxes. Maybe you can automate some of the bill payments and make a calendar for the other stuff that's not regular.
There will still be oddball/stray stuff, but at least this way most stuff coming in will be expected and not a surprise.
Once you pull all that stuff out, then you can start going through the rest a file at a time and decide how to set it up in a way that makes sense to you. You may find a lot of it can be tossed as you go.
For example, if there are twelve monthly stmts and all of the relevant stuff is on the final month or year-end summary, toss the others. Years worth of statements related to stocks? The basis for all of it for determining taxable gain/loss, becomes the share price on the date of death. The old statements are worthless other than as a curiosity or as back up to tax returns that could still be subject to audit. Even then there are probably 1099's in the tax files to cover that. All medical/health insurance can be tossed except current year or again if it backs up a medical itemized deduction. It wouldn't surprise me if you can get rid of a third or more of the files a couple at a time.
I think reframing this mentally would also help. Recognize and take ownership that you are choosing to do this yourself. In effect, you are going back to work part time lol! So just do it and recognize that you will be doing it a couple hours a day until you finish. Also, recognize you have a fallback plan if it becomes too overwhelming, you can call Two Guys and a Truck and have the files delivered to a CPA to finish it.
First, before everything, you need time to grieve for your Dad.
You are more than capable of dealing with all the tasks once you emotionally are in a good spot. See the counselor. Get daily exercise.
Then once you feel more like yourself, schedule your days as though you were billable. Have definite not to exceed hours for day/M-Fweek & have definite telephone availability for your Mom complete with only one day available to run any if ger errands/Dr etc. If you are going be available after 5PM to receive calls from her, then subtract an hour or two out of daily 8-5... Right now you are ON every minute you are not sleeping. That is absurd.
I have many responsibilities each day/week. Maybe this would work for you. My method is to use lists. Each day I make a list of tasks I know need done while I drink coffee. Then I number each by priority at that moment.
Once I write it down I mentally let it go until it's number comes up.
Many days the bottom priorities get written on to next day's list. That is ok.
I find actually writing by hand with pen& paper & crossing off done items is part of process that works for me...my digital lists are just for my calendar but seem to not have impact for me. When I am on a certain task, that is my only focus--- calls, emails texts are only responded to during assigned times each day..I do that after 1PM, so it does not intrude upon my daily top priorities. There is nothing but 5 alarm emergency that can not wait several hours. Otherwise I can get into tail wagging dog territory fast.
Glad you are seeing a counselor, glad you told the accountants to file extensions. I have thought about your husband. He must have the patience of a saint! Hopefully, you two will be able to reconnect and get some "down time" together.
I agree that you should be paid for your work. When my Mom died, my sister and BIL did a much larger share of some of the estate work, including dealing with the paperwork and the lawyer. We (my other siblings and I) paid them for their work. It was only fair.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
