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I sense that things are going to get harder for you sooner rather than later, and that these memory and behavioral issues are going to cause a lot of conflict and stress between you and your Mom. That may never end.
I strongly encourage you to transition her to Assisted living.
It is a miracle that you have transitioned her so smoothly to an apartment in a community that has the option of aging in place. Well done. But someone who cannot keep up the day, or the time of day, or read a calendar, and is sleeping during the day, getting up odd hours at night.... is going to make a mistake with medications. No two ways about it. And she is on serious medications where a mistake could have dangerous repercussions. A double dose of any of those neuro meds and she could become sedated/confused/have a seizure etc... and then have a fall. And you know what that means....
Wouldn't it be better for her to have someone in addition to you, look in on her regularly, and keep her on track? For example, ?every morning to help orient her and to make sure she takes her meds? To peak in mid day to remind her it is a good time to grab a lunch etc..? Whatever you need?
When someone else is also reminding her that today is Saturday, no church today.... then you can save your Mom calls for other topics. It might actually improve the relationship with your Mom to allow you to even be a daughter a little.....
It also takes a lot of practice, but it is helpful to avoid the conversations about reality that only cause conflict and heartache. If you sense this is a transition point, and there is something specific you are hoping for from the upcoming doctor's appointment, then I recommend you contact the doctor's office before the appointment so the doctor can be updated privately. This is particularly important if you think your Mom will just explode/deny during the appointment. With you warning the doctor of her issues, you can ask if he/she can "prescribe" the "treatment" that she needs during the appointment.
For example, after talking with your Mom, he can write a prescription (on a piece of paper/prescription pad) for "one shower per week, with assistance". Or even what to use to wash her hair! Or "medication assistance" etc... You can talk with the doctor about what might be helpful. And then you can have the assisted living folks assist with "filling the prescription". Then you have that paper prescription, that you tape to the refrigerator (and make a copy in case she throws it out) and you can point to it as needed. "The doctor asked for this." By deferring to the doctor, you take the responsibility off you. YOU aren't telling her what to do.... the doctor is.
I realize assisted living is very, very, very expensive. And even with assisted living help, you still need to watch them like a hawk. But it really is time for them to be involved. $400?? $4000? Who cares! You mother is very wealthy. If $400 a month guarantees that your mother takes her meds every day without you having to ask, it is a bargain and money well spent. If $200 a month means that she will get one shower a week, another bargain. Actually, she doesn't need help in the shower, just the judging to take a shower, and a nudge from an outsider is better than from you.
Nurses/therapists/care workers will be able to nudge your mother to do many things that you would not be successful with. They can be more experienced with dementia/behavioral issues, and don't have a loaded history that every child has with their Mom that turns are request into .... a war. And of course, your history has been more colorful than most.... unfortunately.
I really have to say, I truly feel for your mother. She grew up in a very difficult environment with so much mental illness, and has such illness herself. No one who hasn't grown up in a family like this can understand what a profound effect this has. Honestly, it is incredible that she has remained functioning for this long in her life.
I also truly feel for you. It is amazing, and a testament to your strength and resilience, that you have accomplished so much in your life and have a strong marriage. And that you haven't gone postal on your Mom already.
Lots of good advice here.
I am going to email her doctor prior to her appointment next week and give him a heads' up.
I am going to ask him if the Aricept is even doing any good and if it's questionable, get her off it. Then she will only be on Seroquel. And she is on a low dose of that. The other pills are vitamins.
It is the strangest thing but every time I check her med case, which is several times a week, she is taking her meds at about a 90 percent accuracy level. I am keeping an eagle eye on that.
I may be able to hire someone to come in and give her the meds once a day. The only bad thing about that is that she is supposed to take the Seroquel at night because it helps her sleep. So they would have to come in at night. She is NOT going to like that!
She will also be very, very resistant to Assisted Living. Extremely so. It's in the same facility. As I've stated a lot on this thread, there's a very fine line at this place between assisted and independent living. The only difference for my mom would be that someone would give her meds and remind her about meals - because she doesn't need help bathing or dressing. Nor would she accept it from ANYONE. I checked with the facility -she rarely misses a meal and when she does, she eats at the cafe. Like I said, she has gained some weight.
So it's just the meds. And so far so good on that.
I am going to talk with the facility about hiring someone to give her the meds once a day, though that is not even an issue at the present time.
She seems to be about 12 hours off, not a whole day off, which is also weird.
Also she does have people coming in and checking on her, and she also checks in with the staff a lot. She is out and about a LOT according to the staff (in the facility, of course). When I spoke with them just the other day, they said they thought she was still doing fine in "independent" living. Like I said, it's not truly "independent" like many facilities truly are.
I don't know. Moving her would be HORRIBLE. She would be FURIOUS. Combative, Totally ticked off. I'm trying to avoid the ultimate showdown right on the heels of my dad's death.
But I have cut down on my in person visits - to two times a week, not four. I also think she's pretty put out about that.
She's mad and unhappy and depressed right now and that is definitely something I am going to give her doc a heads' up on.
Kathryn, it's possible that your mother is showing signs of dementia. It's better not to argue about things as that happens. It upsets them and you both. There is a book called Contented Dementia that was recommended by another poster. I read it although it never totally applied to my Mom. But it was useful for me to get the no arguing idea. Have a look at it. I could even send it to you if you want because my time for caregiving is over.
My mom does have some dementia - vascular dementia from a stroke she had ten years ago. It's not relentlessly progressive like Alzheimer's but it's a challenge. It's also less predictable than Alzheimer's. But it's definitely something that complicates our situation.
Does your Mom seem to be participating in any organized activities that give her some exercise or burn up some time? It sounds like she is relying mostly on you for social. Perhaps she will seek something to do, if you are visiting 2 times instead of 4. I hope you can find a balance that works better for you.
I do think you should always immediately leave or cut off the call, when she is in ANY way derogatory. She obviously knows she is doing it. What a mean old bat.
That's great you can email the doc. Keep it concise, with bullet points/goals.
Yes, if she has to physically move to get into Assisted Living, that can be traumatic. I wasn't sure if this would be necessary. Sometimes it isn't.
But if/when the doctor prescribes it..... there it is.
Honestly, I have decided that if my father ever needs to be transitioned to a facility like your Mom's, I will have him in an Independent Living apartment, and will hire caregivers separately... around the clock if needed. An excellent Elder Care attorney advised me that this was the best combination, if possible, and much preferred to a nursing home for quality care. But the cost....
Does your Mom seem to be participating in any organized activities that give her some exercise or burn up some time? It sounds like she is relying mostly on you for social. Perhaps she will seek something to do, if you are visiting 2 times instead of 4. I hope you can find a balance that works better for you.
I do think you should always immediately leave or cut off the call, when she is in ANY way derogatory. She obviously knows she is doing it. What a mean old bat.
That's one reason why I quit going every other day - because she was relying ONLY on me for entertainment, just as she did my dad. There are tons of activities she can join in at her facility, at various levels of involvement. Plus she has her group therapy three days a week, but she's been skipping out on that - intentionally. Well, she needs to go back to that if she's getting bored.
You should have seen the petulant look on her face when my husband told her the other day that she was lucky to have me because I'm doing so much for her. He didn't say it in a haughty way either, just a sort of aside comment. Nothing from her but a petulant, obstinate look.
I can't do enough for her.
I think she's depressed in general, and taking her anger and frustration out on me.
God, what is wrong with all these people who get all sideways and lash out at the ONE person who is actually doing something productive and proactive about this whole situation? I am so tired of it.
Seems like the way she is wired you will never measure up. Horrible, hurtful, & unfair as it is. It is. You will never get an acknowledgement from her.
You are taking care of her & her affairs because that is how you are wired.
You are an excellent generous person. You have taken care of things in an admirable manner. You have exercised good judgment & incredible patience. I can not commend you enough.
It would be great if she could get some enjoyment out of activities. Without having you around to focus on might be all it takes. I hope that is the case.
Meanwhile, go do something enjoyable or absolutely nothing at all!
Is your mother really aware that your father has died? Has she done any grieving? Or is she in denial about it?
I remember one night my mother called me from her ALF. She was all upset and worried because my father had promised to visit her at 1:00 and he still hadn't arrived. She was certain something terrible had happened to him. Or that he had met a woman and run off. She went on and on with me trying to reassure her that he was fine. Finally, I lost it and told her he had been dead for 4 years. She became very upset, as if she had never heard that before and had had no idea about it, and began crying. Of course she knew he had died. She was with him when he died. I had to call her ALF and ask for someone to go check on her and try to calm her down. After that I tried very very hard never to argue with or correct her. When she was in the hospital being diagnosed with cancer, she told me all about how her mother had come to spend that day with her and they went shopping. Her mother had died decades before. I did not try to correct her because it seemed to bring her some peace.
You have such a long history with your difficult mother, it might be really hard to shift your behavior so drastically. But if you try to stop arguing with or correcting her, even if she happens to be faking it to pull your chain, your stress level might decrease.
Seems like the way she is wired you will never measure up. Horrible, hurtful, & unfair as it is. It is. You will never get an acknowledgement from her.
You are taking care of her & her affairs because that is how you are wired.
You are an excellent generous person. You have taken care of things in an admirable manner. You have exercised good judgment & incredible patience. I can not commend you enough.
It would be great if she could get some enjoyment out of activities. Without having you around to focus on might be all it takes. I hope that is the case.
Meanwhile, go do something enjoyable or absolutely nothing at all!
I have been enjoying the heck out of myself today doing NOTHING and my husband and I are going to go see a movie in a little bit. YEAH.
Thank you by the way. I AM wired together to be dutiful and do what I think I'm supposed to do. I promised my dad I would take care of my mother, and I'm going to do it. But I'm not willing to wreck my peace of mind or my life to do it, which is why I told him (and her too) that they needed to be sure she was provided for well because she will never live in my house, and I mean it.
I've been feeling sorry for her because of her health issues and the loss of her husband, but none of that gives her the right to be rude or mean to me, so I'm drawing the line there.
It's not dementia that's causing that - she's always been that way. It's just more of the same, WITHOUT my dad around to rein her in or shame her.
Is your mother really aware that your father has died? Has she done any grieving? Or is she in denial about it?
I remember one night my mother called me from her ALF. She was all upset and worried because my father had promised to visit her at 1:00 and he still hadn't arrived. She was certain something terrible had happened to him. Or that he had met a woman and run off. She went on and on with me trying to reassure her that he was fine. Finally, I lost it and told her he had been dead for 4 years. She became very upset, as if she had never heard that before and had had no idea about it, and began crying. Of course she knew he had died. She was with him when he died. I had to call her ALF and ask for someone to go check on her and try to calm her down. After that I tried very very hard never to argue with or correct her. When she was in the hospital being diagnosed with cancer, she told me all about how her mother had come to spend that day with her and they went shopping. Her mother had died decades before. I did not try to correct her because it seemed to bring her some peace.
You have such a long history with your difficult mother, it might be really hard to shift your behavior so drastically. But if you try to stop arguing with or correcting her, even if she happens to be faking it to pull your chain, your stress level might decrease.
Oh my mom is not NEARLY that impaired - her dementia is very spotty and random in fact. She is very aware that my dad has died. She's very aware that she's in a new apartment because of that, her living situation, her finances, etc.
She could sit and debate philosophy with you right now. She could get online and order from Amazon. She can write decent poetry. She can carry on a conversation about all sorts of things. She remembers everyone's name and nearly everyone's birthdays in the family.
My MIL who had Alzheimer's WAS this impaired and I don't think she ever knew her husband had died (a couple of months before she died). So I know this happens but it's not what's going on with my mom. She is very aware of it and talks about missing him.
I think she's depressed. He was her lifeline and did everything for her. She didn't mind it too much when he would "correct" her grooming, or a mistake about time or dates or whatever. I mean, she would argue with him some but she wouldn't get mean or spiteful like she does with me.
For instance, he could tell her that she has some long chin hair bidness going on and she'd just run to the bathroom and pluck them. But I hate to think how she'd react if I told her she had long chin hairs going on. First of all, she'd deny it. Then she'd accuse me of exaggerating. Then she'd insult me in some way such as, "Well, no one is perfect, Miss Priss. You're too fat." Then she'd go pluck them after I was gone.
Up until about two weeks before she died, my mother could discuss books, politics, etc. etc. with me. However, every once in a while there would be one of those episodes of strangeness. Most of the time she was well aware that my father had died. When she went to the doctor, he never noticed any of the weirdness.
But whatever is going on with your mother, I think you might feel better if you could just ignore it. Pretend it's normal that she gets dressed for church 15 hours ahead of time, or goes out without a shoe. Ignore the chin hairs. Don't even raise an issue. If it gets worse, then the place where she lives will take note of it.
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