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Oh my gosh, she's really worrying me. Not that this is actually anything that can HURT her or others, but wow.
I called her this morning and here was the conversation:
I said, "So what's up with you today?" She said, "Oh, I'm just sitting here waiting to go to church." I said, "Mom, it's Saturday - you aren't going to church till tomorrow." IMMEDIATELY she gets very irate. "Of COURSE I know it's Saturday and I can't go to church on Saturday. I'm just sitting here waiting to go to church." I said - in a nice tone (I kept my tone soft and pleasant the entire time), "Mom, I am getting a little concerned because it seems to me you're having a difficult time lately keeping up with what day it is." There was a long silence and then she said, "Well, maybe a little bit." (This is every single day and verified by the staff.)
I said, "Well, that's something we probably need to ask your doctor about next week but let's think this through. You seem to be doing a great job of taking your medications that are in your pill box, and the day is clearly marked on each section, so that seems to work for you. Also, you have your talking watch that says what day it is. Let's think through how we can help you keep track through the day." (I know already that she cannot read a calendar - calendars completely confuse her.)
She said then, in a very condescending tone, "Kathryn, what we have here is you exaggerating a problem. I know I can't go to church on Saturday. So I'm just waiting to go to church." I said, "Mom, church is tomorrow - do you mean that you are waiting for the next 24 hours or what?" Long silence.
I said, "I'm just trying to come up with a way to help you keep up with the time. I think you're taking cat naps during the day and that's throwing you off. I'm just trying to figure out how to help you keep on track."
She immediately said, "I am NOT sleeping DURING THE DAY. YOU ARE EXAGGERATING AND THIS CONVERSATION IS A WASTE OF TIME."
OK, I know she is sleeping off and on throughout the day - in fact, the other day after I called and said we'd be by in about an hour, when we got there, she was asleep on the sofa and was totally confused about time and date when we woke her up. But she denied it then, even though she literally told me that she did not believe me when I said that the bus was coming by to take her to her appointment in fifteen hours - not fifteen minutes.
Sigh.
So I said, "Well, we can agree on one thing for sure - this conversation IS a waste of time. Talk with you later."
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
She was like this with my dad. She would simply not believe him when he said "But today is Wednesday, not Thursday." She falls asleep off and on during the day - often actually getting into her PJs and into bed - and then she wakes up a few hours later and thinks it's the next day. And when you try to tell her there's no need to get dressed for church on Saturday, she acts like YOU are the idiot and of COURSE she's not dressed for church - except that she is and she thought it was Sunday. Which she then denies - but she doesn't actually believe you - she thinks it really is Sunday and for some reason whoever is telling her otherwise is trying to mess with her mind. I am for real.
Thank God she can't drive and she doesn't show any inclination toward trying to leave the facility. She doesn't make strange phone calls to me anymore at 3 am because I block her calls at night.
I talked with the staff about this and they told me 1) It's common. 2) She's not harmful to herself or others. 3) Since the cafe is open 24/7, even if she misses a meal in the cafeteria she is not actually missing out on any food, and they verified that she is eating regularly and often. In fact, she's gained a little weight, which is good.
As hard as it is, I am just not going to continue to correct her, I don't think. She doesn't believe me anyway. For some weird reason, she is able to keep up with her meds schedule even if she isn't keeping up with anything else - now THAT is REALLY weird but it's the truth. (She only takes prescription meds once a day - the other dose is vitamins.)
She only gets hostile when I try to steer her back to whatever day and schedule it REALLY is. So I guess I'd rather her sit in her apartment waiting for 15 hours than fight with her. It's not like she can actually GET anywhere on the wrong day. And I am picking her up for actual doctor appointments so she's not missing those. But it breaks my heart to think of her waiting, in the dark (she rarely turns on her lamps), dressed up and wondering what's taking so long, wondering what day it is, what time it is. It's so sad.
Oh well.
She's just so snarky and defensive. She always has been but now she's worse than ever. I want to be able to help her but I'm realizing that while I can help her with the logistics of her life - her safety, her doctor appointments, her nutrition, etc - I cannot ever make her happy or help her get along better with others. What a shame for her life to come to this lonely, confused state.
Your mom is in dementia. I had similar conversations with my mom. You can't win. They will never admit they are wrong, because they have dementia.
I think you are right in thinking that you should not correct her. It will not do any good. I know this because of many pointless verbal wrangles I got into with my mom. You cannot win an argument with a demented person. You cannot get him or her to take ownership if any problem. They can't do it. This is why a demented person needs care.
I remember trying so hard to get my mom to understand that if she put her pills in a daily pill counter, she could track if she had taken them or not. (She was forgetting to take meds at that point, early in her dementia journey.) We got her to sort of understand. And then I went home, and she completely forgot.
We caregivers have to accept that they will not cooperate, will not own up to any problems, will not stop being defensive. If I had accepted these facts earlier on, our relationship would have been a lot smoother.
Your mom is in dementia. I had similar conversations with my mom. You can't win. They will never admit they are wrong, because they have dementia.
I think you are right in thinking that you should not correct her. It will not do any good. I know this because of many pointless verbal wrangles I got into with my mom. You cannot win an argument with a demented person. You cannot get him or her to take ownership if any problem. They can't do it. This is why a demented person needs care.
I remember trying so hard to get my mom to understand that if she put her pills in a daily pill counter, she could track if she had taken them or not. (She was forgetting to take meds at that point, early in her dementia journey.) We got her to sort of understand. And then I went home, and she completely forgot.
We caregivers have to accept that they will not cooperate, will not own up to any problems, will not stop being defensive. If I had accepted these facts earlier on, our relationship would have been a lot smoother.
Yes, I totally agree.
I am done trying to reason with her.
I think she's really mad right now. Besides the fact that she's lost her life partner, she's lost her enabler. She's lost her entertainment. She's lost the person who always told her how beautiful she is, how great she looks, etc.
I tell her that when I see her, but she makes it very clear that she doesn't believe me. She doesn't want me, she wants my dad. And he's gone and she knows it.
I feel like saying, "We both miss him, Mom. And you're frustrated that he left you with me - and I'm frustrated that he left you with me too. So there you have it." But of course I can't say that to her.
So I'm going to go the vague, friendly, limited route. She's going to have to figure out how to entertain herself. She's in the perfect place for it but it's going to involve actually doing something rather than having everything done for her. So the odds of success are small.
That's one reason why I quit going every other day - because she was relying ONLY on me for entertainment, just as she did my dad. There are tons of activities she can join in at her facility, at various levels of involvement. Plus she has her group therapy three days a week, but she's been skipping out on that - intentionally. Well, she needs to go back to that if she's getting bored.
You should have seen the petulant look on her face when my husband told her the other day that she was lucky to have me because I'm doing so much for her. He didn't say it in a haughty way either, just a sort of aside comment. Nothing from her but a petulant, obstinate look.
I can't do enough for her.
I think she's depressed in general, and taking her anger and frustration out on me.
God, what is wrong with all these people who get all sideways and lash out at the ONE person who is actually doing something productive and proactive about this whole situation? I am so tired of it.
Who else can they lash out at? No one else would put up with them for a minute but family has to.
>>>Then she'd accuse me of exaggerating. Then she'd insult me in some way such as, "Well, no one is perfect, Miss Priss. You're too fat." Then she'd go pluck them after I was gone.<<<
It almost sounds like she's in some kind of competition with you. She has to be right with you. She doesn't want to admit to not wearing her shoe on a walk, or not knowing what day it is, if you are there. If she admits any of those things, then in her mind, you have 'won' and she has lost. Bizarre but she's far from the only parent who does that. I've never understood how people could compete with their own children, but they do.
>>>Then she'd accuse me of exaggerating. Then she'd insult me in some way such as, "Well, no one is perfect, Miss Priss. You're too fat." Then she'd go pluck them after I was gone.<<<
It almost sounds like she's in some kind of competition with you. She has to be right with you. She doesn't want to admit to not wearing her shoe on a walk, or not knowing what day it is, if you are there. If she admits any of those things, then in her mind, you have 'won' and she has lost. Bizarre but she's far from the only parent who does that. I've never understood how people could compete with their own children, but they do.
This exactly.
I remember when I was a kid and we were visiting some family and my mom said something bizarre to me. I walked into the next room and my sweet as peaches aunt from New Orleans was in there and said, "Awwww, honey, what's wrong?" I said, "I don't know...my mom just jumped all over me." My aunt had heard the whole thing anyway. She pulled me to her side and hugged me and said the ONLY negative thing I ever heard her say about anyone. She said, "Honey, you gotta know this. Your mama is jealous of you. Don't let it get to you."
I think she's really mad right now. Besides the fact that she's lost her life partner, she's lost her enabler. She's lost her entertainment. She's lost the person who always told her how beautiful she is, how great she looks, etc.
I tell her that when I see her, but she makes it very clear that she doesn't believe me. She doesn't want me, she wants my dad. And he's gone and she knows it.
I feel like saying, "We both miss him, Mom. And you're frustrated that he left you with me - and I'm frustrated that he left you with me too. So there you have it." But of course I can't say that to her.
So I'm going to go the vague, friendly, limited route. She's going to have to figure out how to entertain herself. She's in the perfect place for it but it's going to involve actually doing something rather than having everything done for her. So the odds of success are small.
Sad situation.
I know this is how my mother feels, she always says her biggest cheerleader is gone and I am a poor substitute for my Dad.
KA, I think if you leave her to cope in her facility, she will eventually cope.
If you reduce your visits she might actually be glad to see you when you come. Or, conversely she might become so dependent on new friends in the residence, she might not.
You've done the best you can. She is being taken care of and she is getting her daily meds. So, she is safe and secure. The rest is up to her. She might never change much, or she might change. You never know.
KA, I think if you leave her to cope in her facility, she will eventually cope.
If you reduce your visits she might actually be glad to see you when you come. Or, conversely she might become so dependent on new friends in the residence, she might not.
You've done the best you can. She is being taken care of and she is getting her daily meds. So, she is safe and secure. The rest is up to her. She might never change much, or she might change. You never know.
Her dementia is here to stay, however.
Yes, I totally agree.
My husband and I had another unpleasant Sunday with her. Church with her sitting all up in my personal space, with her very weird smell. Then lunch where we watched her act strangely at the Chinese buffet, and then disappear into the bathroom for what seemed like 15 minutes (I refused to go back in there looking for her), and then we did a little shopping, and she kept adding things to our check out line, completely unaware that I was having the cashier ring up all her strange little buys separately (paid for it with her debit card). She thought we were paying for it all and kept coming back and sliding something else in there.
Meanwhile, she insulted my intelligence several times - one time actually saying something that made no sense and when I said, "Oh, sorry - I don't get it," she said, "I know - it went right over your head." (Afterwards, my husband said, "What the hell was she talking about?" Who knows.)
Anyway, she was her usual unpleasant, snarky self. Afterwards, my husband and I talked about it and I said, "You see that our visits are filled with long, uncomfortable silences. That's because I don't know what to say to her. Anything I say is wrong, or threatens her some sort of way, or is something she feels she can ridicule. Meanwhile, she's wandering around with 3 inch long chin hairs, smelling like a troll, but I'm supposed to just put up with her snide comments without pointing out the painfully obvious."
It's very, very stressful.
Hence the limit to twice a week at this point - one for appointments (she always has some sort of appointment) and one for church. That should do it.
The strange little things she keeps doing are probably from increasing dementia.
About a year and a half ago, my mom was doing weird things and I would think, "Well, that's strange," but now that I look back, they were very obviously dementia. I just had never been around anyone with dementia before. Your mom is functional in many ways, and mine was too - mine was even still driving! I'm so glad she's not, now. I knew for sure it was dementia when she got lost three miles from home in a place which she had known very, very well. Before that, she forgot how to get to her doctor's office, which was really weird for her, but again, I chalked it up as "normal strange" for her.
My mom's dementia has progressed quite a bit now, but sometimes one would not really be able to tell for sure if she had it. It is very unpredictable and weird that some abilities are still there and others are not. Like Germaine wrote about her husband not knowing where they lived, but he could answer questions from a TV game show.
We have experience with the chin hairs and strange smell, too!
The strange little things she keeps doing are probably from increasing dementia.
About a year and a half ago, my mom was doing weird things and I would think, "Well, that's strange," but now that I look back, they were very obviously dementia. I just had never been around anyone with dementia before. Your mom is functional in many ways, and mine was too - mine was even still driving! I'm so glad she's not, now. I knew for sure it was dementia when she got lost three miles from home in a place which she had known very, very well. Before that, she forgot how to get to her doctor's office, which was really weird for her, but again, I chalked it up as "normal strange" for her.
My mom's dementia has progressed quite a bit now, but sometimes one would not really be able to tell for sure if she had it. It is very unpredictable and weird that some abilities are still there and others are not. Like Germaine wrote about her husband not knowing where they lived, but he could answer questions from a TV game show.
We have experience with the chin hairs and strange smell, too!
LOL yes, my mom does have some dementia, but like your mom and Germaine's husband, it's weirdly placed and unpredictable. It's not Alzheimer's.
Plus, my mom has ALWAYS done strange little things. She's been weird for as long as I've known her. She considers herself to be charmingly eccentric and "independent minded." In her words, she has never "followed the mooing herd." She's proud of that.
What she calls "unique" most would call "strange."
But she can go on with her bad seff.
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