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Oh, I agree. That's why I haven't talked to her since Sunday. I'm going to call her today to remind her of her doctor's appointment tomorrow and then JOY - I get to go get her and take her to the doctor!
I'm sure she'll be so pleasant. NOT.
Oh well, it's not about me, it's about helping her. I just wish I could figure out something to help her be happier.
My entire family spent all of our time trying to make our mother happy. It never happened. Sorry but it won't happen for you either. Don't waste your time trying. You've done all you need to do for her.
Echo7tango said: These days I am much more patient with her. She hasn't changed, I have.
These are definitely words of wisdom when being a caretaker. It was so nice to read a post where someone is seeing the other side.
Being patient is the hardest thing to do and yet it is the key to survival. Doesn't matter if your loved one was actually diagnosed with Alzheimers or another kind of dementia or just plain aging most of what is happening they can't help. Every once in a while they have a lucid moment or perform some task they couldn't before and we are fooled into thinking they really aren't that bad and they do know what they are doing. But it doesn't last. Remember, their mind is also playing tricks on them as well. They have even less of a clue what is happening to them. They are struggling as much with the change in them as you are. They don't want to act that way but they can't help it. Most times they don't even know what they are doing or saying is wrong.
It is especially hard to be patient when you are being called names or being accused of something you didn't do. My mother used to call me names, say really mean things and I was constantly accused of stealing her money and jewelry. At first I kept showing her the bank statements to prove the money was still in the account. We went back and forth until I finally realized I was wasting my time. Her mind just could not grasp what I was saying. All it did was upset her and me. Another time she accused me of stealing a ring. I went all over the house looking for it and finally found it in a ceramic jar. For some reason one day she must have felt the need to hide it but of course she wouldn't remember where afterward. When I found it and it proved I didn't take it of course in my mind I figured she would be sorry for accusing me. She didn't say a word. It is just one of many instances where it shows their mind isn't working right.
It is really hard if not next to impossible to be patient when someone is being mean to you. If you can manage to get yourself to do that you will take away a lot of the stress. You have to constantly remind yourself ... they can't help it, they don't realize what they are saying and doing, they aren't trying to purposely make you miserable, it is beyond their control. If my mother had known some of the terrible things she said to me she would have been mortified and I realize that.
It took me a while to put myself in her world and try to understand her mind. Some things I learned along the way and some I didn't learn until it was too late.
Here is the thing, from all of Kathryn's posts about her Mom, this meanness that her mother continues with, is not the result of Alzheimer's, her mother has always been like this to her, it has just progressively gotten worse. I think most people's parents would be mortified if they knew what they had said to loved one's but in this case, I don't think Kathryn's mother would really care, because she never has. I have said before that when you are caring for someone who was a wonderful parent, did a fantastic job raising their children, it is so much easier to be willing to overlook their actions as they age then it is for someone whose parents weren't like that.
My entire family spent all of our time trying to make our mother happy. It never happened. Sorry but it won't happen for you either. Don't waste your time trying. You've done all you need to do for her.
I absolutely agree with you, sometimes there are just people in our lives, yes sometimes even a parent who should love their children and never cause them pain, that are just toxic. And sadly the best thing to do is just keep as much distance as possible.
Well, I just got off the phone with my mother and WOW.
First of all, she has behavioral health therapy three days a week. She often skips it. My dad did not want her skipping it and neither do either of her doctors. Prior to my dad's death, though, the doctors agreed that she could scale back to two days a week. Then my dad died, and the psychiatrist met with my mom and I and said that due to her added stress, she needed to continue three times a week.
Then the holidays came and all that and she missed a lot of sessions. Then the holidays passed and she CONTINUED to skip sessions several times a week. When I would say, "Mom, you really need to go more regularly," she would literally snarl at me, call me bossy, and tell me that she is PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF MAKING HER OWN DECISIONS THANK YOU VERY MUCH MISS BOSSY PANTS.
One of my dad's last comments to my mom (and me) was "KEEP YOUR THERAPY APPOINTMENTS." He knew she is always trying to get out of going to therapy.
The last few weeks she has become more and more surly, not just with me but with everyone. My brothers and my oldest daughter have all called me asking "what's up" with her. Like I said, she's unhappy and depressed and lashing out at everyone.
So today, she called long after her "therapy ride" had departed, so it was obvious she wasn't going. She didn't go Monday either because of MLK Day. I didn't say anything about either of those but since we were talking about her schedule (doctor check up tomorrow, getting together with family Saturday) I did say "So you're going to go to therapy Friday, right?" She immediately came back with, "That's up to me to decide, not you, Miss Bossy Pants." AND THEN SHE HUNG UP IN MY FACE.
Now - up till that point we were having a nice conversation and planning our morning and lunch tomorrow - doctor appointment and then I was going to take her out to eat wherever she wanted to go. And we usually do something else too, like some pleasant shopping or whatever.
So I sat here thinking, and I realized that she doesn't need me to take her to the doctor - she can coordinate with the bus at her facility and they will pick her up and drop her off and pick her back up again. I am not going to put up with her ornery rudeness and cater to it. And she KNOWS not to hang up on me - that's always been a boundary of mine.
So I called her back - had to call her twice because she wouldn't answer the first time - and I said, "Look - here's the deal. I'm not going to be picking you up for the doctor's appointment tomorrow. It's just a check up and you will not commit to following your doctors' orders so there's no real need for you to go, and besides that, if you WANT to go, you can catch the bus from your apartment. You don't need me to take you, and I'm not going to continue to put up with your rudeness and unpleasant behavior."
Oh, she didn't like that. She said, "WE NEED TO KEEP THE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT." I said, "Why? You aren't following your doctors' advice - the advice of TWO doctors. It's just a regular checkup. You're not having any new problems. You won't follow their advice. And to top it off, you're rude and unpleasant to me and I'm tired of it. If you think you really need to go, coordinate with the front desk - the facility bus can take you. I'm not going to."
Oh she was HOT about that - and tried every form of crazy making arguments, "I've been going to therapy," "I thought we had a good thing going," "This conversation is making me tired," etc etc.
Finally I said, "Look, Mom. I know you're going through a hard time. So am I. All I'm asking for you to do is to quit being so mean, and just be polite, and follow your doctor's orders more closely. So here's my question - will you commit to going to therapy Friday since you haven't gone all week?" SHE WOULD NOT COMMIT. She kept saying, "Its' hard to know - I haven't thought about it - I have a lot going on - This is a new thing for me to consider" yada yada yada.
I said, "Mom. All I'm saying is this - if you will commit to going to therapy Friday, I will come get you tomorrow and we can go to your check up and then out to eat. If you won't commit to going to therapy ONE time this week - Friday - then I'm not going to come pick you up tomorrow - you can go to your doctor's appointment yourself, as you know, if you think it's necessary." (She had already told me - in a haughty tone when I said she could coordinate with the bus - "I KNOW I can do that.")
My point was that she can't have her cake and eat it too - she can't just have me jumping through hoops for her all the time, trying to help her live a better, fuller, healthier life - but treat me rudely and dismissively, and ignore the treatment that she needs.
So there was a long, long silence. Finally she said, "Well, it's just hard for me to decide." I said, "It's hard for you to decide whether or not you will go to therapy Friday?" "Yes." I said, "What on earth is so hard about that? They come and get you. You have nothing else planned. You have not been all week. Just go. Just make the commitment to go."
She would not do it.
So I said, "Alright then. You have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. As you told me, you know you can coordinate with the bus to take you there and drop you off if you really think you need to go. Meanwhile, if you decide that you can commit to going to therapy Friday, then just call me today and let me know and I'll take you to the doctor tomorrow. If you don't want to make that commitment, then that's your choice and I'll see you for a very short time Saturday."
I just thought of something else. She catches the bus to church on Sunday and counts on us to meet her there, take her to lunch, and then visit with her and take her back home that afternoon. If she's still being horsey in a day or two, I'm going to tell her that we will be visiting another church Sunday so don't count on us to take her back home (the bus will pick her back up and take her home - that's part of their service).
She can't keep being so ornery and dismissive with me. I'm not going to cater to that anymore.
By the way, I know she could "commit" to going Friday and I'd take her out Thursday and then she could skip out on Friday. But my point is that she won't even say she'll go. She has dug her heels in.
This is what was driving my dad crazy before he died. There is no reasoning with her. She is totally oppositional and probably the only way I can ever get her to do anything is to act like I DON'T want her to do it.
Kathryn, I know easier said then done, take a break from her, tell the staff she is being particularly confrontational right now and you will be calling them to make sure she is okay. Don't take her to the doctor today, don't meet her after church on Sunday and pick her up, she knows what she says to you upsets you, that is why she does it, she is trying to keep you upset and herself the center of attention. I am sure you can find plenty to do for several days and let the staff earn what they are being paid.
"I get what you're saying. I really do.
But my mom has acted rudely to me for 55 years. It's not dementia.
And she can control more of what she's saying, so she needs to."
Your whole family has allowed her to be the way she is for 55 years. She is well trained and the family is well trained. She has never "needed to" in the past.
The only person you can change is yourself and your response. Somehow you have to look at her as a package which is the way it is. You know how she will respond and it is not going to change due to some magic revelation on your mom's part.
You have set up a lovely residential situation for your mom. She is well taken care of and you can surely relax and enjoy your husband without more stress over her. Let the staff develop their response to her. Find your boundaries and enforce them.
"I get what you're saying. I really do.
But my mom has acted rudely to me for 55 years. It's not dementia.
And she can control more of what she's saying, so she needs to."
Your whole family has allowed her to be the way she is for 55 years. She is well trained and the family is well trained. She has never "needed to" in the past.
The only person you can change is yourself and your response. Somehow you have to look at her as a package which is the way it is. You know how she will respond and it is not going to change due to some magic revelation on your mom's part.
You have set up a lovely residential situation for your mom. She is well taken care of and you can surely relax and enjoy your husband without more stress over her. Let the staff develop their response to her. Find your boundaries and enforce them.
Well, I agree with a lot of what you're saying. I know she isn't going to change, and that I need to change my reaction to her and reinforce boundaries. That's why I told her I wouldn't be taking her to the doctor today and why I called her hand on her being rude to me.
I want to give you a little background though - my entire family has not enabled her, only my father enabled her - with a passion. My brother left home when he was 17, not to return till he was in his thirties, and then for just one short visit. I left home when I was 19 and also didn't return till I was in my thirties and THEN i got about two years of counseling in order to be able to establish boundaries with my mother, and to sort through my anger at my dad for enabling my mother their entire marriage.
I have had to walk out of my parents' house on a holiday carting all four of my kids with me due to my mother's rudeness. Once I went 18 months without talking to her or seeing her at all because of her rudeness (this was after I moved back to their general area). Those are just a few examples of ways I've dealt with her in the past.
For many years my mom and I had reached a sort of truce, and I'd sorted things out with my dad, who was much more loving and sweet natured than my mom, and we had what I thought was a decent relationship. i mean, my mother was never going to be sweet and precious but she reined her rudeness in for the most part, and when she didn't, I would just call her hand on it and leave. She'd come around pretty quickly with that small amount of "discipline."
But then my dad died - and my mom's enabler was suddenly gone. Her shield was also gone. So was the ONLY person she felt accountable to (and that was to a very small extent).
So she's not only grieving her husband, she's grieving the loss of her enabler and all that entails.
She also had a broken hip earlier this year. She's moved out of her home that she loved and into a small apartment. Her dogs were awful, but still - they couldn't go with her, and I had to find homes for them - or put them down. Out of the five, I ended up having to put two down.
So I've had more sympathy for her than in the past, and that's sort of rocked my concept of boundaries. I've been excusing some of her behavior, due to my sympathy.
But no more. I'm done excusing it.
If she hasn't straightened up a bit by Sunday, we won't be sitting with her at church or hauling her around after church. I am going to tell her that she'll just have to have the bus pick her up as well as take her (they will do that).
I've GOT boundaries - I've just realized lately that I had allowed them to slip - but I'm getting back on track!
But my mom has acted rudely to me for 55 years. It's not dementia.
And she can control more of what she's saying, so she needs to.
Yeah, it's easier when it's a new behavior and you're able to recognize that it's dementia talking. If my mom started talking to me like that I would take her to the doctor ASAP 'cause I would know something was wrong.
I think it's fine for you to stand up to her meanness. You have taken care of her physical needs and made sure she's warm and well-fed....I don't know what else you can do.
One thing that does come to my mind, though....it hasn't been that long since your dad died, and your mom moved pretty soon after that....maybe now that all the activity has ceased and the dust has settled, she's just now starting to grieve his loss in earnest.
My entire family spent all of our time trying to make our mother happy. It never happened. Sorry but it won't happen for you either. Don't waste your time trying. You've done all you need to do for her.
Yeah, my mom spent a lot of time trying to make her mom happy when she got dementia, and it never happened either. We learned a lesson from that and therefore my husband has not gone to excessive lengths, like my mom did, to make his elderly, anxiety-ridden, Dependent-Personality-Disordered mom "happy"....he knows it just ain't happenin'.
Kathryn, I know easier said then done, take a break from her, tell the staff she is being particularly confrontational right now and you will be calling them to make sure she is okay.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking also....be sure to call them and let them know to keep a little closer eye on her for a few days, a week, whatever you decide, and make sure they know she will need to take the bus to her doctor's appointments and home from church on Sunday.
Yeah, it's easier when it's a new behavior and you're able to recognize that it's dementia talking. If my mom started talking to me like that I would take her to the doctor ASAP 'cause I would know something was wrong.
I think it's fine for you to stand up to her meanness. You have taken care of her physical needs and made sure she's warm and well-fed....I don't know what else you can do.
One thing that does come to my mind, though....it hasn't been that long since your dad died, and your mom moved pretty soon after that....maybe now that all the activity has ceased and the dust has settled, she's just now starting to grieve his loss in earnest.
Yes, she is, I believe, and that's been the main reason I've cut her more slack on the rudeness. But you know what - I'm grieving too, and I'm not rude and lashing out at people.
If it wasn't the way she has always WANTED to act with me, with impunity, it would be different but what she's doing now is just reminding me of all the years she thought it was perfectly fine to talk to other people - especially me - that way. I'm not going to let that pattern set back in.
I told her yesterday that I understand that she's going through a difficult time - but that doesn't give her the right to be rude and unpleasant. It really doesn't.
Later I talked with my brother (the one who's not mentally ill) and asked him to call her and check on her. He did so and said she was not rude to him at all (because she knows she can't be and because she also knows that NOT being rude to him undermines what I told him) and that she just sounded sort of down and said she "wasn't fitting in" at her new place. And she's not - because she's expecting to be able to be haughty and cold and suspicious acting without any consequences. She's also not naturally very extroverted, though she is aggressive, if that makes sense. So she has never made friends easily and she's not making friends easily now either.
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