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LOL yes our mothers both sound weird but they also sound different. I didn't push back with my mom till I was in my thirties - she ran right over me like a Sherman tank till then in many ways, though I did know from very early on, about seven years old, that something was broken in my mom - and that whatever that was was NOT broken in me. So I did a lot of avoiding her. I became a book worm and stayed in my room alot and escaped into books. I also did the typical thing of my generation - get on my bike and play outside from the minute I was able till the street lights came on.
My mom has never made friends easily. My DAD did so consequently they had a lot of friends, company, etc but they put up with her while loving my dad. I've actually had many "friends" of theirs tell me this after my dad passed away, that my mother had "had words" with them, or shunned their wives, or "had some sort of problem, not sure what" but that my dad had continued to reach out to them, to maintain the friendship, etc. I think they each thought they were an anomaly - they didn't know they were each part of a pattern.
Now that she's by herself and in a new place, she is definitely not making friends.
People say they never realized their family was odd/disturbed/dysfunctional until much later in their life, in their 30's or even older. I ALWAYS knew that my family wasn't like other families and I hated it. Like you I was off on bicycle as much as I was allowed. My best friend, who is still my best friend, had a 'normal' family so I spent a lot of time with them. I can't remember a time when I didn't know my family was different from other families.
It is so freeing to be able to say, I don't like it so I am not going to. It was nice to be able to tell my mother that even though she didn't want to go to Texas and threatened to runaway, that this was not up for consideration. She wants to act helpless and a child, then she will get treated the same way.
My goodness, where would she run to? Have you considered encouraging her? J/K
Kathryn, I don't know how you do it. Just READING the stuff your Mom has said gets my Irish up! I suspect she and I would clash a lot if she were my mother. Bless your soul for holding your tongue... most of the time.
LOL I guess I'm just used to it. She's been abrasive and squirrely my entire life.
One thing I've always thought - and I think somehow she's picked up on it and it makes her feel even more threatened and jealous of me - is that I'm so incredibly glad I'm me and not her. I remember thinking that even when I was a little bitty girl and thought my mother was the most beautiful creature in the universe. I still thought "But I like being me better because there's something wrong with her."
Oh my gosh, she's really worrying me. Not that this is actually anything that can HURT her or others, but wow.
I called her this morning and here was the conversation:
I said, "So what's up with you today?" She said, "Oh, I'm just sitting here waiting to go to church." I said, "Mom, it's Saturday - you aren't going to church till tomorrow." IMMEDIATELY she gets very irate. "Of COURSE I know it's Saturday and I can't go to church on Saturday. I'm just sitting here waiting to go to church." I said - in a nice tone (I kept my tone soft and pleasant the entire time), "Mom, I am getting a little concerned because it seems to me you're having a difficult time lately keeping up with what day it is." There was a long silence and then she said, "Well, maybe a little bit." (This is every single day and verified by the staff.)
I said, "Well, that's something we probably need to ask your doctor about next week but let's think this through. You seem to be doing a great job of taking your medications that are in your pill box, and the day is clearly marked on each section, so that seems to work for you. Also, you have your talking watch that says what day it is. Let's think through how we can help you keep track through the day." (I know already that she cannot read a calendar - calendars completely confuse her.)
She said then, in a very condescending tone, "Kathryn, what we have here is you exaggerating a problem. I know I can't go to church on Saturday. So I'm just waiting to go to church." I said, "Mom, church is tomorrow - do you mean that you are waiting for the next 24 hours or what?" Long silence.
I said, "I'm just trying to come up with a way to help you keep up with the time. I think you're taking cat naps during the day and that's throwing you off. I'm just trying to figure out how to help you keep on track."
She immediately said, "I am NOT sleeping DURING THE DAY. YOU ARE EXAGGERATING AND THIS CONVERSATION IS A WASTE OF TIME."
OK, I know she is sleeping off and on throughout the day - in fact, the other day after I called and said we'd be by in about an hour, when we got there, she was asleep on the sofa and was totally confused about time and date when we woke her up. But she denied it then, even though she literally told me that she did not believe me when I said that the bus was coming by to take her to her appointment in fifteen hours - not fifteen minutes.
Sigh.
So I said, "Well, we can agree on one thing for sure - this conversation IS a waste of time. Talk with you later."
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
She was like this with my dad. She would simply not believe him when he said "But today is Wednesday, not Thursday." She falls asleep off and on during the day - often actually getting into her PJs and into bed - and then she wakes up a few hours later and thinks it's the next day. And when you try to tell her there's no need to get dressed for church on Saturday, she acts like YOU are the idiot and of COURSE she's not dressed for church - except that she is and she thought it was Sunday. Which she then denies - but she doesn't actually believe you - she thinks it really is Sunday and for some reason whoever is telling her otherwise is trying to mess with her mind. I am for real.
Thank God she can't drive and she doesn't show any inclination toward trying to leave the facility. She doesn't make strange phone calls to me anymore at 3 am because I block her calls at night.
I talked with the staff about this and they told me 1) It's common. 2) She's not harmful to herself or others. 3) Since the cafe is open 24/7, even if she misses a meal in the cafeteria she is not actually missing out on any food, and they verified that she is eating regularly and often. In fact, she's gained a little weight, which is good.
As hard as it is, I am just not going to continue to correct her, I don't think. She doesn't believe me anyway. For some weird reason, she is able to keep up with her meds schedule even if she isn't keeping up with anything else - now THAT is REALLY weird but it's the truth. (She only takes prescription meds once a day - the other dose is vitamins.)
She only gets hostile when I try to steer her back to whatever day and schedule it REALLY is. So I guess I'd rather her sit in her apartment waiting for 15 hours than fight with her. It's not like she can actually GET anywhere on the wrong day. And I am picking her up for actual doctor appointments so she's not missing those. But it breaks my heart to think of her waiting, in the dark (she rarely turns on her lamps), dressed up and wondering what's taking so long, wondering what day it is, what time it is. It's so sad.
Oh well.
She's just so snarky and defensive. She always has been but now she's worse than ever. I want to be able to help her but I'm realizing that while I can help her with the logistics of her life - her safety, her doctor appointments, her nutrition, etc - I cannot ever make her happy or help her get along better with others. What a shame for her life to come to this lonely, confused state.
Kathryn, it's possible that your mother is showing signs of dementia. It's better not to argue about things as that happens. It upsets them and you both. There is a book called Contented Dementia that was recommended by another poster. I read it although it never totally applied to my Mom. But it was useful for me to get the no arguing idea. Have a look at it. I could even send it to you if you want because my time for caregiving is over.
Would she like one of those wake up lamps that gradually turn on in the morning? They have alarms, but I bet the sound part could be disabled. Or put a lamp or two on timers. I would worry about her tripping in the dark....but living in a 24hr get a snack place sounds terrific.
Her unpleasant personality is limiting her possibilities for unpaid companionship, which is darned unfortunate.
Would she like one of those wake up lamps that gradually turn on in the morning? They have alarms, but I bet the sound part could be disabled. Or put a lamp or two on timers. I would worry about her tripping in the dark....but living in a 24hr get a snack place sounds terrific.
Her unpleasant personality is limiting her possibilities for unpaid companionship, which is darned unfortunate.
Honestly, I can't imagine her liking or "conforming to" a lamp that turns on and off on a timer. She doesn't seem to be able to differentiate between day and night, or light and darkness. Her stroke several years ago hit her optic nerve so she has really weird vision (which she also denies).
Her unpleasant personality has limited her options her whole life. She was lucky to have my dad who catered to her every oddity, but homie don't play dat.
I am not going to argue with her or even point out her odd timing anymore now that I have her calls blocked during the night. Whatever day she thinks it is is fine with me. It's not like she's actually going to get anywhere at the wrong time.
I hate arguing with her and I hate her condescending attitude - which has always rubbed me massively the wrong way because she's ALWAYS BEEN MENTALLY ILL and she would say the most ridiculous things to me as if they were the most common sense application - and like I'm the one who's the idiot.
Kathryn, one of the hallmarks of dealing with dementia (and your Mom is definitely exhibiting symptoms if dementia, imo), is that you have to live in THEIR world. The assisted living facility where my mom lived even had several books on it in their library, emphasizing that trying to bring the person with dementia into the "real" world would just cause them stress and confusion, because it's not the work they live in. They simply cannot comprehend it, no matter how much we want them to. They're not trying to be argumentative or combative; their reality simply doesn't line up with what is real. Practically speaking, as soon as I started to agree with my Mom on things, whether they were true or not (as long as they were not harmful to her), both her stress and mine decreased significantly.
I sense that things are going to get harder for you sooner rather than later, and that these memory and behavioral issues are going to cause a lot of conflict and stress between you and your Mom. That may never end.
I strongly encourage you to transition her to Assisted living.
It is a miracle that you have transitioned her so smoothly to an apartment in a community that has the option of aging in place. Well done. But someone who cannot keep up the day, or the time of day, or read a calendar, and is sleeping during the day, getting up odd hours at night.... is going to make a mistake with medications. No two ways about it. And she is on serious medications where a mistake could have dangerous repercussions. A double dose of any of those neuro meds and she could become sedated/confused/have a seizure etc... and then have a fall. And you know what that means....
Wouldn't it be better for her to have someone in addition to you, look in on her regularly, and keep her on track? For example, ?every morning to help orient her and to make sure she takes her meds? To peak in mid day to remind her it is a good time to grab a lunch etc..? Whatever you need?
When someone else is also reminding her that today is Saturday, no church today.... then you can save your Mom calls for other topics. It might actually improve the relationship with your Mom to allow you to even be a daughter a little.....
It also takes a lot of practice, but it is helpful to avoid the conversations about reality that only cause conflict and heartache. If you sense this is a transition point, and there is something specific you are hoping for from the upcoming doctor's appointment, then I recommend you contact the doctor's office before the appointment so the doctor can be updated privately. This is particularly important if you think your Mom will just explode/deny during the appointment. With you warning the doctor of her issues, you can ask if he/she can "prescribe" the "treatment" that she needs during the appointment.
For example, after talking with your Mom, he can write a prescription (on a piece of paper/prescription pad) for "one shower per week, with assistance". Or even what to use to wash her hair! Or "medication assistance" etc... You can talk with the doctor about what might be helpful. And then you can have the assisted living folks assist with "filling the prescription". Then you have that paper prescription, that you tape to the refrigerator (and make a copy in case she throws it out) and you can point to it as needed. "The doctor asked for this." By deferring to the doctor, you take the responsibility off you. YOU aren't telling her what to do.... the doctor is.
I realize assisted living is very, very, very expensive. And even with assisted living help, you still need to watch them like a hawk. But it really is time for them to be involved. $400?? $4000? Who cares! You mother is very wealthy. If $400 a month guarantees that your mother takes her meds every day without you having to ask, it is a bargain and money well spent. If $200 a month means that she will get one shower a week, another bargain. Actually, she doesn't need help in the shower, just the judging to take a shower, and a nudge from an outsider is better than from you.
Nurses/therapists/care workers will be able to nudge your mother to do many things that you would not be successful with. They can be more experienced with dementia/behavioral issues, and don't have a loaded history that every child has with their Mom that turns are request into .... a war. And of course, your history has been more colorful than most.... unfortunately.
I really have to say, I truly feel for your mother. She grew up in a very difficult environment with so much mental illness, and has such illness herself. No one who hasn't grown up in a family like this can understand what a profound effect this has. Honestly, it is incredible that she has remained functioning for this long in her life.
I also truly feel for you. It is amazing, and a testament to your strength and resilience, that you have accomplished so much in your life and have a strong marriage. And that you haven't gone postal on your Mom already.
Kathryn, one of the hallmarks of dealing with dementia (and your Mom is definitely exhibiting symptoms if dementia, imo), is that you have to live in THEIR world. The assisted living facility where my mom lived even had several books on it in their library, emphasizing that trying to bring the person with dementia into the "real" world would just cause them stress and confusion, because it's not the work they live in. They simply cannot comprehend it, no matter how much we want them to. They're not trying to be argumentative or combative; their reality simply doesn't line up with what is real. Practically speaking, as soon as I started to agree with my Mom on things, whether they were true or not (as long as they were not harmful to her), both her stress and mine decreased significantly.
I agree that I need to just stop arguing with her. And I'm going to stop. I mean as of right this minute.
It's going to take some serious readjustment on my part though because my mother has been argumentative and combative and suspicious and paranoid her entire life. So now, with this time confusion thing thrown in, she's STILL argumentative, combative, suspicious and paranoid.
It's like I've got to suddenly switch gears. Up till now, the way I dealt with her emotional abuse and attacks was to be calm and to state what was actually true with dignity, and then leave if she didn't show me respect. Now I suddenly find myself in the odd position of having to just go along with her crazy opinions.
See, she's always had really bizarre notions and ideas and suspicions and I've been able to be more firm about it. Now it's like she still has bizarre ideas and suspicions but I have to go along with it.
It's just hard.
See, if she hadn't always been so argumentative and ornery and condescending, I would feel more sympathy for her and have a bit more fortitude, but her decades of meanness have sort of tapped out my reserves.
That's why I'm getting some counseling!
You know what - I am not going to argue with her or try to even help her figure out time lines, because it's pointless. It should be interesting seeing how she responds to that. My mother's usual modus operandum is to continue to needle, to push, because she ENJOYS arguing and being condescending. Now THAT I do not have to put up with. So I will not argue with her about times and dates but when (note that I didn't say if) she gets haughty or sarcastic or whatever, I am going to just say, "Well, time for me to go!" and then just do it.
I used that tactic a few months ago and she immediately knew she had overstepped my boundary and was calling me in 30 seconds saying, "Oh, forget what I said, you're so hypersensitive, I'll say I'm sorry if that's what you want" yada yada yada. I just let it roll to voice mail and went about my day.
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