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I really don't think that if you wear a longer dress and conceal more of your legs if you don't feel that exposing your legs is your most flattering look, that in and of itself is going to put you in the line of fire for "trying to outshine the mother of the bride." Hemline doesn't equal "more flashy" or "less flashy," and there are dresses in all lengths at all levels of dressy/formal and non. No, you're not gonna want to wear some jewel-encrusted, plunging neckline Oscar Red Carpet level formalwear if your stepdaughter's mom is going with a knee-length, airy cotton sundress, and that WOULD look silly. But you should be able to find a longer hemline that's appropriate to what others are wearing. Maxi dresses are certainly easy enough to find at all levels of formality, currently.
And honestly, if people are going to find fault with you due to a second-wife/first-wife awkward situation, they're going to do it no matter what you're wearing, trust me. I get not wanting to give anybody any ammo in a potentially awkward situation, but if there's already a strong possibility that people are going to be looking for something to criticize, basing your wardrobe decisions around such pressure isn't likely to do much, they'll just find something else. Like criticize you for looking dowdy in nude hose and peep toe shoes, for instance. If people are gonna be jerks, you're not gonna stop them from being jerks. I wouldn't spend a lot of energy focusing on keeping people off your case.
I don't know. My wedding involved my parents (together), my husband's mom, my husband's dad (divorced), my husband's dad's second ex-wife, and my father-in-law's kids from both marriages. As far as I know, former wives' outfits and how they stacked up to one another were not a point of concern. Nobody really cares. Eyes won't be on you, anyway, apart from when photos are taken.