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You're 20. You will change a lot in the next 20 years. And consider what your life will be like when you are 70. All young people think they will die young. All young people think that friends can be counted on just like family. What you think you want now will very likely change. What happens if you fall in love with someone that does want kids? What if you find that your dream lifestyle leaves you lonely?
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids.
Plenty of people are childless and have really amazing lives.
It seems like only people who actually live in New Jersey love it or brag about it. I've never understood the pride in being a "Jersey Girl" or "Jersey Proud". I can understand you wanting to leave.
FWIW, my stepfather is from New Jersey and my mom lived there half of the year.
^^^ Talk about an overreaction with nothing to support it.
Nothing wrong with the way you feel OP. I would say get your degree and move. You can certainly have less/no contact with your parents but I wouldn't burn any bridges. It's possible (but not a guarantee) you may change your mind.
Plenty of people in their 20s decide they don't want marriage or kids, nothing wrong with that either.
Clearly I do. Ed Kemper. Hated his mother. Dare I go on with the documented cases of kids who went thru life despising their parents and doing harm?
As to dismissing this posters attitude as "normal" . Re think that as ..how mentally healthy is that?
I mentor trouble teens. Each can rant on their relatives. Some seem justifiable. Other times as a mentor I guide them to change the attitide. .change the outcome.
It's fair to support an adult who has examined all options and then chose to stay single..have kids or not. Or move when opportunities are available.
Running towards opportunities is different then running from unresolved issues.
I am 30 year old, just graduated and right at the time where i am beginning to have the opportunity to experience all that life has to offer, find my identity and learning about the world. No longer will I listen to what others have to say about my career decisions as that have lead so far to resentment. I am feeling quite adventerous. As a solo female I will boldly be traveling by myself and my first sight is set on Colorado. I mostly feel excitement and alive at the idea...yet feeling held back and consternation about leaving my parents behind, who are growing older with each following year. I don’t know what to do..I can’t make a decision. On the other hand I feel like 30 is a ripe age..and I can’t put off another decade any longer. Furthermore, they don’t want me to be far away and want to spend time together now that we have more time. We never had that before. they will always want whats best for me..can be a downside and limiting sometimes. both 60 and 76. I don’t want to miss that relationship with them either. the thought of nursing home is alienating to us. But i need to find myself. I don’t feel too fond of my hometown..there is nothing there for me to move back to. I feel like either way I will regret my decision.
We are of asian ethnicity btw
A few comments.
Your parents shouldn't resent an adult child moving out and having an independent life. 30 is actually rather late to becoming independent for the first time IMHO. If your parents truly "want what's best for you" it shouldn't even be a problem. Unless your career choices up to this point haven't been too responsible, they shouldn't be questioning you. You didn't offer any specifics about this so no one here could comment on this.
You are not going to lose the relationship you have with your parents just because you move away...the specific manner in which the relationship continues may change (not being physically present all the time, but definitely in communication), but if it's sound, it won't be lost.
Why do you immediately jump to their needing a nursing home??? There are other options for the years when they may not be able to live on their own for some reason.
I think you are being rather dramatic and letting misplaced guilt drive your thinking about this.
I actually like South Jersey. I like Jersey in general. I do not hate my parents, but I disagree with them on all social and political issues. I stay out of their way as much as possible and prefer they stay out of mine. But, hit the rd. It's a great big country.
The country is big but there are airports all over if you need to get back to your parents for any reason. Teach them how to use Skype if they don't already know and you can talk to them frequently.
But GO. I am a 65 year old parent. When I was your age I already had years of adventuring behind me and a few left in front of me. In retrospect I am SOOO grateful for those years.
When my own kids graduated from college I said, GO. And they did. They live on the other side of the country from us now, but we'll be moving closer to them in the near future, closer to them where they are busy with their young vital lives.
Your parents shouldn't resent an adult child moving out and having an independent life. 30 is actually rather late to becoming independent for the first time IMHO. If your parents truly "want what's best for you" it shouldn't even be a problem. Unless your career choices up to this point haven't been too responsible, they shouldn't be questioning you. You didn't offer any specifics about this so no one here could comment on this.
You are not going to lose the relationship you have with your parents just because you move away...the specific manner in which the relationship continues may change (not being physically present all the time, but definitely in communication), but if it's sound, it won't be lost.
Why do you immediately jump to their needing a nursing home??? There are other options for the years when they may not be able to live on their own for some reason.
I think you are being rather dramatic and letting misplaced guilt drive your thinking about this.
My mother had expressed her fears about being left in a nursing home should I leave her in the future. She won’t stop me from going where I want to however.
Also the being able to visit my parents in person is complicated by other factors as well because I also don’t want to see my sibling who live there due to being too toxic for my well being. So for my own sake I have to be as far away as possible in order to heal.
Quote:
Your parents shouldn't resent an adult child moving out and having an independent life. 30 is actually rather late to becoming independent for the first time IMHO. If your parents truly "want what's best for you" it shouldn't even be a problem. Unless your career choices up to this point haven't been too responsible, they shouldn't be questioning you. You didn't offer any specifics about this so no one here could comment on this.
I don’t really have too much money saved up, just enough to rent for 3-4 months for $500/month while looking for a job.
Quote:
Asian ethnicity, that means your parents easily have 30 years left at least. I wouldn’t worry about leaving them, just make sure to visit! You’re so lucky to have both parents around and that you get along well with them. I have one parent, my mom died when I was 23, and my dad is a complicated person without really saying more, but he creates drama and it’s often a chore living in the same city. At the same time I can appreciate how much easier it makes it for me to move (in a few months) because I don’t have anything holding me back. It’s a tougher decision for you but I’d pursue your own dreams and adventures.
When I googled the average life span of asians were 75 so not that impressive. I sure hope you are right. Still makes me depressed. Also, I am sorry about your parents.
You're 20. You will change a lot in the next 20 years. And consider what your life will be like when you are 70. All young people think they will die young. All young people think that friends can be counted on just like family. What you think you want now will very likely change. What happens if you fall in love with someone that does want kids? What if you find that your dream lifestyle leaves you lonely?
I realize your heart is in the right place, but please stop trying to scare people into having kids. People like you are only thinking from your own perspective. You don't understand the perspective of someone like me. When you say "think of how you'll feel at 70" you're not really thinking of how OP will feel. You're thinking of how YOU would feel at 70 if YOU didn't have kids.
If OP was having a child at 20, would you still be warning them that they might change their mind? Because people do you know. A close friend of mine was abandoned by his mother at age 5 because she changed her mind and said she could not be a parent. She just threw up her hands, left the kid with his dad, and walked.
That's the sort of thing that happens when people are pressured into having kids they don't want.
Also, the whole "what if you fall in love" thing is extremely irritating because you're basically saying we aren't capable of making smart decisions. As if we just "fall" in love and have no say in the matter? I've walked away from men I loved dearly because they wanted children, and I knew I couldn't give them that. That's maturity. We can't help getting feelings for someone but getting into a relationship with someone is absolutely a choice. So please don't act like people are passive blobs of helpless matter rather than autonomous adults who can think through their choices carefully.
For the record, I've met some very happy childfree people in their 60s and 70s. Especially being in the backpacking scene, there are a lot of older folks out there traveling the world who never had kids. They love the freedom of not having a dozen grandchildren to worry about like other people their age. They can just enjoy themselves. Not everyone is family orientated. Some of us are more about culture, travel, the arts, etc. I'm sorry for this ranting but the childfree have to deal with these same "points" being made over and over and over and over.... it gets so ridiculously old after a while.
I am 20, a junior in college, living with my parents and I did not like New Jersey and I absolutely am miserable about living with my parents. I had enough. I am the only person in NJ who doesn't like it here and I am the only young adult in NJ who doesn't enjoy living with his/her parents and living around family.
It seems like every person on Reddit or City-Data say, "We miss our family", or "I want to get away from family, but I get lonely and want to move back". No, I am not going to get lonely and I will never want to move back. But it also seems like every young adult who lives in NJ lives with their parents until they are 30, because they want to live in NJ forever and they love their parents to death. I don't want to be stuck with my parents or my NJ family after college! I just want to get a job in a different state like the PNW (in a semi-rural area where COL can be lower) and move out at 22, and no older than that.
I want to live alone, which I always dreamed of. I have no interest in living around family and I have no desire to get married or have kids. I am the only young person who does not want to live a city and I do not want a typical suburban life in my 30s. I like semi-rural towns. It feels weird that I have these unusual preferences of things.
I have a bunch of friends like you, you're about as unique in this country of 330million people as people that like mayo on their hotdog. Rare but not like you're the Hope diamond.
Sooooo, go live your life which means you need to suck it up and do whatever it takes to become independent.
If OP was having a child at 20, would you still be warning them that they might change their mind? Because people do you know. A close friend of mine was abandoned by his mother at age 5 because she changed her mind and said she could not be a parent. She just threw up her hands, left the kid with his dad, and walked.
That's the sort of thing that happens when people are pressured into having kids they don't want.
I know a few people whose husband or dad simply walked out on a family of little kids, never to be seen again. So many men started changing their minds (or ending up with kids they never wanted in the first place) that this country finally had to get serious about enforcing child support orders in the 1980s. Before that, men could simply move to another state to avoid paying child support, and some of them did.
If everyone loves parenthood so much, where do abused and neglected children come from?
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