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Also, the whole "what if you fall in love" thing is extremely irritating because you're basically saying we aren't capable of making smart decisions. As if we just "fall" in love and have no say in the matter? I've walked away from men I loved dearly because they wanted children, and I knew I couldn't give them that. That's maturity. We can't help getting feelings for someone but getting into a relationship with someone is absolutely a choice. So please don't act like people are passive blobs of helpless matter rather than autonomous adults who can think through their choices carefully.
For the record, I've met some very happy childfree people in their 60s and 70s. Especially being in the backpacking scene, there are a lot of older folks out there traveling the world who never had kids. They love the freedom of not having a dozen grandchildren to worry about like other people their age. They can just enjoy themselves. Not everyone is family orientated. Some of us are more about culture, travel, the arts, etc. I'm sorry for this ranting but the childfree have to deal with these same "points" being made over and over and over and over.... it gets so ridiculously old after a while.
Very good post, but especially true that it just becomes annoying because parents somehow think childfree people haven’t considered their incredibly tiring, trite, frankly poor reasoning about why everyone should have kids. Yeah, we have, we’ve heard it all a million times and it never becomes any more logical or valid no matter how many times it’s repeated.
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Originally Posted by coschristi
Social obligations are not weird ... Without them; society is weird but I still think that those who are childfree hold an important place in their communities. Pick your tithe ... You don’t just get a pass from ALL social obligations, seriously; it’s really not all about you.
Yes, they are weird. Nobody gets to have obligations of me unless they’re paying me, and as I don’t need money from anyone, I don’t have obligations. I have desires and goals and plans, and I act on those with my resources. It IS in fact all about me, actually. Your life can be about whatever you want it to be. My life is about me and my goals and my happiness - just the way it should be. I find it immensely sad when people waste the only life they have moving from one obligation to another, never pursuing their own dreams. Even more sad that I don’t even think some people have dreams at all. I know a few people like that. As an old friend used to say, “It feels like life is just something they’re trying to get through.” That’s no way to live. But have fun with your obligations, I’ll have fun pursuing my dreams and doing whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it. It’s pretty amazing!
I was teasing because some of the longest living societies are Japanese, and it seems like fat Asians are incredibly rare. When I went to South Korea for a Taekwondo trip, they were making fun of this kid for being fat over there and he was probably 15 pounds overweight, by our standards just pudgy at worst. That’s why they’re not fat, though, they haven’t jumped aboard the crazy train and boarded the “fat is beautiful” cabin
I’m not sure anymore if people actually know what they’re saying when they say “nursing home” or if they just use that as a catch all phrase. My dad made most of his money from senior living, he’s never run a “nursing home,” and the actual meaning of that phrase is typically a place you don’t want to be. They’re not nice, generally speaking. But senior living is often very nice. My company has produced more than 500 videos for senior living communities nationwide. To give one example of a family owned property, here in my state the newest one my dad built (about 150 units) has an indoor pool with a movie projector, a beautiful programmable fountain like a mini Bellagio, a salon, a movie theater, a chefs kitchen where residents can sample future menu items and give feedback, a fitness center with a full time trainer and key-carded machines that track your progress, a bistro for snacks and drinks, and a full restaurant where they hired one of the best chefs in town and everyone gets a choice for what to eat. There’s even valet parking for seniors who still drive. If I could, I would stay there and I’m 36! It’s absolutely beautiful and right on the riverfront with walking trails. Most people don’t live that well at any time in their lives lol.
So if by nursing home you really mean they can’t afford anything but a nursing home, that would suck. But if you mean they’d go into a luxury senior living community, don’t be worried. Be jealous. They’ll be living a better life than you!
My mother had expressed her fears about being left in a nursing home should I leave her in the future. She won’t stop me from going where I want to however.
Also the being able to visit my parents in person is complicated by other factors as well because I also don’t want to see my sibling who live there due to being too toxic for my well being. So for my own sake I have to be as far away as possible in order to heal.
What does your mother expect you to do, quit your job, stay home all day and take care of her? That's the level of care people require when they go to a nursing home.
I'm not sure whether you intend to move to or just visit Colorado. But as I'm sure you know, there are parts of Colorado where $500 a month won't even rent a doghouse.
Go now or it may never happen. At thirty, you're still a young person, but you'll be amazed at how quickly forty will roll around and all sorts of options will become either scarce or no longer available at all.
I have only one child, DS, and divorced his father when DS was 12. I knew he had to have his own life and not be so tied to me that he'd never want to leave. He went to college 3 hours away and stayed there after graduation. I"d always joked that I knew I had to let him go because I wanted grandchildren. Sure enough, he married, he has a wonderful life and job where he is, and I have 2 beautiful granddaughters and their baby brother is due any day now. I have a wonderful life where I am, too- retired but with enough activities to get me out of the house.
Please don't let your parents guilt you into staying close by. You're right- at some point they'll be gone. We all have to face the fact that we're likely to outlive our parents. My mother died at 85 and Dad is still alive at 88. What will your life look like after they're gone if you never leave your home town?
And, as JonathanLB has said, senior living can be very different from the nightmare nursing home we all fear. I'm planning to move to a senior community near DS and DDIL when I can no longer live on my own, but I hope that's many years from now. I'm "only" 66 and just ran a mile race 2 nights ago!
I agree with previous posters. Go now while you can. 30 is the perfect age...you are mature enough, your parents are still young enough to take care of themselves, you have the desire and health to go.
Do not move somewhere without a job lined up. If you never had a job before get one locally first, move out, work a year or two, use that on your resume to get a new job in Colorado or wherever. Don’t try to change everything at once
I get the need to be near the parents. My wife is all into being close to family. My four sisters all followed my parents to Arizona when they moved from California back in 2003. Two of my brothers also ended up moving to Arizona. My wife and I have 6 kids and they all have lives here with us. Then again four of them still live at home with three still in High school or middle school. But I digress.
You are 30 years old now. You have a sibling at home still. You have a new degree. Maybe time for you to become an adult and follow where that degree takes you. Unless you have options where you are living right now that will pay you to stay where you are. No sense in going to school and getting a degree if you can not now use it to support yourself.
In 30 more years you will be your moms age. You will be in the same place as your mom is now. Do you spend your life taking care of her and your dad or do you make your own life. Who will take care of you in 30 years?
Realize that people are living longer now. It is not unusual to meet people in there 100's now. Your parents might live longer than you think.
I am an Asian-American as well, a few years older than you (and an only child) so I can perhaps empathize with some of the emotional feeling. However I'm sure my circumstances are pretty different.
I spent seven years (higher education) living away from home though I did visit regularly, and then I subsequently lived back in my hometown for eight years, including some time living at my parents' home. However, in those eight years back I certainly traveled A LOT, for work and leisure. I was in my hometown for only about 60% of the year.
I am married with two kids and for the past two years I have lived in a different city a day's drive away but my parents, now retired, come stay with us for a few weeks-few months at a time. If we move farther away (as we plan to do) I imagine they will continue to split their time by having extended visits with us. And eventually when they need more care we will have them live with us. While they are happy living in my hometown, they are also happy to follow us wherever we go.
Anyway, I was going to ask you about siblings but it appears you've answered that. You just have the one brother that you need to move away from?
Also, what city do you all live in currently, and is there any way your family can move in the future?
Go and do! Believe me when they NEED care, they will find you. This is your time to do as you please. All those responsibilities will catch up with you down the road anyway. Take this time to be free. Cut the apron strings and run!
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