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When I have shared with people the fact that my daughter won't answer my calls, etc., by young women around her age - but of a different culture - they are shocked. They tell me they call their mothers every day to just chat or ask for advice. And driving 30 minutes or a couple of hours to see them would be done at least every weekend.
Where I grew up and live now, it can take that long just to get across town in traffic. And my own parents took us to see grandparents or other elderly relatives nearly every weekend in cars without air conditioning and four kids.
I think it's a shift in our culture and I think part of it is our own fault. I think kids of divorced parents were spoiled, for one thing.
But, I see these "children" having plenty of time for social media, but no time to call Mom. It's sad. Because, they're training their own kids how to treat them when their own kids grow up. I dunno, maybe they just won't have any angst, themselves, about moving where they want to move, regardless of their own grandkids, though.
A couple of people have mentioned the physical ability to move. It's tiring but elderly people move all the time. My mother moved a couple of years ago at age 78. She paid a couple of teen aged family members to help with the physical work of purging and packing while she supervised (from a chair! lol!) , and then of course hired movers. And then we all helped her unpack. Yes, it was a lot of work, and it was tiring but we made sure to allow enough time so that she didn't have to exhaust herself on any given day, and it all got done.
OP can (and should!) start purging now, which can be done over time, so that when she is ready to pack up and sell, there will be much more limited amount of work to do. But the physical process of moving shouldn't be the controlling factor in figuring out the appropriate timeframe IMO.
My parents moved when they were far too old to do it themselves. Like your mother, they depended on others to do the physical work.
If the OP can afford to hire help, she can move when she's 100.
If she is depending on her daughter to help, she better get organized now.
One of our friends have homes in several locations. Each has an in-law suite. In their main home, they rent out the in-law suite. In the other two homes, she keeps it for herself.
It had everything to do with her complaining about not hearing from her daughter.
Keep smacking yourself and maybe it’ll sink in.
She seems to have accepted she’s not close to the daughter and is focusing on the grandchildren. But sure if the op wants to have the focus on her relationship on her daughter and not on the original post so be it.
I don't understand why grandparents would postpone their retirement plans based on the grandchildren. I lived it, my parents moved from the town they, and we , lived in when our oldest was 3. My mother, like the OP, was hesitant to leave, but my father wanted to move south. Her allegiance was to the man she married, as it should be. He, in turn, promised to bring her to visit grandchildren at least twice a year, which was no small deal, since they had family across the country. But all the grandchildren had strong relationships with their grandparents, thanks to visits, letters, and phone calls.
What does your husband want to do OP? This should not be an individual decision, but the other party isn't a child, it's the man you are married to.
When I have shared with people the fact that my daughter won't answer my calls, etc., by young women around her age - but of a different culture - they are shocked. They tell me they call their mothers every day to just chat or ask for advice. And driving 30 minutes or a couple of hours to see them would be done at least every weekend.
Where I grew up and live now, it can take that long just to get across town in traffic. And my own parents took us to see grandparents or other elderly relatives nearly every weekend in cars without air conditioning and four kids.
I think it's a shift in our culture and I think part of it is our own fault. I think kids of divorced parents were spoiled, for one thing.
But, I see these "children" having plenty of time for social media, but no time to call Mom. It's sad. Because, they're training their own kids how to treat them when their own kids grow up. I dunno, maybe they just won't have any angst, themselves, about moving where they want to move, regardless of their own grandkids, though.
My dil doesn't answer the phone or and text messages are often ignored and we realized pretty quickly she doesn't want to have much a relationship other than letting us see the grandchildren. Likewise some adult children just don't want to be friends with their parents or have much to do with them and we can't force it. Telling a mother or father , well just pick up the phone ignores the possibility the adult children are doing it on purpose to set boundaries and some distance. It hurts, and yes it's sad, but that is just how some people are. In the case of the op it seems there however is no attempt to keep the grandchildren away from their grandparents, which is wonderful.
How old are your grandchildren usually by the time they reach twelfths they really don’t care about hanging around grandparents very much. You can tell your granddaughter that she can come and stay for parts of the summer quality versus quantity. Start communicating with your daughter through text. If she still does not want to relationship with you and really all she is doing is using you for babysitting. Life is short you should live it for yourself. Your grandchildren are the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. Sometimes you need to not be so accommodating or live in a less convenient place, to see who comes to you. instead of you always going to them. If they can’t be bothered coming to you then that should tell you where you are in their pecking order. Live your life accordingly
Which, of course, is completely self-centered and unreasonable.
Meh, it's the alternative to what the OP is apparently doing, which is being put-upon and not meeting her daughter where she's at. The OP said the emphasis on babysitting is more recent anyway.
Neither one of them are doing it right, but there's a reason the OP doesn't have a good relationship with her daughter. This does not sound like it's a brand-new issue.
You are so lucky to have a grandchild who adores you so much!
Make the move - you shouldn't adjust your life according to the needs of a child who is otherwise fine.
But you can then take the opportunity, first, to introduce her to the creative communication of letter-writing. Buy her some beautiful colorful notecards now, and in a few years buy her some personalized stationery with her name on it. It will help her later in life, as she'll be one of the few people left with writing skills. Second, you can take the opportunity to have her start traveling at an early age, giving her an early taste of independence.
OP, I'm a little confused about how often you see your grandkids. You said you see them pretty regularly, but then you said you don't see your daughter for weeks at a time. So, does that mean you only see your grandkids every few weeks?
If so, I think I would be miserable waiting around somewhere I didn't like living, waiting for my daughter to need a babysitter - a daughter that doesn't call to find out if I'm okay. To me, that would be a really miserable way to live.
It's too bad that you don't get to see the grandkids as often as you'd like. It's really great that they love you - goes to show you are a good person, so you don't have to worry about your daughter's behavior meaning that you aren't a good person. Mostly, grandchildren will be closer to grandparents if you keep connecting with and caring for them.
The grandkids will survive. You can call them a lot, call them on Skype or WhatsApp, send them lots of little fun gifts, and see them when they come to visit.
I think you should move. It will feel much better to be in control of your own happiness rather than waiting around for crumbs from your daughter. I know this first-hand. My daughter doesn't have kids, but it would be the exact same scenario as yours if she did. I have given up begging for crumbs and it feels much better. I'm sorry there are grandkids involved, but I think you can make sure they know you love them and want them to come visit. And remember that kids that age forget about you as soon as you are no longer in the room or on the phone, etc.
Just as a little example. I was a single working mom when my daughter was around your grandaughter's age, and she would cry like it was the end of the world when I dropped her off at daycare and it would just ruin my days with guilt. I had become friends with one of her daycare teachers and told her how I felt and she suggested that when I leave my daughter the next time I dropped her off, to simply go around the door where I would be leaving and hide there and listen. I did, and my daughter stopped crying right after I wasn't in sight. When I peeked into the daycare, she was happily playing with the other kids.
They don't understand time and distance at that age. And if she's used to only seeing you basically once a month, I just don't see how it's going to impact her life in a really huge way if she sees you a little less often.
Anyway, my vote is for you to go be happy in the town with your sister. You can always change your mind if it doesn't work out. But, I think your granddaughter will be fine and you deserve to be happy.
The bold part above is a very good idea. I was thinking of that too.
OP, move to where you like, enjoy your life when you can, and take good care of yourself and your DH. It's sad that you raised your child, and when she's grown up and not close to you. But it's good to be able to be independent, not to rely or expect anything from anyone. No expectation, no disappointment. If later your daughter thinks of you and wants to visit you more then that's a bonus.
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