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I have posted previously about my relationship with my 6 year old granddaughter and my almost 9 year old grandson. They have lived near us in Miami since birth. I’m used to seeing them pretty regularly although lately more so for babysitting when daughter and her husband want a date night or when they need to be picked up from school.
I don’t feel I have the greatest relationship with my daughter, although I’m not sure why. She can go weeks without communicating with me, other than if she needs babysitting, for weeks at a time . Although she lives close by, I rarely see her. I have been pretty ill without a call from DD inquiring as to how I am. It’s sad for me but I know from reading the forums that this is not too unusual these days. We do share in babysitting with her in laws, who are also very involved with our grandkids.
I have been wanting to move to Central Florida for many years now, I don’t like Miami, but I don’t know if it’s because I have a “grass is greener” mentality or some idealized notion of living in a smaller city.
DH and I are not very socially active either, other than with extended family, many live between 1-4 hours away. My 2 sisters locally work full time and although we speak daily, we only see each other at family functions. This is a long way of explaining that my retirement “idea”’had been to move to a small city in Central Florida where my youngest sister lives. I should add that my 2 sisters locally are relocating to this same city within a few years. DH doesn’t care where we live, he’s perfectly satisfied to remain locally or move, so this would be on me.
It’s close to Disney World, Tampa and other vacation locations and DD and her family travel there often as she and her husband take the kids, to the parks there or just go visit my youngest sister and her family there.
So DH and I have been seriously discussing whether to relocate there, while we’re young enough and in good health, sometime next year, after our current home is ready for sale. My little granddaughter heard me talking to youngest sister about our plans and became very sad to the point of tears.
I’m devastated, because I adore my grandkids and am unsure whether I’m considering doing is the right thing for us. Given that they so often go to Central Florida, and the fact that it’s not a mayor commute for us, to return for parties, games and school events regularly I didn’t think she would take it to heart, as she did.
Now I’m torn. We talked about that they could spend spring break with us, come for summer and we’d be visiting back and forth at least monthly and she was calmer, but insists she will miss me too much. To be honest there’s no particular reason that I need to move to this area, other than I’ve always have the idea that I would like to. I have no experience of living there, other than visiting regularly with my sisters family.
At this point, I’m so torn I feel like canceling the whole thing and just hanging around until she’s no longer interested in being with me. Any advice?
Last edited by mercedesmarcelina158; 06-07-2019 at 09:30 PM..
You keep saying “other than babysitting “ as if that’s nothing but obviously it is something to your granddaughter.
Stop fretting over your daughters’ lack of closeness and site on those grandkids.
Thank you, you’re right. Both kids do sleepovers “just because “ and are still enjoying spending time with us. I know my focus should be on that and not my relationship with my daughter. Honestly those kids mean the world to me, but I hadn’t realized how strongly attached they are. I think I’m not ready to be a long distance grandmother. And regardless of feeling used by my daughter at times, my relationship with those kids mean too much to me.
I can wait a few years or forever if needed. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
OP, I'm a little confused about how often you see your grandkids. You said you see them pretty regularly, but then you said you don't see your daughter for weeks at a time. So, does that mean you only see your grandkids every few weeks?
If so, I think I would be miserable waiting around somewhere I didn't like living, waiting for my daughter to need a babysitter - a daughter that doesn't call to find out if I'm okay. To me, that would be a really miserable way to live.
It's too bad that you don't get to see the grandkids as often as you'd like. It's really great that they love you - goes to show you are a good person, so you don't have to worry about your daughter's behavior meaning that you aren't a good person.
The grandkids will survive. You can call them a lot, call them on Skype or WhatsApp, send them lots of little fun gifts, and see them when they come to visit.
I think you should move. It will feel much better to be in control of your own happiness rather than waiting around for crumbs from your daughter. I know this first-hand. My daughter doesn't have kids, but it would be the exact same scenario as yours if she did. I have given up begging for crumbs and it feels much better. I'm sorry there are grandkids involved, but I think you can make sure they know you love them and want them to come visit. And remember that kids that age forget about you as soon as you are no longer in the room or on the phone, etc.
Just as a little example. I was a single working mom when my daughter was around your grandaughter's age, and she would cry like it was the end of the world when I dropped her off at daycare and it would just ruin my days with guilt. I had become friends with one of her daycare teachers and told her how I felt and she suggested that when I leave my daughter the next time I dropped her off, to simply go around the door where I would be leaving and hide there and listen. I did, and my daughter stopped crying right after I wasn't in sight. When I peeked into the daycare, she was happily playing with the other kids.
They don't understand time and distance at that age. And if she's used to only seeing you basically once a month, I just don't see how it's going to impact her life in a really huge way if she sees you a little less often.
Anyway, my vote is for you to go be happy in the town with your sister. You can always change your mind if it doesn't work out. But, I think your granddaughter will be fine and you deserve to be happy.
In a couple years you may not be physically up for that move and be stuck in a city you don’t like. The grandkids can still visit. Plus you won’t just be a daycare center for a daughter who appears to just be using you for that very purpose.
How often do you pick up the phone and reach out to your daughter?
That's the thing ... OP has mentioned many times that her daughter is "busy." My parents used to do that as well. They even said out loud, "We know you're busy, so we aren't going to call you. We will leave it up to you to call."
It puts ALL the pressure of taking the initiative to reach out on the daughter, which doesn't sound like a big deal and makes it easy to say from them on, "She only calls when she needs babysitting."
But guess what ... you know when you need babysitting? When you're BUSY.
It's like this endless cycle of guessing, miscommunicating, guilt and blame. And it sucks.
Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal, grandma, so hopefully you are reaching out to your daughter at times that you know aren't crunch times (dinner, morning get-out-the-door) and at least trying to share that emotional load of taking the initiative.
How often do you pick up the phone and reach out to your daughter?
Really sometimes family,including adult children don’t want a relationship and be friends with their parents or have much in common. The post is not about why her daughter chooses not to be close,it’s about whether the grandmother should or should not move.
I totally get that OP , I’d say tough it out a couple more years and cherish the precious time with your grandchildren. Meanwhile visit the area you’d like to move to and start planning.
I wouldn't change the decision about what I want to do based on what a 6 year old says. She doesn't understand all the nuances of what is going on.
That said, my in-laws live in Ocala, FL and we think it's horrible. It takes 15 minutes just to get out of their complex and another 10 minutes to reach what passes for civilization. We'd be more likely to visit them if they lived literally almost anywhere else in FL. At least you can have a nice vacation in Miami or any other city that has a coastline. We can't bear to be in the area for very long - an overnight at the maximum and even that isn't so great. We've visited Orlando and then drive to see them, about an hour away for the day. In the future we might stay near Jacksonville, the Space Coast, or Tampa and do a daytrip or two to see them while we enjoy a nicer vacation area. We probably won't do Orlando again for a few years because we've done all the parks and don't feel the need to do them again anytime soon. And I don't really see much else to do in Orlando.
I would probably stay in an area like Miami if it were near grandchildren. But I can understand if both sisters moved to another city and you are close with them and see them often that you might want to move where they are.
You should do what makes you happy. Your grandchildren will adjust.
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sometimes family,including adult children don’t want a relationship and be friends with their parents or have much in common. The post is not about why her daughter chooses not to be close,it’s about whether the grandmother should or should not move. 
