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Yep, I sure feel like 40 lbs of fat gain and tons of tears , well maybe they were a waste of time...however,
I am a human being who was also a Caregiver for 7 plus years, and in fact, to a dear person who was also my Mother.
I am here now because I am still sad, I am fragile, and I think that all of us who feel as I do should be able to post here without anyone out there giving us all a hard time.
You are not a waste of time, you are an angel who has earned her wings, baby. Bless you.
How do you deal with your grief and can anyone give me any pointers on how I can deal with mine any better because I feel like I am not dealing with it very well.
Thanks.
Cat
I am sure most people here will think this is a horrible idea, but I kept all my grief inside. I didn't talk about it, I don't think about it. I just have something to remember that person by and move on. My family understands we don't talk about the people that have passed away and everything is fine.
I have had the following deaths:
2 cats.
4 grandparents.
1 godmother.
1 goldfish.
See, if we talk about it, we'll think about him/her and all the what ifs. That's the first thing that comes up are the what ifs. After a few years, you might be able to bring person a,b,c back up without emotions, which is what we did do to one of the grandparents.
Another person I know cried off and on for 6 years because he kept thinking about the death and how he missed out on all this stuff, but he didn't. The person that died could have come around more often. He ended up crying over the what ifs and not missing the person. Two different things.
I am sure most people here will think this is a horrible idea, but I kept all my grief inside. I didn't talk about it, I don't think about it. I just have something to remember that person by and move on. My family understands we don't talk about the people that have passed away and everything is fine.
I have had the following deaths:
2 cats.
4 grandparents.
1 godmother.
1 goldfish..
This may work for some instances but let me tell you that when the person that died was very close to you and a vital part of your life, to never have anyone speak of them again is like denying that they existed at all or simply didn't matter very much
While some people are uncomfortable with bringing it up a friend of mine who's husband died told me she was very grateful for the opportunity to talk to me about him, that people ignoring the fact that he once 'was' felt like he had no more importance to her life than if she had just gotten rid of an old chair.
One of my friends lost her husband last year. My friend "stays busy" and avoids talking about her husband. This is what her family expects her to do...She doesn't seem to have permission to dwell on her loss. Or get too emotional...She doesn't want to be accused of having a "pity party." Her sisters might view her as weak or a "big baby" if she openly grieves...I feel sad for my friend but I can't change her family culture. So I accept and respect her "ways."...I feel comfortable talking about my husband and sons and other family members who died. Talking about them doesn't always make me cry. (Anymore.) But, I don't feel bad if I do shed a few tears...I enjoy talking about all of the "happy moments" we shared together.
It seems that in the last 6 years, my family has lost so many. It started in Feb. 2008 with the lost of my grandmother who was 99 1/2 years young. Yeah, it was hard losing her but she lived to a ripe age and I was able to handle it ok. Then in Nov. 2008, we lost my oldest sister. She was only 54 years old. While I wasn't that close to her, her death hit me super hard. I went into such a depression.
On April 11th, 2012, I lost my father & my husband's father-ON THE SAME DAY!!!! My father's sister died about 4 months before he did. Then one April 21st, 2013, I lost my mother.
One of my sisters has it even worse than I do. She lost her brother-in-law, & uncle-in-law who she & her husband were VERY close to.
I just feel like my grief weighs me down sometimes. I feel like I wear it every day. I try not to think about it but it is always there. And I am so afraid of losing my husband which I know will happen since he is 17 years my senior.
How do you deal with your grief and can anyone give me any pointers on how I can deal with mine any better because I feel like I am not dealing with it very well.
Thanks.
Cat
I can relate.
I just try to put one foot in front of the other, and cry when it's simply busting out of my chest. Sometimes I drive off to cry, that way I can cry, scream, and yell things without anyone thinking I'm insane or wanting to shut off my grief as if it were a faucet of my own making. People think that grief is something I'm bringing on myself, as if my loved ones had not really died, or as if they had been a piece of furniture I sold at a garage sale and I no longer think about it or feel it. I've begun to confront people head on and let them know that their comments to me hurt and anger me. Some have said to me, "Don't be angry at insensitive people, they're only at a loss for words." Or they say, "Don't be angry at them, they just don't know what to do or say to make you happy." Well, my response to that is that "they" are not the ones with the losses in their family, and they should at least make an effort to keep from opening their mouth unless they're quite sure they're not about to say something hurtful.
Anyway, that's what I'm doing these days, just trying to keep going. Sometimes I'm doing absolutely great, I laugh, do things, go places, am funny. Then all of a sudden the grief overtakes me by surprise when I realize once again for the thousandth time that my loved ones are not coming back to me, and the shock feels like the first time. At those times the last thing I want to hear out of someone else is "Oh they didn't suffer," or "But they are in a better place," or even, "You need to keep busy." Maybe over time I will be able to handle what I consider the insensitive comments made by others who would do much better to just keep silent.
Anyway, that's what I'm doing these days, just trying to keep going. Sometimes I'm doing absolutely great, I laugh, do things, go places, am funny. Then all of a sudden the grief overtakes me by surprise when I realize once again for the thousandth time that my loved ones are not coming back to me, and the shock feels like the first time. .
I had to check to see who this poster is that wrote this. I thought it was me.
I feel like I've made some progress when it comes to facing reality...I'm (definitely) not in the final "acceptance stage" yet. But, I seem to be headed in that direction even though I still have tears left to shed...Over the past few weeks, I've noticed some changes in myself. Each day, I seem to come into my "own" a little more. And this gives me hope! YEA!
I refuse to think about it. If I start to do so, I tell myself NO! Think of something else!. Thinking about sad things does not serve me in the present. It only brings me down and suppresses my immune system.
Everybody does it their own way. My way is not right for anyone but me.
20yrsinBranson
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