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Thank you all for posting, I've done the binge buying, drinking (still doing that - coming to realize I CAN'T do that as I have such an uncertain future (between those things, thinking about having to sell and move somewhere, who knows where, no income, disability if it ever comes through could be yrs. - can't get ACA so stuck paying $$$ for insurance....) - Sigh, denial was initial reaction, now I'm not sure how to describe - I keep crying, always had sleep problems - no clue if I'm depressed, feeling sorry for myself or what.
Just hoping that those of us going through something find comfort and peace.
Your last sentence...say that to YOURSELF. YOU deserve comfort and peace. Your loved one does not want you in sorrow. Your loved one wants you to smile, to live, to breathe, to enjoy every second of this life. Know that. I too did the drinking/spending thing years ago when my Mom died and it got very ugly. That's no way to honor your loved one. Please, treat yourself right. I wish you the best, your worth it.
Thank you Challenger - I'm sorry it took so long to get back to this thread. It might sound terrible but I think I'm in a better stage right now (although that might be another stage, who knows). I have cut down on the drinking (I'll still have a couple but then go a day, 2, 3, w/o)
There are people with low or no empathy... narcissistic... i knew someone like that - totally acted hateful to me. they dont get it. they dont understand, i am NOT sticking up for them - but to let you know to not let them get the victory over you, some people have no empathy and/or they haven't gone thru anything to allow them to feel what its like to be traumatized. they can be very charming but can be your worst nightmare when you need them and they refuse to help.
My husband is actually a lot like this. He isn't quite as bad, but he's made it clear when his parents die, he won't grieve much. He doesn't see the point. He has said when I go, he thinks he'll die shortly after. I do know he feels some sympathy for people in certain situations, but in others he is just not a very caring person like others. He lacks what I call "bedside manner". Although he says it's not that he doesn't care - he does very much care - he just doesn't have much in the way of "grief" or "dwelling" on things.
I do however agree that the post that generated this response is narcissistic and possibly a troll post. If that person doesn't need to grieve, then fine - but insinuating that those who do aren't "adult" and dismissing their feelings, is way out of line. That does sound a bit like my husband though "If it's not my way, it's wrong, it's stupid, and it's an over-reaction"
My husband is actually a lot like this. He isn't quite as bad, but he's made it clear when his parents die, he won't grieve much. He doesn't see the point. He has said when I go, he thinks he'll die shortly after.
Yeah I agree. So in one way, he won't grieve or cry when his parents die (not sure I believe him, how will he know?) but when I die he doesn't want to go on without me. But, I suppose everyone has their ways. I've lost grandparents, and I grieved as in I cried and let it out, but I usually move on. Grieving in general I feel better just letting it all out, then I can move on. I know a lot of people who for whatever reason feel like they are doing better by denial, holding in it - as if it makes the more "grown-up" or better... they tend to not have healthy relationships in the future, or do so well (like grieving the loss of a relationship, for example, or friendship - not death) when deep down I know they really don't feel that way. They try to convince themselves that they don't care and never did. I think its healthy to be honest with yourself, even if it means being vulnerable for a bit.
I let my grief do what it wanted to. I didn't try and deny it too many times. Now, 2 1/2 years later, I have more good days than bad. Trying to fall asleep sometimes is still rough.
I drank like a fish in the beginning but now I go months without one.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I grieved immediately for my parents, but with my husband, I had too much going on the first year or so (moving, selling the house, settling into a new house, and settling the estate which took almost two years) that I buried the grief and ate myself into 40 more pounds. When the dust settled, I had bottled the grief up for so long, I couldn't feel it anymore. Oh, I'd have weak moments, like when I drank too much wine, listened to "our" songs, or saw a really sad movie. But, usually I kept it bottled up. Now, coming up on the 5th anniversary, it's creeping up, like a sliver working its way free, and it's hitting me in the most inappropriate places like the grocery store, just driving along and a song on the radio will trigger a fit of heavy, deep sobs and I have to pull over. But, it's about time, so I just go with it and let it happen. I know I need to.
I went from hardly eating, to people trying to get me to eat, to eating too much. I, too, gained weight. And, the memories cut through me like a knife. I cry nearly every day. I'll never be happy again. I hate holidays with a passion now.
I grieved immediately for my parents, but with my husband, I had too much going on the first year or so (moving, selling the house, settling into a new house, and settling the estate which took almost two years) that I buried the grief and ate myself into 40 more pounds. When the dust settled, I had bottled the grief up for so long, I couldn't feel it anymore. Oh, I'd have weak moments, like when I drank too much wine, listened to "our" songs, or saw a really sad movie. But, usually I kept it bottled up. Now, coming up on the 5th anniversary, it's creeping up, like a sliver working its way free, and it's hitting me in the most inappropriate places like the grocery store, just driving along and a song on the radio will trigger a fit of heavy, deep sobs and I have to pull over. But, it's about time, so I just go with it and let it happen. I know I need to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess5
I went from hardly eating, to people trying to get me to eat, to eating too much. I, too, gained weight. And, the memories cut through me like a knife. I cry nearly every day. I'll never be happy again. I hate holidays with a passion now.
I had to stop listening to music on the car radio for over two years. I did not want to hear ANY music because it had gone out of my life. I'd just listen to all-news station or not turn the radio on. Never turned one on in the House except for some Zen music on my Direct Tv when I felt the need to calm down. Recently I have been able to listen to my new car's radio. Music, not news. Sirius XM 70's. I beebop around town now.
Holidays...I so hate them now too. I used to let them depress the heck out of me. Now I just go with the flow. Not having any family left helps with just ignoring them. I think this holiday season I will go back to "faking it" like I used to and try to pretend to be alright. The "faking it" does work. It couldn't for my old job (fast food) but it has otherwise.
TIME...TIME is what is needed. I never thought I could feel "normal" again without the heaviness that surrounded my heart back then. Never did I think I could wake up in the morning and be grateful that I had not died in my sleep but it has happened! My faith in GOD has brought me comfort and help also. All I had to do was ask. I'm not a church goer either. "GOD helps them who help themselves", to me is so true. You have to WANT to get better. You have to WANT to come out of the depression. You have to WANT to live again even if it's without your Love.
I send all my best wishes to all who are saddened by the death of your loved one.
I like to keep stuffing it and stuffing it until it leaks out at an inappropriate time 40 years later.
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- coming to realize I CAN'T do that as I have such an uncertain future (between those things, thinking about having to sell and move somewhere, who knows where, no income, disability if it ever comes through could be yrs. - can't get ACA so stuck paying $$$ for insurance....) - Sigh, denial was initial reaction, now I'm not sure how to describe - I keep crying, always had sleep problems - no clue if I'm depressed, feeling sorry for myself or what.
But, I suppose everyone has their ways. I've lost grandparents, and I grieved as in I cried and let it out, but I usually move on. Grieving in general I feel better just letting it all out, then I can move on. I know a lot of people who for whatever reason feel like they are doing better by denial, holding in it - as if it makes the more "grown-up" or better... they tend to not have healthy relationships in the future, or do so well (like grieving the loss of a relationship, for example, or friendship - not death) when deep down I know they really don't feel that way. They try to convince themselves that they don't care and never did. I think its healthy to be honest with yourself, even if it means being vulnerable for a bit.
