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Dont ever apologise for your post beng so long.. it shows what others can be like with not understanding and to be downright cruel... I cant imagine how sad a time youve had and are still going through and hope I never will.. its the worst grief that anyone can go through its unfair and terrible.. to lose a child.. I have a lovely online pal who lost a son when he drowned at age seven.. she had just emigrated to Austrialia in the 60s for a hopefully better life and he died on the second week after arrival.. She told me she thought she was going crazy with grief at one point... and shes never got over it since all those fifty years ago...wouldnt it be great to turn off our emotions and sadness with a tap... x
Time lessens the intensity of the pain, but we never get over it. I couldn't imagine losing my only child. I know of a woman that lost 3 of her 5 due to different circumstances and ages. I can't for the life of me imagine what her life must be like.
I can't figure out how to multi-quote...lol I did it yesterday! geeez
I'm so sorry about your nephew. I have to give you credit for just listening to your SIL. Somebody else may have told her off. She should have never said to you that it should have been one of your kids. That was so rude and hurtful! Even if she thought it, she should have kept her mouth shut. You're showing me another side of this story and I hope there aren't a lot of stories out here like yours where the grieving parent lashes out in anger at someone trying to help them.
We all need to "think" before we speak. Because we're hurting or angry doesn't give us the right to be nasty to other people.
Time lessens the intensity of the pain, but we never get over it. I couldn't imagine losing my only child. I know of a woman that lost 3 of her 5 due to different circumstances and ages. I can't for the life of me imagine what her life must be like.
I can't figure out how to multi-quote...lol I did it yesterday! geeez
I'm so sorry about your nephew. I have to give you credit for just listening to your SIL. Somebody else may have told her off. She should have never said to you that it should have been one of your kids. That was so rude and hurtful! Even if she thought it, she should have kept her mouth shut. You're showing me another side of this story and I hope there aren't a lot of stories out here like yours where the grieving parent lashes out in anger at someone trying to help them.
We all need to "think" before we speak. Because we're hurting or angry doesn't give us the right to be nasty to other people.
Thank you so much!
I didndt mind what she said , I knew she was in trauma from his death and so badly hurt... I sort of understood. and felt so much for her, still do all these years on. I remembed my next door neighbour and older gumpy woman who moaned about everything in life. maybe her past I dont know but she came to my door the morning Princess Diana was killed and Id been crying for the boys her sons..... I said t this woman isnt it awful about Diana and her sons.. she shrugged her shoulders and said.. "Oh dont worry about them theyve got plenty of money and no worries.. " what a horrible thing for her to say.. when those wee boys hearts wee broken so badly so it just shows how heartless some can be..
I have so much respect and compassion for those of you who have gone through such a horrible event in your lives. As a Parent, I can't begin to imagine the pain, anger, and loss that you must feel.......it would kill me if it were to happen to me. The fact that you are able to go on and try to make the best of it speaks volumes about how strong you are.
It is terrible when a Son or Daughter dies regardless of their age. My Dad died at 47 and I remember my Grandfather, who was in his 80's, sobbing like a baby and saying "Why not me, why did he die ??" It is not the way things are supposed to happen.
But I am a firm believer that we will all meet again one day. I wish all of you well.
Years ago there was a very sad accident in our town - it was a snowy day and late one afternoon when traffic was a bit heavy and the snow had died down but things were still slippery and icy, a young boy went out to ride his bike, down a steep hill onto a main street (I think his mother was working). He skidded right into a car, flew up onto the front window and was killed instantly. Naturally not only was his family incredibly upset but so was the driver who was consoled by the boy's mother as it really wasnt her fault, it was a total accident. I always gave his mother credit for being so understanding and taking the extra step in a horrible trying time in her life to console the driver, blaming her wouldnt have been right nor was it her fault at all, in any way, the bike came at her car very fast and sadly even the best driver couldn't have avoided hitting the boy.
Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization, a family member also lost a child and it's really helped them and they in turn have helped others alth. he did say it's very hard when you see a few of the same families come back twice over a period of time, who have lost children at separate times (usually accidents).
My husband's younger son died at 4 yrs old. He had two severe handicaps and had been through 3 major brain surgeries to implant a shunt and then 2 more to change them. Nicky would have been 22 and my husband still has days we call a "Nicky day" - meaning he is having a difficult time. It means I will be a little more gentle with him and understand if he seems distant.
He still blames himself for not knowing what to do when a shunt gets blocked.
When we lived in NY, we talked about creating a memorial garden for Nicky in our side yard. It always seemed to not be the right time. Then he retired and we moved here. Shortly after moving in, I purchased a dwarf pine tree and we planted it right in front of the house. We bought solar lights and the mini-Christmas tree is now the "Nicky tree". Christmas was Nicky's favorite time of year - he loved to look at all the decorated houses.
Every now and then, my husband will sit on the front steps and talk to Nicky while watching the tree lights blinking. I so want to go out and comfort him. Instead I go about my business and wait for him to come to me.
I lost a grandson at 2 days old. He never even got his name, never got to know his brothers and sisters. He never got to know me, although I got to hold him while he was very, very sick and weak.
We have a close family...I have 2 daughters and 6 grandchildren. We all circled the wagons, as a family. I think it brought us closer together. Nobody ever said anything mean or cruel to us; our neighbors and friends and extended family were all very kind to every one of us.
I think the other grandchildren were the least affected, and I am glad of it for them. They all live normal lives and seemingly never give "Baby X" a thought. 2 of them hadn't even been born yet, and likely don't even know.
Our daughter who was his mother, and our son-in-law who was his father, must have gone through hell, but they preferred not to speak of it. They are silent to this day. It's their way of coping, I guess. But there are nights when I imagine this white, waxy, ill child holding onto my hand, as if to lead me someplace secret. He was not my son, but I love all of my grandchildren.
First, my deepest condolences on your loss. No, I don't understand the depth of that pain, I've not been there. Loss of parents was one thing; devastating, but 'natural' in the course of life it seemed once I'd thought on it awhile. Untimely deaths from other causes, not at-all. Can't counsel on that, I'm not qualified.
PS: Personal Feelings, Grieving, and Work: Nuh Uh!
However, secondary to the thread: I don't talk about ghosts, 'signs', my religion, or any other personal detail at work beyond the basics. Yes, I too have ideas and feelings about the previous! They (colleagues) don't know my sexual preferences or dating habits, names of any family or partners, or much else other than the town I live in, same as everyone on C-D forum for that matter (Kirkland, WA). I do not know my closest peer's husband's name, she's never mentioned it and that's not my concern. My other peer's kid's names, likewise. Third peer, I heard he's married but didn't ask more than that.
Nor will I ever ask, if I work with them (in this particular org) one year or ten. I've been in that environment on and off a decade and a half. There is no upside to drama, only woe.
I know enough for us all to be cordial. Anything more leads to gossip, cliques, and it's all downhill from there as morale plummets. I am resisting going out with any of them for any event beyond our group morale events and a semi-annual team happy hour. If liquor ever starts to flow at these, I'm out of there almost instantly.
I once worked with a woman who confided in me a full year after the event she was at the end of a hideous divorce. I had no inkling. She liked and trusted me, professionally, so told me that nothing more. I expressed my condolences (sincere: I respected this person as a high-performance peer), and also complimented her professionalism for keeping game-face. We never spoke of it again. Her game face was just that good. I'm not quite that good, but in the years since I've made a strong effort to BE that good, all the time.
Anything else is inappropriate, leads to stress and drama, and will limit your career one way or another.
When my dad passed, not that many years ago, I kept up game face and discussed it with no one at work. Zero, people. That's for my personal life, commiseration and etc.
P.P.S: More On-Topic...
My peer's brother (younger) passed this week. Some sort of cancer, thus more awful than usual. My peer will be back in a couple weeks from dealing with the estate. I'll express my condolences again, but assume we'll get back to business. That's just how it is.
Just my $.02. Does not detract from first paragraph's sentiment.
The intent of this thread is for those of us that have suffered the loss of a child. I hope we can share our experiences with each other, and in doing so, educate others on what we go through trying to live our lives knowing that we were supposed to die before our children. I know that I made some mistakes during the first and second year, and by my mistakes in the grief process, maybe I can help a newly grieving parent avoid those mistakes. I'd also like to know what's most comforting to you and what was the rudest comment made to you. I've been blessed with so many good people during this journey. I believe that most people are kind to us, but sometimes things are said to us that are very hurtful. My heart goes out to all of us that have become "Members of a Club" that we never asked to join.
I have so much respect and compassion for those of you who have gone through such a horrible event in your lives. As a Parent, I can't begin to imagine the pain, anger, and loss that you must feel.......it would kill me if it were to happen to me. The fact that you are able to go on and try to make the best of it speaks volumes about how strong you are.
It is terrible when a Son or Daughter dies regardless of their age. My Dad died at 47 and I remember my Grandfather, who was in his 80's, sobbing like a baby and saying "Why not me, why did he die ??" It is not the way things are supposed to happen.
But I am a firm believer that we will all meet again one day. I wish all of you well.
Don
Don,
I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad at such a young age.
The first time I saw my Dad crying was when my brother committed suicide at age 15. We grieved his death as siblings, but the worse part was watching my Mom in so much pain and not knowing how to help her. Back then, the term "nervous breakdowns" was used and were were sure she was going to have one.
He was diabetic and weighed about 90 pounds. He was being bullied and had been "jumped" several times. My parents sent him for karate and also took him for counseling because he was acting out. One of our neighbors got into trouble and went to jail. He was violently sexually abused(I'll use that term for censoring purposes) He ended up hanging himself in jail and my little brother made the comment that if he ever got arrested that he would do the same thing. Well.... he got arrested and even though he was 15 and wore a medic alert bracelet, they put him in a cell and he had a belt on and hung himself. He was afraid.
Suicide is such a horrific type of death for ANYONE to have to deal with. My Mom & Dad did everything possible to help my bro, but he got himself into a situation and did what he said he'd do.
There's this "stigma" about it and people can be crude to say the least about it. It leaves a path of destruction for those closest. We did think it was going to kill my Mom. I think the fact that she had 6 other kids to take care of forced her to push on. We were raised with faith, and my Mom jumped into being so active in the church that I know that her faith and her willingness to help others helped her through her journey. Mom taught us that no matter what happens to us in life, somebody out there has it 10 times worse than we think out situation is.
It's so easy to call names and gossip about suicide. I was affected by it at age 17 and I tried to talk to people about it when I would hear them so freely giving out their ignorant opinions of it. I'll stop there. It's just another subject that people that don't have a clue about, but are experts at condemning the dead or the loved ones.
I've thought about it but would never do it because of what it would do to my family. There's times I wish I would just die in my sleep. My other son is going blind, so he may need me to drive his butt around when that happens and I only pray that I die before him.
In my blessings, I know Bobby's death could have been worse.
I think I would have been fine by now, not over it, but in a better place emotionally had the work incident not happened. I was doing well emotionally. Getting up and going to work gave me a purpose in life and that's important. I was great at my job. I'm a caring, honest person that has dignity. I've never blamed anyone for my problems in life, but I do blame my boss's emotional abuse of my situation for the interruption in my grieving process.
We wake up and pull strength from within to live again as anyone in the grieving process does. A parent has to re-invent themselves and I still haven't done that. I'm stuck emotionally but I keep fighting and I'll be okay.
A grieving parent grieves the broken dreams of that child. We grieve our own broken dreams of what we wanted for that child. I'll see a child that looks like Bobby did when he was young and wonder how his kids would have looked. I may never be a Grandparent. We do the best that we can.
You and I have the same views on things and I can't rep you again. I do thank you for your kind words and empathy to those of us put in this situation.
My husband's younger son died at 4 yrs old. He had two severe handicaps and had been through 3 major brain surgeries to implant a shunt and then 2 more to change them. Nicky would have been 22 and my husband still has days we call a "Nicky day" - meaning he is having a difficult time. It means I will be a little more gentle with him and understand if he seems distant.
He still blames himself for not knowing what to do when a shunt gets blocked.
When we lived in NY, we talked about creating a memorial garden for Nicky in our side yard. It always seemed to not be the right time. Then he retired and we moved here. Shortly after moving in, I purchased a dwarf pine tree and we planted it right in front of the house. We bought solar lights and the mini-Christmas tree is now the "Nicky tree". Christmas was Nicky's favorite time of year - he loved to look at all the decorated houses.
Every now and then, my husband will sit on the front steps and talk to Nicky while watching the tree lights blinking. I so want to go out and comfort him. Instead I go about my business and wait for him to come to me.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I applaud you for the support you give your husband when he has his moments. You're a kind and compassionate person for giving him the space he needs.
I can't speak on having a handicapped or sick child, and I can't imagine having to go through what those parents do. My heart breaks when I see people in those situations. It's 18 years and he will always hurt for Nicky.
The Nicky tree surely gives him comfort and I want to do the "memorial garden" or something also.
I had a big ole oak tree in my back yard that Bobby & his friends would climb and play in when he was 11 and older. I would go out on my deck and remember the times he played in that tree and loved spending time out there after he died. The roots were coming up through the grass and moving toward my garage and I decided to have the tree cut down before the roots damaged my garage. The day they were coming to take down the tree, I went out there and admired the tree and all of my memories of him playing in it. I cried like a baby. I said I was going to put in a memorial garden for Bobby where the tree was, but I haven't done it yet. My goal is to finally clean out his bedroom, that will hurt, but it's part of the healing process.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Last edited by cam1957; 03-25-2015 at 04:07 AM..
Reason: wording
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The fact that you are able to go on and try to make the best of it speaks volumes about how strong you are.
I'm sorry
