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/\ What Cam said. I have a best friend I've known nearly 40 years, who lost a son tragically - he was only 6 years old, he was hit by a car. I was there right after it happened, it was in '93 and I still grieve with her. I loved him like he was my own son and writing this post brings me to tears. Best you can do is to just be there for the grieving parents - you don't have to say anything, just be there and give strength!
I'm so sorry for your loss and the tragic death of a small child is unimaginable to me.
Thank you for backing me up on what not to say to a grieving parent. You are right that just being there and giving them strength is more than words can say.
I wish you and his Mom strength to get through the journey.
"Losing a child is like coming to a fork in the road of your life. You never expect nor plan on finding this fork, yet there it is right in front of you. Unlike most forks though, there is an obstacle blocking one of the paths, the path which was life as you knew it. You can't turn around and go back. There is no way around it, and you will most definitely never get over it. Now your choice is to stay at this intersection or to continue down the only path available. Staying put most certainly gets you nowhere, but continuing down the other path seems impossible as well. I choose to continue down the path knowing that I can still see that other path and the life that could have been. I know that my son would want me to continue down this path as well and that if at anytime I stumble down this path, I can look over and see him encouraging me to get back up and keep going."
"Losing a child is like coming to a fork in the road of your life. You never expect nor plan on finding this fork, yet there it is right in front of you. Unlike most forks though, there is an obstacle blocking one of the paths, the path which was life as you knew it. You can't turn around and go back. There is no way around it, and you will most definitely never get over it. Now your choice is to stay at this intersection or to continue down the only path available. Staying put most certainly gets you nowhere, but continuing down the other path seems impossible as well. I choose to continue down the path knowing that I can still see that other path and the life that could have been. I know that my son would want me to continue down this path as well and that if at anytime I stumble down this path, I can look over and see him encouraging me to get back up and keep going."
I think so too Tami. I found it a couple of years ago on the TCF page and printed it because I was so touched by it. I just came across it and thought I'd share. :-)
You know since you wrote that, it really can apply to anyone that lost a loved one and I can see how you can apply it to your husband. It is a beautiful and positive way to refer to in our journey.
You know since you wrote that, it really can apply to anyone that lost a loved one and I can see how you can apply it to your husband. It is a beautiful and positive way to refer to in our journey.
That is exactly who I was thinking of, cam. I was thinking it could be applied to any and everyone on this road. I like how even after all this time, it did make me feel positive. Thanks for posting it.
Right at the start of my wife's 6th month of pregnancy with twins, she suddenly went into labor. We had been at the doctor's earlier that day and he had done an ultrasound probe. There was a kind of oh-oh moment during the procedure but he assured us that everything was OK. Later on that afternoon she started to spot and a call to the Dr. assured her that everything was all right. Around 10 pm that night, she tells me, the babies are coming..........she didn't have a doubt. I humored her and we drove to the hospital. All the while thinking, this isn't possible, must be cramps or something. Turns out, she was right. She was in labor at 24 weeks and the babies were coming in spite of the hospital's best attempts to forestall things. Long story short, they were born by cesarean......just into their 24th week.
It was after that the hell started. Because they were born so young, they were placed in isolettes in the newborn intensive care unit (NICU) where everyday is a non-stop rollercoaster ride between hope and despair. Maybe things have gotten better as far as caring for children that young in the 10 years since their birth but at the time, it was touch and go from the start. We practically lived in that NICU......there's no such thing as time there and parents have 24 hour access so nearly every waking moment was spent at their side.
I was lucky when it came to my job. When all this happened I was a lead foreman at a good sized construction company and the owner gave me all the time I needed, he even paid me for the first 2 months I was out. One of the biggest mistakes I made was staying out too long. We'd planned to have my wife stay out of work for at least the first 4 or 5 years after they were born, so she wasn't working at the time. So we sat, holed up in our new apartment, cutting ourselves off from the world. The longer we stayed there, the longer I stayed out of work, the worse it became. I started to dread going back to work and facing the 30+ guys I worked with.......because I knew, even though they were mostly the "macho" construction types, most would feel obligated to offer something. It's human nature. When I finally went back after 14 weeks off, it was rough. Nobody knew what to say, some people avoided me entirely. This wasn't a surprise though, we'd already run into that with my wife's large extended family. It wasn't meant to be hurtful, some people just can't deal with that type of social interaction.....and I can certainly relate.
Well.......I'd isolated for too long and for whatever reasons, I couldn't effectively do my job anymore. Only a handful of my guys treated me the same way as before, the rest either treated me with kid gloves or avoided me entirely. I tried to make things work but the real estate market was sinking like a rock, work was slow and I'd lost that certain something that made me a leader there.........so I eventually quit. I reasoned that my wife needed me more anyway. She, beyond any sense of reason, assumed the responsibility of their deaths and was beyond consolation. She had said many times during her 6 month pregnancy that the babies growing in her womb had made her feel complete. She was looking toward a future that entirely consisted of being a mom to our boys.
So..........what do you say to somebody in that situation? What you don't say are things like; "it's god's will or, "part of His plan." When speaking to parent's who've lost an infant, you never, ever say; "at least you didn't have to live with them having problems then dying when they were 5 or 6." We actually heard this, or a variation of it more than once.
I realize that my wife and are part of a smaller club within the club that nobody asks to join so our circumstances might be a little different but I think the same basic rules still apply. It's an awkward situation, people want to help, people feel bad and they feel obligated to say something but in reality, there is nothing that can be said that will be of any comfort at all. The best thing you can do is offer condolences and say, "if you need me, I'll be there" and end it with that.
That was ten years ago. On one hand it seems like a lifetime has passed since all this happened, on the other hand, some things have stayed fresh. My wife has been in therapy for depression and PTSD for years now with little success. None of their magical pharmaceutical concoctions have helped at all. I have been told that I also have PTSD but I can deal. We are probably co-dependant at this point but we consider it a small miracle that our marriage survived at all let alone our sanity. I think for a long time we just gave up on life in general. It's almost like we unconsciously decided, that's it, we've had enough, we're not going to participate anymore. It's only been in the last few years that we've decided to try and rejoin the human race but it's a long road back.
I didn't mean for all this to come out here. Telling the story wasn't really my intention when I decided to reply to this thread..........it just sort of came out. Writing about it used to be a cathartic process for me, I guess it still is. The one thing I'd add to the advice given in these posts is; Don't ask people you hardly know if they have any children. It's a fairly innocuous question but for any parent that's lost a child, it's a loaded one as well.......besides, you might not like the answer. People that do have children will let you know about them soon enough.
If you've made it to the end of this post, I thank you for your indulgence. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.
Right at the start of my wife's 6th month of pregnancy with twins, she suddenly went into labor. We had been at the doctor's earlier that day and he had done an ultrasound probe. There was a kind of oh-oh moment during the procedure but he assured us that everything was OK. Later on that afternoon she started to spot and a call to the Dr. assured her that everything was all right. Around 10 pm that night, she tells me, the babies are coming..........she didn't have a doubt. I humored her and we drove to the hospital. All the while thinking, this isn't possible, must be cramps or something. Turns out, she was right. She was in labor at 24 weeks and the babies were coming in spite of the hospital's best attempts to forestall things. Long story short, they were born by cesarean......just into their 24th week.
It was after that the hell started. Because they were born so young, they were placed in isolettes in the newborn intensive care unit (NICU) where everyday is a non-stop rollercoaster ride between hope and despair. Maybe things have gotten better as far as caring for children that young in the 10 years since their birth but at the time, it was touch and go from the start. We practically lived in that NICU......there's no such thing as time there and parents have 24 hour access so nearly every waking moment was spent at their side.
I was lucky when it came to my job. When all this happened I was a lead foreman at a good sized construction company and the owner gave me all the time I needed, he even paid me for the first 2 months I was out. One of the biggest mistakes I made was staying out too long. We'd planned to have my wife stay out of work for at least the first 4 or 5 years after they were born, so she wasn't working at the time. So we sat, holed up in our new apartment, cutting ourselves off from the world. The longer we stayed there, the longer I stayed out of work, the worse it became. I started to dread going back to work and facing the 30+ guys I worked with.......because I knew, even though they were mostly the "macho" construction types, most would feel obligated to offer something. It's human nature. When I finally went back after 14 weeks off, it was rough. Nobody knew what to say, some people avoided me entirely. This wasn't a surprise though, we'd already run into that with my wife's large extended family. It wasn't meant to be hurtful, some people just can't deal with that type of social interaction.....and I can certainly relate.
Well.......I'd isolated for too long and for whatever reasons, I couldn't effectively do my job anymore. Only a handful of my guys treated me the same way as before, the rest either treated me with kid gloves or avoided me entirely. I tried to make things work but the real estate market was sinking like a rock, work was slow and I'd lost that certain something that made me a leader there.........so I eventually quit. I reasoned that my wife needed me more anyway. She, beyond any sense of reason, assumed the responsibility of their deaths and was beyond consolation. She had said many times during her 6 month pregnancy that the babies growing in her womb had made her feel complete. She was looking toward a future that entirely consisted of being a mom to our boys.
So..........what do you say to somebody in that situation? What you don't say are things like; "it's god's will or, "part of His plan." When speaking to parent's who've lost an infant, you never, ever say; "at least you didn't have to live with them having problems then dying when they were 5 or 6." We actually heard this, or a variation of it more than once.
I realize that my wife and are part of a smaller club within the club that nobody asks to join so our circumstances might be a little different but I think the same basic rules still apply. It's an awkward situation, people want to help, people feel bad and they feel obligated to say something but in reality, there is nothing that can be said that will be of any comfort at all. The best thing you can do is offer condolences and say, "if you need me, I'll be there" and end it with that.
That was ten years ago. On one hand it seems like a lifetime has passed since all this happened, on the other hand, some things have stayed fresh. My wife has been in therapy for depression and PTSD for years now with little success. None of their magical pharmaceutical concoctions have helped at all. I have been told that I also have PTSD but I can deal. We are probably co-dependant at this point but we consider it a small miracle that our marriage survived at all let alone our sanity. I think for a long time we just gave up on life in general. It's almost like we unconsciously decided, that's it, we've had enough, we're not going to participate anymore. It's only been in the last few years that we've decided to try and rejoin the human race but it's a long road back.
I didn't mean for all this to come out here. Telling the story wasn't really my intention when I decided to reply to this thread..........it just sort of came out. Writing about it used to be a cathartic process for me, I guess it still is. The one thing I'd add to the advice given in these posts is; Don't ask people you hardly know if they have any children. It's a fairly innocuous question but for any parent that's lost a child, it's a loaded one as well.......besides, you might not like the answer. People that do have children will let you know about them soon enough.
If you've made it to the end of this post, I thank you for your indulgence. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.
Catdancer,
I'm so very sorry to you and your wife for the loss of your twin boys. I can't begin to imagine the heartache that you both endured during the time they were in the NICU and really up until the past few years.
I haven't walked in your or your wife's shoes losing twin babies shortly after birth, but we do follow the same basic rules. Even if you feel you're a smaller part of the club, it's probably because you haven't had experience with other parents in your situation. When I was in the early mourning stages and went onto the TCF site everyday, I couldn't believe how many people had lost babies and it broke my heart. The site helped me in the beginning, but it's gut wrenching now to see all of the hurting parents and I only go there every so often. We're not supposed to bury our babies regardless of what age they are and my heart goes out to you and your wife.
I'm thankful that you shared this experience with us as that was the intent of this thread. You're educating people on what not to say to parents that lost babies. You've also educated me and I thank you for that!
We all mourn our children in the same manner, but the length and damage varies widely. Some people never recover. I'm so sorry that the beginning of the journey for both you and your wife has been such a tremendous tragedy for you. I am happy to know that you both are trying to consciously re-enter life. You are doing what is best for you in your own time. Your marriage survived this and I know you're a strong couple because of hurting and trying to heal together. Many couples aren't on the same page with the grief and they end up splitting up. I commend both of you for loving and understanding each other during the most difficult time in your lives.
I was in grief counseling and on meds from the 8th month after my son died. I was actually doing well on my grief journey and maybe that's because I watched my Mom grieve my brother when I was 17 and the fact that I know his death could have been worse emotionally. It was 18 mos. after his death that I walked out of work, but when I found out my boss was using my grief as her scapegoat to cover up her lie as to why I quit, my grief stopped and anger took over. I questioned my therapist as to whether or not I could have PTSD because I'd done enough research on Workplace Bullying and she told me NO. She said they were both the same thing... I quit going to her and went to another therapist and she told me I couldn't have PTSD over the work incident that it only happened to Vets or people that had tragic accidents. I went into a black hole for the past 4 years and just prayed to die every night. I only did what was necessary in life. Although I thought of my son every day and missed him, I couldn't cry for him. I felt like my boss robbed me of my grief and I felt so guilty for allowing that anger to interrupt and replace my grief.
Something happened in Feb. and I had a meltdown from something that happened in my childhood and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I went for specialized counseling for that incident and had to attend workshops before the counseling started. I asked the speaker of the PTSD workshop if I could have had it from my work situation and she said most definitely. I've been able to mourn my son in the manner he deserves again and I can cry for him again. It's been 5 years now and I'm re-entering my grief journey and I welcome it with open arms. My therapist is counseling me for both of my traumas. I see light where there was only darkness. I don't pray to die anymore since this therapist. This counseling is totally different from what either of the other 2 counselors did with me.
If your wife isn't feeling the counseling is helping her, I'm going to make a suggestion because in my eyes I wasted my and my insurance company's money on counselors that weren't well enough educated on PTSD. Have her call your local rape hotline and ask for a referral to someone that specializes in PTSD. Many of the counselors that work there open up their own private practices and they most definitely are qualified in treating PTSD. I've only had 4 sessions so far and I feel like a new person. I'm getting the help that I need. That black hole is gone and I see hope, although I know I'll never be the same person I was before my son died, but none of us are. I want your wife to get the proper treatment and hopefully feel as I do now. I do advocate for counseling, but if you're not feeling better, it's just not the right counselor. I have weekly assignments to do, but that's part of understanding and healing.
Thank you so much for contributing your story to this thread. You definitely taught me what "not to say" as I'm sure it will help others.
I wish you and your wife much healing on this lifelong journey that we wanted no part of...
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