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The intent of this thread is for those of us that have suffered the loss of a child. I hope we can share our experiences with each other, and in doing so, educate others on what we go through trying to live our lives knowing that we were supposed to die before our children. I know that I made some mistakes during the first and second year, and by my mistakes in the grief process, maybe I can help a newly grieving parent avoid those mistakes. I'd also like to know what's most comforting to you and what was the rudest comment made to you. I've been blessed with so many good people during this journey. I believe that most people are kind to us, but sometimes things are said to us that are very hurtful. My heart goes out to all of us that have become "Members of a Club" that we never asked to join.
When people talk about their loss, very rarely does the word “gratitude” work its way into the conversation. However, when the souls talk about their lives on ...earth, “gratitude” is a very important word to them. While the souls’ vision is much more clear than ours at this point in our journey, we have to trust that they’re on to something when they speak about how grateful they are, even in our grief.
One of the most important points the souls will make is how much they thank us for not only the time they had with us on the earth, but for being so good to them prior to their passing, and even helping to make the transition that much easier. But they go even further than that--they thank us for understanding--even if that understanding is shaky and tenuous right now. They thank us for things like loving them enough to allow them to go to their world of joy, and for having enough faith to know that they do, in fact, go ahead of us to a beautiful place, and they thank us for trying hard not to become embittered by their passing, and trying our level best to walk on without them. They have a lot to be grateful for, because they know fully well how hard it is for us, and how hard it has been. So their gratitude flows with the ease of their new-found life--with love, respect, and honor.
How can we find gratitude when we feel everything has been taken from us. It’s not easy, but it is possible. It’s hard to say “thank you” when you feel you’ve been slapped so hard by life that nothing is the same again. But that’s exactly the time we have to look within and find something inside ourselves to hold onto. And it might as well be gratitude for all we have been given, even if we don't completely realize it. Yet.
We can be grateful for the amount of days--however few--we spent laughing, smiling and loving with those we hold so dear. We can be grateful for having been a force in their lives--a teacher, friend, a student, a partner--we’ve both learned from and taught our loved ones well. We can be grateful for the time we helped them as they helped us in life. And we can be most grateful that we were there at the most special time--their transition to a new world.
The souls are so grateful to have us in their life. We need to find a way to be grateful for having been in theirs. The memories, the laughter, the good and bad times--they make us grateful that every moment was filled with something beautiful, and those memories will carry us the rest of our lives until we see them again--something we will be the most grateful for. Live life with gratitude and every ounce of that beauty will return to you.
I am blessed everyday and I acknowledge him everyday for his love for 21 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by seethelight
When people talk about their loss, very rarely does the word “gratitude” work its way into the conversation. However, when the souls talk about their lives on ...earth, “gratitude” is a very important word to them. While the souls’ vision is much more clear than ours at this point in our journey, we have to trust that they’re on to something when they speak about how grateful they are, even in our grief.
One of the most important points the souls will make is how much they thank us for not only the time they had with us on the earth, but for being so good to them prior to their passing, and even helping to make the transition that much easier. But they go even further than that--they thank us for understanding--even if that understanding is shaky and tenuous right now. They thank us for things like loving them enough to allow them to go to their world of joy, and for having enough faith to know that they do, in fact, go ahead of us to a beautiful place, and they thank us for trying hard not to become embittered by their passing, and trying our level best to walk on without them. They have a lot to be grateful for, because they know fully well how hard it is for us, and how hard it has been. So their gratitude flows with the ease of their new-found life--with love, respect, and honor.
How can we find gratitude when we feel everything has been taken from us. It’s not easy, but it is possible. It’s hard to say “thank you” when you feel you’ve been slapped so hard by life that nothing is the same again. But that’s exactly the time we have to look within and find something inside ourselves to hold onto. And it might as well be gratitude for all we have been given, even if we don't completely realize it. Yet.
We can be grateful for the amount of days--however few--we spent laughing, smiling and loving with those we hold so dear. We can be grateful for having been a force in their lives--a teacher, friend, a student, a partner--we’ve both learned from and taught our loved ones well. We can be grateful for the time we helped them as they helped us in life. And we can be most grateful that we were there at the most special time--their transition to a new world.
The souls are so grateful to have us in their life. We need to find a way to be grateful for having been in theirs. The memories, the laughter, the good and bad times--they make us grateful that every moment was filled with something beautiful, and those memories will carry us the rest of our lives until we see them again--something we will be the most grateful for. Live life with gratitude and every ounce of that beauty will return to you.
George Anderson
I'm sorry that my first post about my son's death was so long and negative regarding what work had done to me and I was bitter regarding that circumstance. I was bitter because my boss emotionally abused me on & off for 11 years but when she used my grief as a scapegoat, my grief for him stopped. I went to 2 different therapists for three years and had done enough research on workplace bullying to know that it can cause PTSD. I questioned both therapists as to if I could have PTSD and they both told me NO. I continued in that dark place for 3 years and quit going for therapy as I was only being treated for depression and I only existed in life praying for death every day.
An event in my life that happened almost 50 years ago roared it's ugly head to me in February and I was diagnosed by my PC, psychiatrist and also therapist as having PTSD from something that happened when I was a child. I'm now going to specialized counseling for that event. Through this current counseling, I've learned that my workplace bullying did cause me PTSD 3 years ago, yet my therapists weren't educated enough to treat me for it.
I lost 3 years of the grieving process due to the misdiagnosed depression. I'm now able to pick up at the 19th month after his death to grieve him in the manner he deserves.
I look at this current diagnosis as a blessing in disguise as it brought out every emotion in my being.
My grief is back and I welcome it with open arms. I have faith and I believe that God gave me this situation now because it's when I need healing the most. I will take the tools given to me by these wonderful people that specialize in this area to rebuild my life and continue with my grief process, but I see a life again.
I have thanked my son every day since he died for loving me for 21 years. I've thanked God for allowing me to have him that long. I'm going to re-post my second post which I see as blessings, but are also gratitude. My first post should have been titled the ugly side of grief as I stated in my second post.
Quote:
I should have titled the above post The Ugly Side of Grief.
Now onto the Blessings:
I was blessed to have had him 21 yrs. (some parents aren't that lucky)
I was blessed that he was a kind, caring, considerate and loving young man
I was blessed to have been his Mom
I was blessed that he died at home and the cause of his death was toxic poisoning due to alcohol and chemical combo.
It wasn't an illegal drug, he may haven taken a pain pill of mine or even bought something off of the street.
I'm blessed because his death could have been so much worse. My brother committed suicide when he was 15 and I was 17 and that just about killed my Mom. I can't imagine being the parent of a murdered, sick and dying, or even missing child.
I'm blessed because I got to see him graduate high school and Boot Camp and be "in love"
I remember when he first came home on leave from the Navy he said to me, "Hey Mom, ya know what I missed most about home? You singing and your chocolate chip cookies!"
My fondest memory of him was when I was having a rough time at work and this was right before he died. I must have been complaining and he said "Come over here and gimme a hug, now squeeze harder, more Mom, squeeze me until it's gone!"
He used to tell me that when he got married he was going to build me a lil house and take me with them. lol
I was so very blessed to have had him love me for 21 years.
Gratitude is part of the process. Feeling grateful for loving and being loved in return. For our cherished memories. Yet there is still the sadness to work through. It's not an easy process even when there is the world of support from family, friends and workplace and a straight forward passing of old age. Grief gets more complicated or even stunted as Cam has described when the process goes awry somehow or when the death is traumatic and untimely. I wish you the best OP and all of us dealing with the grieving process.
Gratitude is part of the process. Feeling grateful for loving and being loved in return. For our cherished memories. Yet there is still the sadness to work through. It's not an easy process even when there is the world of support from family, friends and workplace and a straight forward passing of old age. Grief gets more complicated or even stunted as Cam has described when the process goes awry somehow or when the death is traumatic and untimely. I wish you the best OP and all of us dealing with the grieving process.
Gratitude is important in all aspects of life, but it does help to ease the pain a little of the grief knowing you had much to be grateful for during the life of one you've loved. Being able to be grateful for the time you had with them, but knowing that someone is in a much worse situation than we are helps to ease the burden when you're able to do both. I was taught that belief by my Mom, that had gone through much heartache in her life.
Thank you so much for your kind words and I also wish you tender healing.
Although I also lost a son, I have accepted it as just one more of life's tragedies, meaning that I am not as actively sad and "devastated" as many mothers are today who have had children who have died. I am thinking of all those mothers now, today, on Mothers Day, and my eyes are filled with tears of grief and sympathy for your loss, which very few can understand who have not experienced it.
Although to say "Happy Mother's Day" might be awful under the circumstances, I do want you to know that there are probably MANY of your friends and relatives who are thinking of you today with love and sympathy, although they might not know the proper way to express it.
I know exactly how you feel. If you haven't lost a child, you don't have the right to say that.
Get over it. I haven't had this said to me, but other parents have. One of the parents on the TCF site replied back with, "If one of your children died tomorrow, which one would you "get over" the quickest?"
He/She is better off. Sometimes a hug would be better than words. I'm sorry is good enough for us.
At least you have other kids. They're aware they have other kids, but are hurting for the one that died.
You're young, you can have another one. Those aren't comforting words to someone that just lost a baby or small child.
I understand that people are trying to comfort us, but the above mentioned words hurt more than they help. The first one above is the only one that applies to me, but the others were from other grieving parents.
What things were said to you as a grieving parent that hurt more than they did good?
/\ What Cam said. I have a best friend I've known nearly 40 years, who lost a son tragically - he was only 6 years old, he was hit by a car. I was there right after it happened, it was in '93 and I still grieve with her. I loved him like he was my own son and writing this post brings me to tears. Best you can do is to just be there for the grieving parents - you don't have to say anything, just be there and give strength!
Although I also lost a son, I have accepted it as just one more of life's tragedies, meaning that I am not as actively sad and "devastated" as many mothers are today who have had children who have died. I am thinking of all those mothers now, today, on Mothers Day, and my eyes are filled with tears of grief and sympathy for your loss, which very few can understand who have not experienced it.
Although to say "Happy Mother's Day" might be awful under the circumstances, I do want you to know that there are probably MANY of your friends and relatives who are thinking of you today with love and sympathy, although they might not know the proper way to express it.
I am wishing love and peace for all of us.
Thank you so much for your beautiful post.
I am sorry for the loss of your son and my heart goes out to you. I know it couldn't have been an easy day for you either, or any other Mother's here that like you say, we are the only ones that can truly understand what this loss is like.
Your tears for others speaks volumes and I deeply appreciate your heartfelt message to all of us.
Wishing you strength.
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I am blessed everyday and I acknowledge him everyday for his love for 21 years
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