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My sister's eldest son died after huffing when he was 15, just shy of his 16th birthday in August. She became quite ill and didn't work for a few years. Not that I was OK with any of it, but the thing that bothered me for months, years, was the fact that she wouldn't sent him to live with me that summer. He'd nearly failed 9th grade and started hanging out with a group of boys who were known to get into trouble.
I don't know why she didn't send him to me. I felt very angry, not at her, that I couldn't rewrite history. I was so sure that I could have changed things, made a difference. Well, that was my problem.
My sister's eldest son died after huffing when he was 15, just shy of his 16th birthday in August. She became quite ill and didn't work for a few years. Not that I was OK with any of it, but the thing that bothered me for months, years, was the fact that she wouldn't sent him to live with me that summer. He'd nearly failed 9th grade and started hanging out with a group of boys who were known to get into trouble.
I don't know why she didn't send him to me. I felt very angry, not at her, that I couldn't rewrite history. I was so sure that I could have changed things, made a difference. Well, that was my problem.
I'm so very sorry for the death of your nephew. It was more than kind of you to offer to take him for the summer. My heart goes out to you and I would probably also had a host of emotions that you had. You have to give yourself credit for jumping in and wanting to help. Not everyone would have been so pro-active in trying to help your sister out with your nephew.
I'm sure your sis has also re-done every scenario possible in her head and I'm willing to bet she suffers from the guilt of not sending him to spend the summer with you. I don't know the whole situation, but he may have fought her on the idea and she gave in to him.
It's always so hard not to think of the "what ifs" even years after they've died.
I hope that you have comfort in your heart knowing that you wanted to help and were willing to spend the summer with him in the hopes of getting him away from the crowd.
Many Mothers that lose their kids often don't return to work after such a tragic death. It's very common and some lose their jobs because of it. I wanted to continue to work until I retired, but I was in a hostile work environment and quit because of workplace bullying.
I hope that you and your sis have gotten past this. I'm sure you both share the same attitude of not being able to re-write history. Know that your pain is real. If you have a teen, then you know how difficult they can be and I applaud you for opening up your heart and home to try to help him.
I don't know where I'd be without the love and support of my sisters because we experienced the grief of our Mom when our brother died. It literally rips a parent into pieces. Some people are able to get through it more quickly than others. None of us are ever the same person we were before our child died.
Thank you for posting and having such a loving heart.
"The most beautiful people we have ever known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have pulled themselves out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen."
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I actually wanted to leave this beautiful quote/saying alone because it speaks volumes of the many tragedies people face in life and the opening of the heart to more compassion, empathy and understanding of others facing tragic situations in life.
You didn't post a story, but my heart feels you may have had much suffering in your life to post this beautiful message. I can't get it out of my mind.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart for adding this beautiful quote to the discussion.
I lost my daughter(I was young when I had her). She was young( I don't like to go into details or talk about her death, but will say, I held her as she passed on)
I wish back then, I had support. I was alone... To this day, I grieve her. Her birthday is always the hardest on me.
It took years for me to move forward, to allow myself to have more children - 11 years to be exact. I moved away after she passed - just drifting around to find myself. I did eventually open myself up, to allow others in and it has helped.
The pain is still there. I can't ever tell someone how to grieve or get over it. There is no way. Not as a parent who has a child that dies... A parent shouldn't lose a child - ever, but it happens..
I lost my daughter(I was young when I had her). She was young( I don't like to go into details or talk about her death, but will say, I held her as she passed on)
I wish back then, I had support. I was alone... To this day, I grieve her. Her birthday is always the hardest on me.
It took years for me to move forward, to allow myself to have more children - 11 years to be exact. I moved away after she passed - just drifting around to find myself. I did eventually open myself up, to allow others in and it has helped.
The pain is still there. I can't ever tell someone how to grieve or get over it. There is no way. Not as a parent who has a child that dies... A parent shouldn't lose a child - ever, but it happens..
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. My heart goes out to you and I respect you not wanting to talk about it. I'm so sorry that you were alone in your grief. I can't imagine what you must have gone through.
My grief was interrupted 18 mos. after my son died and I've been living in a dark place of anger for the past 3 years because of something else. Something happened in the past couple of months to cause PTSD for me and every emotion inside of me came spewing out and my grief is back and I welcome it with open arms. I'm again grieving him in the manner he deserved to be grieved.
Last week was his birthday and 4 days later was 5 yrs. since his death. It was a hard week, but I'm a grieving Mom again.
The PTSD is a blessing in disguise for me because although I'm grieving him again, I now want to live again and see the new person I'll become after the healing process.
Your words of pain and "not getting over it" is something we grieving parents share.
If you ever do decide you want to talk, you are welcome to dm me.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. And Cam, it never ceases to amaze me when people have had horrible experiences as you did after losing your child, your son, your grown-up man, how people, especially so many people can be so insensitive & just down right cruel is beyond me!!
I am so appreciative of all the people who grieved for my son. I feel very fortunate to not have suffered any bad remarks or ill-gotten behavior as was exhibited to you. I am truly sorry you & others have had to experience that.
My son was 30 when he died. He was overseas in Bali, Indonesia. He was not in the military. He was there starting up a business. I had just come home from seeing him 13 days before. I could not & of course did not want to believe it! I feel as you do in that I am thankful to have been Blessed to be his mom! His girlfriend found him in an outside tub. We don't know what actually happened. The death certificate said cause could not be determined. We did bring him home & had his service here.
Anyway, the only thing I had to endure that was negative was my son's girlfriend began saying negative things about my son. She had been in Bali with him & wanted to come back. My ex-husband & father of my son, paid to bring her home & she moved in with me. When she started bad-mouthing my son to me, no less, I was at a point where I was not going to tolerate this. I packed her bags & put them by the front door! How dare she or anyone talk about my son like that. It's easy to do as he cannot defend himself. However, it was a reflection on her, not him.
Normally, I don't confront people like that. I try to be understanding & let things go. I suppose this was the last stand, the last defense I could offer my son. He was a stand-up guy who believed in owning up to what was his & defending himself when he was being maligned. I absolutely believe the strength I showed in this case came from my son & from God. So according to some of your co-workers, I am crazy too. Oh well. So be it. It's a terrible club to be in & I hope they never have to join.
My son died on December 16, 2008. It sounds like your son's death was about 2 years or so after that? So sad. So tragic! I am so sorry.
Tami is a good friend to all who post here. She has amazing strength, compassion, graciousness & understanding. Thank you tamiznluv for being here for so many & for just being you!
I'm so very sorry for the death of your son. This is one thing that I can't say anymore that I can't imagine what you're going through. It has to be rough on you not knowing his actual cause of death. I can't imagine not knowing...
The fact that you took his girlfriend in to live with you shows what a gracious person you are. I can't imagine that she had the nerve to bad mouth him to you. What is wrong with some people? I have to give you credit for packing her things up. You didn't need to put up with that negativity about him while you were mourning the 30 years of love with him. I'm so sorry that you had to endure her ignorance and selfishness.
You must have been so proud of him and I'm sure it was a blessing to you that you got to spend some time with him 13 days before his death.
Bobby died April 25, 2000 and that was 4 days after his 21st birthday. I was upset because I didn't get to have our birthday dinner of his choice for him. I decided to have a "Celebration of his Life" at a restaurant with immediate family and his best friend and girlfriend and their families as they loved Bobby. His girlfriend made these beautiful invitations that she mailed out. After the dinner she had a notepad with his picture on the back and his favorite quote and also a CD of pictures of him. I did that on his following birthday. It was a beautiful tribute to him and I hope his spirit was there with us.
I believe in God also and know that between my faith and the love and support of my family, I'll find my "new normal".
I hope my coworkers never have to join this club also. I do have to say that one Mom on TCF website wrote a letter to them and wanted me to mail it...lol She really ripped into them! I got so much support from that website, I was overwhelmed by all the kindred spirits there.
I'm glad that you mentioned Tami, because I've been meaning to. You are definitely right about her. She's been a positive and compassionate voice on this forum. She truly has a good heart. So thank you Tami!
You and I can be "crazy" together in this club. I am deeply sorry for your heartache. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
If just one person learns something from this forum to be more sensitive to the grieving, then it will have served it's purpose.
Cam, thank you also. I do not know the heartache of losing a child but after feeling the effects of my hubby dying, I can not imagine how the loss of a child would feel like. That said, I try to let each individual know that I, we, hear them and share with them a bit of "comfort" to them. No one should have to endure this pain of grief alone. Even if in cyberspace. That is all I have and this place has been remarkable for me. I try and "pay it forward".
Now please, no more making me blush!
(((HUGS)))
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