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My sister is in the final (terminal) stages of cancer. No more treatments are being offered (or desired), and she is entering hospice (coordinator has been to visit, hospital bed/equipment delivered, and the hospice nurse will be coming for the initial visit in the next couple days).
It is me, my two other sisters, and our mom helping in these final days/weeks(?). None of us has ever been through this hospice/final caretaking experience before. When the hospice nurse comes, we'll be there to hear what she has to say and to ask questions. I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for that.
I think we're all pretty good with the emotional/spiritual stuff and accepting that the end is near...even hoping it doesn't drag on as my sister is very weak and in pain (tough to see, obviously). We'll all have "our moments," of course, but for now we're holding it together.
For those of you who have been through helping a loved one die (not literally, but you know what I mean) as peacefully and comfortably as possible, is there anything you wish you would have known or been prepared for...any advice you wish to share? I'd sure appreciate it!
Hi, sorry for this sad situation, but it sounds like you and your other 2 sisters and your mom are doing as well as anyone could.
My father died last July after 6 months in hospice.
I don't know that I have any advice, except to follow your heart. You sound like a very loving person.
We found when my father was in hospice, that we got a lot of support from alot of really good people, his doctor and the hospice team. Your ideas that you will ask questions of the hospice person-- yes. Ask them anything and everything.
It sounds like you are open and willing to accept the death, and I think that makes it easier for the loved one to go. Just my opinion.
I want to offer you this, if you are on facebook, and if you think it might be helpful.
this is a woman who I actually know, altho not well.
This is the introduction:
"Introduction to Dying Dor’s Way
Diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, Dor invites her community into the process leading to a good -- or at least a better -- death. End-of-life planning, hospice care, helping loved ones engage in healthy death conversation, and the politics of cancer treatment are addressed."
She has I don't know how many videos that she makes and talks about various end of life issues. To me, it is not depressing at all. I actually learn about living from her. She is imo a remarkable person. If you want to check it out- https://www.facebook.com/DororthyMullen/
I wish you and your family the very best. And I wish your sister a peaceful transition. She is lucky she has such a concerned family.
I read a book written by hospice nurses called "Final Gifts". I highly recommend it and wish I had read it prior to my mother's own death and time with hospice.
The one regret I had is that I didn't allow my Mom to talk about her own death. I would always change the subject "Oh Mom, let's not talk about that".
But when I read the book, it talked about how dying people are often very lonely and partly because everyone around them wants to pretend that everything is just peachy.
So I would do that part differently. I would let her talk about her death if she wanted to
So far, my sister hasn't indicated she really wants to talk about it, at least not in any sort of conversational way. She has talked with my mom and whomever of us has been in on the conversations about final arrangements (cremation, funeral, that sort of thing). But that's a good suggestion. I'll try to keep attuned to any such need, though.
The day before my mother died, at home under hospice care, we texted family members (her grandkids, close cousins, etc.) that, if they wanted to see her, they better come soon. She acknowledged that she knew who they were but later in the day she got worse and just quit breathing late the next afternoon. My dad almost never left her side, talking to her, not knowing if she heard him or not. This was 2 weeks after their 66th anniversary.
My brother hired a couple home health nurses to alternate coming in at night and sit with her while we got my dad to sleep. My brother would get up very early and fix the nurse some breakfast and sit with her and our mother. If we hadn't had them there, my brother would have stayed up all night.
Immerlernen, just make sure you all get a little break from time to time. My brother drove from east Tennessee and stayed at there house to do what he could. I lived about 60 miles away and at first came over every other day until she got worse. When I did come, my brother would get out of the house for a little while. If nothing else, just to drive around or go get a burger or something. Just a little time to "recharge" as he called it. Getting out of the house and clearing his head for a little while.
I think I've told this on here before but, when Mama came home for hospice care, she told the nurses she would rather walk home instead of going in the back of an ambulance where she couldn't see anything outside. After more fussing, her doctor, a good family friend, agreed to let Daddy drive her home in his pick up. The EMTs got her in the truck, then drove over to the house to help get her settled in. But Daddy didn't take her straight home. They drove around town, went by the 2 other houses we'd lived in and took his time getting her there.
Make sure you get the morphine before you need it. Talk to the hospice nurse about it.
You or a family member will be giving it to her, not the nurse since she won't be there much.
If they kick the blanket off their feet leave it there. Don't keep covering them thinking they may be cold.
Talk to her. Who knows if they hear but it will do YOU good.
Don't force food or fluids. If they don't want them let them be.
My late husband was placed in hospice for only a few hours before his death. Since I knew that his loved ones would not be able to see him in person I called his adult children and his siblings to allow them to say to say good bye to him. My husband was semi-conscious and unable to speak at that time but it appeared to me that he could listen and understand what was being said to me (I could tell by his facial expressions). As well as giving comfort to him, it gave great comfort to his relatives who could not be there.
Let her know speaking heart to heart (NOT out loud, but speaking silently from your heart to her heart)
that it is OK to go. you are giving her permission to go. this will help ease her crossing over.
Be prepared to meet impromptu desires. About three days before my mother-in-law died, she roused, lifted her head, and told us that she wanted pizza. She got pizza. I think that her last words were, "That was good."
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