Rules Of Houston (Austin, Pasadena, Baytown: transplants, homes, construction)

[MSJones]

You guys may have already seen this – I got it in e-mail this morning and thought it was pretty funny (and accurate!):

Following are the rules of Houston - The Bayou City, Clutch City, Space City, H-Town or whatever you want to call it:

You must learn to properly pronounce the name of the city – it’s “Hue-sten”, not “Ewe-sten” or “House-ton”.

The name of the street is “San Phil-eep-ay”, not “San Phe-leep”. Enunciate, you idiots!

Forget any traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own set of traffic rules, called Hold On And Pray. There is no such thing as a high speed chase in Houston, either – we ALL drive like that. All the time.

All driving directions start with “Get on Loop 610…” which goes in a complete circle and has no beginning and no end.

The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a “scenic drive”.


The morning rush hour is from 5:30 AM to 10:00 AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 PM to 7:00 PM. Friday’s morning rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will probably be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. When the light turns green and you’re the first one off the starting line, count to 5 before you take off, to avoid being slammed by cross traffic who are running their red light.

Kuykendahl Road can only TRULY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.

Construction on I-10, I-45, 610, and 59 is a way of life in Houston and a permanent form of entertainment.

All unpleasant smells are explained by any of the following phrases: “Oh, hell, we must be in Pasadena,” or, “God, Baytown sucks!”, or “Oh yeah – smell that Texas City aroma!”

If someone actually has their blinker on, it’s probably a factory defect that’s never been fixed. Pay no attention.

All ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs automatically have the right-of-way.

The minimum acceptable speed on 610 is 85 MPH. Anything less is considered downright sissy and dangerous.

That wrought iron you see on homes in east Houston is NOT for decoration.

Never make eye contact with the driver who has a bumper sticker that says “Keep honking; I’m reloading.” Speaking of honking, don’t do it. To anyone.

If you are in the left lane, and you’re going 70 MPH in a 60 MPH zone, people are not waving at you as they pass.

The Sam Houston Parkway is our daily version of NASCAR.

If it’s 100 degrees outside, Thanksgiving is probably the following week.

When in doubt, remember: all unmarked exits go to Louisiana.

If I live in Katy, and you live in Friendswood, we will never spend time together.

The best thing about being drunk at 2 AM is that you can go to Whataburger and get breakfast or lunch!

You don’t have to wait for an exit to get off the freeway; just follow the ruts through the grass to the feeder like everyone else does. This is our way of notifying the Department of Transportation where they SHOULD have built exit ramps.

Elsewhere, they may be called “frontage roads” but here, they’re “feeders” and we don’t know what the hell a “frontage road” is – so don’t look at us like you’re stupid when we say “Get on the feeder then take that loop-the-loop round to the other side.”

Follow these rules to the best of your ability and you should do just fine – but we can’t promise you anything! J

[jimboburnsy]

I have seen this before and I still disagree about San Felipe. In much the same way that "Mexia," "Manchaca" and "Refugio" have been pronounced "muh-hey-ah," "man-shack" and "ruh-fyur-ee-oh" long enough to become the commonly accepted names (in Texas) I think that "san fuh-leep" is actually the real name for it now. And I dated a girl in high school who thought that there was a street pronounced "fron-taj" that intersected with 59 near my parents house.

[tstone]

I've seen this email ''forward'' many times, the first about 10 years ago.

I've seen "Houston" replaced by other city names as well.

[ericka709]

Yah! I think I've seen a Detroit version of this one too, but thanks for the laugh.

But, these are specific to Houston and are so very true:

Originally Posted by MSJones

[color=black][font=Georgia]
All driving directions start with “Get on Loop 610…” which goes in a complete circle and has no beginning and no end.

The minimum acceptable speed on 610 is 85 MPH. Anything less is considered downright sissy and dangerous.

[tstone]

Houston (like DFW) may be fast for Texas, but as far as other US cities go, it is not that fast (or crazy) driving of a city. It's pretty average. 85 is not the norm by any stretch, more like 65-70 in a posted 60, and 70-75 in a posted 65.

Chicago, Phoenix and the CA cities on the west coast fly ... & make us look slow. That's where 80-85 is the standard. Some of the NE makes us look tame with their crazy moves, and the Pacific NW makes us look fast & wild -- driving up there was downright annoying.

And watch out on that loop. From 290 to 225 around the south loop is a giant speed trap now. Trust me on that one.

[jfre81]

Maybe it's all the new transplants, but lately I've been reading about how we drive slow here. Which is it?

The street in Manhattan is "House-ton" though...

[basketcase33]

Originally Posted by jimboburnsy

I have seen this before and I still disagree about San Felipe. In much the same way that "Mexia," "Manchaca" and "Refugio" have been pronounced "muh-hey-ah," "man-shack" and "ruh-fyur-ee-oh" long enough to become the commonly accepted names (in Texas) I think that "san fuh-leep" is actually the real name for it now. And I dated a girl in high school who thought that there was a street pronounced "fron-taj" that intersected with 59 near my parents house.

Umm, native Houstonian here and have never heard San Felipe pronounced any other way besides "San-fuh-lee-pay" That's simply the way it's prounounced (period)

[jfre81]

FWIW, "Manshack" or "Manchack" is indeed how Austinites pronounce "Manchaca Road" (over there). Anyone who pronounces it the way it looks gives themselves away as a non-local...

[Mom2Feebs]

Hello, people, it's San Fil-uh-pee. Not San Fil-ee-pay, not San Philip. It's Houstonian 101. If you're a native and you get it, that's how you say it. I don't write the rules, I just pass 'em on. We like to keep outsiders on their toes.

[jfre81]

Actually the pronunciation changes every hour.

It's "San Fileep" until 11pm CDT, then it turns back into "San Filipay." "San Fileep" will run tomorrow 7-8am - just in time for rush hour.

Monday's rush hour it will be "whatever the hell that road's called"