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Ironically, I feel sorry for your brother. It must suck to have a sibling like you.[/quote]
Scooby Snacks,
I’m sorry you feel that way. My 2 sisters and 1 younger bro are happy to have me as a sister as I am blessed to have them. We’re best friends and haven’t had a fight since we were kids, so that’s almost 50 years.
Being mentally ill doesn’t doesn’t give one a license to verbally and emotionally abuse the people who love and stand by them. My 2 brothers disowned him 10 & 15 yrs ago because of it. The fact that he won’t go for therapy is not my or my sisters’ problems. We’re not therapists. He is functional and doesn’t have brain damage or a violent personality.
My sisters and I have bit our tongues to his harsh words and our children for at least 30 years now. He shows no appreciation for what we’ve done for him. He takes and takes and takes and doesn’t know how to give.
I have depression, anxiety and have now been diagnosed with PTSD for the 2nd time. Life hasn’t been kind at times, but I am a kind person and have learned something positive from every bad thing in life. I'm not a mean person because I'm afflicted with mental disorders.
I’ve only been on C-D for a little over a month and I’m learning everyday by my mistakes. I have gone off emotionally on a couple of these boards and I’m learning to walk away from the computer when people choose to… not be very nice.
I was upset by your response, but instead of lashing back at you, I chose to go and read some of your posting history to try to get an idea of where you’re coming from. I will ask that you do the same for me. We can agree to disagree. Like I said, I’m still learning. I won’t make comments now that I made a month ago because I don’t want to be a nasty poster.
If you choose to base your opinion of me on one post, that’s your perogative.
You seem like an extremely intelligent person and I’m positive you can piece together from other posts of mine what went on with him. I will tell you that I won’t be baking him anymore cakes or buying him presents to “celebrate” what he repeatedly did to me as a child and he was a teenager. It is far past time to let him and his abuse go. I’ve forgiven him, but that was for my mental health.
Thank you for bolding what you thought was pertinent in my OP.
Please show me the same common courtesy that I am showing to you.
I was surprised to see this topic as I wrestled today with my reaction to a couple of mentally ill friends recently. The ironic thing is that I suffer from depression and it has affected many parts of my life. However, I do the best I can and have faced some personal issues and continue to grow and try and challenge myself, even when the going gets rough.
That being said, I have a tender spot in my heart for those suffering from mental illness. However, this past week, I had to let go and take a huge step back.
I have a friend who is very, very sickly co-dependent on someone who is a self-induced paranoid schizophrenic (from drug trips) and a drug addict who does absolutely nothing for himself and is on probation for becoming violent and stuff. All he seems to care about it is getting high, sometimes taking up to 50 Dramamine for the fun of it. He is on court ordered Haldol injections, which don't work well anymore due his continued drug use. I feel very sad for him because I know help is there if he would reach for it.
I've watched the codependent party of this duo grow more and more codependent - worse than anyone I've ever known or heard about. A couple of us have tried to help her to no avail. Because I have my own co-dependent issues - and the person with psychosis in question has always liked me a lot, I agreed to talk to him on the phone (from another state) via the prompting of my friend. The purpose was to encourage him. So I called and he didn't want to talk about anything mental health related and then began a spree of calling me extremely late at night.
I felt really freaked out by this and put it back on my friend, telling her that since she asked me to get involved, to please do me the favor and tell him to never call me again. I realized I had gotten roped in and she didn't think much at all about how this might effect me. How did I let myself get roped in? Because I was following her story line a lot and I agreed to insert some influence in it. That was really crazy of me, I see it now.
I finally woke up to the fact that I've been surrounded by people who've had no real worries or concerns and are just floating along somehow - in total chaos. I look back and see that when I met them, I was in a similar boat. Maybe not as severe, but I didn't see what I see now.
I feel kind of guilty about setting a harsh boundary and taking a huge step back, but if people are not willing to get the help they need to heal or grow (and they want to continue to suck me dry somehow), then I really need to let go. I'm shifting some major energy and different people are coming into my life that are inspiring to this process. I want to get going in a clearer direction with less static from others, being a sensitive. If you are overly sensitive, you really need to evaluate how you interact with others.
Overall, I am learning to honor that everyone is at choice on some level and this is what they choose, to at least some degree, and I can't choose differently for them. I do believe, on some level, that we are reflected in the company we keep and are influenced by them - and sometimes we change and outgrow people or move in a new direction and it's okay for use to choose differently as well!
It is also interesting when you really feel that shift in your life - when you see through a situation or a relationship and become willing to finally change it. I can see them as whole and unbroken on some level, but I still need a step back and a door to close so that others may open. I know that for myself, I only have limited energy due to years of depression and some things have to be kept simple, even if they seem harsh on the surface.
I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. I love what you wrote. You seem like a genuinely caring person and a good friend.
You can only help people for so long and realize that if they're not willing to help themselves, we can't allow them to destroy our mental health because they refuse to recognize they are in need of it. (even if they've been told to go for therapy by their doc).
There are those of us like you, me and many others that are kind hearted and try to help people. We don't use our mental illness as a tool to beat down other people.
I understand that I am blessed to only have depression, anxiety and now PTSD as opposed to the severe disorders that others have.
I can totally relate to you as we have "limited energy" to function as well as we can trying to get daily things done and I try to be a happy person.
My brother has never lived on his own. He's sponged off of his two friends for the past 40 years, His one friend was getting married and my brother lived in his house. His friend asked him to find an apartment so he could start a new life with his wife and then children. My brother refused to leave, so his friend sold the house so he had to leave.
He's now living in another friends house renting it at minimal cost. I doubt that his rent covers the taxes on the house, yet alone upkeep. He pays 600/mo for a house and he doesn't paint it, if anything breaks, he calls his friend. He doesn't pay the rent if he looses his job. My sisters and I know that he will expect one of us to take him in when his friend does eventually throw him out. He will loose the only friend that has stood by him all of these years because he has taken advantage of his kind hearted friend for the past 30 years.
I can't post all of the things he's done to my sisters and I because I've already posted in other forums.
He pushed me over the edge in the past couple of months causing my PTSD. I've had so many traumas in my life and I choose to learn positives from the negatives. I don't blame other people for the wrong choices I've made in my life. The energy I do have left over in all of my "junk" is going to my son that's going blind, my best friends that are my 2 sisters and my 1 brother that love and respect me as I have loved and respected them.
I've turned the other cheek to his emotional abuse of myself and my sisters have also. I can't continue to love someone that shows no love to me. He's 62 or 63 and I just can't do it anymore. 40 years of emotional abuse to us has been more than what we deserve. He is my brother, but I am not his keeper.
I'll forgive him again for the umpteenth time, but I'm done and will not argue with anyone on this topic.
If anyone chooses to bash me for my decision, please go and read some of my posting history and educate yourself on the type of person I am before you condemn me.
I do thank the OP for opening up this discussion. There are so many sides to our stories.
Last edited by cam1957; 03-21-2015 at 04:22 AM..
Reason: double sentence
To cam1957 - Wow. This shows me that some people can keep doing the same downward spiral as they head into the elder years. I am 48 and worry so much about so many things that have been difficult for me. I've dealt with more than just depression as well and it's been very difficult to achieve my goals or to feel at home in the world and find my place in it.
But I know that I could be a lot worse off and that there is great value in doing what you can do to the best of your ability and letting the rest go to a higher power of some sort - and leaving these people to their higher power too!
When I think of all the times I've been put or have put myself in the role of some higher power here and there! And often there is the potential to make things worse or enable in some way.
The co-dependent friend of mine ended up being an ineffective and problematic paid aid to someone who was dying of melanoma. Her excuse was that she has already done so much care-taking (of the schizophrenic, drug addict ex) that she couldn't handle anymore. So her reserves were used up on someone who didn't want help, was siphoning her energy, using her, and putting her down. I have never been a totally new age person, but I moved to Asheville, NC and some things began to make an impression me - such as the idea of energetic attachments that need to be healed or cut. And I've learned a lot about trauma bonds as well and they can be quite tricky (especially with family members), so I support your decision to free yourself. It's never too late and no one said any of this would be easy....
Someone I respect a lot finally told me that it pretty much comes down to "live and let live....or die." We learn to take our hands off of other people and turn attention to what is really going on with ourselves in the matter. That is really the only positive place to start, I am finding - then things tend to follow along more naturally after that.
I had a discussion with a friend yesterday who received criticism from a friend for cutting ties with her brothers who abused her as a child when they were old enough to know better. She told me it was a lot easier with the brothers because she still has other family members. But due to ongoing conflicts with siblings, one day she decided that was enough, that she'd had enough on her plate for one lifetime as it was.
Thank you so much for your point of view and discussions. I feel for you, but I can tell that you do the best you can and take what life has given you and still try to do your best to help others. Those are qualities to be admired and I love your outlook.
My plate has been more than full and it's just overflowing now. I'm 57 and my anxiety comes out through chest pains. I've been having them since December.(Actually having them 30 years) I've refused requests by my son & sisters to go to the ER because it's embarrassing to know that your mind can wreak such havoc on your body. My therapist asked me to go to the ER and I told her no. She asked me if I'd promise her that I'd go to the MedXpress directly after my counseling and I did. I ended up being taken via Ambulance to the hospital because my EKG was bad. They kept me overnight and did a stress test and it was fine. Last week I thought I was having a stroke because my vision went all crazy and I had to hold onto things to find my way upstairs as I was screaming for my son. I went to the opthamologist, my PCP, got an MRI of my brain and now I have to see a neurologist. Good news is I HAVE A BRAIN! hahaha My eyes are fine.
I don't have the ability to let everything roll off my back and I HATE being like that. I do have coping or calming strategies that I use. I seek help from qualified professionals and do as much self improvement as I can.
I will get through this as I have gotten through many other traumas life has thrown at me. I don't want sympathy or pity from anyone.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope that you continue with your positive outlook and I wish you strength along the way.
My husband became friends with a female neighbor shortly before the two of us started dating.
He met her through a male friend of his who was dating her at that time.
She called him on night asking him to come over to her place. He did. She told him that the guy whom she was dating inappropriately touched her when she was alone at his place. She wanted a male perspective on why he would do that. She asked him to promise her that he would always be her friend. He also let her know that he only wanted to be her friend.
The following morning she came over to his place to continue the conversation.
He gave her his cell phone number, and he showed her how to text him.
Shortly after all of this happened she let him know that she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and autism.
She wanted his help regarding dealing with her mental illness. He suggested to her that she should see a therapist. She did not want to. He also suggested that she should tell her mom about what happened. She did not want to.
At one point he and I began a serious dating relationship. He introduced me to her.
Shortly after that, she began inviting him over to her place for lunch, dinner, or just to hang out.
She also began to leave her personal belongings at his place.
She would call him after he got home from work around 9 p.m. to come over to her place and talk. She would talk to him for almost 3 hours.
He kept on telling her that he only wanted to be her friend.
Whenever I would come over to his place, she would text him or call him to ask him to come over to her place because she needed to speak to him. She would also call him late in the evening while we were spending time alone. He would let her know in advance that I would be spending time with him, but that did not stop her from calling him or from texting him.
She was taking photography classes at that time, and she asked him to be the subject of her photo shoots. She would also spend time alone with him at his place uploading the photos onto his computer.
He let me know several times that whenever he was alone at her place, she would literally pin him against the wall and dig her fingernails into him.
He tried distancing himself from her, but she continued coming to him with her problems.
He tried to set boundaries with her, but she rebelled.
She kept on insisting to the both of us that she only wanted to be his friend.
He told me that when he told her that he was going to propose marriage to me, she told him that I was not good enough for him.
We found out from the guy whom she was dating that after my husband told her that he was going to propose marriage to me, she told him *the guy whom she was dating* that she wanted to date my husband. When she was told by him that my husband was literally off the market at that point, she just kept on repeating herself.
My husband ended their friendship for those two reasons.
I don't have any comments on the rest of it, but "He's 60 & hasn't held a job longer than 5 yrs in the past 30 years."
Nowadays 5 years at one job is pretty good. Maybe even above average from what I see. ESPECIALLY when someone suffers from depression.
He had 2 great jobs when he was in his 20's that he ended up quitting because they required him to stand on his feet. He then went into sales for the next 15-20 years and either quit or got fired because according to him his bosses were idiots. He had a friend that was a millionaire and he stated to me that he deserved to be the millionaire because he was "smarter" than his friend.
I have depression, anxiety and now PTSD for the 2nd time. In RL I'm a kind person with a heart of gold and people like being around me.
His arrogance, rudeness, selfishness and lashing out at his family(who have loved and supported him) is not acceptable because he has depression. My parents raised all 7 of us to be responsible, respectful, loving, to follow the golden rule and to be held accountable for your actions and he's the only one that's like that, although the rest of us have had problems in life. He wants someone to "take care of him".
We were proud of him for staying at this last job for 5 years. He has always refused to go for therapy because he knows more than the therapist would.
I can't wait to see my therapist in 2 weeks. It's a shame that a kind person has to go for therapy on how to deal with a narcissistic sibling that pushed me into PTSD.
I’m sorry you feel that way. My 2 sisters and 1 younger bro are happy to have me as a sister as I am blessed to have them. We’re best friends and haven’t had a fight since we were kids, so that’s almost 50 years.
Being mentally ill doesn’t doesn’t give one a license to verbally and emotionally abuse the people who love and stand by them. My 2 brothers disowned him 10 & 15 yrs ago because of it. The fact that he won’t go for therapy is not my or my sisters’ problems. We’re not therapists. He is functional and doesn’t have brain damage or a violent personality.
My sisters and I have bit our tongues to his harsh words and our children for at least 30 years now. He shows no appreciation for what we’ve done for him. He takes and takes and takes and doesn’t know how to give.
I have depression, anxiety and have now been diagnosed with PTSD for the 2nd time. Life hasn’t been kind at times, but I am a kind person and have learned something positive from every bad thing in life. I'm not a mean person because I'm afflicted with mental disorders.
I’ve only been on C-D for a little over a month and I’m learning everyday by my mistakes. I have gone off emotionally on a couple of these boards and I’m learning to walk away from the computer when people choose to… not be very nice.
I was upset by your response, but instead of lashing back at you, I chose to go and read some of your posting history to try to get an idea of where you’re coming from. I will ask that you do the same for me. We can agree to disagree. Like I said, I’m still learning. I won’t make comments now that I made a month ago because I don’t want to be a nasty poster.
If you choose to base your opinion of me on one post, that’s your perogative.
You seem like an extremely intelligent person and I’m positive you can piece together from other posts of mine what went on with him. I will tell you that I won’t be baking him anymore cakes or buying him presents to “celebrate” what he repeatedly did to me as a child and he was a teenager. It is far past time to let him and his abuse go. I’ve forgiven him, but that was for my mental health.
Thank you for bolding what you thought was pertinent in my OP.
Please show me the same common courtesy that I am showing to you.
Bravo! You win the internet with this post. I can't rep you but I completely agree.
Bravo! You win the internet with this post. I can't rep you but I completely agree.
Hahaha Did I mention that I did about 5 minutes worth of the punching bag before I wrote that???
Thank you & I can't rep you again either
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I understand. Have recent experience
