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I sort of do. My life pretty much ended at 40 when I got divorced. Six years later I'm in a great job, but not happy because I'm a manager and suck at it. I figure if I fail at this job and lose it, I'll do the same thing. I don't really have anyone and all my dreams of having a family and a good life blew up on me. Yes, I make good money, but who cares if I'm alone? There's a fairly good chance I won't make it to 50. Nobody would miss me.
That REALLY sucks man. It's just really crappy timing. I'm sure it's harder if you wanted kids. I'm lucky on that front. But you hit the nail-on-the head. I want to travel, get romantic in exotic locations, share hobbies & passions, do outings with other couples, have an active social circle... all while I'm [relatively] young. I NOW have the means to do this. And there is a clock on it, despite the nonsense spouted by other posters. We might just be over it... hence all the awkward meet-people-once at contrived MeetUp events and have nothing go anywhere. It sucks.
I went through a job nightmare scenario too: I was underemployed, underutilized, and underpaid as a sales engineer when I was living in Portland, Oregon, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I bailed after only a year with the company I was at. I then spent the next four-and-a-half-years looking for a job! I had no more than one... I repeat, one direct job interview (maybe three agency interviews where they were just resume mining) during than entire period of time. I applied for hundreds, probably a thousand plus jobs... and heard NOTHING over-and-over-and-over-and-over again! I don't think people quite understand what kind of blow to one's self-esteem that can be. It's basically systematic verbal about about your worth as a human being. It has probably ruined a good part of me for the rest of my life.
It's been the same s*** with dating since my last serious relationship broke off back in 2011. I had one short term relationship that didn't work out, and I've gone on three dates total... averaging about one a year. That's all I'm worth, apparently. I've messaged, again, hundreds, if not a thousands of women (not just here, but back in Portland too) and almost no one ever replies, or is interested enough in me to go out. In fact, three of the four girls messaged me and asked me out. Only one responded to me. One... in four years, in two cities. Again, we all deal with rejection, but I seem to get absurd amounts of it in life... and for no apparent reason. I'm fine if I bomb and interview, or on a date. That's my misdoing, or it simply lacks any compatibility. But the lack of opportunity is soul destroying...
But we're men, right? We don't have feelings, needs, a want to be treated with respect, and we can't be driven into depression. Suck it it up, and if we can't, they'll call you a wuss when you take your own life. America.
Last edited by mAD_straKt; 12-14-2014 at 06:34 PM..
That REALLY sucks man. It's just really crappy timing. I'm sure it's harder if you wanted kids. I'm lucky on that front.
I went through a job nightmare scenario too: I was underemployed, underutilized, and underpaid as a sales engineer when I was living in Portland, Oregon, and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I bailed after only a year the company I was working with. I then spent the next four-and-a-half-years looking for a job! I had no more than one... I repeat, one direct job interview (maybe three agency interviews where they were just resume mining) during than entire period of time. I applied for hundreds, probably a thousand plus jobs... and heard NOTHING over-and-over-and-over-and-over agian! I don't think people quite understand what kind of blow to one's self-esteem that can be. It's basically systematic verbal about about your worth as a human being. It has probably ruined a good part of me for the rest of my life.
It's been the same s*** with dating since my last serious relationship broke off back in 2011. I had one short term relationship that didn't work out, and I've gone on three dates total... averaging about one a year. That's all I'm worth, apparently. I've messaged, again, hundreds, if not a thousands of women (not just here, but back in Portland too) and almost no one ever replies, or is interested enough in me to go out. In fact, three of the four girls messaged me and asked me out. Only one responded to me. One... in four years, in two cities. Again, we all deal with rejection, but I seem to get absurd amounts of it in life... and for no apparent reason. I'm fine if I bomb and interview, or on a date. That's my misdoing, or it simply lacks any compatibility. But the lack of opportunity is soul destroying...
But we're men, right? We don't have feelings, needs, a want to be treated with respect, and we can't be driven into depression. Suck it it up, and if we don't they'll call you a wuss when you take your own life. America.
Yeah, I had been persistently underemployed from 2004-2012, and I was also unemployed from 2008-2010, and 2011-2012, so I get it. I have zero confidence. Somehow I landed this great job in 2012 and am an executive in my company, but it is in a city I hate and I moved 1000 miles for it. My boss and I went to lunch last week and he looked at me and said "I think I have more confidence in you than you do". My thought was, I certainly hope he does, or I'll be unemployed and dead soon. My wife divorced me when I was unemployed in the recession after an argument (misunderstanding) about kids. It was really just bad timing, in my mind. It haunts me daily to this day that I won't get to be a Dad. Lost all of my friends in the divorce. I'm truly alone with my cat. Thank God I have a pet at least. All of the struggles I've been through have just destroyed my confidence. I don't know if I'll ever get it back.
I have somehow managed to date a lot and have relationships since my divorce in spite of being a bit shy (fear rejection) and the confidence stuff, but none have been marriage material. So here I sit alone as ever and spending yet another Christmas alone and unhappy.
It is not your personality. You, maD_straKT sound like a smart, persistent guy who is searching hard for what you need. Give yourself credit for this! Don't make this imagined women more important than yourself. (And I will try not to do so too )
Thanks. It's not even that I can't live without her there. I just want to get a few dates a year so I can feel like I'm at least worth considering as a human... to feel like I'm taking some steps down a path.
Yeah, I had been persistently underemployed from 2004-2012, and I was also unemployed from 2008-2010, and 2011-2012, so I get it. I have zero confidence. Somehow I landed this great job in 2012 and am an executive in my company, but it is in a city I hate and I moved 1000 miles for it. My boss and I went to lunch last week and he looked at me and said "I think I have more confidence in you than you do". My thought was, I certainly hope he does, or I'll be unemployed and dead soon. My wife divorced me when I was unemployed in the recession after an argument (misunderstanding) about kids. It was really just bad timing, in my mind. It haunts me daily to this day that I won't get to be a Dad. Lost all of my friends in the divorce. I'm truly alone with my cat. Thank God I have a pet at least. All of the struggles I've been through have just destroyed my confidence. I don't know if I'll ever get it back.
I have somehow managed to date a lot and have relationships since my divorce in spite of being a bit shy (fear rejection) and the confidence stuff, but none have been marriage material. So here I sit alone as ever and spending yet another Christmas alone and unhappy.
Geez dude, I just looked at your bio. You're a good looking guy too (I actually refuse to think I'm ugly... and don't know why I am treated that way), great stats, seem intelligent. What are we doing wrong?!
It's amazing that I haven't turned into a misogynist. I still think many women (just like men) are great... but there's a lot of WTF spinning around my head. There's just some bizarre disconnect between people like us and the world. I'm not socially awkward or anything of the sort. I get along with most people at work, I get invited to things, people enjoy my company, yet I'm alone at 37. It's mind-boggling.
Geez dude, I just looked at your bio. You're a good looking guy too (I actually refuse to think I'm ugly... and don't know why I am treated that way), great stats, seem intelligent. What are we doing wrong?!
It's amazing that I haven't turned into a misogynist. I still think many women (just like men) are great... but there's a lot of WTF spinning around my head. There's just some bizarre disconnect between people like us and the world. I'm not socially awkward or anything of the sort. I get along with most people at work, I get invited to things, people enjoy my company, yet I'm alone at 37. It's mind-boggling.
Thanks. I think I'm above average in looks, but probably below average in many other areas, and I'm proof that decent looks don't mean much. I try to remind myself that its just the city I live in and I'd do better in another city. BUT then I remember that most women I've met in the past in Atlanta only wanted a guy who had money and was arrogant. I think there's always going to be something I'm missing or doing wrong. I've also blamed it on social awkwardness because I tend to be very quiet and don't open up or initiate conversation with people I don't know. That makes life very hard in my new city. But people tell me I'm very likable and not socially awkward. And so the struggle continues. Anyway, you and I do seem to struggle with similar issues, and I have no clue what the solution is. Hence, my agreement with your original topic.
Thanks. I think I'm above average in looks, but probably below average in many other areas, and I'm proof that decent looks don't mean much. I try to remind myself that its just the city I live in and I'd do better in another city. BUT then I remember that most women I've met in the past in Atlanta only wanted a guy who had money and was arrogant. I think there's always going to be something I'm missing or doing wrong. I've also blamed it on social awkwardness because I tend to be very quiet and don't open up or initiate conversation with people I don't know. That makes life very hard in my new city. But people tell me I'm very likable and not socially awkward. And so the struggle continues. Anyway, you and I do seem to struggle with similar issues, and I have no clue what the solution is. Hence, my agreement with your original topic.
And no thanks to all the worthless therapists that can't even identify the root causalities. The one I've got now is the best one yet, not great (he was shocked when I revealed that I was, and have been, depressed for a long period of time) but at least he GETS who I am. I went through so many who couldn't even figure me out. I'm not that complex. I swear I'm not. I'm just another human being that wants to be treated like one, and live life like one of them. I'm thankful I've got music in my life to get me through. I can find stuff where others' experience things like me and have it resonate:
It may not work the same for others, but it feels so good to hear others voicing similar frustrations with simple bulls*** in life. I'd make my own again, but depressing is killing me from having the focus and motivation. I need to beat it first.
I dunno. I wouldn't say being quiet is a ruiner of life. I know a lot of quiet, happy, successful people. Outgoing loudmouths are really a minority. Personally, I'm an ambivert, and not always all that outgoing (but I'll often be the center of conversation with a bunch of randos at the bar by the end of the night), and I once met women fairly easily. Now I just meet dudes that think I'm cool.
But we both should be having opportunities through other people opening up, after all, because if the world is relying on just us two not being shy, well... then all the rest of them are shy. Can't work like that. Like you, I'm generally likeable (so long as you don't eff with me) and not socially awkward. I'd never be able to hold my job if I was. Just where are the women that should be flirting with us? They should be part of the normal social context. The hard part for me is getting them attracted anymore. I feel like I'm good looking, confident (in myself if I get the opportunity, maybe not confident in the world giving me any opportunities), interesting, funny, and well spoken... but man it's rough trying to get a girl to flirt or even make eye contact with me most of the time! I don't ever give up: I thought the barista at Echo Coffee was rather cute today, and tried to smile and engage her, but I got the usual B-face and no direct eye contact. It happens so consistently these days.
Have you had the same experience with online dating? No one can tell how shy or quiet you are on there.
I don't really want either of us to kill ourselves. I want professionals (in particular), or perhaps our friends, family, & strangers to quit it with the "I don't know what you are doing wrong, you seem fine to me." s***. Figure it out because obviously we spend every waking hour of our lives trying to figure it out, and we can't. I can't Socratically explore this anymore. I feel like if someone collected data from every woman who ignored a message from me on online dating, or someone who just shadowed me through the things I do in life, they could maybe spot where this mess comes from. I just feel like nothing I ever do is good enough for prospective women, yet I see much less together, attractive, smart, interesting, etc. guys with love in their respective lives. I'm not saying they don't deserve it. I'm happy for them. I am. I don't do jealousy. I just want to play to.
I guess that sums up my viewpoint on this miserable life: "I just want to play, too." So simple.
Last edited by mAD_straKt; 12-14-2014 at 08:02 PM..
Do you ever see candidates for just what you describe? if so by now surely your past worrying about being rejected ;so ask them out. Certainly better than thinking of killing yourself and likely you will be surprised and find that mate in time after knowing a few. Your 37 man for gods sake; still a young man.
And no thanks to all the worthless therapists that can't even identify the root causalities. The one I've got now is the best one yet, not great (he was shocked when I revealed that I was, and have been, depressed for a long period of time) but at least he GETS who I am. I went through so many who couldn't even figure me out. I'm not that complex. I swear I'm not. I'm just another human being that wants to be treated like one, and live life like one of them. I'm thankful I've got music in my life to get me through. I can find stuff where others experience things like me and have it resonate:
It may not work the same for others, but it feels so good to hear others voicing similar frustrations with simple bulls*** in life.
I dunno. I wouldn't say being quiet is a ruiner of life. I know a lot of quiet, happy, successful people. Outgoing loudmouths are really a minority. Personally, I'm an ambivert, and not always all that outgoing (but I'll often be the center of conversation with a bunch of randos at the bar by the end of the night), and I once met women fairly easily. Now I just meet dudes that think I'm cool.
But we both should be having opportunities through other people opening up, after all, because if the world is relying on just us two not being shy, well... then all the rest of them are shy. Can't work like that. Like you, I'm generally likeable (so long as you don't eff with me) and not socially awkward. I'd never be able to hold my job if I was. Just where are the women that should be flirting with us? They should be part of the normal social context. The hard part for me is getting them attracted anymore. I feel like I'm good looking, confident (in myself if I get the opportunity, maybe not confident in the world giving me any opportunities), interesting, funny, and well spoken... but man it's rough trying to get a girl to flirt or even make eye contact with me most of the time! I don't ever give up: I thought the barista at Echo Coffee was rather cute today, and tried to smile and engage her, but I got the usual B-face and no direct eye contact. It happens so consistently these days.
Have you had the same experience with online dating? No one can tell how shy or quiet you are on there.
I don't really want either of us to kill ourselves. I want professionals (in particular), or perhaps our friends, family, & strangers to quit it with the "I don't know what you are doing wrong, you seem fine to me." s***. Figure it out because obviously we spend every waking hour of our lives trying to figure it out, and we can't. I can't Socratically explore this anymore. I feel like if someone collected data from every woman who ignored a message from me on online dating, or someone who just shadowed me through the things I do in life, they could maybe spot where this mess comes from. I just feel like nothing I ever do is good enough for prospective women, yet I see much less together, attractive, smart, interesting, etc. guys with love in their respective lives. I'm not saying they don't deserve it. I'm happy for them. I am. I don't do jealousy. I just want to play to.
I guess that sums up my viewpoint on this miserable life: "I just want to play, too." So simple.
Yeah, I've had the same issues with therapists. I had a crush on the last one in Atlanta, so therefore wasn't too comfortable telling her everything. That was a failed experiment in seeing a female therapist in an effort to learn to communicate better with women. The one here I thought was going to be great because he and I have the same Myers Briggs personality, but he's not that great. Gives me nothing eye opening to walk away with, except telling me I'm not socially awkward. That actually was eye opening for me and has helped a little.
Don't get me started with OLD. Its the worst. Theoretically it should be great. I have good pictures up, wrote a good profile, but it still doesn't get their attention. It does get the attention of unattractive 45-55 yr old women, and I'm looking for early 30's-early 40's since I'd like a family and find younger women much more attractive. People say I look 35, so why not keep trying? The issue is they all cut thier search off at 39. So, OLD definitely does not wok for me in my 40's.
You're right, professionals and others don't get it and have nothing helpful to say. Maybe life is just simpler to them or maybe they know nothing about human psychology (friends, I mean). I don't know, but I agree its all B.S.
Just to be clear you aren't getting any attention from women or just not attention from supermodel looking women.
Is that a question? Look, I admit I get some attention, but its from women with emotional issues or women who are still married (a recent one). I was in a year long relationship that I ended in August because of her emotional issues and wanting a man to just take care of her financially. I just want a normal woman with a few similar interests who's intelligent (with a career) and reasonably attractive to me. THAT is proving to be impossible.
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I don't ever give up: I thought the barista at Echo Coffee was rather cute today, and tried to smile and engage her, but I got the usual B-face and no direct eye contact. It happens so consistently these days. 
