[Coldjensens]

Originally Posted by Getmeouttacali

Not trying to derail the thread, but quick question- Do you have any regrets about leaving California? Do you miss it at all? We’re from OC, and I absolutely hate everything about it. My husband hates it too, but hates change even more. He says once we leave, we can never come back. I say that’s the point. Our kids want to go, his whole family is there, all signs point to this being a good move, we can’t afford to stay here, but for some reason he just won’t budge.

It varies with time and which person. One of our daughters was mad at us for years because we didn't ask her if she wanted to move away. She was going to the Orange County High School of the Arts and loved it there. Our younger kids do not miss it as far as I can tell. The youngest has almost no memory if (he was 4 when we moved). However when we went back after about two years and left a period of particularly awful weather, went to Disneyland, hiking in the foothills, beaches ect. He exclaimed "We moved from here??!!" Every place is always better when you got there for vacation.

I continued to work in California for several years. So, I was back there quite often. Most of the time I worked from home in Michigan, and then flew out when needed, (sometimes it was for months at a time, but i would go home for a weekend here and there). So I did not miss anything for a while.

Now when we go back I spend about ten minutes missing it, then I get swallowed up in the unending beehive of rush rush rush and I usually end up saying I am so glad to have escaped.



What we missed:

Restaurants. We have them here, but they fewer and further between. Service is generally comparatively awful. Some places have good or great service but a great many have indifferent service.

Sunshine. the kids actually played outside more often in Michigan. Each day brought some new exciting weather to go out and experience. In OC is was "ho hum, another perfect day, just like the last 200 days, may as well stay inside, tomorrow will be the same, not going to miss anything. That is really just my theory to explain why they noticeable played outside considerably more often, but I think I am right. It also may be because we were comfortable giving them considerably more freedom that we were in OC. So, while the dramatic weather was not bad at all, the lack of sunshine gets to you. Sometimes especially in February and November, you can go for weeks without seeing the sun. OTOH on a crisp cold winter day with no clouds, it is super clear and very refreshing.

Friends. As mentioned it took a while to develop real friendships. People are different here. They will (and did) loan you $2000 no strings when they hardly know you, but they are not very likely to invite you to dinner until they have known you for ten years. You mostly make friends through your kids. The is the primary way you get invited to things too. At least at first.

Phenomenal weekend trips. In OC, you could take a weekend or a long weekend and go: camping in the mountains, Las Vegas; Kings Canyon/Sequoia; San Diego; San Francisco; Joshua Tree; Zion national park (my favorite place); Grand Canyon; Yosemite; Mexico; High desert; etc. Here we have some places to go, but they are fewer and generally less spectacular (however the UP is pretty epic and the Western Michigan beaches are nicer than CA beaches IMO)_.

Everything else we liked about So. Cal. is here. Often it is just further away, but you can get to it. One thing we liked a lot is great schools in affordable places.

You probably will not be able to move back to OC because your house will not appreciate fast enough to keep up with CA rates. However you can go back to visit, and OC is a much better place when you are visiting than when you live there. Incidentally, although our kids are mostly leaving Michigan, none of them went to California and none seem to have any interest in going there. One is in Denver, One in Austin, one is likely going to the East Coast or to Canada (currently in Ohio getting a PhD); one is probably going into music so he will likely end up in New York, LA or Chicago but might end up anywhere depending on what he ends up choosing for a career path.

We did not hate OC we left somewhat reluctantly. Our main reasons for leaving were we wanted to be close to family and have family support for our family; we wanted better schools without having to move to whoville tor pay $12K a year per kid (we have 5 kids); we wanted a better atmosphere for or kids to grow up in. I suppose the biggest regret is the arguable devastation of my career. I was a rising star in my business and had built a great clientele. I was making tons of money. That tons of money went even further for the three plus ears I telecommuted, but my absence on a regular basis caused my clients to slowly drift away. It was very hard to start over and build a new reputation and clientele here, especially with the recession. I had an extremely stressful and demanding job and the telecommuting added more. That started taking a toll on my health. Even though I switched to a local firm and eventually stopped telecommuting, I could not get back on top of my health, I ended up changing jobs to something much less demanding, but lower pay (about half of my former income, and now I have a boss). So regrets wise, what i miss the most is probably my career.

[Getmeouttacali]

We’re officially doing it! Finally! I think your list of “regrets” is about what my husband would say, except the friendship thing. He has 12 siblings/siblings in law, plus lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins. And my best friend and possibly my youngest brother plan to follow us. So who needs to make friends? The job thing is what I’m most worried about, he’ll be starting over. But his company just sold to the largest corporation in the world, so an amazing job he loved turned into a job he hates overnight. Starting over isn’t ideal, and he’s taking a pay cut, but it should even out with the col reduction. The $400k in equity we’ll walk away with from our OC house (after purchasing a new one) should more than make up for it. I think the (temporary) pay cut is more about his pride than anything.

[Water 4 the Pool]

Originally Posted by Getmeouttacali

Good for you for communicating and considering her feelings. Being unhappy where you live is a terrible feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It sounds like you aren’t miserable In NY, you just would like it better in Michigan. Maybe re visit it in a few months. Hubby’s and my 7 year where to live fight has taken a serious toll on our marriage, and it sucks, so I think being in a position to compromise is great.

Right, the constant "moving discussion" has taken a toll on us. I have had offers all over the country in the past 7-8 years and we always find a reason not to do it. Staying is always the easy short-term choice; it's inertial and all of our routines remain constant.

I'm certainly considerate of her feelings, but it's more out of preserving a happy marriage more than what I think is right--long term--for the family. Staying together--happily--is more important to me than where we live, principally for the kids' sake. Sure, I'm not miserable here but cannot do some of the basic things I want to for the family because of the financial and space constraints that would largely be alleviated if we moved elsewhere.

At the outset of our marriage, we discussed staying here for up to five years and then moving elsewhere to settle down and raise the family. I always thought--actually assumed--that we would have moved on by the time our oldest was in first or second grade. But now he's in sixth grade and developing his own identity, with his three siblings right behind him.

But here we are nearing another year end. So we'll go through the holiday fun and then revisit it again in 2019. I'm so tired and frustrated with all of this. It's a struggle when NYC is the third partner in our marriage and always casts the deciding vote.

[Getmeouttacali]

I feel the same way. California is the “other woman” in our marriage, and she has a hold on him that I never will. We’re at the point of move or get divorced. I cannot do another year here. He says we’re going after the holidays, but we’ll see about that. After 7 years, I don’t believe he’ll really do it. All we can do is hope that our partners can see how much better a move will be for our families and make the right choice. You are lucky that you aren’t miserable, so you have a bit more time, although it’s so frustrating to watch your kids get older and know how much harder it will be to uproot them. I think that was my husbands plan, just run out the clock with the kids, and we’ll be forced to stay. I hope you guys are able to go soon.

[mgkeith]

This might be best in a different forum, but if the state you live in will make or break your marriage, perhaps counseling would be helpful. Wishing you both the best of luck.

[MichiganGreg]

We tired of California by 1989; the mind-numbing traffic, boring weather (to us, we love nature photography which includes strong weather), so we escaped LA in 1990. We ended up living/working in the mountains of Colorado, Tucson Arizona, all across Maine. In 2011, I was offered jobs in Sunnyvale CA, and West Michigan. After multiple interviews at both locations, it quickly became obvious that Michigan was a better choice for quality of life.

Once a person drops their fixation on California, most places turn out to be better than one envisions. Nearing retirement in 2016, we went back west (CA/Utah/Nev) to explore potential retirement properties. All it took was a couple of weeks in constant traffic to clarify our path. We rushed back here and bought land in northern Michigan.

Bottom line, is people should do what makes them happy....life is too short for unwanted drama.