Best friend came to my city but never called - How to handle it? (Christmas, friendship)
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I can see both sides to this situation as I have been in both. I moved away from my hometown and when I go home for a weekend visit, I have literally like 15 people that want to see me. Its nice but also stressful as I simply do not have time to see 15 people in a 2 day span. Someone always ends up feeling hurt. It would be cool if these 15 people all wanted to meet at one time but its a combo of family and friends that do not know each other. They also have a preference of me visiting them individually. So there are people that I had intended to see but it doesn't work out. I do not tell people that I am definitely going to see them though.
Then on the flip side I was really hurt earlier this year. A good friend of mine that I have known for 20 yrs lives in another state, as I do. So earlier this year I decided to make an unexpected visit back home to see family. Its a long drive so I called up my friend to see how she was to kill time. She said she was on the road heading back to her hometown because her grandfather had passed away. Well this friend grew up only a few cities away from me so basically we were both heading home. I asked her where she was at in her travel and it turns out she was only 20 miles ahead of me! What a fluke! I haven't seen her in 6 years.
I asked if she wanted to pull over at the next rest stop just so we could say hi as I was only about 20-25 minutes behind her. She got quiet and then said she was tired and didnt want to stop. I said sure that I understood but it upset me. The funeral was not for another day, she actually did not like her grandfather so its not like she was distraught, she simply couldnt spare about 30-40 minutes of her time. I really thought about this, if it had been me in her shoes I I can honestly say, as busy or tired as I might be, I would have pulled over to say a quick hello. Neither one of us had told each other we were heading back to our hometowns. Then to be so close was really something. I have to admit it kind of changed things for me and I think she knows it. She asked me if something was wrong a few weeks later and I was honest. I said I was a bit hurt that she didnt pull over. She was apologetic but then also defensive. All I can say is it may be a turning point in your relationship. I dunno. It was for mine. Maybe your friend is now just a phone friend.
Why is it this is a female problem?? My wife has had a similar "event" happen in the past. Of course it too was a direct result of a faceyspace post, tag, or whatever you people call it. Guys just dont have this problem.
If she wanted to hang out, she would have called, texted, faceyspaced, whatever. She didnt, oh well! Just move on and not dwell on it. [shrug]
Wait! I have your answer! Fly to her neck of the woods, post pictures of yourself getting wasted at a bar close to her house.....and dont call her!
Thanks for your reply Pammy. My plans were to actually wait and see if she called. She only has today left. It just doesn't make any sense since she was literally up the street from my house.
There is no logical reason in my mind that she wouldn't call and say, "hey, I'm in north county, I am at (insert place) come join us!" We even discussed that if she was up in this part of the county, to call me when she meets up with her other friend.
She may not realize she was even tagged in Facebook yet... so not sure if she realizes she did screw up as you say.
Either way, I guess it's better to know the answer on how someone feels about you and where you stand in their life then to think you are a valuable friend to someone. While hurtful, at least now I know.
Morning DejaVu, I can see this whole thing with your friend is really bothering you. I understand. One time my older sister who is from California now, drove right past our house with another one of my sisters. They were on their way to visit yet a 3rd sister who lives a 5 min. walk from me and I never see her either!! Now that is Hurtful, right? Not anymore. I have friends I see, and lots to do around here that keeps me busy including a husband, two kitties and a dog! There are days I have someplace to go and someone to see just about every day so I don't have time to chase my family around to beg them for a visit. It gets that way after a while.
I truly don't think that every person out there values their friends like you do or even like I do. You can only get hurt so many times and then you start to either fight back or you walk away. I got super tired of always being in the middle of some kind of shi$%^& storm so I walked away..so much better. One friend I had was telling everyone else we associated with that because I am from CT and I moved home from Maine when I divorced I am now a SNOB. The talk was wild for a time and I tired of it FAST. I told her finally that I truly wished she would get medication for her out of control meanopause and to stay out of my "stuff" until she gets it right. Haven't heard from her since!
Not calling you as she throws a few back does not constitute redefining your friendship. Did she drive to this establishment, could she have been wasted to the point where she had no clue she was down the block, or she felt imposing on your family life.
Does not sound worthy of downgrading your friendship.
I think it does sound worthy of rethinking the friendship, and also rethinking what the OP could have done differently.
I have a good friend from childhood that used to come back to our home town once or twice/year. We would make tentative plans for a certain day, then I would spend the day waiting around, and she would spend the day busy with her family, and not call. I finally was upfront with her and told her I understood that family takes priority, but that I wanted to make plans with her and stick to them. After that, we did, and it hasn't been a problem since. Looking back, though, part of the problem was my anxiety, and my fear of making plans, and not being able to stick to them; or my feeling that I needed to be by the phone when she called. I went a little overboard. I've relaxed since then, and don't take things so seriously.
something similar happened with a different friend more recently. She told me ahead of time she was coming to town, we decided on 2 possible evenings to get together. When the first day got here, I contacted her. She put me off until the next day. The next day she still couldn't commit. She was in town for the rest of the week, but I didn't go out of my way to be available for her. Our last contact was me telling her I already had plans the day she finally said she was available. Even then, it was a half-hearted attempt. She only invited me to join her and her extended family in what they already had planned. I was hurt, but it showed me how I rank. I will never again go out of my way to see her when I'm in her town (my home town).
Fallingwater said what I was going to say. I live really far from home. When I go home it's impossible for me to see everyone that I want to see. It definitely wouldn't be intentional if I told someone hey I'll call you about getting together, then got distracted with something else and didn't call. And sometimes it's made more difficult by different groups of friends. Maybe your friend just didn't feel you would fit in with the others she was hanging out with.
Look, I'm not saying what this woman did wasn't hurtful, but I think you should look at intention too. I highly doubt this woman schemed to tell you she'd call and then didn't call on purpose to hurt your feelings. Sure, it sucks to be forgotten about, but I don't think she meant to hurt you. You say this woman was a really good friend and helped you get through a tough time in your divorce. Maybe you aren't going to be best friends. It's hard to maintain friendships through a lot of distance, but I think you'd be wrong to totally write her off now.
No hostile environment. She texted this morning and said she had 3 beers and forgot to call me. I didn't respond because honestly, I didn't even know what to say to that.
Now that I think about it, I probably over valued the relationship on my end. Live and learn.
Well, being passive agressive and not even responding after you made a point to make sure she knew your feelings were hurt may cost you a friendship. No one wants to be nagged...and friends are built w/ positive interactions, a warm welcome and honest caring. Try to just forget how your feelings are hurt and text back something nice and let her know that you look forward to the next time there is a chance to visit. Be mature, don't let petty BS get in your way...life is way too short. To have a friend you have to be a friend.
She specifically told me she would call me when she was in my area visiting that friend. SHE told me that... so I was waiting for her call and kept my weekend open knowing this. Had she not said that, I would have never made that comment. So, she raised my expectations but fell short of them.
You may be right, I am the "older" married friend so perhaps I wouldn't fit into the "young-we-are-all-men-haters-right-now" crowd. But I am a very young at heart and she knows that... I have a young attitude.
Also, she hasn't made any future plans for the rest of the weekend so my guess is, I was never on the agenda. Which is fine but....
I've just been there for her so much with all her issues with her fiance... I feel like I am just there for only that. Perhaps since she has many friends, she could talk with them from now on. Or get a "paid friend" --->therapist.
You are a specialized friend, she probably considers you to be the one she can confide in, nothing more. Next time carry on with your weekend as usual.
I wouldn't give it another thought. It is hard, and I understand why you were hurt 100%. But she made plans to see other friends, and maybe was so overwhelmed didn't get a chance to call or see you.
It is hard when you are visiting to accomodate EVERYONE, and I am sure she did not mean to hurt you. Why don't you make plans with her to hang out, whether you visit her or she visit you. This way you know you will see her.
I would like to think that's true and it seems like she has always treated me that way but there was no reason why she couldn't ask me to join the group.
Either way, I posted on her picture and said "What a shame, I am only up the street, hope you are having a good time"
She texted me with
Shoot girl,
"ended up coming to my best friend's house and drank three bottles of beer before we went out, totally forgot to text you. Sorry...""
I haven't responded. Especially since she still doesn't want to meet up. I don't see how you "forget" about somebody. She probably wouldn't have texted at all but because I made a statement on FB, she felt bad.
How do you forget about someone???? Really?
I guess that old saying applies "never make someone a priority that only makes you an option"
I know it hurts, feeling excluded -- BUT...
You gave in to temptation. Believe me I DO understand how tempting it can be to get in that jab, that jibe, hoping on some level they get some inkling of how badly you're feeling at the exclusion, and hoping they feel some regret, perhaps learn some lesson on some inexplicable level...
Stop and think about it a moment, honestly -- that IS what you kind of wanted, wasn't it? For her to see your post on the photo, to feel badly for not having called, to be aware YOU KNEW; and part of you was hoping for a sincere apology, after which all would be forgiven, you'd have some moral high ground and life would go on with the two of you just as nifty friends as ever, perhaps even closer because of this nastiness being cleared away and you having made a moral stand.
Here's the thing: Friendships are like ANY relationship. INVARIABLY they mean very different things to the people involved. Sometimes those things are amazingly similar, freakishly similar -- but always, there are small, very HUMAN variations on the general theme.
And relationships typically mean more to one party than to the other. That CAN BE expressed selfishly, or it can inadvertently seem like selfishness, but it isn't always necessarily selfishness. Sometimes it's just a human slip-up, a mistake. We all make them.
Other times it's a manifestation of the truth.
In your case whether you like it or not there is a significant age difference and with it a crowd difference. You've maintained a friendship with this person and that's fine; but any one of a number of factors could have come into play.
Perhaps you didn't fit THAT crowd, would have been a damper on those particular festivities even if you don't see it that way; perhaps you wouldn't and she merely felt you might.
Perhaps she just forgot. You're the one who's hurt and you're sure YOU wouldn't do that, but so what? You're not her.
What you DID do by leaving that message on her photo was come across a bit as a stalker. That's just my opinion, and I'm a complete stranger, do NOT matter in the schema of your life.
What I suspect you also did was put her on the defensive. I'm sure she feels some guilt over not contacting you BUT NOW she feels it defensively by having had a very passive-aggressive confrontation via the comment.
You DO realize what you did there was passive-aggressive, right?
And while that seems like criticism, it IS, but it's meant constructively. I'm JUST as guilty of having done that in the past, and it's a bad thing, something to be stopped and set aside. Either you confront or you do NOT confront; none of that passive-aggressive nonsense with feints and sidelong jabs. Handle it, or drop it -- period.
You're old enough to know now that painful as it can be, friendships come and go. Some are built to last; others we invest in as though they're built to last, but they actually have a life expectancy, and beyond that they're living on borrowed time, WILL fade and pass. That's not my view, that's LIFE.
The ONLY way that doesn't happen is with BOTH parties putting in as best they're able. Sometimes one can drop back while the other picks up the slack, but unless the one who lags picks the pace back up that relationship -- friendship or romantic -- diminishes, the connection fading as they drift farther and farther apart.
Maybe your friendship with this person will survive, maybe not. Either way it will not make or break your world, will it?
I had to this happen w someone that I would qualify as an acquaintance got to know from a guided trip. She starts posting on FB that she is in my city. WOW! She knows I live here. When I called her she didn't answer me. And didn't respond to me in messenger... was hurtful, but then I realized she wasn't really anything to me not even an acquaintance, time to unfriend. Just thought we had something in common since we both work in IT. But I realized in seeing her posts she only has certain types of friends and I didn't fit that profile. Time to unfriend...what should I say to her???
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