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You should have bought a book and read it until you could get back to your kindle. Don't ask them again, they are not gonna change.
I did buy a book. Now I have my Kindle back, thanks to my daughter. And you are right. Not only am I not going to ask my parents to do even the SLIGHTEST thing for them - I am going to call their hand on it the next time they ask me to do something along the same lines.
No, wait - they've already asked me to do something for them - they asked me to drive five hours up to Hot Springs AR to look at vacation property with them, which would include boarding my dogs for several days.
Yes, it's true - less than a week after they refused to do a five minute favor for me "because they don't drive on the interstate," they DROVE ON THE INTERSTATE all the way up to Hot Springs and spent several days looking at investment property (do these sound like decrepit elderly people who are fearful of their driving abilities?). Now they're so excited that they want me to spend several days with them helping them decide.
No. Not unless this happens:
THEIR WEIRDNESS CAN BE INFURIATING! These otherwise intelligent people truly cannot see the dichotomy of this scenario!
Your parents are your parents. You know who they are and what they do. They are not going to change for you or anyone.
Why do you expect or insist otherwise?
Some people have lousy parents. I had a drunken twit of a mother, who used to beat up my father after he was crippled (he never laid a hand on her in 30 years of marriage, although with her cheating on him and verbally abusing him he did move into his own BR) but she was a mean and vicious so-and-so. Everyone who knew her knew it. She didn't stop abusing him until I moved them into an assisted living facility with full-time nursing - and even then she was still a drunken twit. I put up with it because of my father. Once he passed, and she blew through all of his money (it took her 6 months) she ended up 'hooking up' with various men (while in her 70's!), and living in a trailer park with a friend. She called me once to ask how to get the tear gas smell out of furniture... quite a comedown from having lived 30 years with a man who gave her diamonds every birthday...
You aren't going to change your parents or how they relate to you or anyone else. They are who they are. Endlessly ranting on and on about it and harping on it isn't going to do anything positive for you. Let it go. You know who they are and what they will or won't do. Some people have great parents, some don't. Some people have great children, some don't. All this drama does is keep you upset and stirred up. Don't you have better things to do with your time and a life to live? Then go. Do them. Live it. And stop wishing they were people whom they can never be.
Your parents are your parents. You know who they are and what they do. They are not going to change for you or anyone.
Why do you expect or insist otherwise?
I don't expect or insist otherwise. That doesn't mean they don't tick me off royally sometimes though. Surely people who are very predictable irritate or frustrate or hurt you sometimes too, don't they?
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Some people have lousy parents. I had a drunken twit of a mother, who used to beat up my father after he was crippled (he never laid a hand on her in 30 years of marriage, although with her cheating on him and verbally abusing him he did move into his own BR) but she was a mean and vicious so-and-so. Everyone who knew her knew it. She didn't stop abusing him until I moved them into an assisted living facility with full-time nursing - and even then she was still a drunken twit. I put up with it because of my father. Once he passed, and she blew through all of his money (it took her 6 months) she ended up 'hooking up' with various men (while in her 70's!), and living in a trailer park with a friend. She called me once to ask how to get the tear gas smell out of furniture... quite a comedown from having lived 30 years with a man who gave her diamonds every birthday...
So, it sounds like you should be able to relate to the frustration I'm feeling. Surely you've done your fair share of ranting and venting (either outwardly or inwardly) over the years.
As I've stated already, the Kindle is a minor thing - it's a symptom, not a cause in other words. The event just pulled up all sorts of other issues (there are not 16 pages of rants about a Kindle, for pete's sake!) which are much more serious to me than the Kindle. But surely you've heard of the straw that broke the camel's back?
What got me was that as they've gotten older, especially since I quit working this year and have had more free time, they've asked a LOT more of me lately - and I've been able to give them more of my time and attention. A LOT, in fact. And they've been a bit demanding - but it's also been mostly good for our relationship. So - when I asked them one small favor - which is very rare, so rare in fact that I can't remember the last time I asked them to do anything for me - I guess subconsciously I was thinking that they'd be a little grateful, and do one small thing for me.
Like I said, this wasn't a conscious expectation - it was subconscious, so yes, I got thrown for a loop, and all sorts of emotional baggage that I thought I had put to rest came back up for me.
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You aren't going to change your parents or how they relate to you or anyone else. They are who they are. Endlessly ranting on and on about it and harping on it isn't going to do anything positive for you. Let it go. You know who they are and what they will or won't do. Some people have great parents, some don't. Some people have great children, some don't. All this drama does is keep you upset and stirred up.
Actually, like I said, I thought I had dealt with this stuff in the past, and moved forward, so it's been eye opening for me to realize how close below the surface it lays. I've had to re evaluate some things, and some directions that my life has been taking since I quit working earlier this year. I've had to redefine some parameters over this past month, and make some subtle, and not so subtle, changes in my plans and in what my parents have been beginning to expect from me.
So talking this through has actually been very helpful to me. And hopefully not onerous for others - who, after all, don't have to read this thread or comment at all.
One thing that's come out of this has been that I've decided that I am DEFINITELY not making decisions about where I live for the next ten years of my husband's career, based on where my parents live or what their needs are. This is a HUGE step emotionally and practically for my husband and for me, because there are some promotion opportunities for him several states away, that we have not seriously considered because we were of the mindset that we needed to stay closer to our elderly parents.
Now that I've decided this isn't the case, we are seriously considering moving. If "ranting" about the Kindle opened that door for us, I'd say it was time well spent!
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Don't you have better things to do with your time and a life to live? Then go. Do them. Live it.
I have. Since I posted this, I've flown to Virginia and spent a week - offline by the way! - with my two daughters and seven grandkids. Let's see - we visited Fort Monroe, several museums, spent several days at various beaches, hung out in Yorktown, steamed some delicious crabs, done art projects, and I gave my little granddaughters mani-pedis!
In fact, since I got back yesterday, I've been looking at real estate three states away and sent my husband a link to a historic home for sale in the area we're considering - it was built prior to the Revolutionary War - and it's something we are seriously considering!
So - yes, I have a life and yes, I'm living it. Don't worry about me!
I asked my parents for two things in my entire adult life.
(One time, around 1992, I asked for $285, half the rent, because my roommate bailed leaving me to come up with her share of everything in 2 days...while I was a starving student. The other time, 1999, was $400 for rent after someone plowed in to my car and caused me injuries, serious car damage and no income while the car was being fixed, (I was a courier, using my own car for work)).
Both times it was a simple request that would have made a HUGE difference for me, and both times I got a lot of crap, angst and unnecessary b.s. for it.
I stopped asking them for anything.
Several years later, the mother figure told me over the phone how upset she was that I never asked them for anything.
Yah, because I enjoy the unbelievable BS that comes with it. No thanks!
If your parents are like that and you know your parents are like that, just don't even bother. All you do is get yourself hurt over your expectations that they change. They aren't going to change. You know that. You can't expect anything from them. When you get hurt, it's on you, not them.
I can do without my Kindle. I HAVE been doing without it for the past several days. That's not the point.
The point is, I didn't think it was unreasonable to ask my parents to pull off the interstate and pick up the Kindle on their way here. A stop that would take literally less than three minutes.
When I asked them, I had NO IDEA that they were so paranoid about being on the interstate. These are the same parents who drove us kids cross country - on the interstate - all our lives. They drive to New Orleans and Virginia and other places pretty regularly. I had NO IDEA that they never take the interstate. In fact, I am not so sure that I believe that they don't. It would take them HOURS longer to drive to Virginia if they don't ever get on an interstate highway.
They would only be on the interstate for 1 hour and 15 minutes - and actually would shorten their drive by about 30 minutes coming this way.
You miss the point.
It's not unreasonable to ask. It IS unreasonable to react the way you are about their answer.
It's not unreasonable to ask. It IS unreasonable to react the way you are about their answer.
See the difference?
I know my reaction is "unreasonable" - and it's because of the emotional baggage attached to it. You relayed your own experiences with your parents. Surely you get angry and frustrated with them sometimes, even though you know they are weird in many ways.
What IS reasonable, is that I didn't lose my composure with them, or lose any sleep over it, or do anything actually harmful to my mental or emotional health, or to my relationship with my parents. So I feel OK about my response.
I am not going to beat myself up over feeling frustrated, or hurt, by my parents, or even grousing about it on an anonymous forum. It helps me sort things out to type it out and listen to the responses of others. I actually do learn some things when I do this. For instance, as I stated earlier, I've decided to definitely move forward with my plans to move several states away. And I've told my parents today that sorry, but I'm not going to go to Hot Springs with you to help you look at houses, because it's too inconvenient for me (which it is).
If your parents are like that and you know your parents are like that, just don't even bother. All you do is get yourself hurt over your expectations that they change. They aren't going to change. You know that. You can't expect anything from them. When you get hurt, it's on you, not them.
I had to go back and address this.
Using this logic, when I hurt others, it's on THEM, NOT ME. I don't buy that for a minute. I am responsible for my actions. My parents are responsible for theirs. If I MAKE MYSELF VULNERABLE to being hurt by them, then I take PART of the responsibility - the part where I put myself in a situation that allowed me to be hurt. But that does not absolve them from guilt and I'm not about to offer them absolution either.
That's like saying, "If you leave your BBQ grill on your back porch, and you KNOW your neighbor loves that grill, if he steals it, then that's on you, not him. After all, you know he may steal it."
It's a NORMAL expectation to be able to leave your BBQ grill out on your back patio. It's ABNORMAL to have to put it away everytime you use it because you have a crazy neighbor.
It's NORMAL to ask what I asked of my parents. It's ABNORMAL to have to worry about ridiculous responses to very simple requests.
Therefore, it would be normal to be frustrated about wheeling the BBQ grill into the garage all the time because you have a crazy neighbor, and it is normal to be frustrated about ridiculous reactions from crazy parents.
I'm just frustrated - I'm not suicidal or unhinged!
Using this logic, when I hurt others, it's on THEM, NOT ME. I don't buy that for a minute. I am responsible for my actions. My parents are responsible for theirs. If I MAKE MYSELF VULNERABLE to being hurt by them, then I take PART of the responsibility - the part where I put myself in a situation that allowed me to be hurt. But that does not absolve them from guilt and I'm not about to offer them absolution either.
That's like saying, "If you leave your BBQ grill on your back porch, and you KNOW your neighbor loves that grill, if he steals it, then that's on you, not him. After all, you know he may steal it."
It's a NORMAL expectation to be able to leave your BBQ grill out on your back patio. It's ABNORMAL to have to put it away everytime you use it because you have a crazy neighbor.
It's NORMAL to ask what I asked of my parents. It's ABNORMAL to have to worry about ridiculous responses to very simple requests.
Therefore, it would be normal to be frustrated about wheeling the BBQ grill into the garage all the time because you have a crazy neighbor, and it is normal to be frustrated about ridiculous reactions from crazy parents.
I'm just frustrated - I'm not suicidal or unhinged!
Well, I never said you were suicidal or unhinged...wonder where you got the idea that anyone thought that? Hmmm.
As for the hurt thing, you still don't get it.
"Never expect anything from anybody."
When you go around expecting things from people and they don't live up to your expectations, you are going to be hurt. That is YOUR fault, not theirs.
You're all upset about your parents not picking up your Kindle because, "it's just two extra minutes and they would only be on the interstate for an hour and a half"....
Your parents said they don't drive on the interstate.
You're now upset that they won't get your Kindle. You expected them to do it because in your mind, it's no big deal.
You are NOT accepting NOR respecting your parents wishes. You are expecting them to do something for you.
You are now hurt. You have created a post on a forum full of strangers to talk, pages worth, how hurt you are giving numerous examples to back up why you are hurt.
The fact of the matter is, you expected them to do something, they didn't do it, you're hurt.
I know my reaction is "unreasonable" - and it's because of the emotional baggage attached to it. You relayed your own experiences with your parents. Surely you get angry and frustrated with them sometimes, even though you know they are weird in many ways.
What IS reasonable, is that I didn't lose my composure with them, or lose any sleep over it, or do anything actually harmful to my mental or emotional health, or to my relationship with my parents. So I feel OK about my response.
I am not going to beat myself up over feeling frustrated, or hurt, by my parents, or even grousing about it on an anonymous forum. It helps me sort things out to type it out and listen to the responses of others. I actually do learn some things when I do this. For instance, as I stated earlier, I've decided to definitely move forward with my plans to move several states away. And I've told my parents today that sorry, but I'm not going to go to Hot Springs with you to help you look at houses, because it's too inconvenient for me (which it is).
Yes, I was in my early and mid 20s when I made these requests, not 50 years old.
I've grown up since then.
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