Am I being unreasonable about my addiction? (spouse, father, narcissistic)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
HA! I have a Nook Color that I won last year in a raffle. I don't know how I lived before I got it. It's that awesome. I get it - we can also go without our cell phones, but if you aren't FORCED to, then why? Before I had a Blackberry (or a Nook), I didn't get it either though.
As to your family, they're just not nice people. I am the kind of person who will go out of my way for others, and enjoy the opportunity to do so. I don't know where I got it from. My family and my in-laws now take my going out of my way for granted but do not reciprocate. I have stories too - we should talk. Do you live in Texas? I'll make some coffee cake and coffee - what's your favorite? - and we'll clear..., well, we'll need a few weeks at least, right?!
The thing is, the problem is YOU. You were expecting what they are not capable of. You also need to stop doing anything for them that makes you feel resentful.
I am learning this now. My first test - my daughter's birthday this month. We have been estranged from one set of the in-laws for years, but this is their first olive branch. All of mine were cut off at the roots, but I'm not going to compromise who I am to teach them a lesson. That said, we're in a much worse financial situation than we were previous to the estrangement. It took them 3 days to accept the invitation to come... probably because when they wrote and asked what the plan was (via FB), I wrote back and told them what our plans were and said we were looking forward to seeing them there. THERE. Not here, at the house for a few days where we give up the master bedroom and cater to their every need and want. No mention of arrangements I've made for their comfort. This was tough for me - I was really stressed out trying to plan around them and my dh said, "Are you kidding? After everything that's happened? Don't do this to yourself."... it wasn't easy, but I did make a plan for my daughter's birthday based on HER wants and our immediate families needs/resources. Sounds obvious right? Not to me - it's always my desire to make everyone happy, and I about kill myself making it happen. Not anymore. They're adults, and I will do no more for them, than they ever have done for us. I'm not being vengeful, just not reciprocating in an uneven manner any longer.
Good luck!
ps I also get accused of the "tally" thing too - just because I can recall every detail of my life (yes, even what your 3rd cousin wore to the park the day we ran into the two of you 6 years ago and talked for 5 minutes) doesn't mean I'm "keeping score". I have to fake memory lapses because my memory makes people VERY uncomfortable!
Ahhhhh, you sound refreshingly normal! And yes, we need coffee, coffee cake, and lots of wine - and about a month to go over all this stuff!
Your family sounds...so familiar. But I think you did the right thing for your daughter and that's who really matters in that whole drama.
I don't "keep tabs" - in fact, I am sort of slow on the take. Things have to hit me right between the eyes. I mean, when I was lying in ICU nearly dead, with every one of my kids in the hospital as well, it never even occurred to me that SOME parents might think it would be supportive to actually drive four hours to COME SEE IF THEY COULD HELP. I mean, I KNEW my parents wouldn't come - frankly it would have shocked me if they DID come.
We had to catch a BUS home from the hospital. Yes, we were medivacced to a hospital two hours away, and then we had to catch a BUS home, because of course, our car was at the house. Thank God for our church - at least they went and got some groceries for us, or we would have been without food when we got home.
So why I expected them to go five minutes out of their way and drive twenty minutes on the accursed interstate ( a route that would actually get them to my house earlier than the crazy route they take) - well, I must have had an episode of temporary insanity.
Sometimes things just surprise me. My best friend told me something today that made sense - and I think someone else on this thread said the same thing. They said, like you said sort of - the problem is that I have expectations. Not gigantic expectations - I think they're modest. But I need to get rid of ALL of them, and then when they do ANYTHING nice and supportive, I'll be pleasantly surprised.
I mean, I was very pleasantly surprised when they took me up on my offer (after two years) to come to my house two hours away. I guess that needs to "carry me" for at least two more years!
Parents - I swear they just rebel as payment for our youth. My in-laws tend to do things to impact every vacation that we attempt. I don't think they mean to do it - they just do. You aren't alone in how you feel. But you can't do anything but love them for who they are.
And use City Data to vent a little. . . I feel better already!
I am smooth. They are still coming to my house tomorrow - a rare event that I've been looking forward to all week. And I am not going to mention this whole stupid thing. I don't want to argue with them. And I'm sure they will dictate what we do, where we eat, and what time we all go to bed - because that's how they roll. And I'll go along with it, because ... well, life's too short to fight with them.
I didn't inflict all this on them - or on my daughter - in part because I KNOW my reaction is emotional, and not logical. The issues are a lot more complex than a simple Kindle. To me, my parents are unfair, selfish people and frankly, this is a disappointment to me, and one of the bigger disappointments of my life. It's not a new revelation - in fact, I spent some time in counseling to learn how to establish parameters with them, and I usually have a better grasp on these things when they come up.
I'm emotionally a bit off center lately, because I've had a LOT of family responsibilities come up - two sets of elderly parents (and in laws) with trips in and out of the hospital and back and forth to the doctor, the settling of an estate that was very gnarly (on my husband's side of the family, so I wasn't involved, but it was hard to see him get hurt in the process), then emergency surgery on my husband (ruptured appendix), and a ton of medical bills, and since my husband works out of town a lot, I've had to handle the vast majority of this by myself.
Now, I know other people have bigger problems, but my point is, I realize now that I have felt like I've given, and given, and given of my time, my energy, my resources, etc. to all these other people and now...
I ask ONE LITTLE FAVOR and BAM! LOL
NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Thank goodness for an upcoming vacation. I sure do need it!
Ok, I get you now. You are one of the "sandwich" generation. Taking care of your parents, exhausting yourself, and it was more the principle. The way you wrote it it seemed more about the "kindle"....Take some time and find a support group, lots of them online...You are burning yourself out taking on so many responsibilities, and to get through it you need support. Thought you said your folks were in good health?? Anyway...take care of you. No body else will.
This sounds very reasonable to me! And I AM the author of the OP.
I basically NEVER ask anyone to do a favor for me. I tried to remember the last time I asked a favor of anyone, and to be honest, I couldn't come up with a time.
Example: Upcoming trip to Virginia. I can drive to Dallas, park my car in paid parking, and fly there, or I can drive to Shreveport, leave my car at my daughter's house, have her drive me to the airport, and then pick me back up.
Guess which one I chose - HOWDY, DALLAS! It costs me more money, but I won't inconvenience anyone else.
(Note - my daughter's first question to me was, "Why on earth didn't you fly out of Shreveport? We would have taken you to the airport!")
This is why my parents' refusal to pick that damn Kindle up bothered me so much. If I abused our relationship, took advantage of them, etc. like my brother does, I could understand it better. But considering that I NEVER ask any favors of them, and I am ALWAYS doing favors for them, frankly it shocked me. I am a respectful, kind, supportive daughter to them. I go out of my way to help them, and I never ask anything in return, and certainly don't expect them to repay me in any way.
I just thought...just thought...hey, wonder if they could help me out here? Silly me! OF COURSE NOT.
Here's just food for thought, not trying to make you feel badly.....promise
You need to be careful that you aren't so much a martyr that you make your Daughter feel like you feel about your parents. You should have flown out of Shreveport....She wanted to drive you. Don't make the same mistakes w/ your immediate family that you are blaming your folks for..
To the OP: they are taking advantage if you because you allow it. You are co-dependent. You are still trying to earn their love by being the good girl. Grow up.
No kidding. Your parents raised you, your Dad wants his way, and you want yours. Sorry, you surely have more serious problems to worry about...your question is answered w/ your diatribe. You care more about the fact that you want your kindle, than your elderly parents having to drive on an interstate. You obviously are obsessed/addicted. I love reading....but I wouldn't consider reading for hours if I am visiting my grandkids or parents. Pick up a book.
1. The issue's not the Kindle. Psychology 101.
2. My parents are 70 and 72. They drive to any place THEY want to go, any way they want to get there - for example, recent road trips have been to Virginia and New Orleans (24 hours and 7 hours respectively). They are fit and trim and very active. Between the two of them, they've been in one fender bender (not on an interstate) in their entire lives - and no one was hurt. I don't understand this sudden aversion to driving twenty minutes on an interstate. It took me completely by surprise.
3. The route they would need to take to pick up that Kindle is a) at least thirty minutes shorter than the route they usually take, and b) requires only 20 minutes on the interstate. Not hours. Twenty minutes. From people who regularly - REGULARLY - take long road trips.
4. My husband works out of town and is gone for weeks at a time. I do read a lot. I read books on my Kindle every day, and every night. I am going to be in airports all day long Saturday. I am not planning - and never planned - to read WHILE visiting with grandkids or parents instead of spending time with them. I thought that was pretty clear in my posts.
I'm not actually addicted to it - I just really enjoy it. Think about something you use every day- maybe your cell phone - or I don't know - your coffee maker. Suppose you had gone without it (and of course we all can) for about four days, and you realized that an immediate family member was going to be driving FIVE MINUTES from where it was. Would the idea occur to you to just ASK them if they would consider picking it up for you? I mean, that seems like a logical possibility to me.
I never would have even asked them if I knew that they simply won't get on the interstate. Of course I wouldn't have asked them had I known that. I would have saved all of us from a very frustrating conversation.
You have to know my parents, I guess. They can and always have justified the most preposterous decisions made in their own favor, over the years. Honestly, I don't know why anything they say surprises me anymore.
Here's just food for thought, not trying to make you feel badly.....promise
You need to be careful that you aren't so much a martyr that you make your Daughter feel like you feel about your parents. You should have flown out of Shreveport....She wanted to drive you. Don't make the same mistakes w/ your immediate family that you are blaming your folks for..
Good point. I honestly never thought of it. I am just not used to asking others to do things for me.
I had already booked the flight when she asked me why I hadn't flown out of Shreveport. Next time, I WILL check those options and take her up on that offer.
Ok, I get you now. You are one of the "sandwich" generation. Taking care of your parents, exhausting yourself, and it was more the principle. The way you wrote it it seemed more about the "kindle"....Take some time and find a support group, lots of them online...You are burning yourself out taking on so many responsibilities, and to get through it you need support. Thought you said your folks were in good health?? Anyway...take care of you. No body else will.
LOL my parents are in good health. My dad had outpatient surgery back in March - with an unexpected complication. He got an infection so his temp went up to 104 and I didn't feel comfortable leaving him with my mom, who can't drive, in case he needed to go back to the doctor.
My mother IS in good health - bouyant, exuberant health. She just happens to be a hypochondriac. Her stroke was ten years ago and she recovered nicely - just lost her peripheral vision, which is why she can't drive anymore. I guess fear of another serious health blow plays into her hypochondria, but she does drive everyone crazy with it. She has literally run out of doctors to "play" in her town. They know she's not likely to be sick at all when she shows up with internet printouts of what she thinks she has.
Yes, I am the sandwich generation. Sorry I didn't make that clear at first.
It's been good to vent on this forum, even though it can't take the place of counseling. People like you have given me some good advice. I feel so frustrated with my parents sometimes, and I DON'T WANT TO BE ANGRY AT THEM. I want to just relax around them - just enjoy them both, because I know I won't have them forever. They are so maddening sometimes though!
To the OPTION: they are taking advantage if you because you allow it. You are co-dependent. You are still trying to earn their love by being the good girl. Grow up.
Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk 2
I try to do the right thing for people. That's not about "earning love." It's about just doing the decent thing. I don't feel guilty or immature about that. They may be insensitive and selfish sometimes, but they are still my parents, and they DO depend on me sometimes.
Thing is, I don't feel like they take advantage of me - I just feel like they don't understand that in a civilized society, sometimes the nice thing to do is to reciprocate. That's the part they don't get.
I don't want to be forced to be hardline with them - to play tit for tat, like "OK, you didn't pick up my Kindle, so I am not going to pick up your beer for you." ThAT is what seems petty to me. I can't be responsible for THEIR actions, I am only responsible for my own. I still need to do the right thing, whether they do or not.
I still need to take my dad to his doctor appointment and be there for him when he has a procedure and can't drive himself home, whether he helped me when I was sick or not. How is it more "mature" to do otherwise?
I also feel like it's OK though, for me to call their hand when they do it. Is there something "un adult" about any of that?
See, this is what happens when I don't have a Kindle on a long night at home! LOL
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
