People who are lonely but will NOT respond to overtures

[R. Crusoe]

Originally Posted by CraigCreek

Low-level depression - not bipolar, just depression

Yes, I do believe it is the reason for her behavior. She is displaying the symptoms of her illness which unfortunately are not always understood by others who haven't experienced them first hand. Worst still, this symptoms are often mistaken as antisocial behavior by some. Most often the sufferers themselves don't even realize or accept the fact that they are being ill unless it is explicitly diagnosed and demonstrated to them, but this can be tricky. They know the symptoms well; they live with them almost all their lives but don't necessarily recognize them as symptoms of a common illness. It goes to show how ignorant we are about mental illness and how to handle it when we encounter one.

However, sometimes there is a social side to it as well apart from being an illness. There might be some deep rooted personal issues that worsen her illness, things that keep her ill, keep her from getting better. Being a friend of her, you might want to get to know her better and see if you could help her out there. That is, if she'd let you. You may fail but you've got to try as she may not be able to see through it and help herself that way. It is no use in trying to rectify the symptoms if you are unable to cure the illness.

[ByeByeLW]

I isolate myself from people I don't want to be with. They don't seem to get the message; they think I am being selfish, depressed, antisocial, etc.

I have been bullied a lot, even by my own family. They conveniently forget/deny it ever happened.

When I meet people I like (in my sewing class, while out doing photography) I am very interested in getting to know them better.

Then the fear kicks in. If my own family bullied me, what am I going to get elsewhere? I don't want to become some aggressive maniac pushing my friendship on others. Sometimes I'm not sure what to do.

Amy, I'd love to go to Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary one of these days

[Brennus MacBean]

There are different personality types. Some people, in fact the majority of people crave and require social interaction on a regular basis. They are extroverts. But 1/4 of the US population are introverts. They do not require or desire as much social contact as the extroverts. Introverts are not "wrong" or "sick" they just are what they are. Introverts require much more alone time and they get just as upset when they are intruded upon as an extrovert gets when they are isolated for long periods.

These tendencies can be measured by taking the Myer Briggs test which I recommend to everyone. It can help you understand a lot about yourself and can be a liberating experience.

I have always enjoyed solitude and solitary pursuits while almost everyone around me constantly exerted pressure on me to socialize and spend more time with people. loud Parties and the bar scene are extremely uncomfortable situations for me and always have been. I prefer to spend time with one or two friends. Our society tells us that this is wrong because the majority of society has the opposite response but in reality, what is right for one person may not be right for another.

If you want to be friends with an introvert, you must understand that there is nothing wrong with them because they don't need or desire the same amount of social interaction that you do. Accept them as they are. They have strengths that you don't have just as you have strengths that they don't have.

Another thing to consider is that an introvert may think that they are depressed or may actually become depressed because everyone around them and society in general is constantly sending them the message that something is wrong with them because they react to social settings differently than the majority does.

[WouldLoveTo]

^^^ Ditto! Couldn't have said it better. I rarely go out in social settings by choice. Parties just stress me out. I am far from depressed though, I absolutely enjoy my alone time be it at home or in nature. I will however go to classes or seminars if it's a topic that interests me. Much of the work I do involves a lot of people interaction, and on an overnight, the girl I was roomed with had a hard time understanding I was thrilled to be sitting in a room alone reading a book on my iPad while a few of them went to a bar. I was peopled out! I just wanted peace and quiet.

I have been like this all my life and never really had any issues with it, besides people who don't get it. I will by nature back away from someone who constantly makes demands of me and my time. Either you accept me as I am and don't take it personally, or I don't need you as a "friend". That said, yes I do have people I am very very close to, and most who know me well, know I would give the shirt off my back if need be. But nope, I don't need to go out on a regular basis. I can create all the happiness and entertainment I need. It's a rare day that I say I'm bored or have nothing to do.

I think this is why some people adore cities and others would prefer an isolated rural setting. Guess which I want?

Of course if your friend is truly complaining that they are lonely and no one calls, that's a whole other issue!

[amylewis]

Originally Posted by ByeByeLW

I isolate myself from people I don't want to be with. They don't seem to get the message; they think I am being selfish, depressed, antisocial, etc.

I have been bullied a lot, even by my own family. They conveniently forget/deny it ever happened.

When I meet people I like (in my sewing class, while out doing photography) I am very interested in getting to know them better.

Then the fear kicks in. If my own family bullied me, what am I going to get elsewhere? I don't want to become some aggressive maniac pushing my friendship on others. Sometimes I'm not sure what to do.

Amy, I'd love to go to Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary one of these days

You know, I really do get where you are coming from. After nearly 60 years of being bullied, used, exploited, betrayed, and abandoned I really do get it. You come into some really serious trust issues, and it's by far safer to just isolate, keep to yourself, and play it safe. I do keep an eye out for a possible friendship, something I never stop hoping for, but the spark never seems to happen with anyone anymore. Shared interests and openness to another person just never seems to happen these days. I'm not sure what others think of me at all, and anymore I really don't care.

Hey, what's at Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary? Can we fish there? Bass? I'm working six days a week now, so finding time might be a challenge.

[PsychicAleta]

I know the type. Have you thought about why youre attracting this type? Were you ignored, neglected or abandoned by either parent as a kid? If so, get counseling to heal/clear this and you may find you will start to find different kinds of friends.
You may also want to gently and compassionately point out to yr friend what you see/ what shes doing as seen by u and others. She may not realize it. I wld also suggest she likely has depression. Maybe she will get help if she sees that she is causing her own problems.
More advice for you- try meeting people OUT. If theyre already out, happy, fun, etc, they are the types who are likley to be not depressed, not loners, etc.
Whether friend or lover, think about what kind of people you want in your life. Where do they go? What do they do? Then go there and do that!
No need to dump yr friend. Just accept that she may never change and that she is the kind of friend you occasionally have deep , intelligent conversation on the phone with. If u have other kinds of friends too, and get to go out and party/have fun, it will be easier to also stay friends w/her.
I hope you will find a variety of friends and I hope your friend gets the help she needs to be happier ! God Bless

[amylewis]

Originally Posted by PsychicAleta

I know the type. Have you thought about why youre attracting this type? Were you ignored, neglected or abandoned by either parent as a kid? If so, get counseling to heal/clear this and you may find you will start to find different kinds of friends.

Well I wasn't talking about being attracted to any type, only about being excluded socially, but yes, I was raised by less than ideal parents, a self-absorbed mother who really didn't like kids, and cared only for her fun with men, then there was a step-father who beat me up regularly for 8 years and hospitalized me four times, which my mother blamed me for and would glare angrily at me when she had to take me to yet another different emergency room. So yes, my childhood came with some issues.

I've been socially excluded my entire life, shut out by the in-group, and others would only talk to me when their cool friends weren't around to see that. I was a pariah have always been and still am. The difference now is that I don't care nearly so much, having seen how many of the cool hip people in the in-group died of drug overdoses, ended up in prison, went through catastrophic divorces and lost everything, committed suicide, or ended up homeless.

They didn't turn out so cool after all.

[veuvegirl]

I applaud you for staying her friend, while I know it is hard on your side, I am sure she appreciates more than she is saying.