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I know what is going on, but that doesn't stop it from being way frustrating!
I know they are scared of friendship, relationships.
One person I know - who on the rare occasions we get together - she is funny, smart, deep, all together great companion. Then she gets into a slump - will not return phone calls, will not come out for anything.
Leading me to want to dump her as a friend, but I don't.
When we do connect, she will say how lonely she is, and how no one calls her.
I have a lot of people like this in my life, I seem to attract them. Maybe because I am sympathetic, I know what it is like to feel lonely. I also know that when I feel lonely - no one is going to save me - I save myself - going out in nature, call someone, do something, anything.
but some people seem to want to wallow in their unhappiness.
Yeah some people do wallow in their unhappiness, or rather self-pity, I think feeling like a victim gives them an excuse to not care I guess. People like this often don't change. Even when you've lent an ear, tried to support them, and tried to help them, nothing changes.
I tend to think If I am very supportive and if I'm there for them, they will change, but they don't.
That is hard for me to accept.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Postman
Yeah some people do wallow in their unhappiness, or rather self-pity, I think feeling like a victim gives them an excuse to not care I guess. People like this often don't change. Even when you've lent an ear, tried to support them, and tried to help them, nothing changes.
I've also had this experience, and there is a thread here about people who are social outcasts, pariahs, and shunned by all. I've been suffering this my entire life since early grade school, but at nearly 60 years of age still cannot understand it. So when I saw this thread with people who have had the same experience I sent them private messages, hoping to compare notes and perhaps finally arrive at a reason for it.
No such luck, they shut me out quite coldly. I so very much wanted to talk with those people, but they didn't want to talk to me at all. I make efforts to connect with others at every possible opportunity, and always I am ignored and rejected, even by those who say they have suffered the same social isolation I have.
I frankly don't know the answer to it, and do not at all understand why I have always been the social outsider, frozen out and ignored by all. Nor does it seem that I will ever find out, as those who suffer the same thing will not talk to me about it. Perhaps they fear that I will also reject them, so they make a point of rejecting me first. I really do not know, but if they will not at least talk to those in the same situation they have no complaint in my view, and their social isolation is self-enforced.
I also believe it is, for the most part, self-imposed. Sorry u had to go thru all that. I'm not a social outcast but have had my share of being pushed away /ignored/ just planned b*tchd at including by members of our association(home away from home) who were members of the diplomatic corps. So much for diplomacy, huh?!
I also believe it is, for the most part, self-imposed. Sorry u had to go thru all that. I'm not a social outcast but have had my share of being pushed away /ignored/ just planned b*tchd at including by members of our association(home away from home) who were members of the diplomatic corps. So much for diplomacy, huh?!
So these people were the diplomatic corps? Wow, sounds more like an exclusive little social clique to me, and everyone not of their group are outsiders to be treated badly. I see a lot of that anymore.
I can understand that some who have always been frozen out, or badly treated might well become insular and loners, a reaction to a lifetime of rejection and mistreatment, but if they don't at least make an effort to meet and connect with others they will always be lonely and isolated.
I really do try to meet people and talk with them, but it's a very hard thing to do as most already have all the friends they want and it seems they don't want to bother with anyone not already in their circle. Such people are viewed with suspicion if they try to strike up a conversation. "Why is this person talking to me? What are they after? What are they up to?" Suspicious looks, frowns, avoidance. Then up comes the icy wall and the freeze out.
Such has been my own experience for many years now. There seems no getting around it or past it.
Yeah some people do wallow in their unhappiness, or rather self-pity, I think feeling like a victim gives them an excuse to not care I guess. People like this often don't change. Even when you've lent an ear, tried to support them, and tried to help them, nothing changes.
You know it takes all kinds to make a world and some people are just a little more sensitive than others and you need to be a bit gentler when dealing with them. The ones like this who are brave enough to venture out or reach out will usually encounter some jackass who makes them wish they hadn't. The jackasses are well tolerated by everyone. But sensitive people fear being on the receiving end of their weak, childish bullying, so they isolate. No one ever complains about them and all the trouble they cause. I still think it is in their best interest to give people who are not like that a chance and try to get out more and socialize.
You know it takes all kinds to make a world and some people are just a little more sensitive than others and you need to be a bit gentler when dealing with them. The ones like this who are brave enough to venture out or reach out will usually encounter some jackass who makes them wish they hadn't. The jackasses are well tolerated by everyone. But sensitive people fear being on the receiving end of their weak, childish bullying, so they isolate. No one ever complains about them and all the trouble they cause. I still think it is in their best interest to give people who are not like that a chance and try to get out more and socialize.
Thank you for that!
You seem to understand the conundrum of the situation.
I know what is going on, but that doesn't stop it from being way frustrating!
I know they are scared of friendship, relationships.
One person I know - who on the rare occasions we get together - she is funny, smart, deep, all together great companion. Then she gets into a slump - will not return phone calls, will not come out for anything.
Leading me to want to dump her as a friend, but I don't.
When we do connect, she will say how lonely she is, and how no one calls her.
I have a lot of people like this in my life, I seem to attract them. Maybe because I am sympathetic, I know what it is like to feel lonely. I also know that when I feel lonely - no one is going to save me - I save myself - going out in nature, call someone, do something, anything.
but some people seem to want to wallow in their unhappiness.
When she gets into a slump, do you ever ask her why?
People have their reasons for being as you describe. It could be anything: not having the money to go out and do things with you and being too embarrassed to mention it, painful anniversaries of past trauma, problems with drugs or alcohol (you'd be surprised how well people can hide that kind of thing), to bipolar disorder, to a deep lack of confidence and self-esteem.
A little compassion will go a long way, both for you and your friends.
Yes, I have asked her, and she has offered some explanation. which amounts to, sometimes she is in a bad mood and doesn't want to socialize.
ok, I must respect that.
But I believe there is a combination of lack of self-esteem and selfishness. Lack of self-esteem keeps people from reaching out, but it also is a kind of selfishness. Bec. an unselfish person would think that the other person might like to get a call, instead of always being the one to call.
It gets to be a way of being, if you know what I mean. It gets to be an automatic response. What I notice is that people who have a lot of friends, do not worry a lot about - 'will this person respond favorably?' They tend to just reach out, and if they get rejected, they don't take it personally, they just move on.
this person I was talking out - for example. One day I invited her to lunch. She said she couldn't make it that day.
ok, that's certainly reasonable.
her next sentence was - 'but you can give me a rain date.'
yeah.. I could.. but so could she say, 'How 'bout this day instead?'
this might sound petty; I'm not basing a relationship on this one exchange. I've known this woman for years, so I know how she operates.
It's just an example of a person who doesn't have the confidence to extend an invitation, and instead prefers to wait passively.
I'm not saying any of this makes her a bad person; it's just I find the behavior puzzling.
It seems like she is acting against her own good.
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I still think it is in their best interest to give people who are not like that a chance and try to get out more and socialize.
