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I am going on 57. I have always had the best conversations with older gentlemen most of my life. My father doesn't count as we had no adult relationship and he died early. Not that I don't enjoy conversation with women, far from that, but I learned to talk to women older than myself early on and it was really fun.
Now I am the old guy talking to younger women. Married women are scary as they forget they have husbands at times.
I know a 95 years young gentleman who knows too much - who wouldn't after 95 years? - but gets tripped up by some very recent technology. He is well aware of the development of the computer and it's first practicle uses as he worked with Grace Hopper . He has great stories.
You're white, he's rice:
"99%" of text messaging with him is initiated by you.
You chase after him to sit with his dinner group, night after night, on an out-of-town trip.
He checks in with you for "about half a week" when your life hits a rough patch, and you read undying loyalty and devotion into it.
The age difference is almost completely irrelevant here. ("Almost" is because someone who can look back on situations and questions you're facing now is invaluable.) A healthy relationship isn't built on unilateral communications and one person's centering their life around the other without equal reciprocity. This man could be having a conversation with his buddies along the lines of:
"Wait a sec, Bob - just got texted...GEEZ, it's her again. Fourth time this week."
"I can't believe you put up with that, man, why do you? JOKING, bro. I've seen the pics."
"I try to let her down easy, but whenever I do, WHOOSH!" [gestures with hand sailing over head]
"For real though, I know you two go back a ways and it's not 'that' kind of crush going on here. What do you think her deal is?"
"Couldn't tell ya, gotta be a girl thing. I'm flattered by the attention just like you or any other guy would be, and I enjoy the chance to pass along my infinite wisdom and matchless advice..."
"Hang on, here we go..."
"But seriously, Bob, she doesn't know when to quit."
I've been in a warm, caring, platonic relationship with a divorced woman 19 years my senior since I moved onto her father's block in 1992. She inherited his house when he died, so we then became next-door neighbors until she decided to sell the place a few years later. We happened to "click" beautifully in some ways but not others (no sex, no hint of sexual attraction from either person.) Now she lives out of state, but we still call and e-mail each other regularly - not daily or even weekly. Sometimes I "reach out" and sometimes she's the one. It was like that when we could see into each other's living rooms too. After 22 years it's safe to say we'll remain friends until one of us dies. My point here is that no one should tell you it's bad or wrong to bond non-romantically with somebody whether you're decades apart in age or share the same date of birth. But the clinging has got to go.
You're white, he's rice:
"99%" of text messaging with him is initiated by you.
You chase after him to sit with his dinner group, night after night, on an out-of-town trip.
He checks in with you for "about half a week" when your life hits a rough patch, and you read undying loyalty and devotion into it.
The age difference is almost completely irrelevant here. ("Almost" is because someone who can look back on situations and questions you're facing now is invaluable.) A healthy relationship isn't built on unilateral communications and one person's centering their life around the other without equal reciprocity. This man could be having a conversation with his buddies along the lines of:
"Wait a sec, Bob - just got texted...GEEZ, it's her again. Fourth time this week."
"I can't believe you put up with that, man, why do you? JOKING, bro. I've seen the pics."
"I try to let her down easy, but whenever I do, WHOOSH!" [gestures with hand sailing over head]
"For real though, I know you two go back a ways and it's not 'that' kind of crush going on here. What do you think her deal is?"
"Couldn't tell ya, gotta be a girl thing. I'm flattered by the attention just like you or any other guy would be, and I enjoy the chance to pass along my infinite wisdom and matchless advice..."
"Hang on, here we go..."
"But seriously, Bob, she doesn't know when to quit."
[...]
While I do see your point, and have often imagined the above scenario you created above. It still is one of my biggest fears. However, I've heard from many of his other friends that he's too busy or he just doesn't talk to them or doesn't make plans, etc. He is an extremely popular guy. He's constantly surrounded by people, and I think he's just used to people coming to him for everything whether that be chatting, hanging out, etc., so if we didn't chat or I didn't try to ask him about hanging out, he wouldn't do it.
I cannot tell you how many times in the past 4 years, I have asked him if our friendship was okay, if I was talking too much, if I needed to back off, etc. Each time, he has always said "no." This summer we spent a fair deal of time together working on a work project. I originally wasn't supposed to work with him on this particular project, but he invited me to join. During those couple months, I felt our friendship grow stronger. I have a hard time believing that he would support me the way he does and talk to me as much as he does and count on me the way he does if he thought I was just a "clingy girl." If he thought I was clingy, why wouldn't he just tell me so he could be at peace?
With all this, I guess too it's a matter of perspective. One person may not mind a little clingy-ness, while another would have no tolerance for it. One person's clinger is another person's best friend.
Also, he's done more for me than just support me for "half a week" for me to think he's incredibly loyal.
I don't think it's wrong or creepy to be friends who's that much older. You probably talk about him all the time because you see him or talk with him every day, maybe you see him more than your other friends. After four years of friendship no one has "made a move" towards romance so I think you both are safe. If there was a move to be made it should have been done already. Sounds like he's the "cool dad" many of us have in our youth--someone who is old and wise like a father but easy to get along with too. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of younger people are friends with him. Maybe you have confusion or guilt about your relationship because it's unconventional and looks weird to outsiders. People will have their opinions no matter what, and so will you. It's OK if you feel insecure once in a while but don't let it stand in the way of a positive friendship. I'm happy for what the two of you have.
P.S. If he says the friendship is OK, then believe him.
since you always initiate contact are all your conversations all about you?
I am in my mid 60's and have a friend who is in her early 30's. I enjoy the friendship but have to say about 95% of our time talking are about her issues, her feeling, her life. I don't do much "sharing" because she contacts me with stuff on her mind already so we are already focused on her immediately. Also, to be frank, I view her as a fun person but not as a resource for feedback. When I want feedback on my own issues, I have other more worldly friends.
This is a bit long, so I apologize in advance. I have a very close friend of four years. He's almost 51 and I'm 24. He and I text every day (I initiate 99% of the time). He's extraordinarily busy with his job and things he does outside of his job that we don't get much time very often to hang out, but still he finds time to chat with me almost daily. When he has the time, he's happy to hang out with me. I know this because he and I went on a vacation with my church choir. Many times the choir would go out and eat at special places, I asked him several times if I could sit with him, and he said "Sure" without hesitation.
He's the most loyal friend I've ever had. When I lost both of my Grandmothers around the same time, he was there for me in a way none of my other friends were. He listened to my worries, cries, fears, checked up on me on a daily basis for about half a week checking to see if I had been doing okay. When my mom was relapsed with her cancer a little over a month ago and in the hospital getting chemo, I would just tell him all the stuff going on with her. I'd usually give him a daily update (sometimes graphic details), and I'd ask him if it was too much to send him all this so often or even the graphic details, and he said, "Daily is fine, and I have no problem with graphic details." He's done little and big favors for me, told me a really big secret recently, and so much more.
I really love the man with all my heart, and even though his busy-ness gets on my nerves sometimes and I get frustrated with him (to the point sometimes where he's like, "I can't understand why I can never make you happy") my love for him is incredibly strong. I've never felt such love for anyone before. As such, I do talk about him all the time. Every opportunity I get to bring him up in conversation, I do it. I think about him all the time too. The man has done SO much for me, and I've never really thought it odd that I consider him, who is as old as my dad, my best friend.
That is, until my sister was talking to me about it...
My mom had been doing her cancer treatment in my city rather than back where she lives (my city has one of the best cancer hospitals in the nation). She was released to leave the hospital, but she needed to stay in town (so, she stayed at her late mother's house) for two weeks so that she could go back and forth to the hospital daily for tests. One of my sisters took care of her while she was here as she needed 24/7 looking after.
I went to visit my mom and sister one night after work. I would eat dinner with them and then just hang out with my mom and sister at the house. My sister and I drove to the store to get some food to cook for supper. On the drive there, my sister asks, "Why don't you have any friends your own age? Why are you so close to someone so much older than you?" Well, I do have plenty of friends my own age, but they're not nearly as close as my other older friend. She thought it was really weird that I was so close to my older friend. She thought I should find some other friends that are my own age to hang out with instead. She thought it was kinda creepy for me to hang out with this older man and talk about him so much.
That kinda threw me for a loop. Is it really wrong to have these sort of feelings for someone who's so much older? I know he has friends who are my age, but I'm probably one of his better friends in my age group. He doesn't seem to have a problem with it. How should I take this?
It is weird. But I can understand where your sister is coming from.
Are you sure this is not a romantic relationship hiding in plain sight? I mean, you were nervous about asking to sit with him, and you seem to forsake other relationships to be around him. It sounds a bit intense. I know that some of us can only focus on our attention on one or a few individuals at a time. I'm like that. I tend to block out other relationships and focus only on one person. I'm not interested in working a room.
You probably should find other friends your age. At the same time, in your twenties people tend to be unreliable. Your friend has done a lot of things that you are going to do, and has been where you are going to go. I only hope that he allows you to discover life on your own, rather than put a damper on things because he thinks that they're stupid, and allows you to mature into being your own individual and allow you to make your own mistakes. It would only be fair, and would be the right thing to do, because we can get cynical as we age. I feel like this already and I'm in my early 40s.
He could be living vicariously through you. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it could be unhealthy for both of you in the long term.
Enjoy having a friend that is there for you, and don't worry about it. If people, including family members, would learn to mind their own business, wouldn't life be wonderful?
No, it is not wrong to have a friend who is 25 years older than you.
One of my brother's closest friends is a woman 25 years older than him.
But what is different is that he has a more equal relationship with her. They share many things in common, and are supportive of each other, and initiate interactions more equally. Initially she was more of a mentor/role model, but their relationship only grew with time and evolved into one of more equals.
Perhaps you are still to young for that evolution....
To me, your relationship with your older friend seems much more dependent, and your feelings are definitely intense and go beyond friendship. This is more than father figure or mentor of "just a friend". I was a little concerned by reading your posts, and also thought it was a little strange you didn't mention if you were male/female early on.
It sounds to me like you have a lot going on in your family, and I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother. I can understand that in times like this it is very very helpful to have a source of support outside of your immediate family. But I do worry a little bit that you are becoming a little too dependent, and it may not be healthy for you.
I strongly suggest looking for a support group for family members of cancer survivors. Increasing your circle of support with more people might be a good thing for the long run. I think you are having some doubts yourself as to whether this relationship is healthy, or else you wouldn't be asking your friend constantly about it.... or posting here.
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