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It is amazing how much time I spend talking to people I just don't like. They are family members, neighbors, coworkers, people who are in a number of civic groups I participate in, etc.
They are generally not mean or angry people but there is something about them that causes our socializing to be unsatisfying or just plain miserable. No chemistry, rudeness, lack of conversation skills, boring, talk too much, etc. For a variety of reasons I just don't like them.
My husband feels the same about a couple of his sisters. One time I was a little drunk and ran into his sister and she asked me why we never call them to socialize. Because I was a little drunk, I was so honest. I looked at her in the eye and said, "it is because my husband and I don't like you." We have not heard from her since. I wish it was so easy with everyone else.
Don't tell us we should just stop socializing with people we don't like. It is not that easy.
Based on this thread (and others you've created), my spidey senses tell me it's not them. I have never seen or known anyone who has such a dislike for such a large variety of people.
Not any more now that I am retired and the oldsters in the family are gone. It was inevitable in the old days of large family gatherings that there would be a few bad apples. But it was important to me to show respect and spend time with those who were important to me and I wanted the children to know their families.
Then there were the job reasons. Sometimes to get where you want to go you need to overlook the habits of annoying people. Showing up demonstrates a willing employee.
So for those times of irritation and inconvenience I learned how to get good at co-existing. And I learned that there is always something worthwhile for me in every gathering if I take some time and patience to look for it. If nothing else I learned what not to do in social settings.
I trust this is still a good skill to have. You never know who you may have to deal with down the road. . .
Depends on WHY you are hanging out with them. Are they family or family of your significant other?
I see or meet people say at a bar, if I don't like them. I ignore them right from the get go. I don't know if they don't like me back or if they just get the hint. But they don't bother me.
I find that at work, in family settings, in the neighborhood and in volunteer and social groups you need to be friendly and talkative to have everyone get along. No, I am not going out of my way to socialize with the people I don't like after hours or spending a long time with them, but just ignoring them and being aloof and cold is not a good approach. If they attempt to talk to me it is rude to ignore them. I am trapped into talking to them even if it is really unsatisfying.
Other times a spouse of a good friend or lovable relative will come along and to gain access to one I have to socialize with the other (the unpleasant one)
My story with the sister in-law is not how to do things and I feel terrible how it happened. (I had too much to drink!)
Last edited by things to say; 08-18-2014 at 01:14 PM..
I am a member of a special-interest group that meets once a month, which I enjoy a great deal. (Think of it as something like a bird-watching group, or a beer-making group, for example).
There are two members in the group who I greatly dislike. They aren't overtly rude, but they just exude a negative vibe that I find a complete turn off.
Unfortunately, I really like everyone else in the group.
I've struggled to tolerate the presence of these two. And they tend to show up every month (they are a married couple).
At a recent meeting, as the man spoke, I practiced just being completely detached while I listened to him speak. I just let his words enter my ears and then pass through, as if I didn't even hear them. This approach seemed to work fairly well, and I plan to apply it next month when he and his wife will be there.
I would love it if they would quit the group, but its doubtful they will.
That's a great idea, Kitten. I practiced the same thing just a few days ago. I don't have any children, and I love my sister's two young sons very much. Her youngest is 15 months, and although I love him dearly, I realized I don't have much patience for crying babies or jerks. On my latest visit, both of these things changed out of necessity.
My sister's estranged father (not my father) visited her for the first time. I immediately disliked him intensely. Not only had he abandoned her at birth, a fact he showed no remorse about, he was also pushy about his homophobic fundamentalist Christian views. I am very protective about my little sister and a lesbian agnostic, and keeping quiet about these facts took every ounce of self control I possessed during the two days I was with him. After trying to be openminded about this person who claimed to be my sister's "father," I eventually blew him off completely and ignored the majority of the garbage that her jerk of a "father" was spewing from his mouth.
Finally my sister dropped him off, leaving me to wait in her car with her baby. As soon as she left, her baby started crying at the top of his lungs. Despite my attempts to calm him, I was unsuccessful, since I wasn't Mommy. I discovered the zone of zen. I didn't hear the baby's cries. Her baby cried over 30 minutes and I turned deaf the entire time. Now I understand how people can "tune out" every imaginable noise.
Based on this thread (and others you've created), my spidey senses tell me it's not them. I have never seen or known anyone who has such a dislike for such a large variety of people.
there is enormous reward for socializing with those i dislike.
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