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It sounds to me like inheritance drama is looming. "Been there, done that" in my family. Geographic proximity was the invisible cudgel wielded a generation ago. At present it's been raised anew because of my having established myself some 850 miles away from my parents while my siblings are, respectively, in the same metro area as they and in a city a good bit closer to them than mine. I've gone so far as to regularly check the Websites of realtors in my hometown and even do "windshield tours" of appealing neighborhoods when there on visits. Then I give myself a who's-life-is-it-anyway pep talk. That, OP, is what you need to do for yourself whenever that discussion arises. Believe me when I tell you I know it's easier said than done. My folks are in their 80's, in good health but noticeably starting to decline. The sibs are circling their wagons pretty blatantly. For me the situation is different because I'm in a scorching hot area for real estate and stand to profit handsomely were I to sell. A significant upgrade in housing quality, while still keeping money in the bank, is a tempting prospect. BUT my whole life revolves around where I've made my home for many years - and my non-family reasons for pulling up stakes are largely unchanged. So I'm staying put, not with entirely un-mixed emotions. Chances are the same scenario is in effect here.
Good luck to us!
I have had similar pressure from extended family to move back to the Bay Area..... perhaps the most expensive area in the country to live, outside of NYC. So I feel your pain.
It is totally impractical for most of us, and you shouldn't sacrifice your future security. I actually think you are underestimating your potential costs/long term losses, and of course, you would live in a much much smaller place that likely would not be very nice. Nevermind, what about your life, your current job etc.. There is no guarantee at all that you can compete and get a better job in that area.
Just keep deflecting her hints, repeat that your current home works well for you at this "stage of life". Keep in touch with her, and always have your next visit on the horizon to tell her about so there is always something for her to look forward to.
It sounds like you care about your family, and fortunately your parents have lots of local support. No need to feel guilty. Your parents are incredibly lucky. Perhaps they do not realize how lucky they are.
Actually, most of us do not realize how lucky we are, when things are going well...
Nope, she has her big house, church group, yoga classes, volunteer activities and my father in assistant living. I plan on moving to a place that will have a guest house or additional bedroom for when she gets to that point, but she is not there yet.
Thankfully she is very active and healthy, and probably has the fitness of a 45 year old.
I don't understand your statement that you plan to move to a place that has a guest house for when she gets to that point. So...are you planning to stay in Oregon, or are you planning to move to California?
I don't want this to sound rude, but you are not a child. You are 50 years old. I am looking at this totally objectively. It seems like just maybe you have not totally broken the apron strings yet. You must be active and have your own life in Oregon. You cannot allow your mother's wishes to control you. There are many activities for her to get involved in where you live also. Tell your mother to move to Oregon where you are. There are beautiful assisted living places in Oregon for your father. I don't know where you are in Oregon, but I do know someone whose father is in assisted living in Oregon.
Also...you are saying that you plan to move to a place that has a guest house or additional bedroom when she gets to that point. First of all, again...that would be letting your mother totally control your life. You live on acreage in Oregon. Surely, you have more than one bedroom in your house now so that you would not have to sell your place and turn your life upside down for when your mother needs to move in with you??
Secondly, your mother is 80 years old now, is active, and seems very fit. Do you actually understand that she is 80 years old? Look at what happened to Joan Rivers! I cannot think of anyone more active than her, and she is only 81! The time for your mother to move in with you is now!! What is she waiting for? Anything could happen at any moment. Her life could change drastically overnight if she had a stroke or heart attack (Heaven forbid). She cannot wait until something happens before she moves in with you. If something major happened, she might not be able to move in with you...she might have to move into a nursing home.
Your mother has had 80 years to enjoy her life as she wanted to. Why should you have to give up your life and move back to California at 50 years old just because Mom wants you to? One of you would have to turn their life upside if you want to live together. It should not be you. It's your turn to live your life as you want it. You cannot let your mother make you feel guilty about this! I understand your situation. I am a single gal too. Maybe you should talk this over with a counsellor. Best wishes to you.
Last edited by Classy Sassy; 08-31-2014 at 09:27 AM..
Thanks all! I guess I just get so tired of people trying to make me drink the Kool-Aid. Yes there is a ton of opportunity in the Bay Area, but there is also a ton of competition. Two of my brothers have been unemployed for years, the other one...well he took his company public so he is set for life.
When I left 10 years ago, the family was not happy...but I struck out on my own and have survived with no help from my parents, or anyone...as that is the way it should be. I continue to have most of my client base in the Bay Area and travel in every couple of months...so I'm not feeling actually "living" there would increase my pay enough to pay for housing. Google was trying to recruit me, but it wasn't in my area of specialty...but the pay was great, $150K salary, $150 bonus and $200K stock the first year...so yes I see where my mother thinks I am missing out on opportunity, but also I did not get the position. Even with that kind of pay, living there is still cost prohibitive for a single income household in my opinion. Then there is the quality of life, before when I left I had made the decision not just based on housing / living costs, but I had one day where I had meetings in San Jose and San Francisco, I spent 7.5 hours in traffic that day.
My mother is kind, this has nothing to do with inheritance, but she just keeps making the "suggestion". I know she understands, but it still is frustrating some days.
Again, thank you...it was good to hear other people have struggled with the same pressures from family.
When my DD purchased a home in Los Altos it came with a 'mother-in-law' behind the garage. I wonder of accessory living quarters could be constructed on your Mother's property? Could both of you adjust to that much proximity? If so you could pay for it's construction with a life estate and if sold a generous share of the proceeds.
Your only other option is to tell your Mother that you can't afford housing in the Bay Area at today's prices but you will make an effort to visit her more often.
Your only other option is to tell your Mother that you can't afford housing in the Bay Area at today's prices but you will make an effort to visit her more often.
I can only add to the salary/cost of living here argument by saying I have never made a 100k in my day job and live quite comfortably here in the Bay Area...
It is true that it is often much harder to come back to a high cost of living area... know many that have moved to Oregon, Washington, Nevada, Arizona... etc... those that wanted to come back were definitely at a disadvantage.
It sounds like she's doing just fine. You need to do what's right for you and NOT FEEL GUILTY.
THAT^^^. Don't get pressured into something you're not comfortable with.
Believe me, I don't disrespect parents. I was right there at the hospital daily with my father when he faced his final illness and now my disabled mother has been living with me for nine years. But I don't believe parents have the right to make "demands" of their adult children, even when it's well-meaning.
It would be different if she were inviting you to come and live closer to her with her making up your financial loss. But if that's not part of the deal, do what's best for your spirit, not only your wallet. You say she is not currently in serious need. But you are in serious need to continue to build your life as you see fit. As long as you're not neglecting them (I assume you visit your father), carry on.
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Move Back to Bay Area
