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Anger is like poison we swallow, hoping it will hurt the other person, but it only hurts us.
You are not going to get the money out of your sister.
You need to accept that, stop focusing on her betrayal and move on with your life.
If you continue the need to get revenge, it is only going to make you look imbalanced and mean-spirited.
Yes, she did you wrong. Yes, she should be ashamed. But evidently she isn't. So let it go.
This. My dad was a here again, gone tomorrow dad for years. He would promise to visit me and didn't. He didn't come to my college graduation. He favors my other three sisters over me, I think. He said he loved me, then he would disappoint me over and over again. I was angry and very sad about it for 25+ years.
After not speaking with him for over two years this last time, he emailed me a month ago. He asked me how I was doing. He is 70 years old now. I am 37. I debated whether to respond. It occurred to me that maybe he wanted to make amends. He was living in India and I live in Alaska. I finally decided to answer. When I did, he told me he was coming to Alaska to visit and he wanted to see me. I decided to visit him and let go of all the bad feelings, as hard as that was.
I realized that continuing to be angry is a fruitless exercise. Anger is indeed poison. Nothing good will come of it. Life is short, and you never know when it's over. Family can be very hard to deal with. But they are so important. If you continue to be angry with your sister, you'll regret it. It won't help either you or her. Money is worth nothing compared to a sister's love. Friends are nice, but your family is your family, cradle to grave.
This. My dad was a here again, gone tomorrow dad for years. He would promise to visit me and didn't. He didn't come to my college graduation. He favors my other three sisters over me, I think. He said he loved me, then he would disappoint me over and over again. I was angry and very sad about it for 25+ years.
After not speaking with him for over two years this last time, he emailed me a month ago. He asked me how I was doing. He is 70 years old now. I am 37. I debated whether to respond. It occurred to me that maybe he wanted to make amends. He was living in India and I live in Alaska. I finally decided to answer. When I did, he told me he was coming to Alaska to visit and he wanted to see me. I decided to visit him and let go of all the bad feelings, as hard as that was.
I realized that continuing to be angry is a fruitless exercise. Anger is indeed poison. Nothing good will come of it. Life is short, and you never know when it's over. Family can be very hard to deal with. But they are so important. If you continue to be angry with your sister, you'll regret it. It won't help either you or her. Money is worth nothing compared to a sister's love. Friends are nice, but your family is your family, cradle to grave.
Scooby, I know you meant well by this post, and I like a lot of your posts, but seriously, this one made me want to gag. Some family members (of ANYONE) are wonderful; some family members are nasty, cruel, jerks. Why on earth should we forgive "family" ANYTHING just because -- SOLELY by accident of birth -- they HAPPEN to be related to us? (Note, I'm talking about adults.)
"Money is worth nothing compared to a sister's love"? The OP's sister has shown that she does not DESERVE the OP's love, respect, or money. I would cut her out of my life entirely, and good riddance.
I actually agree with the poster you quoted who said the OP should try to just let it go for her OWN mental health. You can give up anger without letting toxic people back in your life.
(I used to have romanticized ideas about family too ... until I started the process of special-needs adoption many years ago. Those kids were available BECAUSE of what their FAMILY MEMBERS had done to them. And I read so many threads here [and elsewhere] in which people write about the most horrific things that their relatives have done to them. So I just don't understand why anyone would still say "family is so important, from cradle to grave, no matter what." In many cases friends are SO much more loyal, kind, helpful, etc.)
It's clear you need to write off your sister from your life. Stop communicating with her and change your phone numbers. Just live your life like she does not exist anymore. If she ever needs help in the future, deny helping her. In the larger scheme of things $9,000 isn't that much money. You need to realize that the person loans made to a family member have to be treated like a gift when the family member refuses to pay you back. Learn from your mistakes. Never co-sign for anyone. Never loan out money again, unless you don't need to have the money paid back to you. The $9,000 you lost was the price you paid to learn this important life lesson.
Clearly, you cannot afford to loan out money. Instead, concentrate on improving your life. It sounds like you are living close to the edge since you became homeless as a result of your willingness to loan money. Improve your job skills, earn more money, and live below your means. You will then be able to improve your life and protect yourself from money problems and becoming homeless again.
Well, I didn't loan it to her. I trusted her. She was suppose to be paying the bills, she would refuse to pay her portion of the rent saying she didn't have it, so I would cover her portion, again and again. I didn't really keep track, she would give me a guilt trip saying I hadn't given her enough money. Trusting her I didn't keep track. I have depression and had started a new medication, which made my memory worse. I really had no idea how much I had given her for the bills, until about 14 months later, after I stopped taking my new medication and my concept of time began to come back. I'm not saying it was all her fault, I kept giving her money. It's the way she has behaved after that I am disturbed about.
Well, I suffer with depression and was isolating as much as possible. I did not have a bank account, she did. By allowing her to handle all the bills allowed me to stay depressed and not have to leave the house. So, yes, I know it is my fault, should not have trusted her so much. I felt she was better with money then I was. Ha, clearly she is very good with money. She got a bunch from me. The sad thing, I was happy to have her back in my life. I was happy she was sober. I could see she was paying off her court fines and taxes. I would have kept giving her money to pay the bills, but she got greedy. All she would have had to do is admit what she did. I could have just been done with it. It's all the effort that she has put into making it look like I am the dick for suing her and garnishing her wages.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
OP, you started your post with my drunk sister lost her job and got evicted. So you ended up signing a lease together and YOU let her be in charge of paying the bills. It should have been the other way around. Just because she got sober doesn't mean she all of a sudden became responsible.
Sorry this happened, but what were you thinking when you let her be in charge of the bills and paying the rent, you should have handled that.
This is the best advice on here.
If you could transfer the feelings and the physical toll this takes on the person causing the angst that would be great, but you can't, it eats you up inside and they don't feel a thing.
You end up with the ulcer, not them.
And many times once the parents are gone and you have a sibling like this the best thing to do is just cut ties.
Be thankful she will be on the other side of the country.
The refrain from that song: Let it go....let it go.... comes to mind. Of course I'll never think of that song again without picturing all those Marines in their break room singing along with it. If you've never seen that, you should google it. It will brighten your day. lol
I'm not saying ever trust her with money again. I know you can't afford to lose that kind of money but really? It's gone. Move ahead and above.
A few years ago, my drunk sister had lost her job and been evicted. I let her move in with me. I eventually had to move from the house I was living in, after 5 years. My sister had stopped drinking and gotten a job, so we discussed if we were going to continue living with each other, we agreed to and rented a place with a one year lease.
Long story short, she moved out before the lease ended, the money I had been giving to her to pay my portion of the shared rent and utilities was not being used for those things.
I ended up getting evicted as I could not afford to catch up, then pay the full rent and utilities on my own.
I took her to court and sued her, not for the money so much, but because of her attitude. She told everybody we know, that she supported me and she paid all the bills.
I won a judgement in court. She even said, "Take me to court, if the judge says I owe you, then I will pay"
I have had to garnish her wages, she quit her job. She has been avoiding me and evading me and putting great effort into not giving me a dime.
I recently learned that she has bought a new car and is getting ready to quit her job and move out of state.
Clearly she has money if she can afford to do this.
I have been staking her out, attempting to follow her to her new job to garnish her wages again. She is so paranoid, I have been unsuccessful.
She would most likely just quit her job anyway. She is leaving to move all the way across the country sometime in October.
I am so hurt, so angry about her whole attitude. If she had just offered me 20 bucks here and 20 bucks there, I would have been happy with her effort.
I want to contact all her's and our friends and tell them, if they can talk to her, if they can get her to give me any money toward the judgement, I will split it with them.
I want to go talk to some of her friends that she will be embarrassed to learn that they know what she has done, and ask them to talk to her. I think if somebody she respects tells them how they feel about what she is doing, she may feel guilty and make some attempt to pay me.
And I want to just go up to her house and ask her what the heck did I do to her for her to treat me in this way. Tell her I would like her to take me to her bank so she can give me some money.
I want to sabotage her car. I hope she needs a kidney and I am the only match.
The more effort I put into finding where she works, she more defeated I feel. This has been bothering me since it happened, it's like a big open wound.
How can I handle this and get some closure before she leaves to North Carolina. ?
Wave good bye and breathe a sigh of relief she is gone. You have actually got off lucky. Check you credit reports. Just because you are family doesn't mean you will get a fair shake and most probably never will.
Go out with some friends and have a great time and don't mention this to them anymore. Your friends are hurting too and you are putting them in a hopeless position.
Life is too short and this day too shall pass.
Scooby, I know you meant well by this post, and I like a lot of your posts, but seriously, this one made me want to gag.
(I used to have romanticized ideas about family too ... until I started the process of special-needs adoption many years ago. Those kids were available BECAUSE of what their FAMILY MEMBERS had done to them. And I read so many threads here [and elsewhere] in which people write about the most horrific things that their relatives have done to them. So I just don't understand why anyone would still say "family is so important, from cradle to grave, no matter what." In many cases friends are SO much more loyal, kind, helpful, etc.)
Goody for you. You have no idea what I've dealt with with my family, so I don't think you should judge my attitude to my own effed up family. My own deceased mother stole my identity when I was a child and ruined my credit when I was just 11 years old. She also threw me out of the house when I was 15 years old, then blamed me for abandoning HER. She sued her own mother, my grandmother, claiming she abused her, settled it out of court, then took my sister and I away from the entire rest of the family, which has caused a rift in the family in which they want nothing to do with my sister and I even now, despite the fact that we had nothing to do with what she did when we were children. She had problems with mental illness and just plain lousy money management. And you know what? I was mad for a long time about all this. And anger, resentment, and hate accomplished a whole lot of nothing for me and my life.I just try to think she felt cornered, and in her own messed up way, she loved us, and let these things go.
Family is still important. I'd give anything to have any family members on my team. It's easy for strangers on CD say, "Dump your family for whatever issue OP is describing in Post #1," especially when they only hear one side (and only the bad side of what has happened in one situation regarding a family member). It's especially easy when the posters a loving Mom, Dad, sisters, and brothers, or even if they don't. It's a whole lot harder when you are living when no mother, a largely absent father, no extended family, and only one sibling. And friends? Friends are awesome, but oftentimes the loyalty disappears, and it can even happen for trivial reasons.
The anger is eating away at you causing you to think of unthinkable things like, "I hope she needs a kidney and I am the only match." Yes, you have a right to feel hurt, but now you are beginning to think of behaving like (or worse than) your sister. You want revenge. Like everyone is telling you, you need to move on. If the anger persists and you are unable to move on, then get counselling. Do you want this to continue to eat away at you for the rest of your life?
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If you've never seen that, you should google it. It will brighten your day. lol
