How do I deal with this situation with my sister??

[Versatile]

Originally Posted by SocalPitgal

I know you all are right. I just can not believe she would do something like this to me. I helped her when the world turned their back on her. I trusted her. I keep asking myself, What did I do? If she hated me so badly, she should have just left alone, call me up and ask for my help then rip my world apart. It's hard to swallow.

Thank you.

Don't be a fool and drink from that well again. She will do the same things to you all over.

[SocalPitgal]

Originally Posted by Classy Sassy

The anger is eating away at you causing you to think of unthinkable things like, "I hope she needs a kidney and I am the only match." Yes, you have a right to feel hurt, but now you are beginning to think of behaving like (or worse than) your sister. You want revenge. Like everyone is telling you, you need to move on. If the anger persists and you are unable to move on, then get counselling. Do you want this to continue to eat away at you for the rest of your life?

I think that what hurts the most, other then the betrayal, is having to take a good look at my personal values and admitting they are not like other people's. I will no longer feel obligated to help anybody. Not even a family member. I always felt that was one of the things that created a relationship, weather friends or family, was the security of knowing that when the **** hit the fans, these people would be there to help.

I have always opened my home to family and friends who were going through hard times, let them stay with me to get on their feet. They eat all my food, break my things, make messes, take advantage of me, steal from me and when I tell them to go, I am the bit##.

I believed in karma and felt that I was strong enough to let these people "use" me, because it helped them. I felt that somewhere down the line, they would be in a position to help somebody else and remember what I had done for them, and help another. My sister has taken the last from me. I have no more to give. I have become a depressed mostly unemotional shell. Now I am having to redefine my values.

Letting go of this is a major step for me, it is the final attempt at holding on to my values when I have been shown over and over that my values are from the dinosaur ages.

People do not appreciate when you help them and they get mad when you stop. People are selfish and manipulate. Money is more important to many then life long relationships.

Thank you all for your responses.

[convextech]

Originally Posted by SocalPitgal

A few years ago, my drunk sister had lost her job and been evicted. I let her move in with me. I eventually had to move from the house I was living in, after 5 years. My sister had stopped drinking and gotten a job, so we discussed if we were going to continue living with each other, we agreed to and rented a place with a one year lease.

Long story short, she moved out before the lease ended, the money I had been giving to her to pay my portion of the shared rent and utilities was not being used for those things.

I ended up getting evicted as I could not afford to catch up, then pay the full rent and utilities on my own.

I took her to court and sued her, not for the money so much, but because of her attitude. She told everybody we know, that she supported me and she paid all the bills.

I won a judgement in court. She even said, "Take me to court, if the judge says I owe you, then I will pay"

I have had to garnish her wages, she quit her job. She has been avoiding me and evading me and putting great effort into not giving me a dime.

I recently learned that she has bought a new car and is getting ready to quit her job and move out of state.

Clearly she has money if she can afford to do this.

I have been staking her out, attempting to follow her to her new job to garnish her wages again. She is so paranoid, I have been unsuccessful.

She would most likely just quit her job anyway. She is leaving to move all the way across the country sometime in October.

I am so hurt, so angry about her whole attitude. If she had just offered me 20 bucks here and 20 bucks there, I would have been happy with her effort.

I want to contact all her's and our friends and tell them, if they can talk to her, if they can get her to give me any money toward the judgement, I will split it with them.

I want to go talk to some of her friends that she will be embarrassed to learn that they know what she has done, and ask them to talk to her. I think if somebody she respects tells them how they feel about what she is doing, she may feel guilty and make some attempt to pay me.

And I want to just go up to her house and ask her what the heck did I do to her for her to treat me in this way. Tell her I would like her to take me to her bank so she can give me some money.

I want to sabotage her car. I hope she needs a kidney and I am the only match.

The more effort I put into finding where she works, she more defeated I feel. This has been bothering me since it happened, it's like a big open wound.

How can I handle this and get some closure before she leaves to North Carolina. ?

Nothing that you do to her or say to her, or her friends, will make her become a better person. She manipulated you into thinking she was trustworthy and then she took advantage of you. I guarantee you she was planning it.

I know you want revenge, and I would, too, but the best revenge you can get is by CUTTING HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER and never looking back. Sure, it might take a couple years for her to figure out her loss, but at least you don't have to deal with her bull**** anymore.

Karma is hell. She will get hers, eventually. You watch and see.

In the meantime, do not let anyone else in your family talk about her in your midst. If they start talking about what she is doing, walk way and leave, and tell them she is dead to you. That will eventually get back with her, I assure you.

You have to cut her off, period, end of story, or you will forever be angry.

I feel for you, I truly do.

[JanND]

Do some research. Contact credit reporting agencies and list the debt she owes you. Do more research and find out how to put a lien on her tax return. You can do a few things to try to get your money back and get even.

That will possibly solve the debt....But, as mad as you are about the money, the biggest issue is you are hurt.

Hurt that after all you did to help her, she did you like this. I suggest some grief and loss and/or regular counseling....because to help yourself to get over this you will have to rely on yourself.

Your sister may have quit drinking, but she certainly didn't evolve or grow personally, or this would never have happened the way it did.

I hope that you can obtain some internal peace about this, it will not be easy, but you certainly deserve it.

[NoMoreSnowForMe]

Originally Posted by SocalPitgal

I think that what hurts the most, other then the betrayal, is having to take a good look at my personal values and admitting they are not like other people's. I will no longer feel obligated to help anybody. Not even a family member. I always felt that was one of the things that created a relationship, weather friends or family, was the security of knowing that when the **** hit the fans, these people would be there to help.

I have always opened my home to family and friends who were going through hard times, let them stay with me to get on their feet. They eat all my food, break my things, make messes, take advantage of me, steal from me and when I tell them to go, I am the bit##.

I believed in karma and felt that I was strong enough to let these people "use" me, because it helped them. I felt that somewhere down the line, they would be in a position to help somebody else and remember what I had done for them, and help another. My sister has taken the last from me. I have no more to give. I have become a depressed mostly unemotional shell. Now I am having to redefine my values.

Letting go of this is a major step for me, it is the final attempt at holding on to my values when I have been shown over and over that my values are from the dinosaur ages.

People do not appreciate when you help them and they get mad when you stop. People are selfish and manipulate. Money is more important to many then life long relationships.

Thank you all for your responses.

There are people in the world with your same values, who don't take advantage of other people.

The problem for you and I, is that when the user types are "trolling," we take the bait. I am re-training myself not to take the bait. They don't necessarily target us specifically (except family members), they are simply trolling all possible takers with their hard luck stories. Odds are, we weren't the first people they told their story to. The others said no.

I have to bite my tongue when someone tells me a hard luck story. My impulse is to help, to fix it, to come up with a solution. This is exactly what they are hoping for.

So, you need to have "rules" in your head, and a list of things to say when people turn on the tears, etc. Rules can include: I never let people stay with me, or I don't give people rides, or I don't lend anyone money.

And the list of things to say might be, "That's too bad, I hope you work that out." And when they ask you flat out for help, say, "I'm sorry, but I burned out on helping people. I really wish you the best, though." And if they persist, you can say, "I understand you need help, but I've reached my quota for helping people in this lifetime. Good luck to you." You can come up with a list yourself. It's kind of fun :-)

People might look at you like you're so mean, and turn on the tears, but odds are, plenty of other people had the strength to walk away from them. People who say no are the majority. People who say yes, are rare. Don't you feel special now, LOL!

I only know this, because I've had a ton of counseling, and even then it happened to me again when I moved here last November. I moved into a senior apartment building, and I'd hear how a senior had NOBODY to take them to their doctor appointment, sigh, what will I ever do!"

This was my cue to say, "Gee that is really a shame, gotta go!" But, that's not what I did, initially. I had to learn my lesson. Within just a few months I was "helping" about a half dozen of my neighbors. Who had apparently burned out the people they used before I moved in LOL! Somehow they got to their doctor's appointments before they met me.

I can tell you it's way harder to establish boundaries after the fact. I had to act kind of crazy and mean he he. I started saying, "I'm feeling anti-social today" and walk away. Or, "I'm on a mission, sorry, gotta run." They got to the point they would literally lay in wait outside the only way into our building. Nuts.

So, for us, who want to be helpful and kind, it's harder to establish our boundaries. But normal, healthy people have boundaries. And normal, healthy relatives don't expect other relatives to take care of them.

I never ask other people for rides, and pretty much never ask anyone for any kind of help whatsoever. You're probably the same way, too.

So, don't give up on humanity. Just give up on the losers. You'll have less "friends," but they'll be good ones.

[dblackga]

At some point, you just have to . . . stop.

Stop thinking about the money she took. Stop thinking about her behavior. Stop thinking about her new car. Stop thinking about her drinking. And, basically -- stop thinking about her at all. She is not a part of your life -- and this continued pursuit of her, and the continual pouring of salt into the same wounds over and over again on your part -- just keeps dragging the carcass of this relationship out long past the time it should have been dead and buried.

Easier said that done, because she's your sister, and you obviously have a strong sense of family. But it looks like you are the ONLY one in this relationship that has this feeling. You need to stop kicking yourself for putting your faith into a drunk and expecting the drunk to act like a loving sibling. She can't. She's a user, a liar, a cheat and a manipulator. *Shrug* It doesn't make you unloveable -- it just makes her less than zero.

Try to move on. Consider getting some counseling to understand why you are so vulnerable to her particular brand of poison, and to help you move past this emotional scar she has left in your life. At this point, she is still "winning" -- because she has you tied up in knots. I guaran-damn-tee you she isn't thinking about you for a moment.

Change your phone number. Get on with your life. Make new friends. And try to forget you ever had such a miserable excuse for a sibling.

[scottinpdx]

I would rather have that kind of person out of my life forever than the money back. But I am wierd like that!

[nms9747]

I firmly believe that you need some type of "closure" in this situation to truly let go and move on in life.
How about writing her a long (polite and respectful) letter detailing how you feel, why are things this way between us, etc... sometimes reading things have a more powerful effect than listening. Explain why your feeling hurt, mad, sad, etc... but don't put her down or call her names - that isn't effective and won't get you anywhere.

When you are done expressing yourself, mail it or drop it off in her mailbox before she leaves. Atleast you will have some peace within yourself knowing you reached out to her one last time to make things right ya kno?!

[SocalPitgal]

So the other day, I made a comment to a comment on FB and told my sister to "lets meet and talk"

Being in denial of this whole thing, looking for some closure other then just letting it go, I was really hoping she would be ready to just admit what she did.

She had bought me a soda, and we talked for a few minutes like nothing was wrong between us. She told me she is working for a telemarketing company making min. wage. She said with great joy that everyone is helping her to make her move across the country, my grandmother and my aunt have sent her money.

She said her friend was driving back with her and then flying home. That she was planning to stop several places along the way, including the Grand Old Opera..

She still denies that she owes me any money, saying my numbers are wrong. She sat and lied right to my face. Told me the same story she has been telling everybody else..

She denied owning a car, had borrowed somebody else's to meet with me.

I was so upset, I cried all night.

About 4 am I went over where she was staying, parked up the street and found a strange calm by sitting there in my car.

I hear a car door, about 6. I manage to follow her to work. I did not hide that I was following her. I pulled right into the parking lot. I asked her about some of the things she said, the day before.

She admitted she does own a car, but it is in the shop being tuned up so she is sure to not break down on the long drive.

I sat in the parking lot while she went into work. Hoping I did not run out of gas on the way home. Did not grab my purse, not planning to be able to follow her to work.

So, now I know where she works, could garnish her wages, for what two weeks? Can not add her car to the judgment, without some plate number.

I am over it. I will call the credit report companies and make sure they have the judgment info, I will contact a judgment collection company in the Carolina she is moving to and give them to judgment to collect.

I am washing my hands of the event, I wish her well. I am sad at the loss of my sister, but I just don't want her in my life.

Thank you all for listening to me vent and for offering your advice and suggestions.

[convextech]

I'm glad you did something to give yourself closure.At least now you can be rid of it. {{hugs}}