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Yup. When I had a boss do that one time (for something that wasn't my doing) all I could think was, "i've had better." Ho-hum, are you finished yet? My utter calm completely took the wind out of his sails in a hurry.
We can choose how to think/act/react/feel. Thanks for the reminder.
If someone pushes your buttons and you react strongly, you can learn about yourself that way. If we find someone "makes" us feel a certain way, we learn about ourselves. Not all negative emotions should be put to the side so easily.
If someone pushes your buttons and you react strongly, you can learn about yourself that way. If we find someone "makes" us feel a certain way, we learn about ourselves. Not all negative emotions should be put to the side so easily.
I agree. However, the way criticism is presented is the key.
That's it....you are not a robot that has buttons people can push....
Like I hear in this Non-romantic Section so much.
You have so much power that if you focused you would be like a laser.
Someone can scream 4 inches from your face and fire you...and still you can walk away
feeling fine....come on, guys!
I disagree I think people can make you feel all kinds of things. You are not in full control of your feelings or when they arise or which ones arise.
What we are in control of is what we do with them. Someone can make you feel anger - humiliated - and hatred - and it is at that point you choose to "walk away".
But you appear to mistake being in control of what you do with your feelings - with being in control OF those feelings. I do not think this is true at all. Just like one can not simply choose to fall in or out of love with someone. Would that we could - it would erase over night the world wide agony of unrequited love.
You can't control how you feel, you can control how you react to your feelings. Psych 101. (eta, most of the time. People with specific mental health problems or people without the tools to cope will react instinctively. the goal in therapy, often, is to learn skills to control the knee jerk reactions to intense feelings)
If you try to control your feelings, you can end up with a host of mental health problems. Feelings are not facts. They are to be observed before making a decision on how to react. Mindfulness is the practice of observing your feelings in order to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, and a compassionate one at that.
I think instead of posting lessons and lectures, its important to realize that *most people* are doing the best they can at the time with the tools they have.
I think there's a bit of truth to both positions. We can't ALWAYS control our feelings - but we can learn to control some of them. We can learn to control our responses as well. The funny thing is, when we learn to control our responses, sometimes we realize that lo and behold, we're not in the grips of uncontrolled emotions either!
Sort of like the simplistic but very true example of smiling when we don't feel like smiling - not when we're in the grips of grief, but just in our daily lives. It takes more effort at first, and then a bit less, and then one day we realize that we're not having to try so hard to smile - and then one day we realize that the smile is coming from our heart. Did we control our emotions or not?
I think that people only have as much control over us as we give them, generally speaking. I also think we can allow ourselves to get all worked up sometimes unnecessarily. For instance, I think back on the ONE time my boss yelled at me. Yes, my initial reaction was shock and anger and frustration. But I managed to control that initial response and when he was finished, I was able to calmly tell him that I was going home immediately (it was only about 2 in the afternoon) and that if that made him angry, then did I need to bother coming back Monday? If not, I'd just get my things right now and I'd have another job by Monday afternoon. (For the record, his position was unreasonable. If I'd actually been in the wrong - which I am sometimes of course -I wouldn't have been so ready to walk out the door because I would have owed him the effort to correct myself.)
If I'd chosen to yell back, or cry (which I wanted to do because I cry when I get really mad - LOL), or argue, I'd have gotten myself all worked up. But I managed to control my feelings and maintain my dignity and my inner calm.
And he apologized within the hour (he had to call me at home though because I was already gone - I am not going to put up with anyone yelling at me). If I'd let him get away with it, he might have done it again. As it was, we enjoyed working together for many more years and I still consider him a very good friend. But he can and will intimidate people if they let him. I just don't let him.
He flustered me but I didn't let myself get too rattled. I felt emotion, but I also controlled that emotion. So I think it works both ways.
Yup. When I had a boss do that one time (for something that wasn't my doing)
all I could think was, "i've had better." Ho-hum, are you finished yet?
My utter calm completely took the wind out of his sails in a hurry.
We can choose how to think/act/react/feel. Thanks for the reminder.
YES!!! A 1000 xs, yes.
I just want people to realize their own deep happiness and 'stop letting
others upset you so much'.
I disagree... You are not in full control of your feelings ...
Someone can make you feel anger - humiliated - and hatred - ...
But you appear to mistake being in control of what you do with your
feelings - with being in control OF those feelings. I do not think this is true at all.
And so it is and will be for you. People will continue to 'make' feelings arise in you.
Not so with me.
I can still get a small blip on my screen of, say, embarrassment, aggravation...but it lasts 1.5 seconds...
instead of 3 weeks of ruminating on it making it a huge deal.
This, I could have said in my first post.
We are human, we have past issues that trigger us, sure...but these triggers can be understood...
so when someone does 'something' that bugs us, we can calmly see
it for what it is...our issue and they have
really done nothing 'wrong'...so why be upset.... figure out our stuff and we're on our way
mastering our emotions that we often follow like a leaf blowing in the wind...we can be
cool, calm and collected inside and out, really...
With deliberate effort and practice.
But, if one doesn't believe that ...then the opposite will prove true to them. What we think we can not do...we can not do.
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