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People with calmer emotions will never understand those with wild ones. Actions from emotions can be controlled but by how much and in how long will vary dramatically. Emotions themselves can not else we'd all be quickly psychopaths.
But you're leaving out a group of people. The group you're leaving out is people who are passionate but who have learned to control not only their actions, but also their emotions. People do this in a variety of ways, some healthy and some not so healthy. I don't think it's healthy to refuse to acknowledge emotions, but I think we can tend sometimes to cater to them - and there's a big gulf of space to travel between those two mindsets.
"I just can't help the way I feel about this!" is a common refrain I hear. Well - sometimes you can and sometimes you can't.
Take for instance the classic example of confronting a fear - for instance, a fear of heights. You're scared to death the first time you go ziplining. Scared absolutely to death. Then you do it. On the next platform, you realize you're not scared anymore! Sometimes forcing ourselves out of our default changes our next emotional response.
I just want people to realize their own deep happiness and 'stop letting
others upset you so much'.
Right...people can treat you like crap with no consequences...I'm sure karma will take care of it but I'll just have a smile on my face because even if my anger would be justified, what's the point. ????????
The OP can speak for herself, but what I think she is talking about is what happens when you start practicing meditation. I'm certainly no expert, but a meditative practice teaches you to recognize your thoughts, feelings and reactions and then to let them go so that they don't control you. If you read about a senseless tragedy, you do feel sad, but you are aware of what you feel and are able to let it go. One technique is to picture your thoughts as clouds in the sky and watch them blow away in the wind. The result is not that you don't feel things, but that the feelings don't take over your life and incapacitate you. Nor does being in control of your feelings mean that you can't take action to right a wrong. To the contrary, social workers, etc. who work on the front lines of child abuse have go be able to NOT let their feelings dictate their actions. Otherwise they'd be curled up in a corner crying all the time.
When a person treats you badly, if you are able to realize that everything they say and do is about them and not about you, you won't be affected by their words. Again, it doesn't mean that you stick around for more abuse--it means that you recognize them for who they are and are rationally able to remove yourself from the situation. Or, if for some reason you either cannot or do not want to remove yourself, you can still control the way you feel about yourself and your situation.
Again, I don't mean to speak for the OP, but many people post about situations in their lives in which they appear to feel powerless, when the reality is that they are in complete control of how they feel about the situation, and in turn, how they react to what is happening. You can teach yourself to get to a point where other peoples' actions do not affect you much at all. It's not even particularly difficult, although it does take time and practice.
But you're leaving out a group of people. The group you're leaving out is people who are passionate but who have learned to control not only their actions, but also their emotions. People do this in a variety of ways, some healthy and some not so healthy. I don't think it's healthy to refuse to acknowledge emotions, but I think we can tend sometimes to cater to them - and there's a big gulf of space to travel between those two mindsets.
"I just can't help the way I feel about this!" is a common refrain I hear. Well - sometimes you can and sometimes you can't.
Take for instance the classic example of confronting a fear - for instance, a fear of heights. You're scared to death the first time you go ziplining. Scared absolutely to death. Then you do it. On the next platform, you realize you're not scared anymore! Sometimes forcing ourselves out of our default changes our next emotional response.
I agree that everyone has a range that they are able to work at and many people don't work at it and use the "I can't help it" as an excuse instead. However that range is also limited by how strong or weak their emotional responses naturally are and what the particular emotional situation is. Someone truly afraid of heights would not be able to physically get up on a zipline. Even if they do rather than remove the fear it will likely be reinforced rather than removed. Your example shows someone far closer to the norm who has a perceived fear of heights artificially brought upon themselves. That can easily be removed by facing the fear. On the other hand the example the reaction to a workplace confrontation should be controllable due to the nature of the event and emotion. It will be harder for someone with a temper to control but not impossible.
The problem with what you say is that things like fear of heights are real fears. You can hurt yourself and even die from heights. In my opinion many people have too little fear of these things. 'Negative' feelings like fear can be healthy as well. It prevents us doing stupid things.
I agree with Lilac and disagree with the bolded part above.
I am very familiar with the "be cool" Eastern school of philosophy. An ideal man to them is a Sthita-Pradnya or "Steady Minded" man. Always doing self-examination.
But a long life has taught me that sometimes, these are very sophisticated justifications for "blame yourself first, change yourself first", bordering on sophistry.
For example, Jesus turning the other cheek. Similar story about Buddha.
If somebody shouts 4 inches from your face, the natural and dare I say, correct response is to get upset and push them away or shout back at them. Don't take guff, put them in their place. Unjustifiable behavior is a form of injustice and you should fight back.
It is not a sin to cry, be emotional, be angry, react naturally to life. Be yourself.
There is a much deeper meaning to it in the Eastern school. You have to do your duty. Self examination comes next. If you are a soldier , its your duty to defend yourself and kill in the process if required.
I agree that everyone has a range that they are able to work at and many people don't work at it and use the "I can't help it" as an excuse instead. However that range is also limited by how strong or weak their emotional responses naturally are and what the particular emotional situation is. Someone truly afraid of heights would not be able to physically get up on a zipline. Even if they do rather than remove the fear it will likely be reinforced rather than removed. Your example shows someone far closer to the norm who has a perceived fear of heights artificially brought upon themselves. That can easily be removed by facing the fear. On the other hand the example the reaction to a workplace confrontation should be controllable due to the nature of the event and emotion. It will be harder for someone with a temper to control but not impossible.
The problem with what you say is that things like fear of heights are real fears. You can hurt yourself and even die from heights. In my opinion many people have too little fear of these things. 'Negative' feelings like fear can be healthy as well. It prevents us doing stupid things.
OK, you will just have to take my word for it, I guess, but I am VERY afraid of heights. VERY afraid, and for good reason. For starters, I can't seem to climb on a ladder without falling right off of it, and hurting myself pretty badly. So even getting up on a roof or climbing 6 feet up a ladder makes me break out into a cold sweat. So I'm not a likely candidate for zip lining.
But ziplining in a safety harness with a double cable really isn't particularly dangerous. It FEELS scary but it's honestly not very dangerous. And yes, I was scared to death, sweating with fear, the first time I did it. But part of why I wanted to do it was to conquer this fear. And within about 45 minutes I was a zip lining "pro!"
I'm still scared of heights, but I know that if I have to pull myself together, I have it somewhere deep down inside me, which I really didn't know before.
The OP can speak for herself, but what I think she is talking about is what happens when you start practicing meditation. I'm certainly no expert, but a meditative practice teaches you to recognize your thoughts, feelings and reactions and then to let them go so that they don't control you. If you read about a senseless tragedy, you do feel sad, but you are aware of what you feel and are able to let it go. One technique is to picture your thoughts as clouds in the sky and watch them blow away in the wind. The result is not that you don't feel things, but that the feelings don't take over your life and incapacitate you. Nor does being in control of your feelings mean that you can't take action to right a wrong. To the contrary, social workers, etc. who work on the front lines of child abuse have go be able to NOT let their feelings dictate their actions. Otherwise they'd be curled up in a corner crying all the time.
When a person treats you badly, if you are able to realize that everything they say and do is about them and not about you, you won't be affected by their words. Again, it doesn't mean that you stick around for more abuse--it means that you recognize them for who they are and are rationally able to remove yourself from the situation. Or, if for some reason you either cannot or do not want to remove yourself, you can still control the way you feel about yourself and your situation.
Again, I don't mean to speak for the OP, but many people post about situations in their lives in which they appear to feel powerless, when the reality is that they are in complete control of how they feel about the situation, and in turn, how they react to what is happening. You can teach yourself to get to a point where other peoples' actions do not affect you much at all. It's not even particularly difficult, although it does take time and practice.
I'm going to have to try this. I spent quite a bit of time tossing and turning last night.
It wasn't that people were mean to me, it was my reactions to their "normal" behavior. They just are not very smart, bright, open minded, have common sense, who knows. Their thought processes just make my head spin.
Maybe part of it is that we grew up in a small town and their minds haven't expanded.
I wasn't pleased with my response to them. I didn't say anything too bad, it was that I had to keep so much locked up.
It is what you DO with those when they happen that you have control over.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
So do not presume you have control over it when you really do not.
Haha, no, I will presume you don't have control...and of course, that is fine with me.
Again, we will disagree.
The perfect example is (and not for you monumentus, but for others interested and still reading.. . ...not what we 'do'
with our emotions when a co-worker ignores us
or doesn't invite us with the gang afterwork...
What I am saying, believing, encouraging ...for those that are interested, that is...is when this
is noticed by you to not care at all, not be bothered in the least , internally and right at the moment
it happens.
Not putting on a fake smile.
just not being bothered at all, from the beginning.
Seeing things for what they are...external... of your inner experience of strength, clarity and deep contentment.
Now, if someone believes that is impossible.... believing others will
always 'make' you feel unwanted hurts or angers or jealousies....well, gee, this thread and
encouragement
to be a Jonathon Livingston Seagull is not for you.
... meditative practice teaches you to recognize your thoughts, feelings and reactions and then to let
them go so that they don't control you.
If you read about a senseless tragedy, you do feel sad, but you are aware of
what you feel and are able to let it go.
... social workers, etc. who work on the front lines of child abuse have go be able
to NOT let their feelings dictate their actions.
Otherwise they'd be curled up in a corner crying all the time.
When a person treats you badly, if you are able to realize that everything they
say and do is about them and not about you, you won't be affected by their words.
Again, I don't mean to speak for the OP, but many people post about situations in
their lives in which they appear to feel powerless,
when the reality is that they are in complete control of how they feel about the situation....
You can teach yourself to get to a point where other peoples' actions do not affect
you much at all.
It's not even particularly difficult, although it does take time and practice.
Now why didn't I say it that way?
I didn't give ways to achieve this clarity or an observing mode...but yes,
I've been meditating for over 4 decades for
many many hours at a time...as background on me.
People speak a different language that have been effected by deep meditation.
There is the language of 'can't and the language of 'can'.
They don't seem to understand each other.
In my opinion, many people have too little fear of these things.
'Negative' feelings like fear can be healthy as well.
It prevents us doing stupid things.
Yes.
One of the books I give out the most in paperback now is "The Gift of Fear".
Remember, I am not advocating being a robot, I say that alot...it is not to be
a sociopath with no conscience, either.
I'm saying, for those reading...it is valuing your inner peace so much and being so connected
to that that
silly slights and dents in your car don't give you a blip...or if so...for 1.5 seconds then
you're fine.
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