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You've made two points in particular that I am really taking to heart:
Quote:
Originally Posted by j_k_k
I have finite emotional, physical, financial, and temporal resources.
The world has infinite need for those resources, which I could not exhaust in a thousand lifetimes.
At some point, I will have to pick and choose, and learn to say 'no.'
This is so elegantly simple, yet powerful. To understand your own limited resources and devote those to the people in your life that bring you joy instead of sucking away at you. For me, it's feelings of guilt that I "haven't been a good brother" because I've avoided them for so many years (for reasons I won't go into here). I don't see my brothers as evil, but they are definitely emotional leeches and if I open myself up to them I will have less to give to my own wife and kids, and other important people in my life. This is the other point you make that I like so much:
Quote:
Originally Posted by j_k_k
Every minute I spend with my aunt, lecturing me on why I should reconcile with my sister because it would make said aunt feel better, I could be spending with my uncle or first cousin, both of whom are the only family members ever even to take offense on my behalf at guilt-tripping. I do not want to deny my uncle and cousin part of the affection I feel they have earned, by giving it to my aunt, who rewards it with guilt trips.
Yes again. My two sisters are really great people, and I have adult nieces and nephews with families of their own with whom I have a good relationship. Those relationships should occupy my thoughts first, instead of ruminating over relationships with brothers who are strangers to me (and I to them).
What still binds my brothers and me together is my elderly mother. When I visit her, a visit to the brothers is usually part of the agenda. I know if I told my mom that I don't want to visit them it would make her feel bad, and that's something I don't want to do. But I really would feel better if I did not see them. I probably will end up going to whatever weekly motel or dive apartment complex they live in just to not upset my mom. I just won't bring my wife and kids.
Toxic people are toxic people whether related or not. I'm in the same boat with my brother who is my only living relative. I cut him out of my life decades ago and never regretted it. I have friends who are more family to me then he will ever be. We train people how to treat us Cara by the boundaries we set. You are the only one that can set those boundaries. For me life is too short to spend a minute with a rectum. Blood or not.
What still binds my brothers and me together is my elderly mother. When I visit her, a visit to the brothers is usually part of the agenda. I know if I told my mom that I don't want to visit them it would make her feel bad, and that's something I don't want to do. But I really would feel better if I did not see them. I probably will end up going to whatever weekly motel or dive apartment complex they live in just to not upset my mom. I just won't bring my wife and kids.
It's a tough situation. As a person of empathy and goodwill, you think not only of your own feelings, but your mother's. In such a situation, the short version is that someone's taking the hit, unless communication is possible. And it is not always possible. My family still do not know my version of why I disowned my ex-sister; they have never asked me. Whether I choose to view that as they don't care enough to ask me, or to see it as them respecting my privacy, or that they're afraid to touch the hornets' nest of a subject, I guess that's up to how charitable I'm feeling, but I have a family that does not believe in or value communication. So I can understand that others may not be record-setters at communication either.
Which is a long way of saying that it would be really nice, ideal even, if it were possible to tell your aging mother the plain truth. That you care deeply for her, and that your brothers have been abominable, and that in the past you have endured and suffered their presence just to make her happy. And if that were possible, you could even perhaps ask her if she is capable of saying, and meaning: "Son, I never want you to suffer. If you are suffering for my sake, rather you stopped than continued it. Thank you for being honest with me. If you want to avoid your brothers in the future, I'm not going to let that bother me."
But I do realize that not all aging parents will listen to the plain truth, nor respond to it. Mine in particular. She just shuts down if it's anything she doesn't want to hear. So good luck.
sometimes in order to stay healthy, we have to distance ourselves from certain family members
be open to things changing in the future, which usually does not happen unless a person engages in some form of self-growth or self-improvement such as counseling, therapy, or 12-step work
best wishes, you are responsible for your own health, safety, well-being, and peace of mind
Avoid him but don't disown him. People keep changing all of their lives. He might learn something.
Celebrate his birthday this year. He is your brother. Be the bigger person.
Avoid him but don't disown him. People keep changing all of their lives. He might learn something.
Celebrate his birthday this year. He is your brother. Be the bigger person.
I see your point, but even doing that can be harmful depending on the parties involved. Some people are just that toxic where, even that little amount of contact, is too much. I never thought I'd be writing from this perspective (and, granted, I'm not yet there with one of my family members, whose mental illness is creating a lot of strife in the family), but my own experiences have led me to understand better why some people completely cut off their loved ones.
Go with your instinct, you can try to shutting him out and see what happens. You can always change your mind. He may keep a distance or reach out to you. Life is short, but do what you feel is best.
Him being jealous of you should not bother you, it's bothering him. Also talk and let him know if he continues belittling you, he is cut off.
My younger brother and I are estranged and have been for eleven years. We were good friends for many years and I thought I could tell him anything. One day I learned he told our mother one of MY secrets. It was a problem for me, but I didn't let on. I just knew I could no longer trust him. He was happily married and much more devoted to her family than his, which isn't unusual, but he began to treat me differently when I was around them. He would never be cross with his wife, but if he was annoyed about something he would berate me when I had nothing to do with it.
I kept the peace as long as our parents were alive, but after that, things got worse and finally I had enough. His favorite activity with me were many phone calls where he told me I didn't have to say a word. Just listen to him for an hour or so. I was the only relative he kept contact with. I knew every story he told.
One day he called and started in on me for not responding to an email. He was really angry. As it happens, I had answered his email, but his wife had deleted it. He had really been ugly with me. He decided it was still somehow my fault. It was the last straw.
I'm sorry it happened, but I don't miss the phone calls. This is only a brief synopsis of the whole story.
I haven't spoken to my youngest sister in over 10 years... Visited my mom last summer ans she and my wife said why not try and talk to her.. I tried she basically gave the FO look and that was that...
I really cannot believe people on here think you should keep a toxic or bad relationship even with family just because they are family....
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