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I think you're at the point of stepping back. You've tried to help her but there's really nothing more you can do. She needs to sink or swim on her own.
You can be available to offer advice and sympathy once in awhile, but that's it. Don't offer to be her reference, don't help her get any jobs and above all don't let her move in with you - you will most likely get burned with any of these. Don't offer any more help; be supportive if she calls and offer whatever sympathy you can muster, but don't offer anything other than sympathy and advice only if she specifically asks for it.
I know you feel a bond with her due to your shared backgrounds, but it's best if you start to distance yourself from this friend. Successful people and people who want to be successful surround themselves with other successful people; it's best for your own good to keep a distance from people like your friend who self-sabotage their own efforts to be successful.
I think you're at the point of stepping back. You've tried to help her but there's really nothing more you can do. She needs to sink or swim on her own.
You can be available to offer advice and sympathy once in awhile, but that's it. Don't offer to be her reference, don't help her get any jobs and above all don't let her move in with you - you will most likely get burned with any of these. Don't offer any more help; be supportive if she calls and offer whatever sympathy you can muster, but don't offer anything other than sympathy and advice only if she specifically asks for it.
I know you feel a bond with her due to your shared backgrounds, but it's best if you start to distance yourself from this friend. Successful people and people who want to be successful surround themselves with other successful people; it's best for your own good to keep a distance from people like your friend who self-sabotage their own efforts to be successful.
People like that will drag you down. Time for some distance. She will expect help and sympathy and give nothing positive, nor be supportive of you. Eventually she will resent your success and try to make you feel guilty.
Friendship is a two way street. When one person starts to upset the balance, it is time to examine the nature of the friendship.
There is some good advice here. Get some distance. Create some boundaries. Do not let her move in with you. It is not an easy conversation (and is very easy to cave in to her needs), but you have to have it. Just be honest. In short, your friend is a nut case and needs more help than what you can offer. Suggest that she seek help. It is time for her to deal with reality.
To be honest, I just want to hear your opinions. My heart feels heavy today.
OP, you can only help people who are helpable. She's one of those people who torpedoes opportunity, she shoots herself in the foot. The most practical advice might be to suggest she get counseling/therapy to get to the root of why she does this to herself chronically. That's all you can do. If you keep investing time and energy in this person, you'll just be spinning your wheels, and you'll get frustrated and ultimately, angry and resentful.
Sow your seeds of goodwill on fertile soil, and they'll bear fruit. You won't get the same results on toxic soil.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-11-2016 at 02:11 PM..
She's not your problem. She's an adult. It's up to her to put her big girl panties on and do something with her life. If she sinks or swims, that's on her. Not you.
To be honest, I just want to hear your opinions. My heart feels heavy today.
It's sad. There are some people who are committed to 'slow motion train wreck' as a lifestyle choice. No one can prevent them from carrying it through.
I'm not saying you shouldn't continue to help her, but I would suggest that you arrange whatever distance you need in order to avoid going into the vortex of epic fail with her. If she does not like that, it's unfortunate, but that's how it has to be. If her life affects your life, it will impair not only your happiness, but your ability to help anyone else.
Your friend needs to grow up and learn to want what is attainable. I doubt you can teach her that. I doubt anything but life events can teach her that.
I feel for you, since I have a mother who handles life the way your friend does.
You can't help her. You can say and feel fine about the fact that you tried but ultimately it's her life to live well or to fail to fulfill her potential. You relate to her having overcome difficulties but this is where you essentially part company. You are carrying on with your life, she is regressing. No one around her is fooled by her "disability" and have no patience with her antics, Like Ted Bear and kab said, these people can become a millstone around your neck if you allow it. You need to get some distance and perspective. It's sad but she's choosing her path.
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