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Honestly, she sound depressed, and is not thinking rationally. This is common with depression.
If she is not being seen by a psychiatrist or counselor, she needs to. I see no disability here that would qualify her for applying for long term disability, so honestly.... I would not encourage her to go down that route. Unless there is something you have left out, and that she is closely followed by a psychiatrist who has encouraged her to apply for disability?
Probably the best thing you could do is help her sign up for healthcare/Obamacare online if she is now eligible. She should be eligible for Medicaid if she is not working. Encourage her to see a therapist to help her talk through her problems. It is hard to find this when you are on Medicaid, unfortunately...... She will quickly figure out she cannot get on disability without a doctor's long term care/diagnosis/support, so that could be a way to get her there....
You are a good friend. I would caution you to keep some healthy distance (i.e. I would not have her move in as a roommate long term), but I would not abandon her suddenly. I've certainly made some tough choices in my life, as many of us do, and it hurts when everyone abandons you. I don't think she deserves that.
I have been friends with a woman for about 10 years. We met during an internship. We both come from tough backgrounds, but we have both managed to earn graduate-level education. I felt so proud of her, but I noticed she had significant issues which caused me to keep my distance. I did keep in touch with her and check in from time to time.
She has been making the same mistakes in her personal life for several years. She first started dating coworkers, which I told her is a bad idea. She then somehow ruined her reputation during the internship program and burned bridges. She was kicked out of one graduate program at school. I mentioned to her years ago, that the agency we interned for will not hire her due to her reputation there and the fact she has been there too long. After earning her Master's degrees, she continued on as an intern while she pursued her PhD. She did not want to leave and was set on the agency. I left the internship program five years ago and have been working full-time in my career. Unfortunately last week, she informed me she was kicked out of the PhD program which will cause her to lose her internship.
She claims she has a disability that doesn't allow her to work many hours, but she finds time to go on dates. Three months ago she was crying that she feels so alone and she needs help, so I offered to help her anyway possible. I gave her a bug hug and made her dinner. She said needed someone to help her shower and get dressed for interviews. I noticed that she did not seem like she needed my help, but since I offered I followed through for two days. I woke up at 4 am to be there on time so she will get to her interviews. She did not get the job, which I knew that because she was not prepared at all.
Long story short:
-She called me telling me she was kicked out of school and that she will lose her internship. I told her she should try to find work asap (but I have been telling her this for years.)
-She said she wants to ONLY work for the agency we interned with, but I told her they will not hire her and they have made that very clear since they continuously pass her up for other interns, and have done so for the past ten years. She also mentioned she deserves six figures.
-She said her disability doesn't allow her to work much, so I suggested she apply for disability asap. Her response is it takes too much time.
-She has no money and no plan
As much as it hurts, I really can't help her. It is so sad to see someone ruin their life like this.
Wow. Lots of things there don't add up, but I assume you're keeping a very long story short and leaving out details to protect anonymity. I agree it sounds like you've done all you can and more than most would do, and you just can't help someone who won't help herself.
If anything, you're enabling her behavior. How can someone that age not know how to dress for an interview and get there in time?
She's a grown woman, time for her to live with the consequences of her own actions.
While I do not think that you were enabling her by suggesting that she wear something else to a professional interview, I remember when my daughter was in HS and applying for jobs. Even at 16 she knew that you did not wear pink (unless it was an accent color with a black jacket & black skirt) and skater shoes to an interview and these were interviews at fast food restaurants.
You can give advice to a point. You can even do a favor. But you cannot save someone from himself. And if you don't learn to abandon the savior complex, you will get dragged down with them.
I had a very good friend like that. Great guy, but he made one idiotic decision after another. He had high risk insurance because he kept totaling cars. He hung out with total losers who did nothing but drink themselves into a stupor every night. He got engaged to a total, lying psychopath of a woman despite the fact that he had absolute proof that she was a total, lying psychopath. He couldn't keep a job because he'd screw up.
The last straw was when I had to drive 300 miles round trip in the middle of a Sunday night because his ride was busted for DUI and he had a presentation the next morning at 8 a.m. that his job depended on. Which led me to wonder why a) He was out drunk as Cooter Brown 150 miles from home at 10 p.m. on the night before a huge presentation and b) why he had finished his presentation, having to pull an all nighter. I finally deposited him at his apartment that morning at 4 a.m. He blew the presentation and got fired. Then he lost his lease and wanted to move in with me. I just told him no, suggesting he live with his parents for a while. I was already working two jobs and supporting my recently-widowed mother. That was misery I just didn't need.
So I cooled it for a long time on our friendship. He finally got his act together and met someone sane. But we are not as close as we once were.
I have been friends with a woman for about 10 years. We met during an internship. We both come from tough backgrounds, but we have both managed to earn graduate-level education. I felt so proud of her, but I noticed she had significant issues which caused me to keep my distance. I did keep in touch with her and check in from time to time.
She has been making the same mistakes in her personal life for several years. She first started dating coworkers, which I told her is a bad idea. She then somehow ruined her reputation during the internship program and burned bridges. She was kicked out of one graduate program at school. I mentioned to her years ago, that the agency we interned for will not hire her due to her reputation there and the fact she has been there too long. After earning her Master's degrees, she continued on as an intern while she pursued her PhD. She did not want to leave and was set on the agency. I left the internship program five years ago and have been working full-time in my career. Unfortunately last week, she informed me she was kicked out of the PhD program which will cause her to lose her internship.
She claims she has a disability that doesn't allow her to work many hours, but she finds time to go on dates. Three months ago she was crying that she feels so alone and she needs help, so I offered to help her anyway possible. I gave her a bug hug and made her dinner. She said needed someone to help her shower and get dressed for interviews. I noticed that she did not seem like she needed my help, but since I offered I followed through for two days. I woke up at 4 am to be there on time so she will get to her interviews. She did not get the job, which I knew that because she was not prepared at all.
Long story short:
-She called me telling me she was kicked out of school and that she will lose her internship. I told her she should try to find work asap (but I have been telling her this for years.)
-She said she wants to ONLY work for the agency we interned with, but I told her they will not hire her and they have made that very clear since they continuously pass her up for other interns, and have done so for the past ten years. She also mentioned she deserves six figures.
-She said her disability doesn't allow her to work much, so I suggested she apply for disability asap. Her response is it takes too much time.
-She has no money and no plan
As much as it hurts, I really can't help her. It is so sad to see someone ruin their life like this.
My impression (and it's just an impression) is that she has mental or emotional problems and at this time is incapable of working full time. When it gets to the point of not being able to shower & dress and get to an interview, that is a serious point and shows one is incapable of working, which requires much more effort than getting dressed.
She needs to turn to family. That's what family is for. You cannot fix her problems. She needs professional help, plus family love.
I don't understand about agencies and internships, so there's that. To me, a person gets an internship while attending school or for a short while afterwards, then gets a job.
She may be in a field of work that she is not suited for. Some graduates find themselves in that position. She can still use her degree(s) for other fields of work.
You can't dig her out of the hole, no matter how much you wish you could. Don't let someone else's problems drag you down or interfere with your life too much.
IMO, it was WAY over the line and not helpful to her to go to her place & help her get ready for her interview. At that point, you should have told her that she was unable to work at the job, even if hired, if she was incapable of getting dressed for it. To bring home to her how serious her problems are. (Altho it would've been fine to tell her generally what to wear, although even an 18 year old can Google how to dress for an interview.)
It could be that it's her trying to be successful in a field she's unsuited for that is her downfall, and that she would thrive in some other field. But that's for her and a professional and her family to decide.
You can't change or fix her. She is the only one who can change or fix her. You can be her friend but that's it!
And if she is truly disabled, a place like Catholic Charities can help her wade through the process. But it sometimes takes years to actually be approved and get the benefits. She needs a plan for the interim.
It sounds to me like she is self sabotaging. There is no way for us, or you, to know why she does this. She needs to do some self work to determine why she does this to herself. But she needs to come to this realization herself.
If she comes to you for advice, just keep telling her what you've been telling her, and recommend some sort of talk therapy for her. She probably will not take your advice. But I don't know what more you could do for her.
My guess is she knew better than to wear those shoes (or whatever inappropriate clothing). She didn't want the job, but it would look like she was "trying".
Is the "disability" something she conjured up herself, or something that has been diagnosed by a professional?
I suspect the former.
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