I Feel Very Sad About My Friend But She Did This To Herself (boyfriend, person)
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I have been friends with a woman for about 10 years. We met during an internship. We both come from tough backgrounds, but we have both managed to earn graduate-level education. I felt so proud of her, but I noticed she had significant issues which caused me to keep my distance. I did keep in touch with her and check in from time to time.
She has been making the same mistakes in her personal life for several years. She first started dating coworkers, which I told her is a bad idea. She then somehow ruined her reputation during the internship program and burned bridges. She was kicked out of one graduate program at school. I mentioned to her years ago, that the agency we interned for will not hire her due to her reputation there and the fact she has been there too long. After earning her Master's degrees, she continued on as an intern while she pursued her PhD. She did not want to leave and was set on the agency. I left the internship program five years ago and have been working full-time in my career. Unfortunately last week, she informed me she was kicked out of the PhD program which will cause her to lose her internship.
She claims she has a disability that doesn't allow her to work many hours, but she finds time to go on dates. Three months ago she was crying that she feels so alone and she needs help, so I offered to help her anyway possible. I gave her a bug hug and made her dinner. She said needed someone to help her shower and get dressed for interviews. I noticed that she did not seem like she needed my help, but since I offered I followed through for two days. I woke up at 4 am to be there on time so she will get to her interviews. She did not get the job, which I knew that because she was not prepared at all.
Long story short:
-She called me telling me she was kicked out of school and that she will lose her internship. I told her she should try to find work asap (but I have been telling her this for years.)
-She said she wants to ONLY work for the agency we interned with, but I told her they will not hire her and they have made that very clear since they continuously pass her up for other interns, and have done so for the past ten years. She also mentioned she deserves six figures.
-She said her disability doesn't allow her to work much, so I suggested she apply for disability asap. Her response is it takes too much time.
-She has no money and no plan
As much as it hurts, I really can't help her. It is so sad to see someone ruin their life like this.
Opinions about? Not everyone is meant to be a success story nor is everyone going to have that fairy tale happy ending.
There's only so much you do, but you shouldn't risk your reputation for someone like her. It does sound like she's going to have to consider another career plan, but she's not ready to come to terms with that. Again, there's not much you can do if a person won't help themselves.
I suppose I just want to hear what you all think in general.
When she called me with that news I felt so devastated. But I know I cannot risk my own hard work for her.
I live alone and I believe she was probably looking for a place to stay. She is already staying with another friend and I am sure that is going to be ending soon, now that she will not have a job.
In addition to feeling sad I feel slightly insulted because I really thought she was better than this.
But you are right, not every ending will be a happy one.
I suppose I just want to hear what you all think in general.
When she called me with that news I felt so devastated. But I know I cannot risk my own hard work for her.
I live alone and I believe she was probably looking for a place to stay. She is already staying with another friend and I am sure that is going to be ending soon, now that she will not have a job.
In addition to feeling sad I feel slightly insulted because I really thought she was better than this.
But you are right, not every ending will be a happy one.
What do I think? You met her 10 years ago during an internship, and 10 years later she is still doing internships?
What is she the eternal student? You must be in your 30s at least, she sounds like she is still the same person she was when you met her.
She didn't listen to you in the past, she won't listen now.
What do I think? You met her 10 years ago during an internship, and 10 years later she is still doing internships?
What is she the eternal student? You must be in your 30s at least, she sounds like she is still the same person she was when you met her.
She didn't listen to you in the past, she won't listen now.
You are correct. We are early thirties. She unfortunately hasn't grown at all as a person, which really caught me off guard. I helped her choose her interview clothing and she had no idea how to even dress for a professional interview. She wanted to wear bright pink and blue skate boarder shoes and I had to beg her to not do that.
It sounds to me as if you have gone above and beyond in your attempts to help your friend, but you can't force someone to do something they refuse to do even if the action(s) you suggest would considerably improve her life if only she would take them. It can be hard for all of us to let go of a dream, and it sounds as if your friend's dream was to work for the agency you mentioned. Sub-conciously, she may be shooting herself in the foot when it comes to other jobs or she may be afraid to leave what she knows for something that is a complete unknown - not being a psychologist, I have no idea. It's pretty risky to diagnose an unknown person from afar on the Internet, anyhow. She may or may not have some sort of disability. Just in case she does, you may wish to let her know that some disabled people are able to get their SSDI within a year of applying. Many people get turned down the first time and have to appeal. However, if this were to happen, she could ask that her appeal be expedited. But if she has an authentic, disabling condition, even waiting 5 years beats going a lifetime without any help.
If she continues to refuse to listen to any of your suggestions and/or sabotauge your attempts to help her, you have little choice but to step back. You've done the best you can for her, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. Hopefully, she'll seek meaningful help and guidance before she falls in so deep that she can't climb back out again. It's very sad, but it sounds like you've done the best you can for her. Let her know that if she ever decides she REALLY wants to turn her life around that you'll be glad to help her (if that's how you feel). Until such time, you need to go on with your own life. There are plenty of other folks out there who really do what to change and find employment, etc. Should you run across one of them and you still want to help, put your energies into that person - not someone who either can't or won't accept help.
It sounds to me as if you have gone above and beyond in your attempts to help your friend, but you can't force someone to do something they refuse to do even if the action(s) you suggest would considerably improve her life if only she would take them. It can be hard for all of us to let go of a dream, and it sounds as if your friend's dream was to work for the agency you mentioned. Sub-conciously, she may be shooting herself in the foot when it comes to other jobs or she may be afraid to leave what she knows for something that is a complete unknown - not being a psychologist, I have no idea. It's pretty risky to diagnose an unknown person from afar on the Internet, anyhow. She may or may not have some sort of disability. Just in case she does, you may wish to let her know that some disabled people are able to get their SSDI within a year of applying. Many people get turned down the first time and have to appeal. However, if this were to happen, she could ask that her appeal be expedited. But if she has an authentic, disabling condition, even waiting 5 years beats going a lifetime without any help.
If she continues to refuse to listen to any of your suggestions and/or sabotauge your attempts to help her, you have little choice but to step back. You've done the best you can for her, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves. Hopefully, she'll seek meaningful help and guidance before she falls in so deep that she can't climb back out again. It's very sad, but it sounds like you've done the best you can for her. Let her know that if she ever decides she REALLY wants to turn her life around that you'll be glad to help her (if that's how you feel). Until such time, you need to go on with your own life. There are plenty of other folks out there who really do what to change and find employment, etc. Should you run across one of them and you still want to help, put your energies into that person - not someone who either can't or won't accept help.
You are correct. She is too afraid of the unknown. The internship program she has stated she feels comfortable with, and if she left she will not have guaranteed money. I have mentioned to her that even the internship program was NOT a guarantee, and this has proven me right. She is too afraid to relocate, she is too afraid to work a full-time job somewhere besides the agency we interned with. She liked the idea of only working part-time for just going to school. She does have a legitimate disability, but some of her issue is certainly psychological.
I think applying for disability would be her best choice since she claims she cannot work full time, but yet she found another excuse in that she doesn't have time and the process is too long. It is so frustrating.
At this point she will have to move in with her boyfriend, or go back home to live with her parents, for she will be in the streets soon. I am hoping she will wake up and come to her senses very soon. But it is heartbreaking to watch someone throw their life away.
Last edited by jabber_wocky; 01-11-2016 at 12:18 PM..
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